Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 198 Posts

·
Infractionated
I drive a blue tricycle with a gold bell.
Joined
·
8,597 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Historically, I didn't think much about feelings - the whole "mind over matter" thing, but I've learned that those pesky things can influence way too much in judgement, so I wouldn't attempt any thing more than a casual aquintance with anyone that had feelings towards me (regardless of gender). And if feels happen to deveop either way, my response now would be to create distance.

With that being said, I've been able to have friends of either gender without messiness. I've had friends of either gender with messiness. So, my personal view has evolved to be: like anything else, it depends heavily on what the people involved want, and if they're on the same page.

What are your thoughts on this topic?

Oh some studies/opinion links:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201304/can-men-and-women-be-just-friends

https://www.artofmanliness.com/articles/can-men-and-women-just-be-friends/

https://amp.livescience.com/23034-men-women-friendship-burden.html

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/men-and-women-cant-be-just-friends/

https://broadly.vice.com/amp/en_us/article/xwqz3w/can-men-and-women-really-be-friends-a-scientific-and-cultural-investigation

https://www.npr.org/2016/11/12/500733094/can-men-and-women-be-friends-without-benefits
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
301 Posts
Firends? Yep. Close friends? No problem but I have never seen a situation that truly worked unless one of them was gaaay.
 

·
Registered
Why do you want to know my vehicle details.
Joined
·
4,926 Posts
No, I don't believe it's possible for a hetero woman and a hetero man to stay just friends, except in rare instances.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,970 Posts
I agree - friends yes, close friends or best friends, no. I grew up with two brothers and male cousins so it was natural for me to have close male friends growing up. I never had feelings for them but 3 of them did for me, though I never realised and thought we were "just friends". People would think we were boyfriend/girlfriend and I would be like "no, we're just friends" because that's genuinely what I thought.

One of them (ESFP) asked me out through another friend - I thought he was gay! When I said no, he stopped hanging out with me. 5 years of friendship down the drain. I think that we were "just friends" for the majority of that time but as we got older he got feelings for me and couldn't separate it from friendship.

Second guy (INTP) never expressed feelings towards me and he always spoke to me about other girls he liked and he would sort of insult me, that I was too blonde/white/skinny for him. I don't think he was aware of his feelings for me and I wasn't aware either. He started to get more distant from me and then suddenly stopped talking to me and after we left school he blocked me from all social media. He randomly messaged me a few years back apologising for his behaviour and explained he had a crush on me and didn't know what to do with it... *facepalm*.

Third guy was great (ENFP), we had a really good friendship, he dated around. Again, I was unaware of his feelings until one of his friends told me. There was potential for a relationship there but it would have taken work so I said I wasn't interested and we still remained really good friends. Cool af guy and I think we could continue being close friends now without there being feelings but idk if his feelings for me would eventually come back. He would be respectful of the fact I have a boyfriend though and would still try be a friend to me.

I think it's sort of natural to get really close to someone of your sexual preference and feelings to rise. I mean my current relationship we started of as "just friends" and it grew from there. My question is - when you're already in a relationship, it's sort of inappropriate to have close friendships with your sex preference (if they have the same sex preference), right? I would be concerned if my boyfriend chose another girl to confide in when he already has me. So there's sort of the suggestion that close = potential for romance. I don't mind that my boyfriend has female friends but some of them try to force a close relationship with him and it makes me suspicious of their motives. I have male friends and I'm not worried that I'll get feelings for them but I don't want to be in a position where someone likes me and I don't like them back again. In hindsight I could feel some of my male friends hurt when I'd be talking about other guys I liked and I think that's why the INTP acted the way he did and I don't want any of that drama, especially as I've had to experience girls liking my boyfriend and acting shady and then insulting me out of their jealousy. I never stop talking about my boyfriend so people are more than aware I'm taken and if they still try to get too close I would set boundaries or stop talking to them because I've found that doesn't stop some people trying lol.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
5,075 Posts
Depends on your restrictions on the word 'just'.

Chances are, one of the two or both would schtup the other given the right circumstances. But sexual attraction or tension alone doesn't negate friendship - and only really becomes a problem if it's mutual and at least one of the people is in an exclusive relationship. Unrequited romantic love on the other hand would pretty much end it or bring it into creepy / 'nice guy' territory. Personally I am not going to fall in love with the vast majority of people, so that extent I am usually fine - there are advantages for male friends and female friends and they aren't all the same, and that's ok.

That's said, a worthwhile disclaimer: You yourself @daleks_exterminate are very in your element among guys, you carry a big part of geek culture with you and that ranges from mixed gender to male dominant, meaning that you very naturally blend into the role of a buddy, one of the guys. This isn't the case for most women, and the reverse case is even less common for men.

In broad strokes, guys and girls can have very different expectations when it comes to friendship, especially during the teens / early 20s, which can result in unfortunate consequences and plenty of mixed signals that are not received on the same page as they were sent on.
 

·
Infractionated
I drive a blue tricycle with a gold bell.
Joined
·
8,597 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
That's said, a worthwhile disclaimer: You yourself @daleks_exterminate are very in your element among guys, you carry a big part of geek culture with you and that ranges from mixed gender to male dominant, meaning that you very naturally blend into the role of a buddy, one of the guys. This isn't the case for most women, and the reverse case is even less common for men.

