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Hi guys, so this is crazy and I’ve never posted on a forum before but I always scroll through forums for advice and find so many of the answers helpful so I thought I’d give it a try.

THIS IS VERY LONG SO SUMMARY -----------------------------------------
I (female INTP) was seeing a male INFP for a year. It was three years ago but I literally cannot get over him. Do I try to reach out or will he definitely have moved on/not be interested in me?

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I was seeing this guy almost three years ago now for about a year. We’d been friends for three years before that after we met working at the same bar. He’d always liked me but I didn’t think a relationship between us would work well so we remained friends.

I actually got sick for two years and had to move home inter-state but when I recovered and was back in the city, I hit him up and we spent time together, one thing led to another and we started having casual sex. Even though it was casual, we’d said I love you to each other before, he invited me to his family events and weddings and I hung out with him and his friends every weekend. We also went on dinner dates pretty regularly and always went out in the mornings for breakfast/lunch.

My priority was always not to hurt him so after a few months I realised that he probably wanted a relationship and that I had to be open to that if we were going to continue. I decided that was fine by me. So we carry on and after like ten months he says something about wanting me to be his (he said ‘mine’) while drunk and out. He never bought it up again so I didn’t know if he was being serious or just drunk. In hindsight I should have bought it up with him but at the time I figured that if he meant it he would clarify.

Now a handful of times in that year I’d tried to bring up the nature of the relationship but he wasn’t open to talking about it at all and would shut me down whenever I tried. It was really hard for me to bring up in the first place so to continually get shut down hurt a lot. Eventually I got very miserable not knowing where I stood and I told him we need to sort it out for real.

He avoided me for four weeks and eventually came over and I thought we were going to have a breakthrough in communication but instead he dives in with how he doesn’t want to date me and how his work, family, friends and band had to come before me. He said he didn't have time. I’d never seen him be so harsh before it was like a bulldozer, he was so cold. So, I reacted emotionally and when he said he wanted to continue things as they were, I said I couldn’t do that and we split up.

Now it was a really stressful time for me (my parents were getting divorced, my company was sold and I had to do two people’s jobs plus office hunt before work, my housemate was pushing me out of my house, the INFP’s friend tried to kiss me without him knowing and a couple other things) and I regretted making such an instant decision. I asked if we could work it out and talk through things and he said he wanted to but then he started saying he was unavailable to actually meet up that weekend and then the next week and so I had to call it off because he was doing that same avoiding behaviour.

I thought my feelings for him would fade but three years later I still miss him so much. I can’t seem to move forward I feel super stuck in that time emotionally. Otherwise I’ve moved addresses a couple of times, live with amazing people now, been on lots of holidays and done heaps of creative work. I’m very happy in all areas of my life except romantic.

I know it doesn’t sound like it but I had such a connection with this guy, we were always super intimate and could talk for hours and hours without getting bored. I’ve always been drawn to him because of his passion and our shared interests. We cared about each other so much, he was the sweetest, kindest person most of the time. I’ve thought about him almost every day for three years and I feel so much love for him.

I had a lot of things to figure out in the past few years such as my relationship to femineity and what society expected of me, whether I ever want to get married and have kids and what I want my relationships to look like. After this long I know that I don’t need to be in a committed relationship and something like what we had would be ideal for me if we can just communicate better.

Do you think I’m crazy if I want to reach out to him? He’s dated in the meantime but only after seeing my profile on Tinder (my friends made me an account and I never used it, as I explained to him) and when I met his new girlfriend he was shielding her trying not to let me see and then pushing her away from us? It was super weird. He had girlfriends back in the day when we were just friends and he told me even then that he liked me more, so I don’t know how seriously to take this new relationship. When we had lunch a year and a half ago, he was very in-my-face with the relationship bragging but instinctually I don’t think they were a good match (I’m not being bias, if anything I think he should get back with his ex before me if he wants a real relationship because they worked together well and she’s still crazy about him). Near the end of lunch out of nowhere he started apologising for everything saying he had been selfish and a total jerk, he said that I had every right to be mad at him. I nearly burst into tears right then but regained my composure somehow. I explained what stages I’d been through after the break up but at the time he had this new girlfriend and I didn’t want to be disrespectful of that in any way so I didn’t push or suggest anything between us.

