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Discussion Starter #1
I personally hide my feelings, problems, insecurities, and well.. anything else I want to. I hear that's common for us ENFJs. We tend to make other people feel comfortable and look out for their feelings even if it means hiding all of ours.

SO my questions are: Do you also find yourself annoyed that you hide too well? Ever annoyed that someone can't see through the disguise after "knowing" you for so long. I mean really, are we that good that some people will never figure it out?

*personal examples: I had some friends I had known for about 3 years, they we're close to me and really liked me, but I was never close to them (they did way to many disrespectful things to me and others for me to like them) - but somehow they couldn't see that. My nice guy complex knows no bounds. By the end I was so mad at them my face would twitch with anger when they would do certain things, but still they would tell me "I can't even imagine you angry"... I've never been so angry at people in my life, and they didn't catch onto it. It's just too easy for me to hide it. One day I just left them and never talked to them again beside once a year later. It just sucks that I'm so good at hiding my feelings, that I don't "have" to deal with issues.

It's the same with being sad. ( - 5 man points for posting this) but somendays I would be so sad I was on the verge of tears for hours especially after my brother died and no one would notice even with me constantly talking to them, but ever time my face would turn away from them for a second I would almost cry. Lol even my brother told me "you don't feel sadness do you?", because no one has seen me express it.


BAH, for being an ENFJ and an Fe, I would think I would be one of the most expressive people with my feelings, and when I'm by myself I really am, but when anyone else enters the picture, I respect their feelings so much more than my own I'll shift myself so much it's ridiculous.

It just seems to easy for me to hide my anger, fear, and sadness so people see me as being a very strong composed person, but it comes at the cost of not feeling okay and open with showing my weakness. Ever envy people who just show their emotions and are okay with it, not always crafting them to fit other people?

anyone relate? Anyone wish people could see past the fake masks and help you despite you wanting them to think your too strong to feel sad/angry etc etc?

And to the topic, ever resent people a little for not seeing through it?
 

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Honestly...the ENFJs I have known have always been an open book to me. It's like when something happens to them, it's written all over their face, in their body language, their tone of voice, etc. They're so perpetually happy that when they're in a bad mood, it's pretty hard to go unnoticed. Maybe I'm more perceptive than others. I don't really know. All I know is that I've always been able to read them.

However, there have been a few occasions when ENFJs surprised me. Sometimes something will be going on with them, and I will have no idea unless they confide in me about it.

I'm not saying that ENFJs can't hide their emotions at all, but when they do, they are quite good at it.
 

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There are days when I feel bitter and cynical and narcissistic. Those are the days when I am angry at my friends for not being as openly perceptive as I like to think I am. I curse them, inwardly, resenting them because they are so blind to my feelings, even though I try so hard to know their's. I will feel hateful, and then reprimand myself for being so cruel.
I agree with you. I just wish that they could understand, and I wish that they would see.
 

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you remind me so much of my ENFJ friend sometimes. I think he tends to reveal his emotions "after the fact". Sometimes it really is after he's done feeling like that, or he'll sometimes put it in the past tense to make everyone believe that he doesn't feel that way anymore.
In the present moment he's really good at hiding his feelings, but I don't think he resents people for not being able to read him. The vibe I get from him is that he doesn't really want people to know how he truly feels on some occasions until he's ready to reveal it to them, then he pretty much gives full disclosure. I think it takes a great deal of time to process his emotions, so if he feels a great deal of rage, or irritation or depression, he does a great deal to hide it while he's processing things til he feels comfortable saying: "Hey I was in a rotten mood yesterday! But I didn't want to bring everyone else down so that was why I was quiet!"
One time I teased him for the smilies he puts on his signature when he emails people. I said "I could see you as the kind of person who if you had the worst day ever, you'd probably go to your friends with a big huge smile and be like 'I had the worst day!'" and he answered: "I hope I could be like that."
I think he's way more sensitive too than he lets on to others, too. He tends to need a lot of positive feedback on things that he put a lot of effort into or wanted to do really well on, but he'll never tell people that. Like I'll tell him "You did really well on such and such and such!" and after that he might say, "well I wasn't sure because I did this but didn't do that, etc." I can tell he worries a lot about stuff, especially little things he thinks he might have done wrong, and does need a lot of emotional validation sometimes, but doesn't want people to let on that he does. Stuff like that.
 

