[Tuttle]

A friend of mine is married to an ISTJ man. Their relationship started began when she was a young, divorced mother of two. She told me that her husband was a "rescuer" and felt a duty and an obligation to provide for her shortly after they met. His first marriage was also a "rescue" situation in that his first wife was trying to escape from her abusive parents.

After some contemplation, I can see this trait in my ISTJ mom. She displays this only to her loved ones and not to the world at large.

Can you identify with this? Are there instances in your life that you have taken on the role of rescuer? You don't have to list specific instances, but I'm curious how you reacted in that situation. Did you accept that duty willingly? Do you seek out situations in which you could be the hero? What happens if you can't rescue your loved one? How does that affect your self-esteem?

(No need to answer all of these. These questions are merely jumping off points for a discussion. :wink

 

[Wake]

The best way to exert yourself in any way is for others. Something like money is only so great to use for self-serving purposes. My thoughts are that I accomplish for the betterment of people who I see as worthy causes.

 

[niss]

Sure. I think it is tied into our desire to help make the world as it should be.

 

[CallSignOWL]

i like to help other people, but the only time where I am a "rescuer" or "hero" is in my dreams. No seriously.I often have dreams where a person I care about (friend, family, secret crush :wink: ) is in some kind of danger and I have the overwhelming need to protect them.

 

[niss]

i like to help other people, but the only time where I am a "rescuer" or "hero" is in my dreams. No seriously.I often have dreams where a person I care about (friend, family, secret crush :wink: ) is in some kind of danger and I have the overwhelming need to protect them.

It's been years ago, but that used to be a reoccurring dream of mine.

 

[nosilla]

I have attempted and failed to rescue one of my closest friends. As of right now, we have been acquaintances and friends for five years. I say both because there have been times when I have been so infuriated with her actions that I consciously "give up" on her for a while. Since December 2009, I have made a very conscious effort to slowly move from close friends, to friends, and now to acquaintance.
I tried to rescue her from some of her light family drama in 2007 and 2008, and we'd often fight a lot about it. I cared about her so very much, and I didn't think that there was anyone else who could help her at the time. In 2009, during her first year of college, things really messed up. I tried to help her by doing anything and everything possible. I went with her to sign up for counseling, I listened myself, told a few of our good friends to keep watch over her on certain days of the week. She attempted suicide three times, and all of those times I felt like the worst friend in the world- like I was being punished for something wrong I did. I felt like it was my fault, and that I must not be a good enough person to stick around for. I learned that she was doing it for attention- well she got my attention. I honestly think it affected me more than her- I was miserable for weeks. I thought that something was wrong with me, but I finally pulled myself out of it and realized that something was wrong with her. I stopped talking to her- she never complained. I failed to "rescue" her, but I don't see it as a bad thing anymore. I am just content with the fact that its over and done with, and that I can move on.
My other ISTJ friend is currently trying to rescue her right now. I don't know what to say to him, because I know I never could have been talked out of it. I just hope that he doesn't get as hurt as I did, and that it takes less time for him to realize what I've realized.

 

[Frannyy]

yeah I can relate to this. I want to protect my loved ones from all emotional and physical pain. I think it may be an SJ thing. We are, after all, the 'Guardians'.

also: SJ's are supposed to be more paternal [whereas SPs are more fraternal] so it could come from that aspect too.

 

[CallSignOWL]

yeah I can relate to this. I want to protect my loved ones from all emotional and physical pain. I think it may be an SJ thing. We are, after all, the 'Guardians'.

also: SJ's are supposed to be more paternal [whereas SPs are more fraternal] so it could come from that aspect too.

do you mean that SJs prefer to be "fatherly" and run/support the household and that SPs prefer being best buds/bros with everyone?

please clarify...i got a bit confused

OWL

 

[Frannyy]

do you mean that SJs prefer to be "fatherly" and run/support the household and that SPs prefer being best buds/bros with everyone?

please clarify...i got a bit confused

OWL

yes- i would say that STJs typically take on a fatherly role of making sure everyone/everything is taken care of whereas SFJs tend to take on more of a nurturing motherly role of making sure that everyone's okay.... SJs want everything to be under control, and if it's not they usually take on the responsibility to do so.



and SPs are not necessarily best buds/bros with everyone, but they treat almost everyone as their equal and a 'live and let live' mentality.- 'i will take care of myself and i'll let you take care of yourself'.