In broad strokes, guys and girls can have very different expectations when it comes to friendship, especially during the teens / early 20s, which can result in unfortunate consequences and plenty of mixed signals that are not received on the same page as they were sent on.
That is a fair point. I suppose that also applies to how people build friendships. I mostly do around topics/interest/hobbies, but I suppose some people do around feelings exclusively. So if there are very traditional males and females in question, they may not have much overlapping interests to discuss.

Hmm I'm going to see if I can find anything on differences in building friendships as it seems interesting.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
5,075 Posts
That is a fair point. I suppose that also applies to how people build friendships. I mostly do around topics/interest/hobbies, but I suppose some people do around feelings exclusively. So if there are very traditional males and females in question, they may not have much overlapping interests to discuss.

Hmm I'm going to see if I can find anything on differences in building friendships as it seems interesting.
The mixed signals I am thinking of are kind of like these:
- Think of the trope of the female besties who share every little bit of emotional processing with each other - and contrast that to the trope of guys just bonding by focusing on a shared activity. Cross the two signals, and the guy is exposed to a level of emotional intimacy he isn't used too that can easily be confused for something more romantic then it is.
- On the other end, guys have a trope of continuously establishing leeway - from ribbing to pranking to smacking - it's how you say "we're such good friends that we can do this and still be good friends" - it's a form of affection really, because guy friendship is less about emotional intimacy and more about having each other's back. It's not that uncommon for girls who aren't used to it to get very easily offended and take things very personal when they aren't intended as such.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,480 Posts
It's been my experience that if the men & women are all hetero it's not a good idea. When I was in my 20's my group of nerd friends were mixed & very quickly everyone started pairing off. There was a love triangle within the group & that pretty much broke us up for good. One of the other guys turned into my stalker, that was fun. :dry: I have male acquaintances but nothing more than that. Most of them are married to my female friends. At work I've gotten close to men, but they were all gay.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,927 Posts
Depends where it starts. If the sexual/romantic interest is unequal it's impossible.
 
  • Like
Reactions: daleks_exterminate

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,765 Posts
Historically, I didn't think much about feelings - the whole "mind over matter" thing, but I've learned that those pesky things can influence way too much in judgement, so I wouldn't attempt any thing more than a casual aquintance with anyone that had feelings towards me (regardless of gender). And if feels happen to deveop either way, my response now would be to create distance.

With that being said, I've been able to have friends of either gender without messiness. I've had friends of either gender with messiness. So, my personal view has evolved to be: like anything else, it depends heavily on what the people involved want, and if they're on the same page.

What are your thoughts on this topic?

Oh some studies/opinion links:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201304/can-men-and-women-be-just-friends

https://www.artofmanliness.com/articles/can-men-and-women-just-be-friends/

https://amp.livescience.com/23034-men-women-friendship-burden.html

https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/men-and-women-cant-be-just-friends/

https://broadly.vice.com/amp/en_us/article/xwqz3w/can-men-and-women-really-be-friends-a-scientific-and-cultural-investigation

https://www.npr.org/2016/11/12/500733094/can-men-and-women-be-friends-without-benefits
Sorry at this moment can't afford to read all the links. I also changed my mind (like you) in terms of what's possible, friends or not, etc. I do believe men and women can really just be friends. But it's tricky. Here is what I think:

I believe being friends, having a friend is already difficult (seriously) and just like a maze, you need time to confirm you are on the right path to exit, same with friends, you need time to see if they are really friends, and in all fairness if you are a friend to them, this... regardless of gender.

Even being friends... friendship (and other stuff like activities, hobbies or situations) brings you together (or apart), but again, even being friends (men-men women-women) a lot of things in life will push you apart. Like work, marriage, children, etc, I mean each one of those and the sum of all makes time a scarce resource and this affects friendships. The effects of those elements when you are opposite genders can make things more difficult, but that's not a reason to say men and women can't be just friends.

I always tell people (NOW)... the sad true that many who are married aren't even friends!. And that serves to explain a lot of things via interpolation and extrapolation. A friend? damn!!! a friendship can last more than a marriage in some cases.

Good thread. And as you say many things depend heavily on the people involved.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,256 Posts
Yes. Even with temporary fleeing thoughts, friendship is plausible. (thoughts are just thoughts, huhu)

Thinking from personal perspective, I have male friends I'd never get involved otherwise than friendship.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
298 Posts
This thread is super weird to me.

95% of my friends have been female so so many people saying it's not possible or difficult is strange to me. Is this like a other people don't have self-control thing or something?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
43 Posts
My closest friends are all (except two) women. My sexual preface is women and I never felt any romantic connection to a man in my life. Not that I have anything against homosexuals I like you guys (as friends). I think the reason I'm this way is based on how I've developed. When I was younger I typically tended to be more with girls building the foundation to have female friendships in the future. So yes, it's very possible and I think I'm a great example.

children-homes.jpg
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,480 Posts
My closest friends are all (except two) women. My sexual preface is women and I never felt any romantic connection to a man in my life. Not that I have anything against homosexuals I like you guys (as friends). I think the reason I'm this way is based on how I've developed. When I was younger I typically tended to be more with girls building the foundation to have female friendships in the future. So yes, it's very possible and I think I'm a great example.
Growing up, most of my friendships were with boys, however once we were grown, some of them confessed they had crushes on me. How do you know that those girls don't have crushes on you? After all ENFJ's are very lovable.
 
1 - 20 of 198 Posts
Top