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When I was around 20-25, I built my life based on my inherent pull to be a mentor, "friend" and convinced myself that I had friends.

In actuality, I don't even know how to feel about other people anymore. I'm just confused about this whole "socialization" thing. I don't know what someone else is thinking about me, or what they want from me ... I don't know what I need to do in order to make a deep connection with someone. The ones I want to connect with are too far from me now --- and that has been how it's been.

I've moved around between 2 continents [Canada and Pakistan] all of my life --- so that's meant that I've never had friendships that have lasted more than a few years. But this has also meant that I have several deep connections that have just kinda dragged on with my life because of being in touch with people. I don't lose touch with anyone ---- but I don't have anyone when I need them either.

And in all honesty, I don't know if I care about that or not - and I don't know how it makes me feel anymore. Sometimes, I don't even know what I'm feeling, how I'm feeling - because I've been living day to day for past 17 years. I keep moving, and if someone is there, I love them while they're there --- and continue to love them after I've moved on, or they've moved on. People leave their imprints on me - and then that's it. It's over.

I think I might have had something like 10-15 "best friends" in my life in just 31 years ... But I've never had a friend that I've spent time with for more than 3 years maximum. I need deep emotional and relatively constant contact. I mean ... in terms of get-togethers, meet-ups, phone conversations, chats. But when I've moved around so much .. it means that all of my 10-15 friends are spread all over the globe --- but none of them are close enough to me to be able to talk to, or see. And then of course, there have been bitter fights, door-slams etc.

Or that there's been enough distance [both time and space] that has separated us now that things can never go back to how they were at one point.

Around 28 or 29, I lost all my friends for a short while. I was too caught up in my knee injury, surgeries, getting jobs, trying to keep peace with my wife.

I have very, very, very few expectations of people ... in fact none, actually. I became a complete and utter social recluse around that time.

Now after the divorce, other than this forum and a very, very few people here, I don't have anyone that I consider a "friend". But surprisingly, my old "Friends" keep dropping in with messages every now and then --- but I just don't that for those friends anymore. I don't care if they do. I don't care if they don't.

I don't know what to feel, or think about others ... one day they're there and everything's great .. and the next they're gone .. and I have no idea whether I'll ever see them, or get back in touch with them again.

God I hate talking about "friendship". It's confusing and depressing as hell. So many mixed feelings, regrets, loss, yet - hope, continuation of contact ... sometimes I'll feel neutral about someone, sometimes, I'll feel deeply connected to them, and then I'll start feeling negatively about them ... just a huge mix of different emotions - all of which are ultimately tied to loss and rejection .. and to avoid rejection, I pre-empt it sometimes ... I dunno .. I'm a flake .. and others don't seem to care --- or when they do, just pass on cryptic miss you messages to me but don't really try to connect .. and when I try to connect, it's either too late, or there's some sort of bitter wall that I hit ...

I was the one not constant in anyone's life --- and then it just seems to spiral downward every other connection I make. I don't know - like I said .. it's confusing and really depressing to think about all my social connections and where they really stand -- or if they even do or not.
 

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Normally, I don't care what others think of me. I have a lot of different sets of friends so of course I can't just keep telling everyone my life. I do tend to hide a lot of things that people think of me as a very intimidating person at first; one that's so prim and proper, the perfect student, blablabla. But I'm not any of those. I don't think I'm at all so great as they think I am and when we become friends, that impression of me being such a perfect student sticks with them and even when I'm faltering, they're the ones to say that it's not me that's the problem and go to lengths in blaming the professor. Flattered, yes; lonely, most likely.

