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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Last night I was talking with an INTJ ex-boyfriend and he said some cruel things that I never thought he was capable of saying. He has this ability to throw words like stones.

I'm not sure if he was trying to hurt me, but I was really shocked. I guess I was looking for a comforting word or two, but he did the exact opposite! It was as if I opened my arms for a hug and then he kicked me in the stomach.

Now I feel distressed / upset / sad / ETC over the incident, and I think I'm overreacting. Some of the smallest things with a cruel edge that he says to me has the ability to make me feel guilty / sad and spiral me into one of my "lows", even if he never intended to hurt me.

Does this happen to you guys as well? Do you get hurt easily if someone close to you says something offending or if they act like they don't care about you?
 

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Discussion Starter #3
maybe he doesn't want to be your ex, and doesn't know how to tell you adequately.
Nah, he has a new girlfriend now who is pretty, amazing, and is pretty amazing in general. :p She's and INTJ as well but she's a lot more gentle than he is. All the female INTJ's I know are really gentle. :D

I guess he was tired. He was up until 1AM doing homework, so I guess he'd be a little cranky... I need to stop overanalyzing things. Sigh.
 

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INTJs usually don't keep close connection with their ex's. I don't. It took me almost five years to change my mindset about my INTJ ex. He doesn't use harsh words but he takes action in cold and cruel manner. That is unacceptable as we do have a son together but INTJs are INTJs. Whether they mean to be harsh or not it will still be taken as such. It is part of our demeanor.

He answered your call so that shows that he does care to a certain extent. I do not answer any emails or phone calls if I don't care. The door slam tactic would be in place.

I remember calling my INTJ ex late at night once due to an emergency. He did not answer. The next day he wrote me on aim asking if I called. Then he went at it. I also felt that he was frustrated since he actually thought it was another ex girlfriend of his hence the process of elimination. It only took that one time for me to pull back. I have all the respect for him but not the love that I used to have.

In your case, he must have been cranky. Don't over analyze and catch him at a better time.
 

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If an INTJ feels you are somehow getting in the way of his progress, he will snap (verbally). For example, my husband may be focusing on a project, if i intervene somehow, he will snap at me. I know he doesn't mean anything by that, so i don't take it personally. This ex of yours may be thinking of his new girlfriend as his project, so his focus will be on her. Not that he wants to be mean with you, although maybe he feels like contact with you is interfering with his progress and new focus.

I know this doesn't make you feel any better, although try and see it from his perspective. INTJ i know don't focus on many things at a time like us ENFP. And when they do , they don't want to be bothered or interrupted with things that don't won't play a part in the bigger picture.

If this had happened with me in the beginning of our relationship, i would have felt hurt /offended too. Now that i know my husband better, i also know what makes him tick and how to deal with that. I don't take offence because i understand what is happening and why. Try not to let it get to you, he doesn't want to hurt you, yet doesn't see value in trying to maintain a connection/communication with you, so it makes him grumpy. INTJ are known for their brutal honesty, and that honesty can sting sometimes if you take it personal.

To answer the question, no, i don't get hurt easily, although when i do hurt, i hurt deeply.
 

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I totally agree with the snapping. I have been called out on this numerous times at work especially.
It is just part of me. The death stare as well.
 

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I totally agree with the snapping. I have been called out on this numerous times at work especially.
It is just part of me. The death stare as well.
It makes me laugh, i end up walking away laughing inside. I don't fear the death stare either, just something else for me to laugh about while walking away. I can usually make him laugh too, even thought he'd rather be grumpy ;) He's actually kind of cute when he's grumpy.
 

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As I grow older, I have pretty thick skin and can / and have taken rude and thoughtless crap from people around me. Whatever! I can laugh at myself- there's certainly a lot of material there. :) But if someone close to me purposely hits the jugular where they know it's sensitive, yeah- that hurts. Or is not there for me when I really want them/ need them, that hurts. In true ENFP style, I am not revengeful. If hurt too many times though, will cut the person out of my life.
 

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It makes me laugh, i end up walking away laughing inside. I don't fear the death stare either, just something else for me to laugh about while walking away. I can usually make him laugh too, even thought he'd rather be grumpy ;) He's actually kind of cute when he's grumpy.
Why of course! You know he love you. Since we love the person, we don't mind. We just laugh at ourselves inside as well.
 

