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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Just out of curiosity... how many of you have friends where u both share a deep connection and can be your whole self around? Or are most of them Shallow friendships, as in you cant be 100% yourself around them and the freindship just feels flat? Or is it that u only have acquaintances and haven't yet found a true friend?
 

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By my very definition of "friendship", shallow is not a descriptor in the definition, therefore I can't say I have shallow friendships.

By this definition you provided:
u both share a deep connection and can be your whole self around
I have 1 friend currently, and we haven't known each other for long in the scheme of things. I mean 10 months isn't much, but it's enough I guess.

I don't find people I connect or relate to, or people with whom I can be myself. In my history, when people first get to know me they think I'm amazing, they can't get enough of me. As our thing progresses and I talk more about my spirituality and other various woo woo thoughts and opinions, they either run for the hills or try to fight who I am in an attempt to change me.
 

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Yeah, definitions are important here, especially when it comes to what constitutes a "true friend".

Deep connections for me are merely invested time and trust bonding. I don't have a problem connecting with people, but I can be pretty upfront/blunt about it in a way people aren't prepared for especially if I've spent the previous interactions suppressing my opinions.

All of my closest friends except maybe 2 or 3 are aware of how I really am, and don't really seem bothered by our disagreements or outlooks. That's important for establishing trust/respect. I can gauge a friendship based on how much of an asshole I can be without fear of any conflict or disgust/surprise. There are quite a few friendships like that, although I change my stances on topics so quickly upon learning new information that it can be difficult if we don't regularly communicate.

All of the shallow friendships are just friendships that haven't reached the 5-10+ year marker. I don't know how there's any other way to establish a deep bond. IF there is a way, please inform thanks. :laughing:

Or is it that u only have acquaintances and haven't yet found a true friend?
Perhaps this is an issue of semantics (probably is), but I don't believe in "finding" true friends. Nobody is a friend upon meeting. They're built. Just like romantic relationships. Just because you aren't having sex or what have you doesn't mean the process of bonding is any different. Need to spend time together, suffer together, fight each other, grow together, all that shit. People are always deepening across their sets of competence, learning/growing, and dealing with demons. We become more idiosyncratic with the passage of time, meaning we become MORE INCOMPATIBLE as we age. That's also part of the reason why the best friendships are developed over time. Those differences and paths don't matter so much as the trust/respect that has accumulated.

...That's all assuming no terrible crap happens and you two part ways.

Anyway yeah, I have a few good friendships. They all piss me off in some way or another too. :tongue:
 

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I don’t really consider people friends unless we have a deep bond. By my definition I have 3. I do have a whole bunch of varying levels of acquaintances that I’ll casually refer to as friends for lack of better words. “Here is someone I work with and chat with regularly and I know the names and ages of all her kids, and I’ve been to her house but she’s not someone I would ask to watch the cat while I’m away” hardly rolls off the tongue.
 

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That's a pretty great question. I do long to have that kind of deep connection with someone but I don't really have any friendships where I do, my best friend is even more reserved than me and my other main friends aren't really into that sort of thing. And I tend to be really anxiously reserved so I don't know how many people I'd be able to open up to like that anyway. The closest thing I've ever had to it have all been online friends, and I've fallen out of contact with all of them one way or another. But when it's all over a computer screen I'd imagine it'll never be quite the same has having an actual person like that you can meet up with and talk to face-to-face.

My last job did have a person I think I could have had that kind of relationship with, she was one of those people that had a way of really drilling through your emotional barriers and bringing all your pent up feels out of you and talking to you on a really deep emotional level without you feeling weird about it. Though I guess outings with her did usually involve us all being drunk. Getting to spend time with her like that always felt awesome though. But she was fired from that job and we all lost contact with her, but she also later turned out to be something of a manipulative sociopath... so maybe it's for the best that I never got the chance to divulge too much to her, eh? But I would love to have an IRL friend I could have that kind of relationship with someday.
 
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By my very definition of "friendship", shallow is not a descriptor in the definition, therefore I can't say I have shallow friendships.

By this definition you provided:


I have 1 friend currently, and we haven't known each other for long in the scheme of things. I mean 10 months isn't much, but it's enough I guess.