When we said goodbye we had this intense moment but right afterward I said I’d see him soon (was planning on just being friends at that stage) and he took this long look at me as if saying goodbye and he’d never see me again. Then he walked away quickly. I messaged him afterward to clarify that I wanted to be friends and if we could get dinner after work one day. He said yes, but that he wasn't free for two weeks and then I never heard from him again.

I know this sounds like he’s moved on and I should let it go but I am in LITERAL agony over this. I’ve tried for three years to let it go and I don’t know what else to try. Should I just hit him up? I’m terrified but I don’t see what else to do? Go on suffering alone when he might actually be missing me too or accept that he doesn’t miss me at all? He never tells me the truth so it’s not like I can ask him and get an honest answer.

I’m so bad at knowing what to do with my feelings and I don’t want to feel like this for another three years. I’ve heard that INFPs never go back to the same relationship because they don’t think its destiny? Is that true? INFPs how would you like me to approach you if it were you? As an INTP I want to be direct but I know he finds that attitude too harsh. I just want to be as respectful and kind as I can be, I don’t want to dredge things up if he’s over it or bombard him with what I want. Please any insight would be so appreciated. Thank you :heart: xxx
 

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vxnxs said:
Do you ever go back to an old romantic relationship?
Me personally, no. But then again, I'm the one that cut it off, sooooo~ I had clear reasons.

Just seems to me like you're missing closure since the last disappearance.

How long until you stop caring?
That's probably varied, depends on factors, blah blah. A couple of months will bring about indifference for me.

It was three years ago but I literally cannot get over him. Do I try to reach out or will he definitely have moved on/not be interested in me?
Contact him. Why not. At least for closure. I doubt this dude went radio silent for three years while wanting to rekindle things with you.

Go on suffering alone when he might actually be missing me too or accept that he doesn’t miss me at all? He never tells me the truth so it’s not like I can ask him and get an honest answer.
He doesn't tell you the truth? Wtf?
 

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Honestly, nope, nope and nope.

now that I’ve said that I feel the need to clarify a little..

I can only answer based on what I would do, that’s probably not so helpful as I’m female and older and hopefully a little wiser, but then again I’m a little broken.. once I decide something is done, then it’s D.O.N.E.. finito, ended, no going back, no passing go etc etc etc.. I have occasionally tried to pick up old friendships and I just cannot, the disappointment and lack of respect for the person just returns because they are still the same person with the same core traits doing the same thing...

you could reach out but be prepared for either a neutral reaction or no reaction or a get the heck away from me what the heck do you want anyway reaction..

im just when something is done i emotionally check out and there is no resurrection of feelings again.

good luck
 
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Move on. The population is massive. You're bound to find someone else. Use your energy to find someone who will love and respect you.
 

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Oh yes, I seem to idealise or long for old connections, convinced we are right for each other and have a special bond and strong connection and I can handle it differently this time, among other things...and then I get back with them and...

a) it will never be exactly as it once was at the 'good' times. No memory is repeated.

b) it will be exactly as it once was [could even be worse now. You remember how awful they can be and why you clashed in the first place, and it seems you can't handle it any better, because quite frankly, no one should have to deal with that.]

c) I usually end up realising it actually isn't meant to be. But sometimes it takes me a few rounds for reality to 'click' or for me to try and actually 'move on', I find 'letting go' difficult...

I admire the 'no going back' attitude from others. It's so hard sometimes...things sometimes feel 'unresolved.'
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Me personally, no. But then again, I'm the one that cut it off, sooooo~ I had clear reasons.

Just seems to me like you're missing closure since the last disappearance.



That's probably varied, depends on factors, blah blah. A couple of months will bring about indifference for me.



