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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
It's been almost 10 years since I broke up with my ex-boyfriend. Well, he proposed and I broke up with him. It was long-distance. So, I saw his gesture as a desperate attempt to solve a difficult situation. My friends were concerned that I was bottling things up. But I felt fine. I was about to start a new job, and I had no time to deal with those feelings. After all, it was a difficult choice, but the right one. At least that's what I kept telling myself.

Since then, we'd remained in contact. And I was, of course, fine with the arrangement.

Until recently, that is.

I got a little too drunk over a week ago. At first, I found my scattered thoughts entertaining. Then, someone put on some sappy love song on the stereo (Air Supply, I believe), and BOOM! I'd never cried in front of people before, but I couldn't stop myself even if my life depended on it.

My best friend told me that I needed to sort out those feelings or they'd never go away. But I don't know how to, as those feelings are back to where they belong, covered in a mountain of logic.

Anyways, my question is: is it common among us INTPs to have trouble moving on after a big relationship failed? Due to our inferior Fe, I'll imagine so. But I could well be one of those people who are very immature in dealing with anything emotional... :frustrating:
 

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It is hard for me darksoul. It is so difficult to find someone I really love. I don't like many people, let alone love them. It happens about once every 5-10 years; so 4 times so far. I remember crying a few years ago and not being able to figure out why I was doing it. I guess it was over a girl, or maybe I was feeling sorry for myself. It could have been the sun in my eyes; I never did truly figure out the reason and I remember thinking 'WTF is this and why?' It was difficult to process.

The only way I can move on is to just avoid them all together. I would rather stay semi-anonymous in PerC than argue again, and I don't use facebook for this reason. That is kinda immature in a way I guess. I have been told things like 'move to this state with if you love me' and 'I don't really love my husband call me.' Those are complex issues that I don't don't deal with well; they go against my logic. I still think about them often, but I tell myself that understanding is a two-way street. I am an open book for anyone that cares to ask.

I don't like the social stigma that is put on being single, and that stigma does not help the situation. Where I live atm and with my family, being single at my age is just something you don't do. I hear crap from my family like 'he always did do his own thing.' They put me on the outside more often than I put myself there. My mom tells me how not having grandchildren makes her sad. That makes me sad for her. Contrary to popular opinion, I am a person with feelings. Once again I am not supported in my decisions, and I have grown used to this from my friends and family. I am very tired of all people using inferior Fe against me, and I usually react defensively.
 

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My mom tells me how not having grandchildren makes her sad. That makes me sad for her. Contrary to popular opinion, I am a person with feelings. Once again I am not supported in my decisions, and I have grown used to this from my friends and family. I am very tired of all people using inferior Fe against me, and I usually react defensively.
My family had the same opinion of me for many years, but I stood up and said that I am way too free-spirited and willful to live my life for anyone but myself. They have to accept me just how I am. Its selfish of them to expect you to be anything other than who you are. I absolutely will -not- stand for the emotional blackmailing anymore and they know it. I don't think its selfish to be this way. I think its selfish for them to expect these things from you.

Anyway, op - I am the sort of person who doesn't want many people in my life, but I actually -need- a few. God it hurts to admit that. Typically there will only be one person who plays a central role. When I lose that person, I lose the person I bear my mind, heart, and soul to. I form powerful, intense connections to people who I let fill this role, leaving myself completely vulnerable for them to rip out the parts of my inner-workings that have merged with theirs. Adding insult to injury, it seems that many of them (including the most recent one) never took it that seriously. Its like there was a mental, emotional, and spiritual condom on the whole time. They often tell me that they were unwilling to fully invest because they were scared that I would find someone better and leave them eventually anyway.. that they were just along for the ride until I did.. that they decided to beat me to the punch and not risk being hurt. (I have been guilty of this myself, honestly) *sigh*

Well, here is how I handle it. And yes, it absolutely devastates me, but I have a method that seems to work. Firstly, I need to know -why- it ended. None of the vague, wishy-washy, cowardice, but a truthful answer. This will allow me to pick up all the pieces, and put them into a box, label it, and put it away. If I -know- what it is, then theres no reason to keep reopening it in my mind, going back over and over to try to make sense of it all.. it all merges into one powerful truth. This truth is now written in my psyche, and I mute all of the chatter. The chatter no longer matters. There is no reason to check his facebook profile anymore for answers, or send him a drunken IM pleading that he explain anything. Its all explained. (Now what sucks is when they learn what I do here, and try to complicate it and work their way back in, instilling doubt. Fuckers.)