A lot of people don't really know who I am, though I am very open to sharing my experiences. It doesn't help my intimidating aura shuns people away and I can't be bothered by making friends by myself since I already have ample of 'friends'. Sometimes, I need to force myself to be happy because I don't want to put people off. There are times that this is all it takes to get my bad mood off, but sometimes it makes everything worse. It's pretty lonely, really. Though, I don't blame others or smite them for their ignorance. It's not the fault of other people I feel this way. I think I kind of put it on myself since I barely even talk about it. And I really hate people finding my vulnerabilities... it makes me feel bad and ashamed of myself towards them. I don't resent them, I just need to detach and do something make up for the lack of I've shown them. Even if I do have friends I trust, most of them aren't at all here with me when I need them. It's also exactly why I rant on the internet.

Don't care what other people think of me, post whatever online. XD

If you must know, my extended groups are usually the friends of my friends and thus I spend time for them because I firmly believe in friends of friends being my friends as well. Since I love my friends and this person is loved by my friend, they can't be a bad person. That's how I think. And I'm a very forgiving person, but my intimidating aura sets this off; I spend for people a LOT, but they never abuse me because they see me in a different aspect, not the "kind and giving" person.

There are days that I actually see this really bitchy side of me when I just nitpick everything everyone says. My friends, for almost 2 years, just recently noticed this. I find it hilarious cause I do it often when I'm with them and they didn't see that side of me until I stated so. What is dense? LOL.

There are also times that I don't even bother defending myself because I'm so exhausted talking. And though a lot of people think I never do stop talking, there are times that I'm just sick and tired of it. People don't know that because I always get the final say in things and because I'm such a happy person when I'm interacting with people directly (intimidating aura shows when I don't talk to them, but when I do, their perception with me changes quite significantly because I seem happy). Sometimes, I would even go to lengths in telling myself that my silence will make them realize what the problem is and more often than not, it doesn't help at all.

Yes, I do seem to expect people to know what I want and be sensitive about me, but if they're ignorant about it, I just would generally not care since I don't really bother about what most people think of me. I don't get mad at them if they are dense, but I would be more happy if I can find a person I can confide in and share the vulnerabilities I have without wanting to prove myself to them in the end.
 

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I actually don't, because that would be incredibly unfair, and we live in a world where if you want something you are expected to speak up. I don't expect other people to be mind readers, and I know that's unreasonable. I actually regret hiding my feelings about certain situations from some of my closer friends because I have problems coming back to those feelings, and the mounds of unspoken hurts and resentments eventually add up and create a communication barrier between me and those individuals.

I'm trying to be much more honest about my feelings about specific conflict situations, but my very personal feelings pertaining to myself are still fairly hidden. Sometimes I do wish someone I liked would relentlessly pry into my life. :]
 

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Discussion Starter #8
Such great replies. It's 2 am and I'm like falling off my couch I'm so sleepy, so I'll have to reply another time soon. but thanks a bunch - i'm getting some really great insight from this and can totally relate. Thanks
 

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I never hide my feelings. A lot of the time I can be really selfish and talk mostly about my emotions or thoughts. If someone tells me something, I tell them I can relate and then then I tell a personal story on how and why I can relate to them. It's a lot of ME ME ME ME all of the time. Only my closest friends are aware of this, as people in general tend to see me as a compassionate person who helps them deal with their problems.

I don't think I listen half as much as I ought to do.
 
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God I hate talking about "friendship". It's confusing and depressing as hell. So many mixed feelings, regrets, loss, yet - hope, continuation of contact ... sometimes I'll feel neutral about someone, sometimes, I'll feel deeply connected to them, and then I'll start feeling negatively about them ... just a huge mix of different emotions - all of which are ultimately tied to loss and rejection .. and to avoid rejection, I pre-empt it sometimes ... I dunno .. I'm a flake .. and others don't seem to care --- or when they do, just pass on cryptic miss you messages to me but don't really try to connect .. and when I try to connect, it's either too late, or there's some sort of bitter wall that I hit ...

I was the one not constant in anyone's life --- and then it just seems to spiral downward every other connection I make. I don't know - like I said .. it's confusing and really depressing to think about all my social connections and where they really stand -- or if they even do or not.
I've never read a such a true to heart post in my life. Just reading this I feel like you would understand me better than anyone I know. Having relationships slip between my fingers day after day is a hard subject to face. One that hurts even to think about. When I feel connected to someone, I almost instantly feel hurt because of the distance they keep between us. Negative feelings start building up, and eventually I have so much confusion and hurt feelings that I disconnect all together. I honestly don't know how to keep a real relationship alive. It's like you were writing down my future in this post, and now I'm taking a good hard look at myself to see how I can improve, so thank you so much for sharing.
 