I don't find people I connect or relate to, or people with whom I can be myself. In my history, when people first get to know me they think I'm amazing, they can't get enough of me. As our thing progresses and I talk more about my spirituality and other various woo woo thoughts and opinions, they either run for the hills or try to fight who I am in an attempt to change me.
I've watched your posts for a number of years and I chuckled out loud reading this. I admire your self awareness which you often articulate very well in so many posts. The forum has benefitted from your originality and straightforward writing.
 

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Throughout my life, my friendships have been of the deepest sort; and, perhaps surprisingly, they have come effortlessly on both sides. If the two of you are a good fit, then what's to stop probing the depths and strengthening the bonds on both sides? If the two of you aren't a good fit, then--as friends--they aren't worth the expenditure of time one needs to make for an honest friendship.

LOL, spouses usually hate me because they see that I'm closer to their husbands or wives than they could ever be.
 

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Just out of curiosity... how many of you have friends where u both share a deep connection and can be your whole self around? Or are most of them Shallow friendships, as in you cant be 100% yourself around them and the freindship just feels flat? Or is it that u only have acquaintances and haven't yet found a true friend?
I have a few people that I share amazing connections with. The rest are acquaintances that I can spend an afternoon with and not feel like plugging up my ears.
 

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Just out of curiosity... how many of you have friends where u both share a deep connection and can be your whole self around? Or are most of them Shallow friendships, as in you cant be 100% yourself around them and the freindship just feels flat?
Of all the friends I have the deepest connections with and I'm sure I can be 100% myself, there is only 1 at the moment.

Just yesterday, I was walking with him and we talked about spirituality, inner nature, perception, the two seperate consciousness of humans and why you should really dig deep inside of yourself so as to change your perception of the world and reality. Someone who can talk like that about those things, I can immediately be more open and 100% honest with because there is no judging; just listening and observation.





Sent from my ONEPLUS A6003 using Tapatalk
 

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Just out of curiosity... how many of you have friends where u both share a deep connection and can be your whole self around? Or are most of them Shallow friendships, as in you cant be 100% yourself around them and the freindship just feels flat? Or is it that u only have acquaintances and haven't yet found a true friend?
Well, I wouldn't use "can be your whole self around" as a determinant of whether it's a meaningful or shallow relationship. I have friends I've known for years, we've been through shared experiences, I've seen their kids grow up, we've supported each other in difficult situations. I wouldn't characterize those relationships as shallow at all, although I might only bring a certain part of my personality to the relationship, depending on what seems appropriate for it. I don't make certain jokes around religious friends, for example. But the shared experience and the time spent together add their own depth, which I'd compare to blood and earth, while I'd compare the "can be your whole self around" idea to maybe air, or to aether.

So to answer your question in that context, I have some of the type of friendship I just described, but zero friends I would just be myself around without a filter.
 

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Just out of curiosity... how many of you have friends where u both share a deep connection and can be your whole self around? Or are most of them Shallow friendships, as in you cant be 100% yourself around them and the freindship just feels flat? Or is it that u only have acquaintances and haven't yet found a true friend?
Wait, was this question meant specifically for INFPs? :facepalm: Oops!
 

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Wait, was this question meant specifically for INFPs? :facepalm: Oops!
No stress! This is my first thread so I was just testing out the waters:tongue: so your comments are more than welcome.... always cool to get other personality types views on things:proud:
 

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The friendships that stick around are the real ones. I feel a slight uneasiness when somebody isn't 100% real with me and I can spot when somebody holds something from or against me very easily. So no, I don't have many friends, but at least I have ones that are real with me at all times. Most people like to keep it rather shallow and impersonal where I currently live.
@Pippi don't know why your avatar made me laugh so hard..
 

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This is a good question. I do not think I am 100% with anyone in this world yet, part of it is that I am not sure what I am or what I want to be yet.
 

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Mostly shallow except for one person:

 
My bff is my husband. Since 1992, July 14. He gets everything, my whole me and probably some crap, that he didn't wish he had to deal with. So I'm going to say deep, deep deep, China deep, w/him, like you start digging and end up in China, you go so deep. That is one person, that is "DEEP". We have a story to tell..... life and death stuff, that we have been through together, doesn't get any deeper than that.

