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Discussion Starter #1
Personally I dislike it when girls i showed interest to complain about their boyfriends, break up with the dude or talk to him about it.

What are you doing discussing private matters with outsiders, what is privacy for. You might as well cheat because due to my ass being single I will naturally take advantage
 

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Unless if the guy is a friend, and I'm asking for advice, then that's the only time I would mention about the relationship (sometimes, it's helpful to get advice from the same sex as the BF that understands more). However, keep it minimal. And, I think it's healthier if couples have complaints to talk to their s.o.'s first. I would only consult a guy friend if it's the last resort. Some guys are big brothers watching out!
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Unless if the guy is a friend, and I'm asking for advice, then that's the only time I would mention about the relationship (sometimes, it's helpful to get advice from the same sex as the BF that understands more). However, keep it minimal. And, I think it's healthier if couples have complaints to talk to their s.o.'s first. I would only consult a guy friend if it's the last resort. Some guys are big brothers watching out!

Not to offend you or something but I’ve heard that before from women who cheated on their boyfriends with me and without generalizing the behavior it would warrant sufficient paranoia from your SO

Some toxic guys would even use that to make you look like the villain which I’ve also seen happen
 

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Not to offend you or something but I’ve heard that before from women who cheated on their boyfriends with me and without generalizing the behavior it would warrant sufficient paranoia from your SO

Some toxic guys would even use that to make you look like the villain which I’ve also seen happen
You're probably right. There are a lot of toxic people who blame their partners for various reasons, spread rumors, lies, self-project, etc. This is to deflect their own behavior or wrongdoings.

I do have childhood friends that are friends of the family that happens to be male (we're basically cousins), we give each other advice. When they view my relationship, our interactions, they will tell me the truth. If they see shady behavior, they will say so.

But, I get what you mean. I also am very aware of boundaries, thus I don't talk to guys about my relationship problems (this obviously can invite the wrong types of behavior). And, I agree with you that problems should be left between the couples to discuss. If one partner makes it unbearable to communicate, then break-up is a passive-aggressive way of getting their partners to end it, especially if they don't have a reason to find fault in their partners- so it's done intentionally on purpose- and then they blame the person they checked out on, on top of that.

An honest person always seeks to problem solve within the relationship without stonewalling. And, thank you for your honesty!! Really good point!
 

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No harcore complain in discontempt, rather as a funny side of the SO I find cute and/or hilarious. Preferable if the SO is within hearing distance.
 

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Sometimes it's helpful to get an outside perspective. For some relationships, it's imperative.
The main thing is carefully selecting which person you confide in.

If someone's that bothered that their SO occasionally complains about them to someone else, perhaps the complaints are justified.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Sometimes it's helpful to get an outside perspective. For some relationships, it's imperative.
The main thing is carefully selecting which person you confide in.

If someone's that bothered that their SO occasionally complains about them to someone else, perhaps the complaints are justified.

Justified how?
 

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Justified how?
Like perhaps they really were out of line so they don't want other people to know about it.

I'm dubious of the suggestion that bad aspects or behaviour (since we're talking about complaints here) in a relationship should be kept private.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Disclosing intimate or personal details itself is a bad thing, let alone not working your relationship out in discretion
 

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I don’t talk about my personal relationship with others - more so talk badly about my significant others , I would be deeply offended if I were to find out that my partner is complaining about me behind my back . If they were to make up rumor about me and nag about it then I guess it’ll be as worst as unintentionally cheating .


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Disclosing intimate or personal details itself is a bad thing, let alone not working your relationship out in discretion
This statement sounds very black & white.
Maybe you could clarify what you mean by "intimate and personal details"?

Secretiveness can also facilitate abusive relationships. If a person is ever unsure about the way they're being treated or even about the way they're treating somebody else, they should absolutely get an outside perspective from someone they trust.
The issue should be who they discuss with and why, not the fact that they discuss it.

Obviously not from somebody who wants to take advantage of them. But if they're so naive that they could be taken advantage of under those circumstances, then they probably need more outside perspectives than other's.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
This statement sounds very black & white.
Maybe you could clarify what you mean by "intimate and personal details"?

Secretiveness can also facilitate abusive relationships. If a person is ever unsure about the way they're being treated or even about the way they're treating somebody else, they should absolutely get an outside perspective from someone they trust.
The issue should be who they discuss with and why, not the fact that they discuss it.

Obviously not from somebody who wants to take advantage of them. But if they're so naive that they could be taken advantage of under those circumstances, then they probably need more outside perspectives than other's.


If the line is blurred to you when you don’t know what’s mistreatment and what’s not then that issue relates to the individual’s lack of maturity and naiveness, they shouldn’t endeavor in relationships if they don’t have a clear view of what they would like to feel and be seen
 

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If the line is blurred to you when you don’t know what’s mistreatment and what’s not then that issue relates to the individual’s lack of maturity and naiveness, they shouldn’t endeavor in relationships if they don’t have a clear view of what they would like to feel and be seen
Abuse isn't usually clear or obvious in the initial stages, when it's easier to stop it. That's why so many abuse victims ended up in abusive relationships, which they struggled to get out of. Things like gaslighting, invalidating and minimising are examples of how being in the thick of a situation can cause people to be unsure of what's happening.

There's nothing wrong with someone getting an objective opinion to make something more clear. They might even be overreacting or being too sensitive. They can't exactly talk to their SO to see if they're overreacting because if their SO is an abusive person, they're obviously going to say yes.

It's not someone's fault if they're abused because they're naive or immature, anyway. Saying they shouldn't be in a relationship if they can't figure it out alone sounds like victim blaming.

Suggesting keep your SO's bad behaviour or potential bad behaviour a secret or leave them is unreasonable and also unrealistic.