Contact him. Why not. At least for closure. I doubt this dude went radio silent for three years while wanting to rekindle things with you.



He doesn't tell you the truth? Wtf?
I think you're 100% right. And closure is the most annoying thing because it relies on the other person to show up so perhaps that's part of why I'm in this limbo.

Yes, I actually struggle to get truth out of most Fi types in my life! They always want to say something that makes you happy instead of the actual truth which may cause conflict. It ends up causing me a lot of anguish.
 

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Honestly, nope, nope and nope.

now that I’ve said that I feel the need to clarify a little..

I can only answer based on what I would do, that’s probably not so helpful as I’m female and older and hopefully a little wiser, but then again I’m a little broken.. once I decide something is done, then it’s D.O.N.E.. finito, ended, no going back, no passing go etc etc etc.. I have occasionally tried to pick up old friendships and I just cannot, the disappointment and lack of respect for the person just returns because they are still the same person with the same core traits doing the same thing...

you could reach out but be prepared for either a neutral reaction or no reaction or a get the heck away from me what the heck do you want anyway reaction..

im just when something is done i emotionally check out and there is no resurrection of feelings again.

good luck
Thank you for sharing your thoughts! I think that 'what-the-heck' reaction was something I was afraid of getting, and I've certainly given it out myself in the past. Of course, I can just be prepared for that and then it's no big deal. So thank you!
 

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Oh yes, I seem to idealise or long for old connections, convinced we are right for each other and have a special bond and strong connection and I can handle it differently this time, among other things...and then I get back with them and...

a) it will never be exactly as it once was at the 'good' times. No memory is repeated.

b) it will be exactly as it once was [could even be worse now. You remember how awful they can be and why you clashed in the first place, and it seems you can't handle it any better, because quite frankly, no one should have to deal with that.]

c) I usually end up realising it actually isn't meant to be. But sometimes it takes me a few rounds for reality to 'click' or for me to try and actually 'move on', I find 'letting go' difficult...

I admire the 'no going back' attitude from others. It's so hard sometimes...things sometimes feel 'unresolved.'
Thank you Cherry, it's nice to see someone else struggles with this as well. I can get so caught up in my head about it all. I think it may have to do with child Si?

On the one hand, I know you can't go back in time and repeat things without running into old issues yet, on the other hand, I do believe people grow and learn over time. I have this tendency to give people a billion chances to prove themselves which pays off when they finally get to where they need to be and I get to see them so much happier. I just don't know if it's wasted in this instance.

You mentioned wanting to know if 'it's meant to be' and I think this is something INFP concentrates on whereas I see relationships as more of a choice or agreement between people. It doesn't have to be destiny for me but perhaps it does for you?

I admire that as well, the no-going-back attitude but I used to be like that and I think that maybe over time you still have to deal with those unresolved feelings even if you refuse to look at them for a while. I wonder all the time if anyone ever really moves on completely or they just say they do or suppress it. A lot of people seem to say that once you love someone it's forever and I guess we all have to make up our own mind on how to deal with that.
 

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Thank you Cherry, it's nice to see someone else struggles with this as well. I can get so caught up in my head about it all. I think it may have to do with child Si?
I'm not sure what child Si is, sorry!

On the one hand, I know you can't go back in time and repeat things without running into old issues yet, on the other hand, I do believe people grow and learn over time. I have this tendency to give people a billion chances to prove themselves which pays off when they finally get to where they need to be and I get to see them so much happier. I just don't know if it's wasted in this instance.
I get what you're saying. I used to think that. It's funny because we have the opposite case where I'm learning to let go and not look back (which is really really hard for me), whereas you are questioning whether it's worth holding on. And I'm sure in some rare cases it actually works out that way. But the other party has to be actively willing to break old habits, and usually what happens when you re-unite is the old habits and patterns come back, even if you've grown. I mean, it's hard enough to stop an everyday habit like biting nails...then when it comes to a relationship dynamic? Well...it would take a lot of conscious restraint and awareness... It's literally only yesterday I was thinking about this and kind of changing my old thoughts on it, because I have gone back to two ex boyfriends (one was years ago and the other only about 2 weeks ago - which I'm still in the process of figuring out) now and I've learned and am learning different things from it... Sometimes I think lessons are learned and then we do better with our lessons in future, rather than with the person we learned the lesson from or with. Even though it would seem like that's where our new growth would apply...it just actually doesn't always work that way, because as I said, one or both of you reverts and then the old dynamic or a new crappy one can develop. Also that's nice that you want to see them happier, but you have to put your own life and happiness first too, sometimes. I am sure it works out well for some, but this is just my own experiences.


