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Hi ! So I am new here and it took me forever to come up with a topic for my first post (possibly even more finding out how to). But I love this website and I'm excited to navigate through it and embark on this journey to discover myself. :)

Since I know I'm talking to other INFJ's (super exciting), I guess I'm just going to be brutally honest. I am here with a serious question and a severe problem. For starters I want to point out that I recently took the Big 5 Personality test and scored moderately low on Agreeableness. *foreshadowing*

So a little bit about me:
Strangers usually tell me that I'm really shy, but kind, quiet, reserved and just the average girl.
People who know me (like my friends) say that I'm insane, funny, smart, witty, knowledgeable, always willing to help in counseling and trustworthy
My parents think I'm the best daughter ever, loyal, faithful, studious, smart but super lazy and unhelpful with chores.

And now for the grand finale:
What my co-workers think about me: they think I'm really bossy, inconsiderate, always angry, insulting, unappreciative, rude, s t r i c t and a total b*tch.

This has happened to me. Every. Single. Time.
Since middle school, to high school, to now in college. It's terrible and I've had enough. It's like I can never work with people, I always have to work by myself because apparently I'm not group work material.

Last semester I had to do a psychology project for college with a group of 7 girls. 5 of them ended up hating me and almost failing me for the peer evaluations. It was the worst thing that has ever happened to me and with school starting in less than a month, I really don't want it to happen again.

Has this ever happened to you? Do you feel like you make more enemies than friends when working in groups for school or college?

Someone please give me some advice! What can I do to please people?

It really became a reality for me when I realized every single person in my "enemies list" had worked with me previously in a group project. Everyone else thinks I'm a saint and it's really depressing when I have to tell people I love "nope, believe it or not there are actual people in this world who hate me and think the worst of me." :(
 

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Honestly, I am the best group partner a person can have. I am going to pull my weight, and yours. I take the obligation of the entire group. So, in a way, I approach the entire project like it relies solely on me, and treat is as such. So I am not disappointed when others slack off, I am prepared for it. I am actually expecting them to. So, there is nothing that they can fuck up, that I haven't already foreseen, and compensated for. I do not rely on other people.

I do like to lift up those around me, with me. If I am better than them at something, I have an honest interest in trying to bring them up to my level. I am not competitive in that sense. Helping people actually gives me a chance to show off, and impress them.

So, it is nearly impossible for me to make enemies. Because even if a lab partner doesn't even show up, or do anything. The thing is going to be turned in perfectly. I mean, I don't respect the guy. But, I was given a task, and I'm gonna do it. My name is on it.
 

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You sound a lot like me honestly. I have always hated group projects. At most, I can usually handle projects with one partner, granted they are willing to pull the weight and we click fairly well. I actually became friends with one of my lab partners, more so of an acquaintance actually. For someone who likes harmony, all that gets tossed out the window when there is a specific objective and deadline that needs to be met. The shorter the deadline (and the cooperation of the group), the shorter my temper. I go into total controlling Ti bitch mode. It usually reflects on my opinion of the group's competence to complete the task. The more helpful they are, the nicer I am though usually. I've probably made some enemies that way, but it hasn't seemed to affect my grade in their evaluations (though most people are fairly dishonest anyway, even I feel the need to be more generous in evaluating my group because I don't like to mess with people's grades either regardless of what criticism they actually deserve).
 

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Gosh, I know how that feels, I have encountered the same situation before too. Whether it's at school or in the workplace, I will sometimes encounter people who seemed to hate me for no reason. I actually have people hating on me just because I am a quiet person. What's wrong with being a quiet person? :rolleyes:


Anyway, you shouldn't take those people's opinions personally. They probably have something else going on in their lives and they decide to take out their frustration onto you.
Just continue to be the bigger person and continue to treat them nice. The way we treat someone defines who we are. Just because someone treats us like garbage doesn't mean we have to stoop to their level and treat them the same way.
And most importantly, don't let your feelings get hurt by them. There are lots of mean people everywhere in this world, and if we want to survive in this world, we have to toughen up and learn not to take other people's opinions of us too personally.
Other people's opinions of us is only their opinion, but their opinions are not facts, the fact is, nobody knows us better than we know ourselves. People only know us based on what they see and heard about us, but they don't know what we think and feel, they can't see what is going on inside our brains, and then they decide to create assumptions about us and jump to conclusions about us and hate us. So why should we take their opinions seriously? They don't really know us anyway, and their opinion of us is inaccurate anyway.
 

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Honestly, I am the best group partner a person can have. I am going to pull my weight, and yours. I take the obligation of the entire group. So, in a way, I approach the entire project like it relies solely on me, and treat is as such. So I am not disappointed when others slack off, I am prepared for it. I am actually expecting them to. So, there is nothing that they can fuck up, that I haven't already foreseen, and compensated for. I do not rely on other people.

I do like to lift up those around me, with me. If I am better than them at something, I have an honest interest in trying to bring them up to my level. I am not competitive in that sense. Helping people actually gives me a chance to show off, and impress them.

