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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
People assume the father doesn't care if the woman isn't currently in a relationship with him. It's just assumed she will inform the father to seek child support. But there are times when women want the birth father to have nothing to do with the child or to know of a pregnancy due to the decision to have an abortion.

If you think pregnant women have an obligation to inform their sexual partner of a pregnancy regardless of their relationship status, why do you think that? If you don't think they are obligated to inform the man, why do you think that?
 

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In the case of multiple partners where they may be unsure which the father is, who should they tell? Does the obligation extend to getting a DNA test and then informing the father?

if the father is someone she would not want in her or the child's life?

I would hope i'd be told, but that would be at her discretion. There's no effective way to enforce a requirement like this, and even if it were possible it could be harmful under certain circumstances.

In short, no.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
If she's planning on keeping it and having the father either help with taking care of it or paying child support, then absolutely.
Here's a thought. If she plans to give it up for adoption, say she legally needs the father's consent first, without it the child goes to the father. Or she has deal with joint custody. If she doesn't trust the child with the father, I believe it affects what decision she makes. Raise the child alone without government support and/or child support or get an abortion. It's not unusual for the estranged male partner to refuse to sign adoption papers but to also fail to parent the child until the child is older and very difficult to find someone to adopt.

In that case, part of a decision to keep the child is simply to avoid the father's involvement. If that's wrong, why?
 

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Here's a thought. If she plans to give it up for adoption, say she legally needs the father's consent first, without it the child goes to the father. Or she has deal with joint custody. If she doesn't trust the child with the father, I believe it affects what decision she makes. Raise the child alone without government support and/or child support or get an abortion. It's not unusual for the estranged male partner to refuse to sign adoption papers but to also fail to parent the child until the child is older and very difficult to find someone to adopt.

In that case, part of a decision to keep the child is simply to avoid the father's involvement. If that's wrong, why?
If she's planning on keeping it AND having the father either help with taking care of it or paying child support, then absolutely.
Seems you misunderstood my post.

I didn't say she should tell him if she doesn't want him to be involved, nor did I say it was wrong for her to keep it to avoid him... wtf

Also, pretty sure she can just say she doesn't know who the father is and give it up for adoption anyway.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Seems you misunderstood my post.

I didn't say she should tell him if she doesn't want him to be involved, nor did I say it was wrong for her to keep it to avoid him... wtf

Also, pretty sure she can just say she doesn't know who the father is and give it up for adoption anyway.
Not trying to upset you. Just had questions. Your question didn't address my original question. If she doesn't want his help, does she have any obligation to tell him?

She can try to give the kid up for adoption without his input. But if he finds out, he can go to court and historically he'll win custody of the child from the adoptive family.
 

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Based solely on your first post I see several problems...

People assume the father doesn't care if the woman isn't currently in a relationship with him. It's just assumed she will inform the father to seek child support. But there are times when women want the birth father to have nothing to do with the child or to know of a pregnancy due to the decision to have an abortion.

If you think pregnant women have an obligation to inform their sexual partner of a pregnancy regardless of their relationship status, why do you think that? If you don't think they are obligated to inform the man, why do you think that?
People assume... A lot of people assume things, right and wrong. Some men want to get involved, some don't. Some are involved without knowing, some are in a "relationship" without knowing, I'm a guy and I've seen it and I've been there. It's a matter of being clear, transparent and talking. We as public, society can assume diff things but people on a relationship shouldn't. That's to me the first big step to avoid problems.

As for women not wanting the man involved or even knowing about possible pregnancy, cheating, making him believe there are no pregnancy risk or anything alike... that's just plain wrong, things must be discussed. Any woman can do whatever they want with their body but shouldn't take those decisions just like that, specially with my DNA. Sad thing is, I've seen some threads here and there where some women state they are the only ones with rights, I know from the beginning this thread can become a mess of misunderstandings (without even reading the other posts).

I'm writing ideas, not attacking or judging, but just the question of "do pregnant women have an obligation to inform their sexual partner..." seems wrong to me from start. Having a baby, getting pregnant involves a moral and ethical matters of both, it's not an individual decision. Just because we are together or having sex doesn't mean I can take your laptop without telling you, the same with DNA.

What do I think about it? easy: switch sides, think you are the one giving the sperm, having sex but your partner gets pregnant. Would you like to have a baby without knowing??? what about the future implications? like the baby wanting to know you? perhaps he/she won't be told or allowed but think about it, a little you walking around and you don't know. Sure some guys don't care, then those women should talk to them and will be a win win situation.

