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The question has been raised before about ENFJ's and libido (especially among women of this type). I think I see an underlying factor as to why being ENFJ might increase the likelihood of a high libido, etc. Some others on another thread have touched upon this as well, and even this site's name for us alludes to it-- we like to make others happy. I think in sexual intimacy, this is a big driving force for why intimacy with someone we care for is such a huge deal, because at least for me, I see it as the ultimate way to show someone I care, by giving them the most guarded part of me; not my body, which doctors, family, and friends have already seen and had physical contact with, but my trust and vulnerability. Although ENFJs can be very good at sharing our positive emotions at the world, I think it dissapoints our idealism to share deeper feelings, because they can be more complex, and be a mix of joy AND sadness, and in our society where media tends to make emotion so simple, it somehow feels wrong and defective to not have pure joy. Therefore, there is this reluctance to share that with someone else, for fear that they'll look at you as weird at the very least, if not ill in the head and heart. So if I am going to be sexually intimate with someone, then I'd better trust their not going to freak out when some perhaps unexpected behavior and emotion gets brought up with it. There is nothing better to than to be real with others. but this world isn't exactly the safest environment for it, especially when you have a minority worldview (personality-wise).

I do share the high desire for physical intimacy, and I've often wondered about it, since it seems to be higher than other women protrayed in that not to be trusted world of entertainment. Women are protrayed as disinterested in sex if they are respectable, or at least moody about it, and the only ones who are seen as enjoying it are "bad girls" or promiscuous. Rarely is a healthy, lasting relationship depicted where the girl wants it as badly as the boy. And this could be because women at the same time are ideally depicted to be the ones pursued, the reactors, the reserved. Being an ENFJ female is fun, but it can be hard when you don't have many desirable models to choose from. Not saying you need a model to emulate, but it does make some decisions easier (come one, lets be honest and say that it is easier to just do what someone who you respect and have a similar mind to would do than trying to forge a new road to a decision on your own, if not faster). Anyway, I've always had a little bit of shame and sometimes a desire for less (!) libido because it has been problematic for me at times. It could be becauase I am stilll young and not quite at home with myself completely. I still yearn for relationship ideals that had been placed before me, whether or not I had thought that these were what I truly wanted. While I pursue naturally, I want to be the pursue. My husband does pursue, but sometimes too subtly for my ability to percieve (for an intuitive personality, i can be quite dense sometimes!). I like to take a more meek role in intimacy, and be the pleaser; perhaps because of some things in my life, I like to feel as if I bear little responsibility for such basic (instinctive, carnal, etc.) activities. I have to admit, that the Madonna/whore complex runs strong in my head. I think most people except those VERY close to my husband and I dont actually even see this as a possible scenario.

On the other hand, my husband is an infp, and needs a lot of drawing out, and although it does bother me that even though we are married, I do not automatically get an "in" to his truest desires and thoughts (I still have to work for it lol), when I do coax him out to relax it brings me such great pleasure, like I've achieved something. So I like to put all the power in his hands, because this lets me learn more about him and what he likes or doesnt like, wants or doesnt wants, and also i know in this realm, in that state of mind, he can be completely free. My vulnerability, which I know he likes to see in far more situations between him and I that he probably ranks at the same or even higher level of intimacy than a physical one, is something I know he craves, and is hard for me to give except for then. So, it is also a gift, this trust, because although it would be unlikely, all of us have to admit that in the heat of passion, the same vulnerability that allows you to feel can also let you be hurt, even killed. It's amazing the level of trust you have to have. There is nothing there to protect you, except love and restraint (think of the common example of watching somene sleep and knowing you have the chance to harm them if you wanted to. but i can get a little morbid).