So, it is nearly impossible for me to make enemies. Because even if a lab partner doesn't even show up, or do anything. The thing is going to be turned in perfectly. I mean, I don't respect the guy. But, I was given a task, and I'm gonna do it. My name is on it.
Agreed. I have learned to lower my expectations of group partners significantly, and am just pleasantly surprised when they actually do come through for me.
 

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Anyway, you shouldn't take those people's opinions personally. They probably have something else going on in their lives and they decide to take out their frustration onto you.
Forgive me, but I entirely don't agree with this--respectably.

If every single person that hates her is someone in her group, all the way from middle school, then obviously she is doing something wrong. I find it hard to believe that it could be the other way around.

---

Here is what I think is happening--and I'm only guessing based off of small things, since you didn't really give much to work off of.

You work well alone. You don't fail things. And you don't want to fail things--almost OCD like.

Thus, when you become a part of the group, you become afraid of putting your grade in the hands of another person, or even seven other people. So, instead of finding a way to mix well with the group, you go to the extreme of doing anything you can to stand yourself apart from the group, and make sure you do what you can to get your grade.

INFJs tend to lean toward extremes due to inability. And then to couple that with your ongoing lack of inexperience in a working group.

This is not a "it's everyone but me" situation. However, you are aware of the problem, and you are aware that you are un-agreeable in groups. Now you have to be aware of when it happens and negate it.
 

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Agreed. I have learned to lower my expectations of group partners significantly, and am just pleasantly surprised when they actually do come through for me.
lol, yeah. It's like, when you lower expectations of people, you can like them more, and see more good in them. So, even the smallest thing they do, impresses you. Everything is a bonus, when you expect nothing.
 
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lol, yeah. It's like, when you lower expectations of people, you can like them more, and see more good in them. So, even the smallest thing they do, impresses you. Everything is a bonus, when you expect nothing.
Huh, yeah. That's a pretty cool perspective actually compared to being delusional/overly idealistic or completely cynical. It's quite refreshing just to take things as they come and be able to see people as they are. Expectations seem to distort everything. It seems very balanced.
 

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Generally, people already have their preconceived notions about me prior to any sort of group project and I'm not sure whether that changes all that much. I usually end up being the leader or overseer of sorts, but I'm not sure that's necessarily a slam dunk at how amazing I am vs people simply wanting to shed responsibility. Regardless, I usually have a few kiss ups or approval seekers and at times, withdrawn people (who may not like me or may be shy). That said, I'm big on including people and making them feel important -- I find this goes a LONG way.

One of my favourite quotes "Everybody around you has an invisible sign on their head that says 'make me feel important.'"

Focusing on you though, it seems like people may have some relatively strong opinions of you. Hard to say what the reasoning may be exactly as it appears you don't know yourself either, but we can look into a bit of trial and error -- perhaps some social engineering of sorts. You really have to learn these invisible lines that you're not meant to cross or perhaps social cues that you have to be cautious of. An opinion of you isn't shaped instantly, but rather an accumulation of things overtime so catching any missteps early can be great. More-often though, it's about raising or supporting (lifting up) everyone around you, not being dismissive, a loner, or what have you.

Basic stuff, but try to use names and paraphrase what others say often. If you're going to interject with your own opinion, address what others may have brought up "_____ made a great point and got me wondering about blah blah." If you have little or nothing to say, throw in a basic form of approval "I like that" as silence can more-often be seen as negative or dissenting to others. When people feel good, important, or appreciated, they will be drawn to you.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
I see what you are saying and I agree. When it comes to working in groups of just two people, I usually do just fine. When the person wants to take the leadership role, I let them. When they are too shy, I take the leadership role. When we both know each other, than its just mutual.

For the most part, the conflict starts when its more than 2 or 3, say like 5, 6 or 7 people. And especially when they are super lazy and don't do anything. Then the work they submit it's low-quality and criticize it and they feel "insulted."
I end up thinking "I rather they call me a b*tch than get a grade I know I don't deserve."

But I feel like there should be better ways around that, like a different persuasive strategy, where I can somehow get them to do what I want... without making them feel bad? Am I being too idealistic here? lol

****Sorry I don't know how to reply to an individual member yet, (this was my first post here I joined yesterday!) this is meant for the first user to reply to my thread "Fear and Trembling." Thank you!
 

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This is for user named "SHEA"

Thank you for your reply, I am glad I am not the only one. Again as I mentioned earlier, I work just fine with a lab partner or in groups of 2. Its when it's more that the conflict starts. Also I do the same for peer evaluations, I gave them all A's which is what in the end persuaded them not to fail me!
 

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Good advice @Lad. Words of affirmation do indeed go a long way. Perhaps, I can be more encouraging, too, in group setting because I have appreciated the group members who lifted me up when I was stressed out (which is most of the time during group projects).
 