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I will speak for myself in this case, because I don't know exactly what was said or how it was expressed. As far as I am concerned, I generally do everything I can to not say things I don't mean. For instance, I am the kind of person who would drop dead before they told someone they were close to "I hate you" of some other variety of harsh to-the-core criticism that I am capable of delivering. But I don't mean it, so I would rather cut out my tongue than say it.
What I do struggle with is my tone. I am not a person that is really skilled at saying things in an emotionally expressive way. It takes a good deal of focus for me to be tender and expressive with others and I can't just pull it out like other people can on the spot. What ends up happening is something like this: I am experiencing any range of emotions and preoccupations (sadness, annoyance, confusion, determination, anger, focus, frustration, distraction, even excitement and fun competitiveness) and I end up sounding like I am totally pissed off. People think I am pissed at them because of the tone I say things in (many times, without even realizing I am in a tone until a few statements in to what I am saying). I genuinely do not mean to hurt people. It just so happens that I am stealing some of the mental energy that I NEED to use to properly modulate my tone on some other thing happening in my head. I am getting better with age at quickly reallocating my mental economy to better reflect how I feel about that person, because I understand that this is how they will interpret my tone.
INTJs talk with their Te. Te operates in the absence of emotional sensitivity. Sit in a room with some NTJs and many NFs would describe the exchange as 'mean', 'harsh', 'angry', 'caustic', 'hateful', when in fact, it is NONE of those things to the people involved. We totally separate how we feel about people with how we feel about ideas or situations. That does not, by any means, give any of us a pass for hurting your feelings, but it does go toward understanding that a) We don't mean it that way b) You don't take it how we mean it c) If both parties are just more mindful of how the other communicates and thinks, we can give our friends/partners/family members the sort of understanding and messages that we want to give them as well as receive in return.
 

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I'm sorry if I ever hurt an ENFP.
you better be :crying::tongue:

I don't get hurt easily .....but when I do it is deep. I'm a very understanding and forgiving person; however, having said that, there have been a few instances in my life where I have completely cut somebody out who I was very close to. It takes a lot for me to reach a permanent state of 'apathy' ....but it is possible. This has only ever happened with people who have taken advantage of my understading nature, and then used this to try and manipulate me. I will always give somebody a second chance.....but sometimes, enough is enough.
 

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INTJs usually don't keep close connection with their ex's. I don't.
If an INTJ feels you are somehow getting in the way of his progress, he will snap (verbally)
Both of those are true in my case in general.

I would also echo comments by @Blocklos that sometimes INTJs may say things that come out sounding harsh but don't mean it that way.

Finally, I also share the ENFP view that I can get hurt quite deeply, but not easily. Maybe the only difference is that you probably wouldn't be able to tell I was feeling that way in my case.
 

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I used to get hurt easily but after having two NT roommates I grew thicker skin. I feel this is important and I actually think that you can get something good out of this. I know it hurts but this will help you to be able to be stronger and to be more stern. Many NTs don't even realize that they said something hurtful. Some are even surprised that someone can feel hurt by what is or was said! There are worse things out there so I think a little irritation could be good for you. Irritation is what causes sand to become pearls :)
 

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I wouldn't say I get hurt easily, but I am easily bothered or rubbed the wrong way by cruel things people say. I usually end up playing it all over and over again in my mind, and frankly, obsessing over stupid things I shouldn't care about. Wait. Yeah.

I lied.

I get hurt easily.
 

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I don't get hurt easily .....but when I do it is deep. I'm a very understanding and forgiving person; however, having said that, there have been a few instances in my life where I have completely cut somebody out who I was very close to. It takes a lot for me to reach a permanent state of 'apathy' ....but it is possible. This has only ever happened with people who have taken advantage of my understading nature, and then used this to try and manipulate me. I will always give somebody a second chance.....but sometimes, enough is enough.
+1 :)

I have a small handful of people that I have, as I call it, "nothing'ed". They were always really close people, and the reason it had to be done is because time and time again they would take advantage of my perceived weakness's and it cut to the core.

That being said with most people I find that while they can hurt my feelings/ego for a really short period of time my desire to understand other people always kicks in and I try to see things from their side. Without fail I end up no longer being upset/hurt after doing so, as much as I wish it didnt work that way sometimes lol.

