Personality Cafe banner

1 - 7 of 7 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,741 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I've noticed a pattern with myself and it's really frustrating:

When someone hits on me, my first reaction generally is, that I'm not interested. Because I'm always scared that the first impression can be very wrong and I hate confrontation later, so I tend to avoid it. So even when I get offers, I turn them down. However, it has happend to me before, that as soon as the guy either respects my NO and backs off completely, or is sulking and avoiding me, I figure out, that my rejection was premature and I am actually interested, I just needed some time alone and not under pressure to consider it, yet the opportunity is gone and it's really tough to create a new one.

This has kept me from a lot of adventures and options I may have had. Right now I am super duper vexed about one such. I keep looking for an opening to fix that, but now there hasn't been one for a while. I could not catch the guy alone now for a week...

Is this just me, or do many of you need for the other person to express interest frankly, so as not to be misinterpreted, but then to back off and give you some space? Or do you just go for it from the first moment?
 
  • Like
Reactions: TheJ

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,279 Posts
If I see any potential I do not reject immediately, but I keep certain distance. Basically slow things down in friendly manner to clear the water which is often seen as not interested anyway.
 

·
Registered
ENFP 3w2
Joined
·
322 Posts
Holy shit- I never thought about this. I'm curious on other women's perspectives. I think you're perfectly right to need time to think, given such a sudden invasion of space.

As for that guy you have your eye on, if a guy's hit on you already then you're more than welcome to flirt with him anytime. You could just talk to him for a bit and ask him for coffee or lunch later. Or you could get his facebook/number if you want to speak to him more privately. 100% sure he'll give you what you want, unless he found a girlfriend within that week.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,676 Posts
When someone hits on me, my first reaction generally is, that I'm not interested. Because I'm always scared that the first impression can be very wrong and I hate confrontation later, so I tend to avoid it. So even when I get offers, I turn them down.
Could you explain this a bit more? I'm not sure what you mean by first impressions and hating confrontation, and how that is connected to not being interested if someone hits on you.

I personally am much more comfortable hitting on than being hit on, for whatever reason. I think it's me feeling like they probably idealize me or have me up on a pedestal, and that they don't really know me to like me so much. It's weird though, I don't think this is too common. That said, it's always the best thing ever when it's mutual and there's no chasing/being chased.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,741 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
Holy shit- I never thought about this. I'm curious on other women's perspectives. I think you're perfectly right to need time to think, given such a sudden invasion of space.

As for that guy you have your eye on, if a guy's hit on you already then you're more than welcome to flirt with him anytime. You could just talk to him for a bit and ask him for coffee or lunch later. Or you could get his facebook/number if you want to speak to him more privately. 100% sure he'll give you what you want, unless he found a girlfriend within that week.
Thanks, you told me what I wanted to hear:happy: I just tend to be coy, though otherwise I'm pretty straightforward. And I don't like getting into situations, from which it is uncomfortable to back out of. I'm pretty naive about people still, so if I'm not careful it always happens to me. That's why I generally stall on first attempt. But some guys tend to sulk, even though I'm always nice... or try to be.

Could you explain this a bit more? I'm not sure what you mean by first impressions and hating confrontation, and how that is connected to not being interested if someone hits on you.

I personally am much more comfortable hitting on than being hit on, for whatever reason. I think it's me feeling like they probably idealize me or have me up on a pedestal, and that they don't really know me to like me so much. It's weird though, I don't think this is too common. That said, it's always the best thing ever when it's mutual and there's no chasing/being chased.
Sure, @kaleidoscope. I am generally nice to people and many interpret it as something that it is not, or tend to use it against me, because I'm rather naive when it comes to people and motives. I just can't tell. And since I know this about myself, I try to avoid situations, where there would be any 'misunderstanding', because I'm chronically bad at dealing with them. I hate and avoid confrontation and hate to see people either disappointed, or act like I lead them on, when it was never my intention in the first place. However, that comes down even to potential crushes, when someone comes on me too strong, I tend to get cold feet, and scared of my disappointment, their disappointment and I come across as suddenly cold. Which puts me in a situation, where the guy decides to respect my wishes, which I guess is nice, but ehm, I can be quite confusing, just because I get scared. Or they sulk. I don't have a problem, if the person expressed interest first to make the next first move, but often it happens, that there is no other opportunity. So basically, because I am scared of committing to something I may want to back out of if I change my mind, I lose a lot of opportunities.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
710 Posts
How are these men asking you out?

When have to give them a resounding 'NO!' in order get them to back off I can't help but wonder that they're not subtle enough. I have obtained most of my phone numbers through casual conversation by finding common ground, feeling the other person out and then saying something like 'we should hang out some time, what's your phone number?'. If I can't find common ground or if I fail to feel some sort of connection with the other person out then I won't go for a phone number to begin with.

You make it sound like the men that approach you do it differently. How do they let you know that they're interested in you?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,619 Posts
@Dora

Yes, often it is an unexpected surprise and I need to time to think about it. I've tried to learn not to automatically respond with cold feet in such situations. Particularly if a woman comes on strong to seduce me, if I am surprised by her actions and I don't know her very well.
 
1 - 7 of 7 Posts
Top