Personality Cafe banner

181 - 199 of 199 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
98 Posts
I've had male friends before but it seems that its usually temporary with one having motives beyond friendship at the start or developing feelings along the way.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
218 Posts
oh thank you X)

yeah, i found it really interesting too, and sometimes everything feels very robotic as well. when i started to search and think about it more. the same think happened with enneagram and MBTI too, it fascinates me to see how much the things we live through our childhood affect us.. whatever we do, we are only able to change very specific things about ourselves, the main emptiness or concerns never changes somehow, even though we know how to deal with those and act, somehow the feeling always stays the same? i mean this happened to me at least, i felt the same things that i felt in my childhood every time.. and sexuality, it builds somehow from genes right? but our sexuality becomes fluid with the environment as well. it's a really interesting subject and i really want to learn about it more too.

and i don't really know about guys being less fluid but it makes some sense somehow. gay guys that i met says that they felt %100 gay and straight ones always says i'm %100 straight, and women that i ask always less sure about it, interestingly, i know bisexual guys as well but lesser than bisexual women, i don't really know if it's generally like this? but if it is, it could makes sense too. women generally have more complex emotions than guys do, don't get me wrong i don't mean more emotinal or deep or having something more developed, i mean having more tendency to crop it into pieces, if it makes sense? and this complexity could lead people to question themselves more? i don't really know.. it could be biological because of ''mother tounge'' stuff (language ability somehow evolved from mother-child relationship, and language is a way to make things more complex), or could be because of social stigmas as well... and even women body shape is less sharp, i know it doesn't makes sense at all, but women or maybe be we should say femininity has more flexible vibe generally, it could explain why feminine people seem more fluid as well too. maybe i should say femininity and masculanity at the beginning because it will make more sense, i don't really think we could say accurate stuff with genders. i met many feminine guys(straight) and many masculine women(straight).. and it would be interesting to talk about why we call some behaviours ''masculine'' and some of them ''feminine'', it is somehow connected with our minds, hormones and many other things.. i don't really know many things about all of this and it won't be right for me to talk about it more, i have thoughts but i should search about it first, there are lots of spectrums and i don't really want to offend anyone. it's really fun to talk about these though.

take care angelfish, it was nice to meet you X)

note: if you still think my english is good notice me lol XD
i guess i explained it wrong in here, saying biological differences could be neurosexist so i wanted to change my phrase. i believe that social stigmas has more role in these over all after i think about it again, i think cultural stigmas creating those kind of differences between men and women more than real biological differences. and people's actions grow from those stigmas, we raise our children with those stigmas so of course it's more common to see some differences between women and men but i'm questioning, is it really biological or more kind of historical developments? and stigmas? evolution builds with environment too, so it's really a complex subject, a bit philosophical now. the main question must be, does the environmet creates us, or do we creating the environment? which came first the chicken or the egg?

so i would say, in most cultures, men doesn't hug each other too much or tend to not show their emotions, so because of these stigmas i guess women has more freedom to explore intimate connections than men, so that's why women could be more fluid.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,119 Posts
so i would say, in most cultures, men doesn't hug each other too much or tend to not show their emotions, so because of these stigmas i guess women has more freedom to explore intimate connections than men, so that's why women could be more fluid.
Also, women are seen as less threatening in their sexuality. So if a mostly gay man wants to have friends, it's hard to find hetero male friends, so generally he wants to have female friends and it's a lot easier to just be "totally gay" around them if he prefers relationships with men anyway. And likewise with mostly straight men; it's easier to have a circle of hetero male friends if you closet any gay feelings you may have.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10 Posts
Superficial friendships yeah but getting closer and “ inseparable “ like girl-girl friendships leads to someone developing feelings.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,168 Posts
Generally speaking what I find is that one, the other, or both parties end up fancying each other. Whenever I've tried to have a woman as a close friend as a man I notice they start to like me. Sometimes I would be more inclined to make friends with people already in relationships for this reasons but those don't work for obvious reasons.

Normally when I like someone I initiate and if they aren't into me I'm not interested in being friends.

