Joined
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359 Posts
Can't hug them, can't kiss them, can't touch them or let them touch me... can't look in their eyes, can't receive their presents, can't get their affections or advises. All their red tainted black once brushed on me. That's how it always has been and still ongoing.
I'm open by now to the idea of trying and let them in and regain that ability I long forgotten; but the problem is they never make the effort to show me they are really 'worthy' of it. You see, nothing much changed since my childhood. While they are still the caring, protective, spoiling parents who will give me the world... they are also still the parents who couldn't care less about seeing me truly and neglect my feelings and diminish my behaviour. They raise a doll, not a person.
When my feelings come up to the surface, it's too much for them to handle. They don't want to handle with it, at all. That's how my mom usually says; 'You're too much for me... *sigh*'. And I can feel that, oh do I feel it... I'm a burden to them in that aspect. 'Why can't you be like your two normal brothers? Why everything is always so difficult with you?' These are things they tell me every now and then. When it becomes too complex for them, they become defensive and withdraw or just take a ridiculous stand with no connection whatsoever to what I have said. How can a parent be so oblivious to their son's existence... even with mbti/enneagram I can't explain it.
I still feel like a tourist in my own house. It's as if... I'm their son but it's only a default state with no where to progress further. They treat me in an animalistic way; as an offspring, a fact and a constant; not as an individualistic human-being with a voice. They have no clue who I really am, and I say it on the most objectively way possible. Even the food I dislike they don't bother remembering, while both of them are constantly around this subject of nourishment.
When I react, they are the ones to take offence eventually and make me feel terrible for doing so. It's absurd! I'm the stricken one! Not only they won't learn and open up to my reality, if I open up myself they will interpret it as an insult and a bad behaviour rather than hearing my internal screaming. How awful.
That's really in a nutshell. Even though the thread's title is written in present simple, I'm really interested in your experiences and whether any of you went through this and managed to overcome. It's not yet another wallowing thread... I seek answers and different directions, since mine has failed me thus far and I'm literally sick of this situation. I don't have any real love in my life as it is, and as days go by I feel the burden of my parents is just too much to handle. Things must change.
I'm open by now to the idea of trying and let them in and regain that ability I long forgotten; but the problem is they never make the effort to show me they are really 'worthy' of it. You see, nothing much changed since my childhood. While they are still the caring, protective, spoiling parents who will give me the world... they are also still the parents who couldn't care less about seeing me truly and neglect my feelings and diminish my behaviour. They raise a doll, not a person.
When my feelings come up to the surface, it's too much for them to handle. They don't want to handle with it, at all. That's how my mom usually says; 'You're too much for me... *sigh*'. And I can feel that, oh do I feel it... I'm a burden to them in that aspect. 'Why can't you be like your two normal brothers? Why everything is always so difficult with you?' These are things they tell me every now and then. When it becomes too complex for them, they become defensive and withdraw or just take a ridiculous stand with no connection whatsoever to what I have said. How can a parent be so oblivious to their son's existence... even with mbti/enneagram I can't explain it.
I still feel like a tourist in my own house. It's as if... I'm their son but it's only a default state with no where to progress further. They treat me in an animalistic way; as an offspring, a fact and a constant; not as an individualistic human-being with a voice. They have no clue who I really am, and I say it on the most objectively way possible. Even the food I dislike they don't bother remembering, while both of them are constantly around this subject of nourishment.
When I react, they are the ones to take offence eventually and make me feel terrible for doing so. It's absurd! I'm the stricken one! Not only they won't learn and open up to my reality, if I open up myself they will interpret it as an insult and a bad behaviour rather than hearing my internal screaming. How awful.
That's really in a nutshell. Even though the thread's title is written in present simple, I'm really interested in your experiences and whether any of you went through this and managed to overcome. It's not yet another wallowing thread... I seek answers and different directions, since mine has failed me thus far and I'm literally sick of this situation. I don't have any real love in my life as it is, and as days go by I feel the burden of my parents is just too much to handle. Things must change.