Perhaps this is a better comment: children should come and be "made" out of love, not out of egocentric or selfish individual decisions. I know some parts of my post sound a bit rude, I don't pretend it to be that way but it's such a sensitive matter, it's not apples we are talking about, it's a person, using someone, hiding info, taking a huge decision alone, hiding it, then denying a small person the right of a father, I mean the chance... If a guy leaves the woman is one thing but denying the right and chance from start... that's another thing.

Just that, my two cents.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Based solely on your first post I see several problems...


People assume... A lot of people assume things, right and wrong. Some men want to get involved, some don't. Some are involved without knowing, some are in a "relationship" without knowing, I'm a guy and I've seen it and I've been there. It's a matter of being clear, transparent and talking. We as public, society can assume diff things but people on a relationship shouldn't. That's to me the first big step to avoid problems.

As for women not wanting the man involved or even knowing about possible pregnancy, cheating, making him believe there are no pregnancy risk or anything alike... that's just plain wrong, things must be discussed. Any woman can do whatever they want with their body but shouldn't take those decisions just like that, specially with my DNA. Sad thing is, I've seen some threads here and there where some women state they are the only ones with rights, I know from the beginning this thread can become a mess of misunderstandings (without even reading the other posts).

I'm writing ideas, not attacking or judging, but just the question of "do pregnant women have an obligation to inform their sexual partner..." seems wrong to me from start. Having a baby, getting pregnant involves a moral and ethical matters of both, it's not an individual decision. Just because we are together or having sex doesn't mean I can take your laptop without telling you, the same with DNA.

What do I think about it? easy: switch sides, think you are the one giving the sperm, having sex but your partner gets pregnant. Would you like to have a baby without knowing??? what about the future implications? like the baby wanting to know you? perhaps he/she won't be told or allowed but think about it, a little you walking around and you don't know. Sure some guys don't care, then those women should talk to them and will be a win win situation.

Perhaps this is a better comment: children should come and be "made" out of love, not out of egocentric or selfish individual decisions. I know some parts of my post sound a bit rude, I don't pretend it to be that way but it's such a sensitive matter, it's not apples we are talking about, it's a person, using someone, hiding info, taking a huge decision alone, hiding it, then denying a small person the right of a father, I mean the chance... If a guy leaves the woman is one thing but denying the right and chance from start... that's another thing.

Just that, my two cents.
Interesting that you assume the woman in the scenario planned to get pregnant. And I'm asking why. Your answer was just to put yourself in the man's shoes. That doesn't answer my question though. I take it you think women do have an obligation. Can you verbalize why?
 

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Interesting that you assume the woman in the scenario planned to get pregnant. And I'm asking why. Your answer was just to put yourself in the man's shoes. That doesn't answer my question though. I take it you think women do have an obligation. Can you verbalize why?
It's a bit late and I need some sleep but I will try.

I understand the planned vs unplanned pregnancy as a difference in being accidental, not actually doing things with pregnancy in mind, coitus interruptus not done the best way (still is not perfect anyway), contraceptives not working (their X% of non coverage safety), any reason we might think of... I see and understand the difference BUT it makes any difference to me (as a man, me myself) if the pregnancy happens, as long as it happens it involves her and me (just my opinion). There can be additional differences as being friends, lovers, strangers but still doesn't make any more difference than that. My belief is children do not ask to come, we make them and it's our responsibility. I don't share abortion ideas.

So it's not exactly to me... that planned or not makes a difference that I would want to know or not. As for the rest of your post question, obligation... doesn't sound good to me, I don't like that word in this context but I see it more as a responsibility. I've talk about it with a lot of male friends ad we-all-say "I Want to know", even the ones who said no, later (seconds) changed their mind or their words. Anyway, me: I do want to know.

Sometimes I get the idea of pregnancy almost as a disease, a negative angle, it's not. Sure changes a life and sure it's very diff if it wasn't planned but we are adults and we know how things work. If you are not too bored with my post then keep on reading.

I will try to get back to the title of your thread: obligation. Such an ugly word but I guess it fits. Families are based on two parents (sure, one parent can do it etc) but a family is about several, many, not just two (mother-child) so children ask, children see father-mother and they ask "why not me?" so at one point or another they will ask "why I don't have a father?" and while negative, answers like: he left, he died, he was a drunk guy etc... hurt but are something very different than "I didn't tell him" like meaning: "I didn't want you to have one". We need two parent figures, mother and father, so considering that a child might and surely will ask WHY, all the weight of the many things that can happen sure can be translated as a there is a moral obligation.