Anyways, I have also, while it wasn't sex, have been in situations in the further past with people where there was a higher level of physical intimacy being shared than, say, with your grandma. In those situations, I wasn't as connected to the person and so the moment wasn't as passionate. In some instances it was like being with a wall, and not because of the other person being unresponsive, just I didn't feel anything there in a heart way, so my body didn't enjoy it either. Physical pleasure of that kind for me is all in the head, and it absolutley drives me crazy (in a good way) when there's fantasy and bedroom talk. When my mind is engaged, I can be out of control to the point of scary lol. It also doesn't hurt that my husband's voice is hot ;)

When it comes to letting someone down easy when they are attracted to you, I'm not too good at it. If it's someone I know, I just kind of pretend I literally didn't hear them, or understand what they said. If its out somewhere and a total stranger and hubby's not next to me, I talk for a while, kind of hoping in my head I'll think of some clever way to let them know I'm not interested while preserving their diginity. Usually that doesnt happen, and it just ends up hubby makes his way back to me eventually, or I just say really awkwardly that I'm taken. The last time we were on a cruise we were at a dance club and I was sitting in the way back corner of the room watching my hubby salsa with a friend of ours and this guy managed to find me and sat down to chat me up. Because I'm a little dense, at first I was just like, okay, guy by himself on a cruise, probably just wants to talk, don't get big-headed and think its sexual. But then as we talked, he started playing with my hair. I thought this was highly amusing in my head, because the "hair" he was playing with actually synthetic extensions and I was wondering in my head, how long is it going tot ake him to realize the stuff he's touching isn't even real? lol It wasnt me being mean trying to string him along, I was just so fascinated by this, as this was the first and only time this has ever happened to me with a stranger. Plus, my husband is super non-jealous, so I thought, he'd find it funny as well. Well, once he was done dancing with our friend, they came over to me, and he sat down on my other side, and it was introductions all around ("And this is my husband, ___") Then I got up with him and danced and told him about the guy who we left our friend with. Our friend told me the guy thought it was messed up how it all went down, but he couldn't have been too upset because we were all really nice to him and kept him in our group, and my husband (INFP) talked to him a bunch, and he even gave us like half a bottle of Ciroc. So maybe he iunderstood, too, and perhaps eh was just looking for companionship of some kind, and thought he'd go the typical way with picking up a girl. Then, when it didn't happen, maybe he just thought oh well, these people are talking to me anyway after all that (I suppose most husbands would have reacted a tad differently), and ended up getting some companionship afterall.

Okay, well that was long-winded, but I'd like to know what others think of all this!
 

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I'm a demisexual male.... Meaning that I'm only sexually aroused when I'm in love with someone. This also means that my libido, though very high, can mainly only be accessed by someone whom I love emotionally.

I grew up believing that there is no such thing as premarital sex [I was raised in a religious family] but at the same time, I was not physically attracted to women either. My sexual needs started coming out however when I found myself in love and it was a pattern that emerged to which I was unaware. I thought that was normal.

I fell in love with a girl in 2004 and we got engaged and I remember my sexuality being at its peak during the engagement but of course we couldn't have sex so we found other ways ... However, what I didn't realize was just how important the emotional connection was to me. Towards the end of the engagement she and I had severe problems so when we finally married, my sexual needs were at an all time low. I just couldn't perform and she just couldn't get me aroused. We had fights over this and over time, I noticed that my libido was extremely closely linked to how I felt about her. We were married in a sexless marriage for 3 years ... and the weirdest thing I noticed was that I could have erections on days when she was on her period. Classic case of performance anxiety intertwined with demisexuality and our marriage was doomed from the start.

I did do what I could to keep her satisfied without receiving anything in return but over time it became a chore, an obligation that I didn't enjoy in the least bit. So in other words, it entirely depends on how I'm feeling about my SO .... I can be at extremes ..... inconsistent .... and unpredictable. My sexuality is a mystery even to me and I've realised that even though I love to give, I may not be able to at times even when I want to because of several limitations surrounding my physical capabilities which are completely intertwined with mental ones. It's a damning feeling. Hard to overcome.

I compensate by become more emotionally in-tune with my SO ... by becoming more giving in other areas. Making myself accessible and flexible in everything else.