 

[Tuttle]

Thanks for your insight, guys. A lot of light bulbs have been going off in my head as I've thought on this.

Most of my life, I've thought that my mother's rescuing behavior towards my brother and I (which has often crossed the line into over-protection, controlling actions) was because she thought we are/were incompetent. I now wonder if her behavior was to fulfill her desire to be a rescuer and provider. Which, in turn, means that her behavior towards me might not have been an indication that I am/was incapable of making wise decisions but rather her "rescuing tendencies" satisfied an emotional need in her.

Thanks again. :wink:

 

[WickedQueen]

My INFJ best friend usually says that she feel "secure" when I'm around. And then when we have a fight, she will yell at me and says that I'm "overprotective" and that I should get over myself. LOL.

 

[Caius20]

Isn't this one of our duties to those we love, even if it annoys them?

 

[Marcus2x2]

I can very much relate to the sense of 'rescuing' and also doing things out of a sense of duty... I tried to rescue someone from someone else. I did ultimately succeed, however, my relationship with the rescued deteriorated to nothing not long after, although they did appreciate my help lol. Committing to/staying in relationships out of a sense of duty or for the sake of taking it upon myself to help someone because I can, I fear will happen again! I think it may cripple me being happy with anyone romantically. I feel it has become more of a curse than a blessing

 

[0z8ZZ8z0]

My father would often go out of his way to rescue my sister and I. It was something I always admired about him. However, there was a period of time when I just wanted to handle the situation myself, and this was especially true for my genius INTJ sister. But after time passed, and it became clear that there would never be a time that he didn’t feel the need to come to our rescue, we just stand back and appreciate the gesture for what it is. You ISTJ’s really kick ass. :wink:

 

[devilz]

i like to help other people, but the only time where I am a "rescuer" or "hero" is in my dreams. No seriously.I often have dreams where a person I care about (friend, family, secret crush :wink: ) is in some kind of danger and I have the overwhelming need to protect them.

same; a couple of my recurring dreams are based on me rescuing someone or something

one of my recent dreams involved me rescuing my "family" (but i got no idea who they are LOL) who were kidnapped by terrorist. i was like a spy/Jack Bauer hunting them down, in the end they were rescued

 

[petals of stone]

Being a half INTJ and a half ISTJ, this is one of the inner conflicts that I deal with everyday:
my ISTJ self tends to nag at me to go protect loved ones and 'rescue' them. But my INTJ self tells me how its none of my business, how I don't really need to bother and why the whole 'rescue project'could be hopeless. I think INTJ's are so much more detached in this sense. So, I only end up protecting someone if I truly care for them and otherwise just leave them be.

Thought you should have an (different) IXTJ POV.

 

[Tuttle]

Isn't this one of our duties to those we love, even if it annoys them?

Regarding the case of my friend in the OP, not every man sees kids as a plus when entering into a relationship. In fact, the vast majority of my single male friends and acquaintances (ages 25-40) would not consider dating a woman with kids.

In a more general sense, sometimes people need to fail at things in order to learn life's lessons. And there are some people consider the rescuing behavior (when extreme) to be controlling and manipulative.

 

[niss]

Well, if we are talking extremes...then count me out.

And really I don't think that dating a woman with kids is the problem...it's more this whole blended family thing and having to deal with another guy who has a lot of say in how the kids are raised. That'd drive me nuts!

I'll add one other comment tangentially related: This is one thing I admire so much about Sela. She toughed it out and raised her daughter by herself. I will always esteem her highly because of this.:happy:

 

[Sela]

In fact, the vast majority of my single male friends and acquaintances (ages 25-40) would not consider dating a woman with kids.

Their loss.

Although like Niss said, it's more a "blended family" problem, the bottom line is that if THAT (a woman that already has children from a previous relationship) is the only thing stopping your friends, then they're basically eliminating a great many people who have much to offer (and oftentimes BECAUSE they've raised children, are mature to boot).

 

[Tuttle]

Their loss.

Although like Niss said, it's more a "blended family" problem, the bottom line is that if THAT (a woman that already has children from a previous relationship) is the only thing stopping your friends, then they're basically eliminating a great many people who have much to offer (and oftentimes BECAUSE they've raised children, are mature to boot).

Yeah, specifically speaking, these guys (note: guys, *not* men) aren't really the most responsible, mature people in the whole world and they're out looking only for a good time. Even though I hate generalizations, I'd wager that these guys mostly fall into the SP temperament.