May I ask why? or what's the source of your question / curiosity?
 

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If you think pregnant women have an obligation to inform their sexual partner of a pregnancy regardless of their relationship status, why do you think that? If you don't think they are obligated to inform the man, why do you think that?
I passed diff levels and episodes in my life shaping my opinion. My parents went diff ways so I did not grew up with my father. I know what's like to have all those "things" missing even while being loved and etc. Still my first words mean for me to tell you it's not about growing up without him what shaped my whole opinion, there is more, it was shaped due to many diff things and reasons, and because I choose to believe it's the right thing to do from many, many diff angles.


  • Ok but what if the guy sucks, doesn't want to be a father.
  • What if the guy changes and suddenly hates you, and the child
  • What if he tries and fails big time giving bad example
  • What if he tells you "it's your problem"
  • What if he is a terrible model, easy to think "hell no"
  • What if you just don't even get along!!!!
  • What if he tells you and pushes you for abortion
  • What if he says "adoption!"
  • or if he says "not mine, impossible"

I would ask: why not even trying, giving him the chance? a lot of "bad people" changed dramatically when they found out were about to be fathers, sure it's not a big number but it happens. My angle is deciding for yourself and not giving the chance to the other person and not giving yourself the chance. Some people suck, sure, some people give big surprises, some will suck forever. Some change while you are not there (this also means: while you didn't want to stay there and see). And all those options apply for: so, it really sucks? ok then now try other options.

To close... I did have a warning case with a woman who I didn't happen to love in a GF/wife sense. Sure we were scared, it was unplanned (at the end it was a false positive) but here is the thing... I couldn't scape the "hey, I'm about to be a father" and it triggered fears just as illusions, dreams, thinking how we could get along. I noticed... her reaction was hers, but also like DEPENDING on mine, she loved my reaction (no flowers etc, just peace, just "let's see, let's go together"), when we found out it was a negative we talked, it was interesting and then decided to cool things down not out of fear, but because we triggered ideas and dreams, artificially if you want to call it that way.

The false negative also happened with two GFs who I wanted to marry, the only two ones (my last GF is a diff case), well, even as we were talking about family I also noticed their reaction was theirs, but there was a big factor of them depending or waiting... for mine.

I can only think of a coward man not wanting to know. Knowing and running away is a shameful thing, but running away or just as a man taking the stand of "I don't even want to know" is even worse. I do want to know regardless of the kind of relationship. Hope sounds readable at this time of the night :)
 

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In that case, part of a decision to keep the child is simply to avoid the father's involvement. If that's wrong, why?
We all have the right to be given the chance... to be all we can be.
We can apply this to many... areas of life and makes sense.

I'm sure many want to avoid parenting but it's not ok for someone to keep that chance from you. I'm sure I can't equal a comparison here because we men won't carry a child inside of us... BUT... what if the guy straight up didn't want you to even have an opinion of the child inside of your own body? and he wanted to have all the rights over the kid without you even saying "do I want to be a mother?" if we could carry a child just like women then it would be easier to compare but we can't, still it might be a case to think about it.
 

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If you get pregnant by a guy who you dont want to father your child then youre an idiot and probably shouldnt be mothering any child yourself. Its such people that make the world suck. Its why I dont have sympathy for single moms. That a person is laying in the bed they made is how it is supposed to be...if you make bad decisions then you should suffer. Its only unfortunate that their stupidity is felt by their innocent children. Women have no more right to a child than men. A fetus, maybe..yes. But after it is birthed then it is equal say.

If a woman did that to a man, shed very much be in the wrong.
 

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People assume the father doesn't care if the woman isn't currently in a relationship with him. It's just assumed she will inform the father to seek child support. But there are times when women want the birth father to have nothing to do with the child or to know of a pregnancy due to the decision to have an abortion.

If you think pregnant women have an obligation to inform their sexual partner of a pregnancy regardless of their relationship status, why do you think that? If you don't think they are obligated to inform the man, why do you think that?
Usually, yes. I think giving the father time to pull his resources together is important. Besides, it will totally affect the relationship status. Figuring out what direction the relationship will take is a major part of unplanned parenthood.

On the other hand if an abortion is planned, I think that's very situational and should be up to the mother to decide.
 

