Personality Cafe banner
1 - 20 of 26 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
484 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I just got into a really stupid argument with my family and would like to hear your opinion as to what transpired. The only reason I am writing this is because I am upset that my family thinks I am "self-righteous" and overheard my step-dad telling my sister I am "selfish like that".

The argument started when my sister(A) brang up that my other sister (B) ate her candy bar after she specifically said not too. Sister B said it was an accident. My family kept throwing my other sister under the bus (something they always do) and always stand up for sister B. I then brought up when sister B drank an ENTIRE GALLON of something I bought with MY money, after asking her not to drink it all. I said it was ok to have some, so I thought it wouldn't be a problem. But she drank all of it. Not a big deal, but keep reading.

My argument wasn't "don't touch my stuff"(though I used it as an example), it was the principle of the thing I was trying to explain to them. If someone buys something with their money and asks you not to eat/drink it all then the people of the house should respect that. That also applied to the situation with sister A and sister B. But no, my family thinks I am being difficult and that my goal was to try to hurt everyones feelings. It was also apparent to me that they enjoy talking shit behind my back; my own family. Wonderful, right? I overheard my father telling sister B that I am "selfish like that", trying to be all hush hush about it. A number of other things were said about me, but I only caught that one line. I then came out (expressing some anger after hearing what they said) and tried explaining to everyone that they are missing the entire point and I am not trying to bash my sister, just get my point across. But my sister B told me to shut up and that this entire conversation was stupid. I just looked at her.

I kept TELLING them that it was the PRINCIPLE of the thing, their argument was "the food is for everyone". Yeah, it is, but if I buy something with my money that I set aside for myself because I don't like to eat the same things my family does and someone consumes ALL of it, I see that as being disrespectful to the other person. Mind you, this isn't the first time it has happened to me. It's ridiculous. My mother then tried saying it was her money (it wasn't, it was my hard earned money) and that I was being self-righteous. She tried bringing up strawmen arguments about how she gives me money (in reference to a ticket she paid a while back, but for the record she doesn't. I currently am paying for college with MY fucking money and on my own. Same goes for gas, phone, ect...)

All in all, they all thought I was being a selfish prick and saying "don't touch my stuff ever" when I was just trying to get them to see where I was coming from (and sister A as well) but as usual, it ended in them taking the side of sister B.

My sister B got her feelings hurt and ran upstairs and locked the door and my family thinks I'm a complete asshole. I would like another INTJ mind to see where I am coming from and point out any flaws I may have made and to tell me their perspective on the whole thing.
 
  • Like
Reactions: kitsu

·
Registered
Joined
·
488 Posts
I think you were totally justified. As far as the carton goes, you bought it, and you weren't "selfish" because you offered to let her have some. That was very rude of her to disregard what you said. I'd be angry with her.

Maybe there are some times you've been selfish that you haven't brought up here. If not, your family is a bunch of jerks.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
484 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I think you were totally justified. As far as the carton goes, you bought it, and you weren't "selfish" because you offered to let her have some. That was very rude of her to disregard what you said. I'd be angry with her.

Maybe there are some times you've been selfish that you haven't brought up here. If not, your family is a bunch of jerks.
I was always treated badly(complicated situation), but I left that out to try not to sound bias. I wouldn't describe myself as selfish. Independent, yeah. But I ALWAYS help people around me, my asshole family included.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
488 Posts
I was always treated badly(complicated situation), but I left that out to try not to sound bias. I wouldn't describe myself as selfish. Independent, yeah. But I ALWAYS help people around me, my asshole family included.
Well that sucks. Hope you can get out of there soon.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
484 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I also want to add that everyone started yelling and I told my mother that we should just drop it as everyone is being overly-sensitive about the issue at hand.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
217 Posts
If you could reason with irrational people then there would be no irrational people. Coming from a similar family (personality and value wise) I understand where you're coming from, so I can say with confidence that it's best to avoid conflict with them and to bide your time until you're out of there.

Since you can't reason with them, and judging from what you've typed, they respond emotionally to all things, you literally cannot gain anything from arguing with them. More important than establishing what is right or wrong (both logically and 'ethically') is to determine which battles to fight and which to abstain from.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Heyoka

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Unfortunately, some people are unable to respond to logic properly; their ego automatically translates neutral statements into something that is associated with in this case self righteousness or some hidden agenda. I've experienced this countless times in arguments within my family. I honestly think this its hard for other to understand words don't always have a personal purpose. Especially In the context of emotionally high strung arguments, vulnerabilities and insecurities dominate over logic. For example, a mother/father that puts herself in an "unappreciated provider role", would be inclined to take logic as an attack on her value. However that being said, I do think it is our responsibility to be considerate of these things to act accordingly.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
574 Posts
Well, sister B deserves to get her feelings hurt, we can even celebrate the fact that she actually feels shame. Why not you go ask your parents, which part of what sister B has done is not wrong? Why the hell are they even siding her?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
227 Posts
POP Your post isn't worth reading. Petty family drama are of no concern
and absolutely no interest.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
117 Posts
Wow, living in your house seems difficult. I can't see any wrong thing that you have done. But it depends on how dependent you are on your parents anyway. Since you buy most of what you need with your own money, I don't see why they should be so disrespectful. Maybe they secretly hate your being so self-reliant. I know this financially-intelligent INxJ guy whose parents would reprimand him for refusing to accept their money for his allowance because he's become financially independent. Like, WTF right?

I've met many people who thought that just because I am logical it means I do not have feelings, and as I gather it seems to be a common problem for us INTJs. I'm guessing they totally do not understand what constitutes as offensive behavior to you, because they perceive you as heartless and "selfish," as you've mentioned. If that were the case, I don't see any possibility that they would ever see eye to eye with you in the future.