Sometimes a step back from everything to see things from the outside in is immensely helpful to making certain the end result of the entire situation is a positive one. Ive had many a time where I saw hidden meaning or hurtfulness in something that was just inartfully stated and entirely unintentional on the other persons part.
 

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That being said with most people I find that while they can hurt my feelings/ego for a really short period of time my desire to understand other people always kicks in and I try to see things from their side. Without fail I end up no longer being upset/hurt after doing so, as much as I wish it didnt work that way sometimes lol.

Sometimes a step back from everything to see things from the outside in is immensely helpful to making certain the end result of the entire situation is a positive one. Ive had many a time where I saw hidden meaning or hurtfulness in something that was just inartfully stated and entirely unintentional on the other persons part.
QFT :)

The ability to step out and observe the situation from multiple perspectives....something that is not easily articulated very well, but you did a fine job, kind sir!

It can be, at times; both a blessing and a curse. Still, I wouldn't exchange that insight for the world ;)
 

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I used to get hurt easily but after having two NT roommates I grew thicker skin. I feel this is important and I actually think that you can get something good out of this. I know it hurts but this will help you to be able to be stronger and to be more stern. Many NTs don't even realize that they said something hurtful. Some are even surprised that someone can feel hurt by what is or was said! There are worse things out there so I think a little irritation could be good for you. Irritation is what causes sand to become pearls :)
i think it's good to grow thick skin, but it's important to do it in the point of view of understand others but not let yourself fall to their standard.

i recently had a case at work where one of the older members of staff (incompetent, insecure, but with a well meaning heart- which is the main thing that counts in my eyes) tried to put me down for neglecting the tiniest things (being new it's perfectly natural to take a while to learn the little things), one day we were swamped and i was getting irritable and snapped a little- "excuse me name, could you please not talk to me like a child. i'm not a child, and you are my coworker, you are supposed to be helping me not trying to pressure me". i knew full well she was just insecure but i was tired and irritable. afterward she completely cooled and bent over backward to create a nice impression which was good of her (she's one of those people where you think "why can't you just be yourself? you'd be such an amazing person if you just did").

the other day i was talking to my mother, she was talking about the fact i'd said that and how they'd talked about it and how it was OK and she did the same thing to young staff herself because it was just the way some of the staff did it. i absolutely exploded. i'm not angry at the member of staff or anyone else because i understand you encounter it in life and i can ignore it just fine, but i was furious to hear my mother thinking it was ok (someone with whom i actually care what is believed). to my mind, while it is a part of life to encounter people like that, and it's important to just understand it's a part of life and bear with it, thinking my mother (we have a strange relationship- she isn't the most mature or capable lady of 45 ever seen) thought it was "ok" to treat another human being like that made me lose it. it doesn't matter if someone is TWELVE, i told her, you treat them with a certain amount of respect as a fellow human being and try to avoid patronizing, especially as concerns my situation with my colleague where it would be possible to argue it won't be too long before i learn to do the job better than she can.

that's important, in my mind. when others don't treat you how you'd like, ignore it and accept it as part of life, but NEVER accept it as an "ok behaviour" just because you see others do it. set your own standards and treat others to that standard, never follow others'. usually in life you'll be rewarded for being strong.
 

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I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit here. If this is a person you really care about, and he said mean things to you... why wouldn't you be hurt? I think being "hurt easily" means that you get upset by anything remotely mean that anyone might say to you. But if you have a lot of stock in the situation, and you really value the opinion this boy has of you, I think being hurt is completely reasonable.

A similar thing happened to me once. I was involved with this INTJ guy who I wasn't "officially" dating but was very, very emotionally invested in, even though he treated me like crap half the time. One day he just out of the blue told me that my personality was unbearable. I obviously got really upset and after a couple of weeks of silence he got mad at me for not inviting him to a get-together and when I called him to yell at him and tell him he had no right to be angry, he ended up telling me that the only reason he was ever interested in me was because, quote, I have a vagina and I'm not fat. End quote. So needless to say I was extremely hurt because I felt like he had really opened up to me and then all of a sudden it all came crashing down and it was like I was nothing to him. I don't think that was me being hurt easily, though, because I cared about him. Ok wowz that was a ramble sorry.
 
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