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Discussion Starter #1
It seems that most INFJs, including myself, opt not to, despite there sometimes being merit for it. Like for example, if someone offends you, would it be better to call them out on it or protect their feelings? Aren't you neglecting yourself by not letting them know how you feel? And most people probably aren't as sensitive as an INFJ can be, so empathy that we like to call it could be a projection of our own feelings, rather than an understanding of what their feelings would be in that situation. It just seems so unhealthy the way we internalize things, that's why I ask. Hope I'm making sense.
 

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I don't think I'm mean. I think I can be very assertive and shock someone that is being highly manipulative and don't put up with it....and if they are playing games on top of that. I don't have any patience for games and manipulation....

-most of the time I choose to ignore it, because I don't want to cause waves or I just don't want more stress and feel that talking it out with certain personalities is a waste of time, because they have their mind set and have typed me.

-usually I'm very "aloof" according to my ex-boyfriend.....but I'm appearing "cold" and "aloof" because I'm either guarded or because I'm in thinking mode. -if someone is being highly manipulative and gamey.....I will confront them....but then if it continues...I choose to walk away and appear to be "aloof" or let them think they had the last word, because spending energy talking to them is just not worth it in my opinion....

-if I feel it will hurt their feelings....I've held back....I hold back way too much! -sometimes I kick myself later for sparing their feelings when they obviously don't care about mine......
 

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Here is the sort of things I determine (unconsciously) before hurting someone's feelings:

1. The emotional stability and boundaries of both myself and the person
2. How grave the offense is in relation to my emotional stability and boundaries, as well as my personal value system
3. Why the offender committed the offense - discovering any recent or long-term history that may have influenced the offender's current emotions or offense
4. My relation to the person and its importance in the long-run

I generally do not intend to hurt someone's feelings. However, if I feel the person is deserving of it then they will have it be known. A person must usually go through a long process before becoming deserving of my hurting their feelings. It might go something like this:

Normal Situation: The offender causes a general offense

Determine intentions of offense, causations of action --> Attempt to alleviate offender of any ulterior motives --> Rationalizing nicely with offender the harms of continuing said offense...[if offender refuses to listen] --> convince offender to listen with Fe/Ti --> give brusque input --> let offender know of the effects of the offense on me --> silent treatment [sometimes] --> absolutely, and continually, demolish offender with no regards for their emotion until they are truly sorry and understanding of their offenses

In rare cases: The offender personally offends me



Basically, if the person does not listen or heed to any advice, input, or warnings (subtle or not), I will make them sorry for what they did until they accept accountability and understand the actions of their offense. Their emotions are of concern until I'm fed up with their actions - and that is determined when they have so little concern for MY emotions, that I should return that equally with no mercy. If they have zero respect for my emotions they should know how it's like. I don't like it but I do it if necessary.
 

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Wow, well the rest of the posters so far pretty much said it all lol.
 
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Not when I was younger.

Now I stick up for myself first.
If the offender is a decent person they'll understand and take it as a learning experience.
It's just communication.
 

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i think there has to be some way for us INFJs to express our feelings to others in a healthy way, that both gets the point across in a very candid manner, and is also considerate to the other person's feelings. it can be difficult to be upset w/ someone and trying to be considerate at the same time, which brings up the question..."should i say something or ignore it?". we should take a step back and try to choose which instances call for the person to be confronted, or if it's just not that important for us to get emotionally involved in, as hard as that may be.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
You can hurt someone's feelings merely by stating your own feelings. By avoiding this tension, we often create tension within ourselves, and I think that is the worse of the two. Sometimes I think that creating conflict is unavoidable, especially when the other person didn't take your feelings into account first. Arguing isn't necessarily conflict anyway...it's necessary to create a better relationship as long as both parties take each other's feelings into account and avoid letting it get off topic. Like the way some people can bring up a miniscule event that happened 324324 years ago when you two are arguing over something in the immediate past...that really irks me lol
 
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I tend to avoid hurting feelings unless, in all the contingencies, there is no path that won't lead to hurting feelings. Then I usually path to the shortest and least painful - and if such combination doesn't exist, then simply the shortest.

It hurts me, too. But pain recovers with time. I think.
 

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It seems that most INFJs, including myself, opt not to, despite there sometimes being merit for it. Like for example, if someone offends you, would it be better to call them out on it or protect their feelings? Aren't you neglecting yourself by not letting them know how you feel? And most people probably aren't as sensitive as an INFJ can be, so empathy that we like to call it could be a projection of our own feelings, rather than an understanding of what their feelings would be in that situation. It just seems so unhealthy the way we internalize things, that's why I ask. Hope I'm making sense.
I strike at the heart and core of the person who hurts my family. I will never, ever accept anyone who has ever hurt my mother and I live by a vow of revenge that before I die, I will have vengeance against all the people who hurt my parents.

So yes, I don't give a Fe-damn when it comes to defending the ones I love [which pretty much is my immediate family].

I don't hurt the ones who attack me though. I forgive them. And usually try to make an attempt to apologize and reconcile if I feel that I have really wronged another person unintentionally.

But yes .. I will not stand by and watch someone pick on my family without me attacking their deepest insecurities myself.
 

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Do you ever find it okay to hurt someone's feelings? or would it be better to call them out on it?


If I know the person I will be honest with them but will not hurt their feelings.

If I don't know the person and they flat out insulted me or anyone I know then I will call them out on it. I usually give back the same thing they said to me. If they don’t respect others they shouldn't expect others to respect them back. It happened to be yesterday, I shared an opinion which was not insulting to anyone and I got " I pity you..." so I said "I pity you for..." I don’t care if they got their feelings hurt or not *shrug*
 

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Sometimes. Depends on the situation. For example, it's something minor, like a friend saying, "What do you think of this dress?", I'll tell her it looks nice, regardless. But if I'm getting verbally attacked, or someone I love is getting verbally attacked, I'll fight back with a vengeance, their feelings be damned. (Charged anger!) Also, as uncomfortable as it might make the other person (or me), I would rather say "hey, I think you deserve better than your boyfriend is giving you" (or something else serious concerning a person's well-being) than to preserve their feelings by keeping silent about it. I do try to soften the blow, though -- be as gentle as possible, etc.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
I've never really believed in the vengeance you guys seem to talk about. I think I've done it on occasion, but I've always wished in those instances that I would have handled the situation better. It doesn't seem okay to fight fire with fire
 

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I've never really believed in the vengeance you guys seem to talk about. I think I've done it on occasion, but I've always wished in those instances that I would have handled the situation better. It doesn't seem okay to fight fire with fire
That's a confusing post :/

You're either admitting to neglecting yourself (by not letting them know how you feel) and internalizing it or you're just as guilty of fighting fire with fire too.
 

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Discussion Starter #19
That's a confusing post :/

You're either admitting to neglecting yourself (by not letting them know how you feel) and internalizing it or you're just as guilty of fighting fire with fire too.
You don't have to attack someone to tell them how you feel or to shut them out of your life lol..."tearing them to shreds" might seem like a romantic idea, but i'd think most infjs would feel guilty in the long run lashing out.
 

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You don't have to attack someone to tell them how you feel or to shut them out of your life lol..."tearing them to shreds" might seem like a romantic idea, but i'd think most infjs would feel guilty in the long run lashing out.
Obviously it was for comedic effect. Essentially, the idea still holds, if someone were to purposely attack me then I'd react/defend.

Any type would feel guilty, but there's a difference between lashing out and defending yourself against someone trying to hurt you or the people you care about.
 
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