If people don't want their SO telling anyone what an ass they've been, then they shouldn't be an ass. Simple.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
Abuse isn't usually clear or obvious in the initial stages, when it's easier to stop it. That's why so many abuse victims ended up in abusive relationships, which they struggled to get out of. Things like gaslighting, invalidating and minimising are examples of how being in the thick of a situation can cause people to be unsure of what's happening.

There's nothing wrong with someone getting an objective opinion to make something more clear. They might even be overreacting or being too sensitive. They can't exactly talk to their SO to see if they're overreacting because if their SO is an abusive person, they're obviously going to say yes.

It's not someone's fault if they're abused because they're naive or immature, anyway. Saying they shouldn't be in a relationship if they can't figure it out alone sounds like victim blaming.

Suggesting keep your SO's bad behaviour or potential bad behaviour a secret or leave them is unreasonable and also unrealistic.

If people don't want their SO telling anyone what an ass they've been, then they shouldn't be an ass. Simple.

I think everybody knows abuse is abuse, if you dislike something talk it out and express it, if it persists then end it, if someone’s being abused that’s different but then it depends on what abusive is, I’d only excuse it if it was physical
 

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I think everybody knows abuse is abuse, if you dislike something talk it out and express it, if it persists then end it, if someone’s being abused that’s different but then it depends on what abusive is, I’d only excuse it if it was physical
Abuse is just one reason and example why people shouldn't be encouraged to keep bad parts of their relationship a secret.

While I'm certainly not suggesting that people should always discuss everything in their relationship with random people, I don't see the benefit of never discussing it. Sometimes we need to get some perspective on situations we're deeply involved in.

I'm careful about who I confide in or complain to. Still, at times, confiding in someone else has helped me feel justified that I'm correct and other times it's helped me realise I'm in the wrong. We're all capable of being in the wrong and it's more difficult to acknowledge if we're angry or hurt at the time.
Long term relationships involve a lot of issues and disagreements, they would never happen if people walked away due to misunderstandings or blind spots.
I don't believe in fairytale relationships where couples always "talk things out" between them and then kiss and make up. Life doesn't work that way. People sometimes hit a stalemate.
If my bf believes I'm being an ass and I'm adamant that I'm not being an ass, he's entitled to get a second opinion about my behaviour. In fact I'd encourage him to get a second opinion about my behaviour. I wouldn't begrudge him that and insist he listens only to my opinion or he leaves me.
 

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Personally I dislike it when girls i showed interest to complain about their boyfriends, break up with the dude or talk to him about it.

What are you doing discussing private matters with outsiders, what is privacy for. You might as well cheat because due to my ass being single I will naturally take advantage
This has happened to me a couple of times. I've told them I'm the wrong person to be complaining to. Go talk to your SO.
 

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I think everybody knows abuse is abuse, if you dislike something talk it out and express it, if it persists then end it, if someone’s being abused that’s different but then it depends on what abusive is, I’d only excuse it if it was physical
That sounds really silly to me.
If it were that simple, I don't think anyone would ever get into abusive relationships.

But it's not that simple.

Also why would you excuse physical abuse only because it is physical? Physical abuse is abuse.
 

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Personally I dislike it when girls i showed interest to complain about their boyfriends, break up with the dude or talk to him about it.

What are you doing discussing private matters with outsiders, what is privacy for. You might as well cheat because due to my ass being single I will naturally take advantage
Basically, I agree. It's something I really do not like in women (and I am only saying that because I date women, not because men do not also do it).

But I hear a ton of women down-talk their men to each other. This is surely poisonous. It reflects upon them that they stay with men they feel the need to down-talk. They do not have a precious private relationship.

It's just yet another reason i really like INFJs. They pretty much do not do that. They mature fast, and keep the right things precious. Now if they would just develop more energy and openness to things that are not bad at all, just hard or extra.

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I find that this chaos tendency is a commiseration of desire as an emotion. Orderly women (and men) are MUCH less likely to do this.
Do you want to know the main reason why? These people are posing. They are presenting the situation AS IF any day now their just desserts are going to walk through the door, sweep them off their (ample) self-indulgent posteriors, and elevate their life more to the station they clearly deserve. Delusion ... knows no bounds. It an addiction to posing.
 

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It's just yet another reason i really like INFJs. They pretty much do not do that. They mature fast, and keep the right things precious.
Wtf?
Yes, they do! They do it on here! Infj's have done this to me. Where's your head at?

You're making sweeping generalisations and it seems you're ignorantly unaware of your own projections, a little introspection is needed here.
 

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One of the first things abusers do is to try to isolate their victims so they have no one else to talk to about it. Then the victim is constantly subjected to the abusers brainwashing without friends or family to help put it in perspective, to help the victim get out of the negative coping patterns (like compartmentalizing, disassociation, etc.)

I agree--if your partner doesn't want anyone knowing what an ass they are being, don't be a fucking ass.

Unless you're in a relationship with an abuser or a narcissist who is keeping all your secrets to spread them around when they want to throw a wedge between you and your friends and family, then I don't think it's wise to go to the extreme of assuming your partner should never talk to anyone else about problems.

And you could say the same thing--if you're in a relationship with someone like a narcissist who is spreading rumors about you, get out. Don't expect them to stop, because they won't.

Ultimately partners should be able to talk with each other about everything, but there are situations when it can help to get outside perspectives. It's not a one size fit all situation.

Also--if you are someone who wants to be a good partner, then learning how to listen to your SO, learning how to accept their criticism so they can feel comfortable trusting your response and feel comfortable talking with you about it--that's going to go a lot farther than trying to tell them who to talk to.
 
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