So between those two equations it's pretty tough. I think once or twice I've had a truly platonic close friendship with women, but as soon as either one of us startings flirting/dating with someone else it crumbles because we don't make the same time for each other as before.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15,172 Posts
Superficial friendships yeah but getting closer and “ inseparable “ like girl-girl friendships leads to someone developing feelings.
I disagree with that statement- I have many close guy friends and one of my best friend is a guy - he lived with me for a while and we hung out with each other a lot, he even slept over at my house in my room many times - on the floor while I’m in my bed - we have no romantic feelings towards one another .
He became close with every partner I have and would welcome them with open arms - in a way we are a lot like family . I also have many close guy friends growing up ( i grew up in a neighborhood that didn’t have many girls my age) I was never a tomboy but I did have many guy friends and when they started liking girls - they ask me for advice - when I crushed on guys I would often open up to them . Sure I’ve had guy friends that have crushed on me and I have crushed on a guy friend before ( who also liked me back ) but there are many that I’m close with that doesn’t see me beyond a platonic level and vice versa. As mentioned before- my isfp bff is a guy , we have never developed any feelings towards one another- if anything I see him as a brother - always have .
My husband best friend was a girl- he even traveled to Japan with her , neither of them are attracted to one another . Men and women can be close friends imho.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
724 Posts
My best friend and I are just friends and have been for 6+ years. I think it works because none of us is attracted to the other person. I'm not his type and vice versa.

I also have another friend, we met on tinder but after a short date, we agreed we would never work out, so we became friends instead. In the beginning of us hanging out, whenever he shared something about himself like: "I don't need to have kids or I don't like cake" ( just examples) I would say something like:" yeah, it's a good thing we are not dating" to sort of underline the i'm-not-into-you-at-all. I honestly think it helped and I also think he is massively tired of hearing about it :D So yes, I do believe it is possible.
 

·
Registered
INTJ 583 sx/sp
Joined
·
456 Posts
Professionally, over the internet, and through perhaps shared activities that initially started out as activities (e.g. sports), yes. But, as in people you hang out with in person on a regular basis for leisure, people who have been a part of your social circuit since your days at elementary/high school, people you've met at parties, and so on, no. I don't find that these connections are built on the same intentions that drove the aforementioned friendships. There's normally something sexual that played a part in driving it to become a friendship. It's not to say you can't be friends, it's to say that you know that these friendships are a bit different than the friendships created out of professional curtsy, online computer games games, forums, and sports.
 

·
Infractionated
I drive a blue tricycle with a gold bell.
Joined
·
8,597 Posts
Discussion Starter #192
Professionally, over the internet, and through perhaps shared activities that initially started out as activities (e.g. sports), yes.
But, as in people you hang out with in person on a regular basis for leisure, people who have been a part of your social circuit since your days at elementary/high school, people you've met at parties, and so on, no. I don't find that these connections are built on the same intentions that drove the aforementioned friendships. There's normally something sexual that played a part in driving it to become a friendship. It's not to say you can't be friends, it's to say that you know that these friendships are a bit different than the friendships created out of professional curtsy, online computer games games, forums, and sports.
Based solely on the amount of men who told me "I thought you were really hot until I got to know you" (which is an embarrassingly high amount), I don't think everyone has that problem.

My best friend (other then my SO), who talk to about pretty much everything and who talks to me about pretty much everything is a man. I know things about him that no one else does. We're super close and he's told me he's never cared about anyone this much until me.

HOWEVER, He has zero interest in fucking me and the only comments he ever makes on my appearance aren't usually flattering. They're not mean or anything, but it's more he forgets I'm a woman because of how I am, I guess. And then sometimes is like "oh I guess other people don't see you as a giant sack of potatoes. Weird" if someone compliments me around him or something. It's generally hilarious. He's not an asshole, just very honest. He's also not gay, but just has zero interest there. This is convenient because I also don't want to fuck him.