Friends - I like them, I meet with them occasionally, I don't tell them everything, I don't share much at all, they talk mostly, if they need to talk, well, okay but dammit... don't make it too long. So, on the Shallow Scale, I guess they are a 5 out of ten. They are ALWAYS reaching out to me... I never reach out to them.

Now...................... I am going to say this for the millionth time on this forum, I don't mind saying for the millionth time, I just feel sad for the people that have to read my repeated posts (ignore function is great) ------>>>> I have limited energy.

I always am conserving my time, attention to other humans, how much stress I can handle and am I getting thinned out and scattered. I am not a multi-tasker. I love concentration on one person at a time. I am waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay waaaaaaaay too busy playing with myself. I can entertain myself for years at a time. I have projects, you know. And when I get bored with my playtime, which surprisingly does not tax me, I'll play with my bff husband.

So yes, my friends are shallow relationships for the most part. They are far from priorities, in my life. This is my preference, and of course, in no way does this reflect on any other INFPs preference. Nous sommes tous différents (we are all different, n'est pas?).
 

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I dont' know if deep vs shallow is that useful as a way of differentiating types of friendships/acquaintances....maybe it would be more meaningful to look at it in the way you conceptualize in the other part of your question, as something like, "what percentage of yourself do you feel you can be with most of your friends/acquaintances...and in how many is it closer to 100%?"

I think it's quite rare to find people we can be close to 90 to 100% of ourselves with. Particularly the more complex and paradoxical is our personality, and the more oriented we are to unpopular truth and/or to personal growth.

I have only one friend with whom I can be close to 100% of myself. With others, though, that doesn't mean I'm not able to connect in any "deep" way with them, just because there might be significant parts of myself that I can't share with them.
For instance, I have a friend who I've known for over 30 years, and we share what I might call an "earth-based, ironic, spiritual asethetic" which allows us both to see things in the world -- generally parts of the natural world -- with a fresh and innocent perspective, one that contains an ironic sense of humor too -- and full of joy --- that can make common things full of wonder and magnificence. This connects us at a relatively "deep" level, particularly as each of us has never known personally anyone else who was capable of this kind of beholding of things. We also share a sense of adventure and a similar humor about human foibles.

However, this is about all we share! This friend has a startling degree of uninterest in news, culture and current events, trends in politics, and he certainly lacks a thoughtful response to contemporary issues of our nation and beyond. And whereas I am engaged in numerous creative projects which are dependent upon various forms of modern technology -- such as photography, videography, website design, blogging -- he is a throwback to the early 19th century in that his primary form of communication has always been written letter. He finds the rotary phone an obnoxious modern invention, and has never learned to use a computer. Talking to him about anything I actually do during the day, most any day, might be like talking to a villager in remote Siberia who spends his days hunting berries and mushrooms. (Even though my friend has always lived in urban locations, never rural ones). There are pleasant smiles, but it's all just beyond him. He can't understand and doesn't really want to understand.

With another friend, I enjoy her creative intuitive capacity and ability to understand others. However, she's a somewhat unhealthy Enneatype 9, and has a startling inability to know her own feelings or views on things. To the extreme that she almost never talks about her own experience. She describes herself as a "listener", and so she takes in what others say, but when asked for her opinion on the matter, she rarely has one. It's too challenging to have her own view on things, -- she will almost always say "I dont' know." So the friendship, though supportive and often fun when we can share joy over intuitive insights, is seriously limited by her inability to have her own thoughts and feelings. Also, she often mistakes feeling for fact, and the rare opinions she does tend to voice, can be strikingly illogical and tend toward bizarre conspiracy theory thinking. At such times, I find it amazing that I could be friends with such a person, but I believe that by skilfully navigating around points of great incompatibility (eg by changing the subject quickly when needed) we can focus on those things that bring joy and light to both of us.

And with others likewise-- there may be one or two points of connection, and then no other compatibility.
 

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Also...a related observation....people would be able to share more, I think, if more people were interested in holistic development, meaning, growth, integration, and development of their inferior functions. By failing to develop inferior functions, people are the inner equivalent of someone with only one arm, or one leg, or with two arms and legs but no head or heart. The world would look strange indeed if there were an outer visible manifestation of lack of psychological development.
 

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All my friendships are shallow, more or less, and I hate it. I once had a meaningful one, and I fell in love with that person... But we eventually distanced. I really would like to have that kind of relationship with someone.
 
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