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ENFJ's can be VERY good at hiding their feelings. Sometimes they want to open up but can't. Sometimes it is because they are afraid of others judging them for feeling a certain way. They sometimes bottle it up. Even when they appear to be an open book there is often a lot more inside them that they hide.
 

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It's so natural for me to be a "clique hopper" meaning I am part of so many different groups that don't really mix. I think this is because I don't really reveal all of myself to anyone group. Yes, people may think that I am a pretty easy to read person who is naturally happy all the time. But I do keep some things pretty close to my chest and yes, I do wish people would pry it out of me sometimes.....
 

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I never hide my feelings. A lot of the time I can be really selfish and talk mostly about my emotions or thoughts. If someone tells me something, I tell them I can relate and then then I tell a personal story on how and why I can relate to them. It's a lot of ME ME ME ME all of the time. Only my closest friends are aware of this, as people in general tend to see me as a compassionate person who helps them deal with their problems.

I don't think I listen half as much as I ought to do.
I'm like that. I don't like it.
 

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I Feel like @Einstein understands how I feel. And so does @dulcinea and I want someone to be as observant as you are:) It'd mean the world to me if someone noticed I was upset some days. And I know I can be an open book some days. And my problems can be written on my chest and than there is other days where all I want is someone to ask me for once what's wrong and they don't. It pisses me off. And sometimes I even feel resentful. My thing is I'm not one way all the time. I can be super open and everyone can know what's wrong, but there's others times I try to hide it. And than no one notices even when It's obvious there's something wrong. I want people to know me so well they know when I'm mad and I'm covering it up. I wish people could read my mind sometimes.
 

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I have two ENFJ's in my life and I've always been able to see beneath their surface charm to the loneliness underneath. But I think that's because I'm an INFJ and, on the inside, we're basically the same. The phrase, "Still waters run deep," always comes to mind when I think of my ENFJ friends. I think it's fitting for INFJ's, too, but it's misleading with ENFJ's because they don't appear to be "still." Life seems like a party, they seem always happy, they talk a lot, they tell the funny stories...I tend to think of this as a mask. Sometimes I think it IS a diverting tactic that they use. And most people don't look beneath that to the person inside. And I've noticed almost a cynicism with my ENFJ's as if, "Ha! You have NO idea of what I'm really thinking..." I've also noticed that someone can make a comment to an ENFJ that actually hurts them, such as joking about their weight, single status, etc., and the ENFJ will actually be hurt by it but will put on the happy face and laugh about it with the person because, of course, that is what is expected of them. But inside they're hurt by it.
 

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I have two ENFJ's in my life and I've always been able to see beneath their surface charm to the loneliness underneath. But I think that's because I'm an INFJ and, on the inside, we're basically the same. The phrase, "Still waters run deep," always comes to mind when I think of my ENFJ friends. I think it's fitting for INFJ's, too, but it's misleading with ENFJ's because they don't appear to be "still." Life seems like a party, they seem always happy, they talk a lot, they tell the funny stories...I tend to think of this as a mask. Sometimes I think it IS a diverting tactic that they use. And most people don't look beneath that to the person inside. And I've noticed almost a cynicism with my ENFJ's as if, "Ha! You have NO idea of what I'm really thinking..." I've also noticed that someone can make a comment to an ENFJ that actually hurts them, such as joking about their weight, single status, etc., and the ENFJ will actually be hurt by it but will put on the happy face and laugh about it with the person because, of course, that is what is expected of them. But inside they're hurt by it.
This is exactly right. ENTJ's are like this in many ways too.
 
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I am an ENFJ and I do get angry, but I ALWAYS bottle up negative emotions like anger and sadness. I know it's not healthy to do that but I can't seem to break that old habit. There's still things about me that close friends don't know and there's things about me my parents don't even know. Sometimes I think it's impossible for someone else to completely know me inside and out.
 
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