Now that I have put it all away, and have stopped picking through the pieces, it begins to fade. Some visualization also helps. I had one absolute nightmare of a time getting over someone once because he planted these little bombs in the foundation and structure of our relationship the whole time, that he detonated once I wanted to call it quits. I will not go into detail because it hurts too much to recall it. But he did terrible things the entire time, just to feel like he had some footing, some control. After I left, he would try to come back and say he had lied about it. Then later he would say that he had not lied about it. This dragged out for months until I was so mentally unstable that I collapsed on my bathroom floor having blacked out from a panic attack. He completely removed my own footing on reality at this point. It took more effort to box this one, because there was no way of knowing what was real and what was a lie. I determined he was all a lie, I never knew him, and he had been faking his entire personality the whole time (which actually ended up being quite true).

The way I got past this was through lots of visualization. I found a fantasy map. It was one of those with lots of hills, lakes, rivers, islands.. very lovely, very vast.. After I disposed of anything that reminded me of him (including lotions that I'd had around that time) I started to envision that everything that happened between us took place on a particular part of that map. I poured all of the nastiness into it. I then imagined myself leaving it all behind in the middle of the night. There was nothing left to say. I packed my things and I boarded a ship, then I traveled across some land.. I boarded another ship. The journey I visualized, in detail, and I ended up far, far away, alone, in a nice cottage, with a lovely garden, in a place that he could never find me - a place he would never know of. He couldn't hurt me anymore.

I did not give in and contact him first. If you do, its like hitting a reset button, which I realized with a previous ex. Then you have to start the process of getting over them all over again. A voice, a smell.. all of these things trigger that brain chemistry that was causing an addiction to them in your mind. Only removing yourself and not looking back will assure that you don't relapse.

When you are a highly complex person, you are looking for something rather specialized. It is hard to find someone who fits the bill, really. It sucks, but what are you gonna do other than stay true to yourself and wait until someone worth it comes along. It sucks when it fails because gods.. starting over is such a bitch. I -hate- dating. Hate it so much. I don't like getting to know new people in a romantic context. Its more gross than a job interview, asking for approval from another person, of who you even -are-. I have a sort of check list. I make sure I fit their important preferences, and if I do not - case closed. No questions. I can eliminate a potential new date in under a minute this way with a few questions.

If I end up not getting married and such, I am not going to consider it a failure. I would damn myself always for settling for someone who isn't what I want - or even worse; settling for being settled for. Its a revolting idea. Part of their fate becomes ours, when we are connected. I will be careful about who I hitch that wagon to. So far as not taking it so seriously, and just screwing about - that became boring years ago. Unfulfilling and pointless. I think that once you have had a real, meaningful connection in your life, it changes what you look for. It also makes you miss what you had, after you have finally known it.. and it is unsettling to think you might never find it again. Can't take less than what I want, though.
 

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I was in love once, I think it's been 8 years.
It only lasted 3 weeks - it was doomed from the start.

I remember the last time we spoke. I wanted to say something, I opened my mouth but nothing came out. So I turned around and walked out the door. Then I moved on the other side of the planet.

I've had other girlfriends since then.
Yet there are times, certain smells, a summer night's breeze, or sounds that make me realize I never let go.

I guess I was a very impressionable young man. Maybe I idealized her person.
But once in a while I somehow stumble on one of her articles or blogs, and I still recognize her mind.
When I read them, I can almost hear her voice.
I think it was the only time I actually felt alive.


She probably doesn't even remember me.
 

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I think INTP's seem destined to find their one true love, realize too late how much they meant, then create amazing theories and/or art as a byproduct of our agony and endless hope to focus on something else, anything else........

We recess into a Ti-Si loop for the rest of our lives and live unsatisfied and logical, both upset that we are so distraught over something so illogical, and so desperately hungry to find it again, but in the end we know we never will. Because the chances of it happening in the first place was so astronomically low we don't know whether to laugh or cry. We convert from a 5w4 or a 9w1 or whatever into a 4w5, secretly desiring a personal connection to our beloved.

I just made myself depressed, lol......*sob*

I am very happy for you INTP's who've found the one and kept them.
 