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If she is giving birth:
Yes, I think she should inform the father, if possible (seems like something hard to enforce in a rational way, maybe tell the hospital if she is aware):
Why? Well my first reason was because it is not up to her whether or not the father is a fit to be a parent (that would be for a court to decide), he has the legal right and responsibility to care for that child.
Then it occurred to me that there is a second reason. It is important for doctors to know the genetic family's health history in order to best treat a child's health needs and a father would be able to share his medical history and his family's history.

I suppose the only exception I can really think of is if the father has a history of abusive behavior and the mother feared for her or the safety of her child's life and/or well being. But otherwise, I think she should inform him.


If she is going to have an abortion:
Well, she is not in a relationship with the father, so how would it be his business. He has no legal write to the fetus and this is only her decision to make (and they are not a team that talks things out and supports each other), so no, I don't think she should feel any obligation (legal wise or social pressure) to tell him.
 

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I think that she has an obligation to tell him. It is still his child even though they are not involved anymore. He might want to care for a child, and i think that she has no right to forbid that to him. That child is as much his as is hers.
 

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Exceptions abound, but as a general rule, I would say that if she plans to continue with the pregnancy, she should tell him. If she plans to abort, it would depend on the situation. For instance, if the man is vocally anti-choice, telling him would only cause drama and hurt on both sides. It may be better for everyone that he never even know about the pregnancy in the first place.
 

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Legally? No.

Morally? That's up to the woman in question.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
I will try to get back to the title of your thread: obligation. Such an ugly word but I guess it fits. Families are based on two parents (sure, one parent can do it etc) but a family is about several, many, not just two (mother-child) so children ask, children see father-mother and they ask "why not me?" so at one point or another they will ask "why I don't have a father?" and while negative, answers like: he left, he died, he was a drunk guy etc... hurt but are something very different than "I didn't tell him" like meaning: "I didn't want you to have one". We need two parent figures, mother and father, so considering that a child might and surely will ask WHY, all the weight of the many things that can happen sure can be translated as a there is a moral obligation.
There are many single parent families. I would imagine the mother in this scenario would have to answer to the child at some point.

May I ask why? or what's the source of your question / curiosity?
I was looking at MRA stuff. They want the right to waive parental rights and not pay child support. It makes me wonder how important are men in the equation anyway. If they can just waive away their rights when they don't carry the child, should they even be informed of pregnancies if the mother doesn't want to? I've seen enough abusive relationships to know that as soon as the man knows the woman is pregnant, if she's in the process of leaving or has left him, he will not waive his parental rights or let her give the child up for adoption. The best options for the mother to be is abortion or hide the pregnancy, because otherwise she is permanently tied to the man.

Of course she does.
Why? Can you give a tangible reason why?

I passed diff levels and episodes in my life shaping my opinion. My parents went diff ways so I did not grew up with my father. I know what's like to have all those "things" missing even while being loved and etc. Still my first words mean for me to tell you it's not about growing up without him what shaped my whole opinion, there is more, it was shaped due to many diff things and reasons, and because I choose to believe it's the right thing to do from many, many diff angles.


  • Ok but what if the guy sucks, doesn't want to be a father.
  • What if the guy changes and suddenly hates you, and the child
  • What if he tries and fails big time giving bad example
  • What if he tells you "it's your problem"
  • What if he is a terrible model, easy to think "hell no"
  • What if you just don't even get along!!!!
  • What if he tells you and pushes you for abortion
  • What if he says "adoption!"
  • or if he says "not mine, impossible"

I would ask: why not even trying, giving him the chance? a lot of "bad people" changed dramatically when they found out were about to be fathers, sure it's not a big number but it happens. My angle is deciding for yourself and not giving the chance to the other person and not giving yourself the chance. Some people suck, sure, some people give big surprises, some will suck forever. Some change while you are not there (this also means: while you didn't want to stay there and see). And all those options apply for: so, it really sucks? ok then now try other options.

To close... I did have a warning case with a woman who I didn't happen to love in a GF/wife sense. Sure we were scared, it was unplanned (at the end it was a false positive) but here is the thing... I couldn't scape the "hey, I'm about to be a father" and it triggered fears just as illusions, dreams, thinking how we could get along. I noticed... her reaction was hers, but also like DEPENDING on mine, she loved my reaction (no flowers etc, just peace, just "let's see, let's go together"), when we found out it was a negative we talked, it was interesting and then decided to cool things down not out of fear, but because we triggered ideas and dreams, artificially if you want to call it that way.

