Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 41 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,127 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I have a working relationship with this guy. He's lied, cheated, refused to admit he's wrong so many times. I've given him a few chances but he's remained the same. Today, he tried to cheat me again. Unfortunately, he's not as mentally quick as I am and unwittingly binded himself to an agreement that will ensure he'd deliver whatever he'd previously agreed more promptly than he's ever had. All this while he thinks he's still taking advanage of me :laughing:

I doubt this guy will ever change, unless something very bad happens to him one day. I tend to hold the same opinion of people- no matter how many chances I give them, most of them will not change. At least not in the short term.

INFJs, do you feel yourself feeling the same way?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,128 Posts
People can change but most don't. The kind that do change are the same kind that can admit their mistakes. I wouldn't be handing out multiple free passes to people who can't look in the mirror - that's my opinion.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,127 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
I wish I could terminate this working relationship, napoleon. Unfortunately, I am not in the position to do so right now :(
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
56 Posts
aww rogue, i'm sorry that you're being treated this way. but to be honest, some people only change after a terribly situation beyond themselves occur. and besides, you sound way too good for him.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,333 Posts
I believe in change as a good thing in general... life would be so boring if we had nothing to work for or nowhere to go.

however in terms of people... you have to change yourself. he has to change himself.
if it is not a good relationship. avoid it or recover as necessary.

sounds like you have a lot of stress in your life right now rouge. any reason why you have to take on so much?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,127 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
sounds like you have a lot of stress in your life right now rouge. any reason why you have to take on so much?
When you join the working world GreenCoyote, you will find that you often can't choose who you have to work with. I wish I'm back to the carefree university/college life.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,022 Posts
Work makes it really hard. I'm glad you've cornered him!!! :cool: kudos for you Rouge!!!
I let go of so many people because I just presume that they won't change. I see it as removing myself from harms way.
(If I can't get away from it I get miserable. I find it hard to fight fire with fire when the other person has had a lifetimes worth of practice).
I use to try and 'teach' people the error of their ways, often ended up hurting myself for the effort. You get false apologies and fake promises at best. I used to also hope that people would change on their own accord, but it's not worth getting mistreated in the meantime.
I'll be patient and give a person plenty of leeway for backtracking their own mistakes, but if they try to turn it on me, or start being manipulative I'm outta there!!!

In such cases, Knowing that they're digging their own grave is enough 'revenge' for me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,127 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
Thanks for the support everyone. I don't know why some of people have to go the crooked path when they can take the straight one. I don't want to end up lying and cheating like this guy to get even or to get things done. I believe in karma- he will get his payback one day. I'm almost certain he will piss off enough people to get removed from his position one day :tongue:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
713 Posts
There's a BIG difference between "can change" and "will change".
I believe change is almost always possible, though it can very often be hard and take a very long time. Still, the potential is there most of the time. I know this because I have made many transformations and 180s. I used to be very intolerant and judgmental and looked down on others for stupid reasons. But I am not this way anymore and I moved very far away from that. People who knew me when I was very closed-minded would probably be shocked to see how much I've changed. I'm sure some people would still judge me from my past though, and while it's understandable, I wish people would judge me by my current actions and mindsets because they are very different from the past. I guess because of all this, I'm pretty optimistic about the ability to chnge.

A lot of people think they don't need to change or are unaware that something's wrong. They also have to really want to change...not for someone else, but for themselves. They have to want it on a very deep level and follow through with the change. People can be stubborn and are not ready to change. It's not that they can't, it's that they won't. With these people, I give them a few chances but I'll recognize a pattern and recognize stubbornness and proceed with caution when I notice these things.

In your case, I'd distance myself and do what I need to do to not get hurt again. He may come around and get his act together in the distant future, but that's still too long to wait imo.
Once I have distanced myself, I suspend my opinion about them and hope that they will change and better themselves someday.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,201 Posts
People most certainly can change. I am living proof. I used to be a terrible person when I was younger.

I used to use and manipulate girls to get what I wanted. I was not a good friend at all. It was all me me me. Then one day something happened and I slowly became what I am today. I turned from an extrovert to an introvert. I changed from someone who only cared about himself to someone who is now very selfless and willing to do anything for people I care about.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,127 Posts
Discussion Starter #14 (Edited)
There's a BIG difference between "can change" and "will change".
I believe change is almost always possible, though it can very often be hard and take a very long time.
I agree totally with this.


A lot of people think they don't need to change or are unaware that something's wrong. They also have to really want to change...not for someone else, but for themselves. They have to want it on a very deep level and follow through with the change.
Very good insights. I also think that the ability to change is related to how you see the world. Some people, like the guy I mentioned, think that everyone is like him. They will take advantage of him so he has to take advantage of them first to make things "fair". It's impossible to change him unless he changes his perspective of the world.