You mentioned wanting to know if 'it's meant to be' and I think this is something INFP concentrates on whereas I see relationships as more of a choice or agreement between people. It doesn't have to be destiny for me but perhaps it does for you?
When I say 'meant to be' I refer to a healthy or fitting compatibility in general - not just a fantasy idea of destiny, although I can tend to convince myself of that, too, at times.


I admire that as well, the no-going-back attitude but I used to be like that and I think that maybe over time you still have to deal with those unresolved feelings even if you refuse to look at them for a while. I wonder all the time if anyone ever really moves on completely or they just say they do or suppress it. A lot of people seem to say that once you love someone it's forever and I guess we all have to make up our own mind on how to deal with that.
I mean, people say a lot of [blanket statement] things [all the time]...

I believe for some relationships it's true, the love will live on in your heart, in whatever form it may be (even if it's no longer a romantic feeling). But not for all. It's one of those - applies to some people but not all, kinda things.
 

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Another thing I want to add -

Sometimes it's actually worth going back, if it's something you think about a lot.
Because it can help bring clarity, acceptance or a more definite closure, however which way it turns out.
 

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Yeah, I have a tendency to get really nostalgic about my past relationships. I really enjoyed them and I never wanted them to end. I regret all the stupid things I did and I want to make up for it somehow.

I also know that I need to accept reality and move on with my life. I have good days and bad days. Today I'm hurting a lot. Most days are pretty good tho tbh, and I can be grateful for the good times while enjoying my life.
 

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Over the years, up until your most recent encounter, they've had multiple opportunities to show that they prioritize you and the two of yours' relationship, whether it be as friends, or something more. Have they?

That should tell you all you need to know in order to make a decision of whether or not to hold on, or to let go.
 
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Move on. The population is massive. You're bound to find someone else.
This is objectively true, but it makes me a little sad to hear it for a few reasons:

1) I would never want to be just 'another fish in the sea' to someone (as I'm sure deep down you wouldn't, either). We all have unique qualities and sometimes there's an unexplainable bond or connection with a particular individual...

2) Doesn't thinking there's more out there - this kind of thinking in general, prevent people from having long-term relationships and making it work? This is one of the things that scares me about our generation...We know there are so many other options, that we see no reason to stay in something less than ideal. Which is fair, but also, a bit sad - since it will never always be ideal the entire time, and no one is perfect.

Use your energy to find someone who will love and respect you.
I agree with this.



-------------------------

OP the guy causes you anguish with his dishonesty, as it would me too...
Sometimes, it's worth questioning if this individual adds or subtracts to your own mental/emotional wellbeing? If you are actually kinda better off single, then there's probably no point getting back together. However, if you think a friendship would actually be feasible, I see no harm in trying.
 

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I have an ex I met 5+ years ago, whom I've never stopped thinking about, and we haven't talked in probably over a year now. I tried to contact him once within the last year and he never replied, so.

I don't think that I can really say it's him I miss. I think I just miss how powerful the connection was at certain times because it's more than I've felt with anyone else, but it doesn't change the fact that -- in your case -- "he lies all the time," for one thing. It's just the understanding that nothing I hated about him is going to just disappear because he agrees to go out again. There's a difference between being with someone as a band-aid for not formerly being able to get over them, vs. being with them because you genuinely love and miss one another. And I think feelings blur that distinction.