The false negative also happened with two GFs who I wanted to marry, the only two ones (my last GF is a diff case), well, even as we were talking about family I also noticed their reaction was theirs, but there was a big factor of them depending or waiting... for mine.

I can only think of a coward man not wanting to know. Knowing and running away is a shameful thing, but running away or just as a man taking the stand of "I don't even want to know" is even worse. I do want to know regardless of the kind of relationship. Hope sounds readable at this time of the night :)
I have doubts most men would want to know if they impregnated a prostitute. Let's say she's an escort and could track the guy down, the number of men who would want to know is incredibly small.

We all have the right to be given the chance... to be all we can be.
We can apply this to many... areas of life and makes sense.

I'm sure many want to avoid parenting but it's not ok for someone to keep that chance from you. I'm sure I can't equal a comparison here because we men won't carry a child inside of us... BUT... what if the guy straight up didn't want you to even have an opinion of the child inside of your own body? and he wanted to have all the rights over the kid without you even saying "do I want to be a mother?" if we could carry a child just like women then it would be easier to compare but we can't, still it might be a case to think about it.
Imagine you have a one night stand with a woman and she informs you she's pregnant. How exactly do you see that playing out? You want to try starting a relationship with that woman? If you had a daughter together, would that be any easier to explain to your daughter than it would be for a woman to explain to her son that she didn't tell his father about him? I'm very curious.

If you get pregnant by a guy who you dont want to father your child then youre an idiot and probably shouldnt be mothering any child yourself. Its such people that make the world suck. Its why I dont have sympathy for single moms. That a person is laying in the bed they made is how it is supposed to be...if you make bad decisions then you should suffer. Its only unfortunate that their stupidity is felt by their innocent children. Women have no more right to a child than men. A fetus, maybe..yes. But after it is birthed then it is equal say.

If a woman did that to a man, shed very much be in the wrong.
A little side tracked, but okay. Can you explain why she is wrong?

Usually, yes. I think giving the father time to pull his resources together is important. Besides, it will totally affect the relationship status. Figuring out what direction the relationship will take is a major part of unplanned parenthood.

On the other hand if an abortion is planned, I think that's very situational and should be up to the mother to decide.
Giving the father time to pull his resources together? What if she doesn't want his resources? She has no intention of sharing this information with him at all.

If she is giving birth:
Yes, I think she should inform the father, if possible (seems like something hard to enforce in a rational way, maybe tell the hospital if she is aware):
Why? Well my first reason was because it is not up to her whether or not the father is a fit to be a parent (that would be for a court to decide), he has the legal right and responsibility to care for that child.
Then it occurred to me that there is a second reason. It is important for doctors to know the genetic family's health history in order to best treat a child's health needs and a father would be able to share his medical history and his family's history.

I suppose the only exception I can really think of is if the father has a history of abusive behavior and the mother feared for her or the safety of her child's life and/or well being. But otherwise, I think she should inform him.


If she is going to have an abortion:
Well, she is not in a relationship with the father, so how would it be his business. He has no legal write to the fetus and this is only her decision to make (and they are not a team that talks things out and supports each other), so no, I don't think she should feel any obligation (legal wise or social pressure) to tell him.
If he never finds out, the courts never get involved and she never has to deal with that headache.

A lot of people don't have their genetic history. I left home when I was 15, I don't know my genetic history. I definitely never asked my parents about their health.

MRA's don't feel they have an obligation to their children. They should be able to sign off their rights and obligations as parents. I'm left wondering if women are obligated to inform men about unplanned pregnancies. What makes it inherently wrong to force them to be parents and what makes it inherently wrong to deny them knowledge of their parenthood? The two aren't obviously tied together. It just has cogs turning in my head, you know?

I think that she has an obligation to tell him. It is still his child even though they are not involved anymore. He might want to care for a child, and i think that she has no right to forbid that to him. That child is as much his as is hers.
Exceptions abound, but as a general rule, I would say that if she plans to continue with the pregnancy, she should tell him. If she plans to abort, it would depend on the situation. For instance, if the man is vocally anti-choice, telling him would only cause drama and hurt on both sides. It may be better for everyone that he never even know about the pregnancy in the first place.
Okay, general rule is to tell him if she plans to keep the child. Why?
 

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@Twitchie If she has the baby, the father has a legal right to the child. There are ways around that, like not telling him and not having his name on the birth record. It's still illegal and imo, morally wrong. If he were abusive would be the only instance that I can think of where it would be a moral decision not to tell him.
 
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