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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Just recently I have had the experience of some people (older people) suddenly tapping me or touching my arm or shoulder while talking to me. It is quite annoying. To expand, it is somehow jarring or disturbing to me and not at all pleasant. But, in classic INFP style, I don't say anything because I don't want to offend them or ruin the tone of things or start a confrontation.

Why do people do this? Like...why? I never touch anyone while talking to them or think about doing it. I don't understand why some people just feel the need to do this while talking to me. It's like they just see me and some unconscious part of their brain thinks "Yes, I should touch his arm, that is a good idea." Anyway, does anybody share my peeve?

And... if there is anyone who this doesn't happen to... tell me how you do it, please. I want to learn.
 

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I used to get slightly bothered by it too. But I think it's just an Se thing, where they want to make sure that they have the other party's attention. And touching is a really effective way of ensuring that.

All of my previous relationships were with Se users, and after a while I actually find it to be cute. 😃

I find that after a while, when they've known you better, they'll intuitively know that you're paying attention, so they won't feel the need to touch you excessively. Maybe they'll just do it a bit on situations where it is natural to do so.
 
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I can't stand it. First, there's germs. Where those hands been, son? Git your stinking paws off me.

Then it's like they are saying "Don't move, pay attention to me, you are being held captive till I'm finished."

I've had different types touch me but mostly bosses, when they were talking to me. In second place, relatives.

If you are reading these words and you are a "TOUCHER", seriously, cut it out.

And then, when they want to hug and kiss on the cheek -- I want to curl up in a ball. Like a little stink bug.

Must be a cultural thing. Boundaries people, boundaries! You're in my bubble!
 

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That's the stuff of nighmares. I have a huge need to keep my personal space, well...spacious. I actually start taking steps back when people get too close, and then it gets really weird, it's like a dance when they start taking steps closer in turn. I tolerate it better with people I know, because I can anticipate it, but with strangers you can never know.

But I think it's just an Se thing, where they want to make sure that they have the other party's attention. And touching is a really effective way of ensuring that.
Yeah, I've always figured it was their way of keeping connected. And for some people it's like a nervous tick, I've noticed, like picking stray hairs or lint off the other person's coat or something like that.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 · (Edited)
I used to get slightly bothered by it too. But I think it's just an Se thing, where they want to make sure that they have the other party's attention. And touching is a really effective way of ensuring that.

All of my previous relationships were with Se users, and after a while I actually find it to be cute. 😃

I find that after a while, when they've known you better, they'll intuitively know that you're paying attention, so they won't feel the need to touch you excessively. Maybe they'll just do it a bit on situations where it is natural to do so.
Two of them that I was thinking of were indeed Se users (XNTJ's) but one of them is my mum, so unfortunately the latter theory did not work out for me. But I think you are correct about them wanting you to pay attention and that's the reason why they do it. With relatives in general it's a bit... yeeesh. Like a duty that you have to tolerate. There are also old people who shake your hand absurdly hard, so I reacted by developing a very firm handshake (which I think at least two of said old people have commented on with "That's a nice strong handshake you've got there!") It is all a bit silly and unnecessary though.

I've had different types touch me but mostly bosses, when they were talking to me. In second place, relatives.
Yeesh, bosses...
 

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Oh, another thought. Maybe it's their way of reassuring people that they're safe to be around. Like I'm showing you my hands, they're empty, there's no threat so you should feel at ease talking with me. It's probably subconscious. I bet they'd be mortified if they knew how much it bothered some people.
 

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If someone in my closest family did it I would mind but from everyone else I hate it! That's unnatural and it scares me. For example when they grab my hand and fold their own hand in it as we walk somewhere or they touch my knee or sholder in a conversation. What was that for? It feels creepy. It makes wonder if they are coming on to me or trying to trick me into buying their product...🤔 same feeling as when strangers call me by my name, as if they know me so well...
 

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I can tolerate it, people don't usually have ill will and usually are just trying to show they are friendly or care about your well-being.