My remedy for such situations is just to manipulate people. I've tried with them and they wouldn't budge, so that's the last resort. I would hazard a guess and say you're in your late teens or early twenties, and if that were so, then you only have to endure a couple more years.

The long, hard way to true understanding, I only reserve for people I REALLY give a damn about.

Good luck!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,223 Posts
Not an INTJ, but I can see where you are coming from. That's really inconsiderate for someone even if it's your sister to drink all of something that you bought. You offered her some, but you didn't offer her all of it, so, I think you are totally fine and didn't do anything wrong. :p Honestly, if I were her, I'd be to scared to do something like that. No offense, but INTJs are really scary when they're angry. I only say that cuz of my INTJ brother. Haven't gotten on his bad side too many times, but still...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
503 Posts
I had similar experiences so I can understand how you feel.

Anyway until you do not move out you will have very small ground for your point.

If you do not move out, you must accept the other side of the coin. That not to be gratuitously rude: the reasonable thing to do has been told by the ESFJ.

Keep your things hidden, do not leave documents or money around, set the bank for an online statement only, put password on your computer and phone, buy office metal drawers with keys, etc
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
484 Posts
Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Wow, living in your house seems difficult. I can't see any wrong thing that you have done. But it depends on how dependent you are on your parents anyway. Since you buy most of what you need with your own money, I don't see why they should be so disrespectful. Maybe they secretly hate your being so self-reliant. I know this financially-intelligent INxJ guy whose parents would reprimand him for refusing to accept their money for his allowance because he's become financially independent. Like, WTF right?

I've met many people who thought that just because I am logical it means I do not have feelings, and as I gather it seems to be a common problem for us INTJs. I'm guessing they totally do not understand what constitutes as offensive behavior to you, because they perceive you as heartless and "selfish," as you've mentioned. If that were the case, I don't see any possibility that they would ever see eye to eye with you in the future.

My remedy for such situations is just to manipulate people. I've tried with them and they wouldn't budge, so that's the last resort. I would hazard a guess and say you're in your late teens or early twenties, and if that were so, then you only have to endure a couple more years.

The long, hard way to true understanding, I only reserve for people I REALLY give a damn about.

Good luck!
Thank you. While it is fairly easy to manipulate people, it's not my cup of tea. I see that as abuse and although admittingly I have done it to my family before, I did not feel too good after.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
508 Posts
I'm sorry my INTP instincts are acting up and "brang" is not a word ok.

I'm not INTJ but I think you could've easily resolved this by telling them that "Yes, you could have the food but keep some for me." Even if they finish it, so what? I know it's your hard earned cash but in the end of the day, life is short. Don't deny people of food if they wish to have it. Share it with your sisters. I used to be bothered by it but then I realised, there's no point arguing over this because it's just food. I can get it again. You can earn money again and buy it again, but you'll never be able to live with your all of your family members under the same roof for too long.

Anyway, they might get you food the next time they come home and you can all share them together.

Also, try and get them to try the food that you eat and vice versa.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
484 Posts
Discussion Starter · #18 ·
I'm sorry my INTP instincts are acting up and "brang" is not a word ok.

I'm not INTJ but I think you could've easily resolved this by telling them that "Yes, you could have the food but keep some for me." Even if they finish it, so what? I know it's your hard earned cash but in the end of the day, life is short. Don't deny people of food if they wish to have it. Share it with your sisters. I used to be bothered by it but then I realised, there's no point arguing over this because it's just food. I can get it again. You can earn money again and buy it again, but you'll never be able to live with your all of your family members under the same roof for too long.

Anyway, they might get you food the next time they come home and you can all share them together.

Also, try and get them to try the food that you eat and vice versa.
I know "brang" isn't a word, but I was stressed at the time and didn't give a shit.

You are correct, it doesn't truly matter they ate my food but if you read what I wrote I said it was perfectly fine for them to have some and not ALL of it (which she did anyways). I argued the principle of the matter (in defense for my sister as well) and as usual, they took her side. They think exactly what you typed, that I was freaking out over someone "touching my stuff" but it wasn't the case at all. I couldn't give a shit less about my stuff, I just wanted them to understand the principle of the matter at hand.

The same logic can also be applied to your grammatical INTP tendency you just displayed. Life is too short to care about grammar...

...
...

just kidding xD
 
  • Like
Reactions: SeñorTaco

·
Registered
Joined
·
924 Posts
I'm sorry my INTP instincts are acting up and "brang" is not a word ok.

I'm not INTJ but I think you could've easily resolved this by telling them that "Yes, you could have the food but keep some for me." Even if they finish it, so what? I know it's your hard earned cash but in the end of the day, life is short. Don't deny people of food if they wish to have it.
See, but this is such a laidback P suggestion. I would never just let someone eat my food. I have control issues, lol.

Besides, it's the principle of the thing.

****

Anyway. I was going to suggest the mini-fridge idea (you do have your own room, right?) but someone beat me to it. That's what I did when I was living with roommates and started buying things I wanted to keep track of. It was a great little fridge and it didn't cost much at a used furniture store I found it at.

And if your family wants to make anything you do or say into an issue of "you're just hurting our feelings" then I don't know what to say, because that's a bottomless pit and you'll never get any ground with those people.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,808 Posts
I'm not an INTJ and honestly I think you were in the right in this situation. That was atleast what I got from it. Does this happen to you often? If so you probably need to move out and get your own apartment.
 
1 - 20 of 26 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top