it did take us literal years to become close friends as he's an intp and is just very cautious with any thing he does. I had to assure him hundreds of times I had no interest in him sexually or romantically because he had anxiety about that and didn't want to be friends if so. He's no longer worried about it like years later and I've basically added him onto my family and he's good friends with my husband also. They were friends first but I found him really interesting (similar interests and hobbies, sure, but also he's just a fascinating person) so I wanted to get to know him. I'm so happy we became friends and he tells me this often now also. He's the closest I've ever been with anyone (except my so) and he's told me that I'm his best friend and he wants to be friends for life and it's completely platonic.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,253 Posts
Professionally, over the internet, and through perhaps shared activities that initially started out as activities (e.g. sports), yes. But, as in people you hang out with in person on a regular basis for leisure, people who have been a part of your social circuit since your days at elementary/high school, people you've met at parties, and so on, no. I don't find that these connections are built on the same intentions that drove the aforementioned friendships. There's normally something sexual that played a part in driving it to become a friendship. It's not to say you can't be friends, it's to say that you know that these friendships are a bit different than the friendships created out of professional curtsy, online computer games games, forums, and sports.

I'm curious about this, I have seen a pattern with certain types that do not believe a "romantic" relationship can be formed without physically meeting in person. Would you say you fall into that camp? I wonder what the results would be if a poll were done on it, if there's a correlation with types at all. Whether or not one can "fall in love" online before or even never meeting in person. Is actual physical contact necessary for feelings of intimacy/something to qualify as love.

Sorry, quoted you because you listed "over the internet" as an occasion where two people can maintain a non-romantic relationship. I think online relationships can be just as challenging if not more challenging than in person. Simply because people become more bold online. Saying things they otherwise might not in person. It's virtual, so there's this feeling that maybe the consequences aren't quite as damaging? Idk, not explaining myself well.



***



In regards to OP, my experience has been yes. I tend to enjoy conversations with males more than females. Continual open communication is important. I also think it greatly depends on the level of friendship. I have a number of male acquaintances, no issues there. It's the ones that you really connect with that present the challenges. If there's no physical attraction, it's no biggie. But if there's physical attraction... :oops: That's trickier to navigate. I'm married, so in those cases the frienship would have to end. I have one that I don't think I'll ever not be friends with though because we just connect really well. I'm not willing to let go of it because so much growth & learning have blossomed from the friendship. But it can definitely have it's moments where it's a challenge, because there is chemistry.
 

·
Beer Guardian
PerC Host, ENTP 5w6 So/Sx 584 ILE
Joined
·
14,952 Posts
Of course. I've been close friends with a woman for years. I am not attracted to her. I just know our forms of "crazy" are just not compatible.
 

·
Registered
ENFP 2w3 sp/so
Joined
·
136 Posts
I don't think men and women can be friends. Acquaintances sound possible.
Like i feel it's kinda awkward. The only guys I have interacted with are online, and i prefer if it was discussions. I'd be nice to them, and reply if they messaged. But I always keep my guard up.
girl-girl friendships are much better and more comfortable
 

·
Premium Member
Male INFJ 5w4 (Sx/Sp)
Joined
·
216 Posts
As with most subjective traits, I think it ultimately comes down to the personality of the individual. If I am allowed to make a more specific observation, it may depend on what dominant instinct the individual has.

I used to move around a lot, so I haven't had much experience in dealing with a whole lot of female friends, so probably take my opinion with a grain of salt. However, I can just imagine myself getting pretty passionate about someone I spend a lot of time with.

In my case, I have a dominant "sexual" instinct (I prefer the term one-on-one). Typically I think I am a pretty mild and collected individual who doesn't get angered or stimulated easily.
However, when something gets me riled up, I find it hard to control myself. It's not just with relationships, it can be just about anything.

If it's a fight, I quickly can become domineering and violent if I am pushed enough. If its a project, I will dedicate all of my time and energy into it until I am burned out entirely and can't work on anything else.
If I have romantic feelings towards someone, it can quickly become something that is not so easy to deal with.

To me (and maybe other sexual dominants, I don't know), it's all or nothing. It takes a long time to earn my trust, but when a person earns it, it means a big deal.
If there is a girl involved, romantic feelings for her will probably soon follow. I will often hide it as best I can, but eventually the truth does seep out one way or another.

So generally speaking, I think at least for people with a dominant "sexual" instinct, men and women are either best together as acquaintances, or as romantic relationships only. It's really hard and exhausting to play in the middle.
 
181 - 199 of 199 Posts
Top