I've told the people that I might expect this sort of behaviour from that I don't particularly enjoy being touched but that sometimes it is more welcome (depending on our rapport), and most are always very mindful of it (asking or trying to gauge my reaction). That said, there are some people who do not seem to "get" the idea of personal boundaries or use it as a "power move" and that's when it might get downright revolting.
 

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It depends, on where it is, who it is, and maybe my mood at the moment. I don't mind it from people who I feel intimately close to, but when it's a casual acquaintance it can be really jarring and weird. I specifically dislike it when it's someone I don't know very well and their intentions seem fishy, it feels like a huge invasion of personal space.

However, I do touch people I like in conversation, so close friends and whatnot. It is a way to stay connected to them in conversation and show affection, but obviously, if someone expresses their discomfort with being touched, I wouldn't keep doing it and I'd be mindful of it.
There's also a cultural factor that could come into play... I know people are more physically affectionate in my home country than they are in some more "developed" countries around the world like the US.

That said, there are some people who do not seem to "get" the idea of personal boundaries or use it as a "power move" and that's when it might get downright revolting.
Fully agree with this.
 

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Yeah... Depends for me.
I'm generally not a toucher. I generally won’t touch unless you touch first.... But....
  • If you're a male/female that I don't like or respect, it feels like you just wiped dog crap on me and I want to rip your arms out.
  • If you’re an older man or woman that I respect and like, it feels comforting like family.
  • If you're a beautiful woman, I wouldn't mind either. 😉
  • If you’re young, I’ll feel super awkward, and fear that people might get the wrong idea. Will try to step away from you.
  • Probably wouldn’t mind if it’s from a major celebrity.
 

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While I was studying architecture I've had a professor who couldn't keep himself from touching students while reviewing their model builds.. I found it creepy but couldn't keep myself from laughing. It's like trying to drive a point through a simple touch, as if it's going to convince the other person.
-"I disagree"
-"Why?" Touches arm
-"Alright, I'm convinced now."
 

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While I was studying architecture I've had a professor who couldn't keep himself from touching students while reviewing their model builds.. I found it creepy but couldn't keep myself from laughing. It's like trying to drive a point through a simple touch, as if it's going to convince the other person.
-"I disagree"
-"Why?" Touches arm
-"Alright, I'm convinced now."
It's like they read an outdated book on social subconscious manipulation... “MAGNETISM - By Bill Cosby - 10 powerful techniques and secrets on how to make people covertly agree and have a magnetic personality.”
 

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It's like they read an outdated book on social subconscious manipulation... “MAGNETISM - By Bill Cosby - 10 powerful techniques and secrets on how to make people covertly agree and have a magnetic personality.”
Somehow the image of an ESTJ comes to mind "I could do this thing to gain influence over them, no one will notice my sly moves!" "Mastermind!" "Easy peasy" "What the hell, why are they reacting in such a way? So weird, everybody else just accepts it. Oh well, all that matters is that it usually works, this one's just a freak of nature." Continues touching people
This is what happens when Fi and Ni are ones worst functions.
 

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I'm a Se user, and I don't touch people when I'm talking to them. I'm too aware of how my physical presence can affect people to do that. Some people are scared by my presence even.
 
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Somehow the image of an ESTJ comes to mind "I could do this thing to gain influence over them, no one will notice my sly moves!" "Mastermind!" "Easy peasy" "What the hell, why are they reacting in such a way? So weird, everybody else just accepts it. Oh well, all that matters is that it usually works, this one's just a freak of nature." Continues touching people
This is what happens when Fi and Ni are ones worst functions.
Why Fi?
 

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Somehow the image of an ESTJ comes to mind "I could do this thing to gain influence over them, no one will notice my sly moves!" "Mastermind!" "Easy peasy" "What the hell, why are they reacting in such a way? So weird, everybody else just accepts it. Oh well, all that matters is that it usually works, this one's just a freak of nature." Continues touching people
This is what happens when Fi and Ni are ones worst functions.
 

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Tbh the only people I'd wanna be touched in any way by are women whom I have an emotional and sexual attraction to.
 

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I also feel violated when people "playfully" hit me. Unless you wanna end up being hit back harder than you care to be hit, I suggest you knock that shit off.
 
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