In your case, I'd distance myself and do what I need to do to not get hurt again. He may come around and get his act together in the distant future, but that's still too long to wait imo.
Once I have distanced myself, I suspend my opinion about them and hope that they will change and better themselves someday.
That's exactly what I thought as well, after some consideration of the issue. Thanks silverlined for your advice and insights!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,333 Posts
Some people, like the guy I mentioned, think that everyone is like him. They will take advantage of him so he has to take advantage of them first to make things "fair". It's impossible to change him unless he changes his perspective of the world.
I think it is impossible to change him period.

change comes from within. at least I believe that. you can try to help someone along with changes they want to make for themselves, ask them if they want to change, but you can never truly 'make' someone change.

at least that is my perspective of the world.

if he changes his perspective, than it's done. He has changed.
you will have no part in it.
however, if his perspective is detrimental to yourself and him, pushing him a bit will test the walls of this protection/perception he has.


oh on a side note--
I can't remember the exact quote, but I know it was a good one. this all reminds me of the latest woodstock movie directed by Ang Lee,
the character girlfriend of the guy who organizes woodstock in the film says it... and it is about perception.
she is possibly INFJ.
just saying...


rouge, plan B -- put worm in his sandwhich.:laughing:
sorry got that off an old goosebumps movie.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,127 Posts
Discussion Starter #16
LOL I am sorely tempted by the worm in sandwich idea :laughing:

I've given up on this guy. I don't expect him to stop lying, cheating etc. I will just work at not letting him get to me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,333 Posts
LOL I am sorely tempted by the worm in sandwich idea :laughing:

I've given up on this guy. I don't expect him to stop lying, cheating etc. I will just work at not letting him get to me.
so rouge, weird coincidence...

my mom has been looking rather pale when she gets home these days and I knew something was wrong and would always ask her, she would tell me she was tired but I knew something wasn't right.

one day I just asked her and she has been having trouble at work.
kinda like this.

knowing what has been happening to you I wasa better able to talk to her about this situation.
she has to be in close quarters everyday with a co-worker that just doesn't click with her, blames her for work problems and really just dislikes her. worst, is that she is playing the rumor game. my mom has no idea what people are saying about her but she senses it all the time. it has gotten really out of hand and I kinda wish I could shove a handful of worms down this bitches mouth, because I love my mom and she shouldn't have to put up with this shit.

I think there are some major issues in the workplace these days.
I only work four hours a week but I still feel totally exhausted after work.

it is really pathetic.
people are being forced to work with people they shouldn't have to and there should be some kind of transfer system to another job or something at least for people, like my mom and yourself who are dealing with these conflict situations, that just seem to perpetually cycle themselves.

all of these issues are very stupid.
all of these issues put a lot of stress and hurt on a person.
it should be unnecessary, and should be worked on I think.

get me a pen!!!
I am writing the congressman!!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,127 Posts
Discussion Starter #19
Your poor mother, Coyote. Sometimes, I really don't understand why people have to make the workplace such an unpleasant place to be. I hope that colleague gets found out for whatever false rumours she's been spreading and lose all the friends she has at work.

I'd like to find a way in which I don't have to work with this guy, but the economy sucks right now and there are no open positions. But I suspect that even if I were to be able to get away, I'd have to deal with the same **** again from another person. Somehow, there's always a liar/cheater/manipulator to be found somewhere :(

I read somewhere that we tend to attract into our lives what we haven't resolved. Maybe that's the case for me. So I'm trying to see this as a growth opportunity. Hopefully, once I've learnt how to deal with this nonsense, I'd never be bothered by the same problem again. Of course, they are still going to happen. But I would have learnt to rise above it all and not let them affect me anymore.

Or at least that's what I hope, haha...

I'm so glad it's Easter and there's no work for a few days! I hope you're getting a good break from school/work as well! :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
201 Posts
Have you tried taking him aside and confronting him in a non adversarial manner regarding his behaviour?

Explain to him how working together is important to an effective workplace relationship.
Bring up a specific situation where you found his behaviour may not have been appropriate and outline how it is impacting your own work.
Listen to him, are there issues that might be contributing to his behaviour?

Put forth some discussions on how to resolve this issue, collaborate with him and agree how to work together to accomplish similiar goals.

It's important that the conversation not be a "one way" session, but rather an opportunity for both of you to discuss issues collaboratively. Respect is important.

If this doesn't resolve the matter and continues to be a problem, escalate to your manager.
 
1 - 20 of 41 Posts
Top