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Darksoul, you're not the only one. It's been 5 fuckin' years, I've had a new crush and a steady relationship in between and I still have this one guy at the back of my head. I think I've moved on to a considerable degree. I usually don't think about him (not anymore. at least not that often). Whenever I see him, I act cool and steady and relaxed. If he came to me and told me he wanted to be with me, I'd definitely reject him. But whenever I see him (and for certain reasons we have to meet from time to time), there is something in me that is still resentful and longing. Every fuckin' time. The problem seems to be that he just unleashed those incredibly strong emotions in me that I did not even know I was having. It was a strange time when I was in love with him. I felt as if I were subjugated to him - every piece of me would have been his if he only wanted it. I felt as if he was a better version of me - a smarter, cooler, superior me. It was so intense (and it also happened to me during my formative years of sorts) that I do think he left some sort of imprint on my mind.

Btw, Promethea, you can adopt me if you want :mellow:. Your post is frickin perfect.
 

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Darksoul, you're not the only one. It's been 5 fuckin' years, I've had a new crush and a steady relationship in between and I still have this one guy at the back of my head. I think I've moved on to a considerable degree. I usually don't think about him (not anymore. at least not that often). Whenever I see him, I act cool and steady and relaxed. If he came to me and told me he wanted to be with me, I'd definitely reject him. But whenever I see him (and for certain reasons we have to meet from time to time), there is something in me that is still resentful and longing. Every fuckin' time. The problem seems to be that he just unleashed those incredibly strong emotions in me that I did not even know I was having. It was a strange time when I was in love with him. I felt as if I were subjugated to him - every piece of me would have been his if he only wanted it. I felt as if he was a better version of me - a smarter, cooler, superior me. It was so intense (and it also happened to me during my formative years of sorts) that I do think he left some sort of imprint on my mind.
I hear ya...I'm an INFP, but I entirely relate to this. There has only been one guy that got through to me and made me love him. I use the experience as hope that I have the ability to love, but I often wonder if it will ever happen again. I want to tell him he ruined me, but he wouldn't know what to say and probably feel bad. We actually never dated, which is the ironic part of it all...I've dated other guys and never felt for them what I did for this guy. And he'll talk to me sometimes on facebook like nothing happened, like it was just a friendship for him...but for me, it was a taste of what I can only hope will exist for me again.
 

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I've been incredibly blessed - I married the one that I truly fell in love with, I'd had lots of crushes of course, but I got over them fairly quickly.

I could be completely way out here, but I've been thinking about this recently. The question is, whether you not only love a particular person, but they get completely and utterly under your skin, regardless that the MBTI/Enneagram, whatever, states that you are completely incompatible.

DS - I believe your lost love is ISFP, and you only recently found this out? On the ISFP forum I believe, someone wrote a very intelligent and persuasive argument that the two types are utterly incompatible. Yet this ISFP got under your skin, as one got under mine. All his faults, that can really get up an INTP's nose, become unimportant in our quest to get, not necessarily what we want, but something we need.

It could be co-incidence, but I may do some research on the subject; not from studies of psychology, but in real life...it could be interesting.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thanks for making me realise I'm not the only one. It also makes me feel incredibly sad to know it affects so many of us INTPs, and an INFP. I'd like to say more but I'm trying to sort out my confusion right now as I dreamed of my ex again last night. Ugh!

I believe your lost love is ISFP, and you only recently found this out? On the ISFP forum I believe, someone wrote a very intelligent and persuasive argument that the two types are utterly incompatible. Yet this ISFP got under your skin, as one got under mine. All his faults, that can really get up an INTP's nose, become unimportant in our quest to get, not necessarily what we want, but something we need.
Yeah I actually made a thread on this forum a couple of weeks ago, more out of curiosity as to why I always thought him the most compatible. I did entertain the possibility of us getting back together but more for my own amusement. (Or was it?) Now I just want to get rid of all the emotional ties and get on with my life, because he's all that I've been thinking about in the last month or so. It's annoying and unnecessary! :crazy:
 

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Honestly? No. But, I haven't been in love with any of the guys I've been with, so my opinion may be skewed.

At first it's rough, yeah, but if there was a good reason for the break-up, I don't have much trouble moving on. I can be bitter about some things, though.
 
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Honestly? No. But, I haven't been in love with any of the guys I've been with, so my opinion may be skewed.

At first it's rough, yeah, but if there was a good reason for the break-up, I don't have much trouble moving on. I can be bitter about some things, though.

Same.. I think many of the (few) people I've dated have liked me more than I liked them. Not a bad thing, though; I don't want to feel dependent on someone.
 
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