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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Do you ever wonder "Why do all of these people keep coming to me? I don't want to hear their shit. They're too draining."

Sure, there are some people that burden you without you even asking. Maybe it's a first date. Maybe it's a co-worker...BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

Are YOU the type of person that asks nosy questions and gets off on hearing people's business, such as wanting to know about people's break-ups and trauma history? Do you tell people "I'm always here for you. You can tell me ANYTHING." When people DO share their feelings with you, do you suddenly have to take space and find them annoying?

If yes, then the solution is simple. Don't invite people to share their drama. If you don't ask, most people probably won't tell.

Respect people's privacy and they won't tread on yours by telling you stuff that you don't want to hear. I'm sharing this, because I had a "friend" that complained about other "selfish" people that drained her with their problems. What's ironic is that she was the one that said "I want to know people's shit". She asked others personal questions with no shame. She didn't have a sense of what you should and shouldn't say. She then wondered why she attracted insecure and anxious people that constantly went to her for emotional help. Well, duh.
 

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Errr nope. I have a stronger tendency to attract the weird, the intelligent, and the odd of any specific group. It's usually more interesting that way. Sometimes the weird are emotional/needy because of insecurities being weird, but they get over it eventually.
My personality also appears to be an LBGT magnet, but given recent events/realizations, I have a theory as to why.
 

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I actually really like listening to everyone's problems and giving advice and stuff. I don't attract people that are extraordinarily needy or troubled or anything. But I do always hang out with the most eccentric, adventurous and intellectual people from various backgrounds. Like Signify said, it's more interesting. So yeah, that sometimes comes with the insecurities of being weird (which I've experienced plenty myself). But it's not a big deal.

I tend to avoid truly problematic people though to be honest, you just can't help them and they take up a lot of your time without adding anything to your (or their, for that matter) life. I've made the mistake before to get involved with them, and nothing positive comes out of it for anyone.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I think there's nothing wrong with having anxiety and insecurity. Everyone gets it. The girl I knew was someone that said, "it's frustrating that you don't reach out for help." When I did talk about pain, she had to take space bc she couldn't take it. I will say I'm much happier without this woman, bc I'm not picking up on her own negative energy. I think we become needier if we're around miserable people. If we let go of them, we can tap into our true potential
 

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Needy people often come to me with their problems, friends and strangers alike. I don't invite it; I guess they see me as smart, as strong, as a frood who really knows where her towel is.

I will help them the first time. People who repeatedly "need" help usually don't. They usually create their own drama, consciously or not. They'd be better off in the long run learning to deal with the problems themselves, or even better, not creating them in the first place. Long-term solutions are always better, but too many people see that as mean.

Mean bitch it is, then. Such people are draining. I find I am a hell of a lot happier without keeping them around.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I agree ^. At least you're not looking for people's business. I'm talking about those that want to know people's problems, but them get upset when they actually hear it. I agree long term solutions are better.
 

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I mean no disrespect to any one who attends them, but I've found that since I stopped attending twelve step meetings, I have much less clingy and needy people around. They saved my life at one point, but there came a time for them to go. I think a person really needs to look at the people they surround themselves with because other people's energy does rub off. Surround yourself with people who have what you are interested in or want, and that seems to make a big difference. At least, it has for me.
 
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I've always attracted needy/clingy type of people with dramas in their lives and no, it's not because I ask them nosy questions. For some reason, they see me as some kind of therapist because all I do is listen without interruptions. It's all about them, but when you have something you would like to talk about, they don't care. I believe a lot of them has some type of personality disorders. Especially the ones with the "I'm always the victim" mindset.

Anyway, now a days, I can spot these "needy" types from a mile away. I never give them the opportunity to say more than two sentences to me. If I feel the conversation is heading that way, I simply excuse myself and leave. I don't care if my behavior to them seems rude but I have my own sh*t in my life to worry about than play therapist to someone else's dilemma. :angry:
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
I mean no disrespect to any one who attends them, but I've found that since I stopped attending twelve step meetings, I have much less clingy and needy people around. They saved my life at one point, but there came a time for them to go. I think a person really needs to look at the people they surround themselves with because other people's energy does rub off. Surround yourself with people who have what you are interested in or want, and that seems to make a big difference. At least, it has for me.

Yes! You become who you hang around, and I learned the hard way. I used to think "I can protect myself and let these people have different views." I eventually did become like them, without realizing it. They also found me very annoying, because I lost my best self.

It is interesting though to see where we all end up. If I end up much happier and my friend continues to be in the same situation she's in, then who is the real cause? Even though I'm a so-called "ENFJ", I become my best when I'm alone. Now, I'm weary of who I share my energy with.
 

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I attract them, and I am one. People who cope with emotional suffering by talking about their problems tend to have the best luck when we seek out others with a similar coping style, because those who do not relate tend to make many false assumptions about our motives and flaws, usually adding to the stress and disconnection we are trying to relieve.

I have several friends who have a daily routine of venting their days' troubles to me, and I feel honored that they trust me enough to do so. It is hard to open up when so many people consider the very act of seeking emotional support to be a horrible personal evil or an act of self-indulgence.

There are a few different popular coping styles I have noticed. Some people seek out others for help, and some isolate themselves.
Of those who seek others, some people generally need help with ideas and practical solutions, and prefer to handle their feelings alone. Others (like me) generally need help with emotional regulation, and prefer to handle the problem-solving alone.

Those who want solutions tend to view those who need emotional comfort and connection in a very negative light, accusing us of just liking to complain, wanting attention, or being uncooperative when we reject unwanted advice. When they seek help from someone with a Connection-focused interpersonal coping style, they may get the sense that we are incompetent and unwilling to help them, because we aren't offering ideas and advice. We're just trying to be comforting, which seems useless.

Those of us who only seek out help with emotional regulation tend to view those who offer solutions in a negative light because the solutions they offer almost always come across as accusations. When someone says, "Well, have you tried doing this differently," we may hear "I don't care how upset you are. It's your own fault for not doing things the way I think you should have." The Advice-focused helper will come across as invalidating and cruel, even when they are just trying to help us figure out how to make things better. In almost every case, there is a reason we haven't already done the thing they are suggesting, but we are in no state to argue about it while experiencing overwhelming feelings. We just need to connect and feel validated, and if the problem is a continuing part of our lives, we may need this repeatedly until we manage to find a way to escape the source of the suffering.

I wonder if there ought to be another category of preferences to deal with this difference, as I believe it is just as vital to our sense of self as how we judge and perceive information. Coping styles probably can't be changed, although one might get better at pretending not to have the needs s/he is trying to fulfill. Because of this, shaming people for having a certain coping style will only hurt him/her, and when s/he is hurt, s/he will seek out whatever form of help s/he requires in the usual manner.

When one is deprived of the ability to cope in his/her preferred manner for an extended period of time, s/he may become depressed or commit suicide in order to escape the pain that s/he is unable to relieve.
 
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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
^What a great response! Yes, there are people who have tremendous empathy and know how to stay calm when hearing someone else's pain.

Reading some of your responses is helping me realize that maybe the person that I'm thinking of maybe just isn't very empathic or knows how to take care of her own emotions.

FYI, this person in my original post is a therapist herself. ;)
 
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