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This is for user named "SHEA"

Thank you for your reply, I am glad I am not the only one. Again as I mentioned earlier, I work just fine with a lab partner or in groups of 2. Its when it's more that the conflict starts. Also I do the same for peer evaluations, I gave them all A's which is what in the end persuaded them not to fail me!
Thank you. :) And yeah, more variables often lead to more chaos. Also, I think I do better with one-on-one because I can be a decent peer tutor to people from what many people tell me. About three people max is my threshold assuming things go well and everyone contributes before I get a bit sour. Of course, it really depends on the group, and the people in it. The dynamics can be rather interesting. I think it's also just that I am more persuasive with less people in a group.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
"WinterFox"

Me too! I have encountered people that simply hate me for no reason. I just walk up to them when I haven't done anything or talked and they walk away. I don't have an explanation other than just jealousy at this point in my life.

Thank you for your kind words but it's hard for me to ignore people's opinions of me. I feel this sense of wanting to fit in, not be popular, just simply normal. I don't like when people hate me.

I love people and love helping others. I want to have a good reputation, so that people can confide in me their troubles (for counseling purposes). Instead of avoiding people and ignoring their opinions, maybe I should take them to heart. Maybe the one that needs to change really is me.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
"ANTIPODE"
Thank you for your response!!
True, I do have OCD. And true, I do want a good grade!

The reason why it was 5 of them (that turned against me) and not all six was because the other girl was my friend!!!
Also, I had taken the leadership role (because none of the other girls stood up). The project had been assigned at the beginning of the year and it was passed Spring Break. I said "F**k it" and put the girls into teams of 2. I was with my friend doing Carl Jung. Another group was Freud (2 girls) and the other group was Adler (3 girls). Then they submitted their work (due on friday). I had my friend create a Facebook group and everything.

Their work was late, it was poor, low-quality, and absolutely unacceptable. I told them that if they didn't get their act together I would tell the teacher. That's where they felt "threatened."

Omg, it was such a nightmare, it's hard to talk about. In the end, I had to apologize through a Facebook post and they promised not to fail me. :(
 

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"ANTIPODE"
Thank you for your response!!
True, I do have OCD. And true, I do want a good grade!

The reason why it was 5 of them (that turned against me) and not all six was because the other girl was my friend!!!
Also, I had taken the leadership role (because none of the other girls stood up). The project had been assigned at the beginning of the year and it was passed Spring Break. I said "F**k it" and put the girls into teams of 2. I was with my friend doing Carl Jung. Another group was Freud (2 girls) and the other group was Adler (3 girls). Then they submitted their work (due on friday). I had my friend create a Facebook group and everything.

Their work was late, it was poor, low-quality, and absolutely unacceptable. I told them that if they didn't get their act together I would tell the teacher. That's where they felt "threatened."

Omg, it was such a nightmare, it's hard to talk about. In the end, I had to apologize through a Facebook post and they promised not to fail me. :(
That's their fault then. Procrastination combined with laziness is just unacceptable. I don't have OCD, but I have some perfectionist tendencies. My INFJ friend actually does have OCD though.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
"LAD"

You really are a lad! Thank you so much for replying!
I wish I could "thank" you but I don't seem to find the thumbs up button on your post.

Your tips really helped and I love the quote you added!! Very appreciated!!!
 

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People who know me (like my friends) say that I'm insane, funny, smart, witty, knowledgeable, always willing to help in counseling and trustworthy
My parents think I'm the best daughter ever, loyal, faithful, studious, smart but super lazy and unhelpful with chores.

And now for the grand finale:
What my co-workers think about me: they think I'm really bossy, inconsiderate, always angry, insulting, unappreciative, rude, s t r i c t and a total b*tch.
I know what you mean. I don't have to work in groups very often (luckily, I must say), I'm most comfortable at solo work. As someone already said, I depend on my skills, knowledge and intuition and I usually don't fail. I have high expectations from myself in my area of expertise and I don't like to fail (even though it is inevitable sometimes :)). However, when I have to work in groups (group = 2+), I tend to presume that others can think the same way I do, which in reality is very unlikely and can turn into frustration very quickly. How the hell can they NOT see the solution when it's so clear in my mind?! You get the idea. :) I can very well slide into bossy, inconsiderate perfectionist style and piss people around me off in no time, especially if I'm under pressure.

That being said, I am aware of those traits and I consciously work on taming them. I'm naturally very directive in communication (which is kinda typical for many INFJs), but I usually do that in a polite way, as I have no intention to offend anyone. Thanks to that, I don't think I have any enemies at all. But it took mi some time to get there.

For example, I spent the last month training a new colleague, who was going to replace me in my (now former) job. He's a nice guy and we're getting along very well, so I was really working hard to control myself and preserve harmony, even though the work sometimes wasn't up to my standards. I said to myself: Relax, he'll learn eventually. And I did all I could to guide and help him.

So perhaps you could try closely watching your own behavior in those situations, analyze and if needed, learn how to wrap the communication style in a more polite way.
 
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