It would be different if they initiated the conversation and said they'd make a serious effort to change, as long as that isn't something that's hypothetically happened a bunch of times and nothing's been different. I don't believe in permanently cutting someone out of life unless they've done something unforgivable. But again, if they fucked up without fully acknowledging it before, THEY have to be the ones to initiate getting back together. Because otherwise they could just say something like "Sure, I'm game" and think you're just gonna pick up all their slack. Deep down they'll just assume you're asking them out again because you're prepared to deal with their shit all over again.

Overall if it were me, I would rather suffer whilst being apart until I somehow feel better, than go the easier less sensible route of getting back together (before they fix themselves up.)
 

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I do think some closure is needed. Instead of a casual sex relationship. How certain are you that if that happened you'd not want more again this time?

As far as telling you the truth or avoiding you, with INFPs, this is how I see it, they see two options. Tell truth that hurts feelings, or ghost, and ghost is chosen 10/10 lol. Mostly because hurting you're feelings might also Hurt their own feelings.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
Yeah, I have a tendency to get really nostalgic about my past relationships. I really enjoyed them and I never wanted them to end. I regret all the stupid things I did and I want to make up for it somehow.

I also know that I need to accept reality and move on with my life. I have good days and bad days. Today I'm hurting a lot. Most days are pretty good tho tbh, and I can be grateful for the good times while enjoying my life.

This is pretty much me. I tell myself I need to move on with life and most of the time life is great and I don't think about it but then I sit up late at night and the thoughts come back. If I get busy or distracted for a while all those thoughts build up and then it ends up with me going through a kind of emotional crisis like right now where I can't concentrate on anything else for days. Then I start to think am I just a pussy for not doing anything about something that makes me so miserable. So I decide to DO something but then I stop myself because if he's making progress without me, I don't want to derail that. It's a weird cycle I've got myself caught in here.
 

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Over the years, up until your most recent encounter, they've had multiple opportunities to show that they prioritize you and the two of yours' relationship, whether it be as friends, or something more. Have they?

That should tell you all you need to know in order to make a decision of whether or not to hold on, or to let go.
This is a great way to think about it and has given me food for thought. I find it hard to find a conclusive answer though.

He used to say I was more important to him than anyone in his entire life, which surprised me because I hadn't heard from him in two years after our first fight as friends. It certainly didn't feel like I was a priority toward the end of the relationship either and when I bought this up with him he insisted I was but that he needed more input from me to make times work to see each other. If anyone else treated me the same way, I'd think I didn't matter much to them but knowing that he's not naturally assertive and also super nervous around me all the time it makes me double guess everything. At the time when we were together, my ENFP friend was saying he was probably too scared of rejection to message me and I took that to heart because I thought she might understand him more than I did being a similar personality but it's possible she was wrong.

I guess it boils down to the fact that he would say I was a priority but wouldn't act like it which I took personally. I know he wasn't lying because he was always so happy to see me and he used to say all the time that I was his favourite person and his best friend. So do I put it down to just being a P thing where we find it hard to follow through or do I take it that I wasn't important enough?
 

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This is objectively true, but it makes me a little sad to hear it for a few reasons:

1) I would never want to be just 'another fish in the sea' to someone (as I'm sure deep down you wouldn't, either). We all have unique qualities and sometimes there's an unexplainable bond or connection with a particular individual...

2) Doesn't thinking there's more out there - this kind of thinking in general, prevent people from having long-term relationships and making it work? This is one of the things that scares me about our generation...We know there are so many other options, that we see no reason to stay in something less than ideal. Which is fair, but also, a bit sad - since it will never always be ideal the entire time, and no one is perfect.



I agree with this.



-------------------------

OP the guy causes you anguish with his dishonesty, as it would me too...
Sometimes, it's worth questioning if this individual adds or subtracts to your own mental/emotional wellbeing? If you are actually kinda better off single, then there's probably no point getting back together. However, if you think a friendship would actually be feasible, I see no harm in trying.
Thank you for your replies! This is helping me a lot actually to see it all fleshed out. I don't really have anyone I feel comfortable talking about this stuff with.

