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Do you ever find "normal" behavior and attitudes of people to be too agressive?

Being self-employed and liking my own private space, I'm used to spending a lot of time on my own or in a small circle of other *NFJ friends. I also live in a smaller town of 30.000 people, that has a laid back feel to it.

Since enrolling back to college in a larger city I'm coming in contact with a wider and more diverse circle of people and I've noticed something that I find really disturbing.

It seems to me that the average behavior, attitudes and responses of the majority of people I now meet is too aggressive in style. I mean... when I communicate with people I do it in a compassionate, friendly, kind manner... yet coming in contact with these new people I find it that they have this pushy, aggressive vibe to their style of communication. It's like they're constantly on-guard, in a fight or flight mode (more fight than flight) and have this me-vs-you attitude. It's not often direct, or obvious but I can really feel the lack of friendly and compassionate vibes in their communication.

What also surprises me is that most other people I talk to about this issue, don't really find it this bothering. They see this behavior as normal and find me "too sensitive".

Do any other INFJs notice anything similar? Is this aggressive vibe just more developed in a bigger cities? How do you deal with this?

Thanks!
 

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I think that has more to do with the fact that it's in the city. People in a large city act a lot different than people in a smaller town. Try walking down the street in a city and saying hi to random people, they'll most likely look at you with a lot of suspicion and unease, or just completely ignore you. In a small town people just seem nicer, more trusting overall. Big cities create big egos as well.
 

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I agree as well. There is no good reason for it.
 

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I can relate. I'm not an INFJ, but I have trouble interacting comfortably with normal people because of what you are describing here.

(INFP & HSP)
 

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Being self-employed and liking my own private space, I'm used to spending a lot of time on my own or in a small circle of other *NFJ friends. I also live in a smaller town of 30.000 people, that has a laid back feel to it.

Since enrolling back to college in a larger city I'm coming in contact with a wider and more diverse circle of people and I've noticed something that I find really disturbing.

It seems to me that the average behavior, attitudes and responses of the majority of people I now meet is too aggressive in style. I mean... when I communicate with people I do it in a compassionate, friendly, kind manner... yet coming in contact with these new people I find it that they have this pushy, aggressive vibe to their style of communication. It's like they're constantly on-guard, in a fight or flight mode (more fight than flight) and have this me-vs-you attitude. It's not often direct, or obvious but I can really feel the lack of friendly and compassionate vibes in their communication.

What also surprises me is that most other people I talk to about this issue, don't really find it this bothering. They see this behavior as normal and find me "too sensitive".

Do any other INFJs notice anything similar? Is this aggressive vibe just more developed in a bigger cities? How do you deal with this?

Thanks!
I prefer not to be aggressive, but I have unfortuntaley had to deal with many rough situations where it was necessary. It used to make me so uncomfortable that I would just walk away from it, and then I would get angry at myself for doing that. So I make a judgment in my mind on whether being aggressive/assertive is the right corse of action to take in a given situation.

I hope you realize that you aren't going to be able to convince people who think you are "too sensitive" that your way is the right way. They may see you as weak- in which case they probably won't even listen to your side that much.

And I don't think it's just the big cities. I'm in the country, but it's no Mayberry where I live.
 

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Over the last 30 years I have noticed this attitude intensifying.

I don't think I'm being too subjective here, but I don't recall people being as
aggressive as they are now.

I find it very difficult to deal with as I can compare with the past.
I don't think it is functional, healthy behaviour, but behaviour coming
from increased fear.

Thing is why are people more fearful and defensive? It'd be interesting
to see what anthropologists and social scientists have to say on this.
(reptilian part of our brain amping up?).

And no, I don't think we're being too sensitive.
 

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Since enrolling back to college in a larger city I'm coming in contact with a wider and more diverse circle of people and I've noticed something that I find really disturbing.

It seems to me that the average behavior, attitudes and responses of the majority of people I now meet is too aggressive in style.
I am in grad school in Amsterdam, Nederland. The city itself has a population of 1 million and the out-laying areas bring the population closer to 2.5 million. Yet in my grad classes (musicology) I'm the most aggressive person in the class. I am the loudest, the most passionate, and the person who speaks out the most. I find this fascinating because it speaks BOATLOADS about culture and placement. I have never been one to shy away from speaking in class, but I was always the least aggressive person in the US. I was also the shyest. The Dutch could make shyness (at least the people I've met) into an Olympic sport. I have never been a community that feels so genuinely accepting and quiet. The lack of intense noise in a city of nearly 2.5 million people is really amazing here.

I experience the aggression thing when I go back to the US. If you wanted to discuss possible causes for the differences in behavior, I'd be happy to carry on that philosophical debate, but I'm not sure it would be a discussion for this thread.

Great post idea!
 
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I admit that I might be part of this group. I very easily turn testy. But I always feel bad for it and apologize later!
 