When it comes to others [friends/family etc] when I think about it, my giving nature just makes me more vulnerable in the end. Whenever I've noticed that I haven't been able to give someone something, I've become increasingly passive [and somewhat fractured inside with the nagging question "What the f**k are you doing?" echoing at the same time]. Honestly speaking, I don't really like to give more of myself than I actually want to. But I end up doing so in order to sustain relationships. Compliance is not something that comes to me naturally, or willingly .. submissiveness is not something I like .. dependency is something I abhor ... but .. funny thing is, I find myself being submissive and dependent repeatedly. It's a cycle I find really hard to break ... I think I have deeper self-confidence issues than I perceived about myself. I think my confidence is merely a façade [a mask], a projection --- and I feel as though my inner core is much more fragile than I like to believe. I do love giving, I think --- but that aspect of my personality is merely another projection. Sometimes I just want to run away and hide from everything and everyone ... live the rest of my life as a hermit in some deep corner of the world where no one would be aware of my existence.
 

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When it comes to others [friends/family etc] when I think about it, my giving nature just makes me more vulnerable in the end. Whenever I've noticed that I haven't been able to give someone something, I've become increasingly passive [and somewhat fractured inside with the nagging question "What the f**k are you doing?" echoing at the same time]. Honestly speaking, I don't really like to give more of myself than I actually want to. But I end up doing so in order to sustain relationships. Compliance is not something that comes to me naturally, or willingly .. submissiveness is not something I like .. dependency is something I abhor ... but .. funny thing is, I find myself being submissive and dependent repeatedly. It's a cycle I find really hard to break ... I think I have deeper self-confidence issues than I perceived about myself. I think my confidence is merely a façade [a mask], a projection --- and I feel as though my inner core is much more fragile than I like to believe. I do love giving, I think --- but that aspect of my personality is merely another projection. Sometimes I just want to run away and hide from everything and everyone ... live the rest of my life as a hermit in some deep corner of the world where no one would be aware of my existence.
I absolutely agree with you on feeling indifferent when you know there isn't anything you can do to help someone. I actually get annoyed when someone I care about tells me of a problem they are having in which i clearly do not figure in to the solution. Sometimes I wonder if it's me being selfish, actually, not wanting to be bothered or dragged down by their negativity, but also, I have a real problem with people who only feel upset about their situation but do not try to change it. Also if there isn't anything to be done about a situation but let time pass. Perhaps because I know I will worry about it anyways, I feel like there isn't any point essentially harping on the situation, and I'd much rather focus on (or distract myself with) something positive and productive. idk. I do feel like with most people, I do not feel comfortable putting myself at their mercy, I've only ever felt this for those I've had romantic feelings for, which has made me quite vulnerable to the wrong people in the past, but for themost part, I get a lot of pleasure from being in that position in relation to them. I'm still not exactly sure why, although I did touch on some theories above, but in the end, I know it doesn't come from low sefl-esteem. I think if anything, it may spring from a heavy acknowledgment of the amount of power I do have as an individual in most of my life, and wanting to experience from a different perspective... I also think it can be healthy when with the right person, and can make you closer to that person. But you have to be careful who you give your power too. Some people simply wont appreciate it and use it to hurt you, and I think that's why I'm very selective with it.

I also agree with the whole desire to become a hermit, which is curious being the personality type we are. I think i get so tired of everyone always thinking I am one way, all the time, which is unrealistic, and sometimes I don't want to be noticed at all, that way no one expects me to do anything, which I would do if they knew I was available, whether I wanted to or not. That nagging sense of obligation can be really annoying sometimes. I envy my husband, infp, who seems to be able to deal with not always giving others what they want quite well. I can say no, but only if I've already made myself so busy that is impossible for me to do what you are asking me, otherwise, my personal feelings of do I want to are largely ignored when deciding to help, and, rather, it becomes more of an issue of is it physically possible? I need to check more with myself if certain obligations I make are also mentally/emotionally beneficial as well...
 
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