It is a really interesting thought about applying learning to the future instead of the person they came from, hopefully, I can start to think more like this.

I also agree with your take on the 'more fish in the sea' metaphor because I've used this in the past to leave people (friendships) thinking 'oh well there's plenty more people out there' then realised that none of those people is as interesting or special to me as the connection I had with the person I knew. It's hard to weigh up the value of someone you already know because new people are always going to seem temporarily more interesting because you don't know anything about them yet. When you've known someone through that initial period and continued to like interacting with them I think that's pretty special and not always easily replaced. Not specifically talking about my current situation but in general. Thinking it stops long-term relationships is another way to see it as well.

This is something I struggle with as well. I've ended three relationships in my life, the first was just a friend who was very toxic and after I said I didn't want to be friends with her anymore, I never thought about her again for years and years, never regretted it once even though we'd known each other throughout all our teenage years and been very close. She clearly bought more negativity to my life than positivity. The other two (romantic relationships), had so much positive feeling built-in with the negative. When I thought the negativity exceeded the positivity that's when I ended it but I'm wondering if that was naive and a little rash? Perhaps I should have cut them more slack because getting rid of the relationship never got rid of either the positive or negative feelings with the second two.

I would love a friendship or even a once a year catch up if that's all he wanted but I don't know how to clarify that line without knowing where he's at.
 

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I have an ex I met 5+ years ago, whom I've never stopped thinking about, and we haven't talked in probably over a year now. I tried to contact him once within the last year and he never replied, so.

I don't think that I can really say it's him I miss. I think I just miss how powerful the connection was at certain times because it's more than I've felt with anyone else, but it doesn't change the fact that -- in your case -- "he lies all the time," for one thing. It's just the understanding that nothing I hated about him is going to just disappear because he agrees to go out again. There's a difference between being with someone as a band-aid for not formerly being able to get over them, vs. being with them because you genuinely love and miss one another. And I think feelings blur that distinction.

It would be different if they initiated the conversation and said they'd make a serious effort to change, as long as that isn't something that's hypothetically happened a bunch of times and nothing's been different. I don't believe in permanently cutting someone out of life unless they've done something unforgivable. But again, if they fucked up without fully acknowledging it before, THEY have to be the ones to initiate getting back together. Because otherwise they could just say something like "Sure, I'm game" and think you're just gonna pick up all their slack. Deep down they'll just assume you're asking them out again because you're prepared to deal with their shit all over again.

Overall if it were me, I would rather suffer whilst being apart until I somehow feel better, than go the easier less sensible route of getting back together (before they fix themselves up.)
This is interesting! This is like a lot of the thoughts that were running through my head in the first year or two, that I didn't really miss him just the connection and if I went back to the situation nothing would have changed. It's what kept me from reaching out at the time. I thought the feelings and angst would disappear at some stage but now that they haven't I have to work out the next step somehow.

Also just to clarify, he didn't ever lie to me. I worded that badly. When I said 'he never tells me the truth' I meant that 'he never tells me the truth about his feelings.' I think he wasn't comfortable expressing how he felt because he didn't get the reaction he wanted from me. For me, emotions are these big, scary things that require a lot of effort to talk about. So when he'd casually bring up some feeling there would be this stage where I'd just 'freeze' and it looked like I didn't reciprocate when in fact I was just processing and trying to switch gears. Over time, he kept things to his chest more and more. I obviously hadn't found a way to make him feel comfortable, I was always sweet and nice about it but I needed those few buffer seconds to process what he was saying and it was always a little scary for me. I think he read into that too much that he shouldn't be talking about it when all I wanted was for us to talk about it. I also didn't feel comfortable expressing my feelings to him, which became one of the biggest issues for me, because he didn't seem receptive when I bought it up. I think it's a classic case of miscommunication and not understanding the other person's preferred approach.
 
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