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I think that has more to do with the fact that it's in the city. People in a large city act a lot different than people in a smaller town. Try walking down the street in a city and saying hi to random people, they'll most likely look at you with a lot of suspicion and unease, or just completely ignore you. In a small town people just seem nicer, more trusting overall. Big cities create big egos as well.
Yup. It does. In a small town say of 2000-3000 people - your going to find nicer people. Why? Because there is less people around and the urge to have social connections override their guard/aggressive. Also in smaller towns, your more likely to get to know everyone, even if they are new. Simply stating you just recently moved to town for example, and bam, you have welcome baskets and other crazy stuff by the end of the conversation.

I think it's the mentality than anything else.
 

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I'm with Owfin on this one. I may be INFJ and don't naturally communicate this way, but in a combative situation/atmosphere like the one described by the OP I can easily return the volley with interest. It's not intentional! But unfortunately, it sometimes is personal... In my case it's a knee-jerk reaction to said situation, a sort of immature dick measuring to preserve my self-worth (yes, immature as I said). I don't like conflict but can't back down -that's worse! I always feel badly about it afterwards and wonder what I could do to restrain that impulse or at least manage it better.

But I can't speak for others, and I doubt everyone behaves this way as a result of immaturity. Just look at our ENTP siblings, they do this verbal sparring for the pure fun of it!

As to what to do about it... I'd love to hear more on non-avoidance/flight coping strategies!
 

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Also, I agree on the big city thing. I've lived in extremely small places and although there are still those people (you know the ones I mean), the overall tone is much friendlier and accepting.

Maybe also if the OP is spending a lot of time at campus that may make it worse. Nothing like a bunch of college kids battling egos. :)
 

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Unfortunately, that does seem to be the trend doesn't it? Then again, if you think about it, a lot of people in the city are more prone to being suspicious, in a rush, etc. because people are busier and also the more people there is, the more reason there is to be suspicious. There are also higher crime rates and more crimes committed in cities than in small towns. It would be pretty tiring wearing a smile, acting friendly, etc. to everyone you see in a big city (can be many people). That's certainly not an excuse but those are my thoughts.
I know this forum is a little old but I just wanted to say something :)
 

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Ah. Love your neighbor, but take into account that his previous neighbor stole his shears and his wife. The world is an ugly place, whether or not we contribute. Have you watched the news, lately? Now, I'm totally aware that fear mongers are gonna do their fear mongering, but is everyone? I've picked up countless hitchhikers and not once have I ever felt threatened, but look at the stigma attached to them. Look at the stigma attached to everything; those carry on into the vauge abyss of whatever "adulthood" consists of.
"I keep to myself, mostly" Sometimes, I wonder if other people wonder how terrifyingly common that is. I don't find close relationships significant at this point in my life, but I'd never blow a smiling stranger off in fear. End rant.
I don't know what the hell any of that accomplished, but I feel your pain. I just smile and walk away if a stranger isn't friendly. They'll think about it for awhile, anyway.
 

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Being self-employed and liking my own private space, I'm used to spending a lot of time on my own or in a small circle of other *NFJ friends. I also live in a smaller town of 30.000 people, that has a laid back feel to it.

Since enrolling back to college in a larger city I'm coming in contact with a wider and more diverse circle of people and I've noticed something that I find really disturbing.

It seems to me that the average behavior, attitudes and responses of the majority of people I now meet is too aggressive in style. I mean... when I communicate with people I do it in a compassionate, friendly, kind manner... yet coming in contact with these new people I find it that they have this pushy, aggressive vibe to their style of communication. It's like they're constantly on-guard, in a fight or flight mode (more fight than flight) and have this me-vs-you attitude. It's not often direct, or obvious but I can really feel the lack of friendly and compassionate vibes in their communication.

What also surprises me is that most other people I talk to about this issue, don't really find it this bothering. They see this behavior as normal and find me "too sensitive".

Do any other INFJs notice anything similar? Is this aggressive vibe just more developed in a bigger cities? How do you deal with this?

Thanks!
It's not just you. I've noticed it too. Or how you can feel when the person's ego is getting in the way of them actually coming back to a more personable level to where you can actually talk to them like a regular person. It kind of creates an unnecessary tension, I think. Or when you can tell they're adding a lot of swearing to fill in the blanks because that's what their friends are doing. And I'm not even entirely opposed to swearing, I do it when I feel like it makes sense to. I just get irritated with the people who do it to hide their own insecurities because they feel swearing is what it takes to look confident.
 

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It seems to me that the average behavior, attitudes and responses of the majority of people I now meet is too aggressive in style. [...] It's like they're constantly on-guard, in a fight or flight mode (more fight than flight) and have this me-vs-you attitude. It's not often direct, or obvious but I can really feel the lack of friendly and compassionate vibes in their communication.
Sounds like me when I speak about my neighbours.
 

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I relate. I am often very sensitive to it and in return will act as if I'm on guard too. I don't like feeling like I have to do that.
 
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