[lightened]

Personally, I don't get it. Intellectually, I am able to grasp the benefits of discussing emotions and feelings - after all I am one to communicate and thrive on communication - however, dabbing into "When you didn't do _____, you made me feel _______";
"Why did you say _______? It really made me feel _______"; "It feels like ________ when you don't/do _______?" evokes a significant amount of displeasure, boredom, irritation, and in some cases dissociation in me. Any time the talk of the above is regurgitated, the only thought that comes to mind is, Well, I did not make you feel anything. Your feelings are your feelings. I did not give you permission, or force you to feel a certain way. In actuality, your feelings are not my problem. So where is this going exactly?" Thoughts like this race around in my mind. Or I think and say, "You are here talking about how you perceived my slighting action to cause your negative reaction, when we could be doing something much more productive. I have a paper to write. Blah blah blah." It just makes more sense. Why dwell on "You made me feel____" when you can be off completing necessary tasks? My stance on the matter is, whatever it was, happened, now let's just move on. What good can come out of digging up past events?


I do not mean to minimize the feelings of whoever it may be that I am involved with. But what good does talking about the above really do? It doesn't do much. What is crying going to do? What are tears for? What do they mean? The majority of the time, when I am unfortunately put in these circumstances, crying is used as a way to emotionally manipulate me. It does not work.

The last relationship I was in, the individual ruined the "moment" by talking about feelings of their own insecurity. Asking that I should not leave them because it would break their heart, and how devastated they would be. All bets were off at that point.

Obviously, as I experience different kinds of relationships with people, romantic and sexual especially, I am beginning to notice a pattern here. Either I am the problem and should potentially alter my way of living (I don't think it will happen any time soon) or, I just attract sensing/feeling types of people.

 

[Humoriarty]

I've found substitution helps.

Tell them how you think, but say "feel" Instead.

When you hear them say feel, substitute "think" in your mind.

It takes a little adjustment.

Obviously in a relationship if the other person "feels" somthing it is important to them, they feel it in much the same way you come to a conclusion on a topic.
It's hard work, but to disregard their feelings (if they are a feeling type) is tantamount to rejecting them.

So you should be asking YOURSELF what it is you are getting out of the relationship?

Grief, by the sound of it.

 

[lolthevoidlol]

I'm not sure what your age/experience/maturity level is, but this post comes off as really juvenile. If you do something that your partner finds hurtful you need to be made aware of that so the both of you can take the appropriate steps, whether that is changing your behavior, or them coming to an understanding which makes the behavior not hurtful (or some combination thereof), or even ending the relationship. You don't get to do whatever the hell you want just because you didn't "make" them feel that way, and they don't get to emotionally manipulate you just because they are overly sensitive. It's a two way street.

Though your post exclusively talks about negative emotions, you should analyze how you feel about the expression of and taking responsibility for positive emotions too. You don't want to deal with your partner when they are negative or saying that your are the cause of their negative feelings, but do you also not want them to express when they are happy and never feel responsible for causing their happy feelings? If you do like them to share their positive feelings and you do like to think that you've made them happy then you're just trying to have your cake and eat it too. And you are absolutely minimizing your partner's feelings.

Their feelings are not your problem, but you do care about them as a partner correct? Something that is really basic to that is wanting their life to be more good than bad and wanting to not cause them pain if you can avoid it. The only way to do that is to communicate about feelings. Again, you don't get to do whatever the hell you want just because you didn't "make" them feel that way, and they don't get to emotionally manipulate you just because they are overly sensitive. It's a two way street. What does this communication "do"? It gives people the needed information so they can conduct their life in the manner they prefer.

Finally, if you think you need to look at the idea that you are attracting a certain type of person you also need to look at the fact that you are agreeing to engage in relationships with that certain type of person. Your post screams of responsibility dodging and overall avoidance. Of course not playing along with truly manipulative people is legit, but if you're finding that all of your partners fall into the manipulative category then you need to take a good look at yourself to figure out why you keep getting into these relationships or if you are mislabeling these people.

 

[Miss Scarlet]

If you want to have a healthy relationship then yes.







....Or learn to read minds.

 

[lightened]

-

Their feelings are not your problem, but you do care about them as a partner correct? Something that is really basic to that is wanting their life to be more good than bad and wanting to not cause them pain if you can avoid it. The only way to do that is to communicate about feelings. Again, you don't get to do whatever the hell you want just because you didn't "make" them feel that way, and they don't get to emotionally manipulate you just because they are overly sensitive. It's a two way street. What does this communication "do"? It gives people the needed information so they can conduct their life in the manner they prefer.

Of course their feelings are important. It's not the most important.. but it's somewhere on that level. I'm more of the let's deal with this now, not later type of person. I can't explain the frustration I receive when a problem or issue is constantly regurgitated. Where does that get you, me, anyone? No where. I'm more of a cerebral type of person anyway. I do have emotions, but I don't want to dissect them all the time, if at all. Only when I find it be necessary. Everyday is not necessary. Every moment is also not necessary.

I never said I can do whatever I want. I believe you should be accountable for all that you do. However, I refuse to stand or sit there and allow someone to blame me for what they feel. It's not going to happen. It's devoid of any logic. I can accept on some level maybe I said or did something to make them feel that way. That's where it ends. It's not my job, responsibility to coddle anyone, not even my lover. We are still two separate individuals. I have my feelings, you have your own. It's not my responsibility to take care of them, it's not my responsibility to deal with them either. I can offer a solution, thats the best I can give. I've met tons of people that seemingly enjoy putting their feelings and emotions onto other people. Its not their emotions or feelings, it's yours. You should know how to deal with it.

I know what communication is. I am dependent on communication. I am not dependent and never will, towards the ridiculous regurgitation of unresolved feelings. Not my problem. We had the chance to discuss it, I give people plenty of opportunity. If they choose not to take it, I let them know frankly I will not be coming back to the current situation. Move on. If you can't. Oh well. Not my problem.


I wasn't put on this earth to hold people's hands.

I'm not sure what your age/experience/maturity level is, but this post comes off as really juvenile. If you do something that your partner finds hurtful you need to be made aware of that so the both of you can take the appropriate steps, whether that is changing your behavior, or them coming to an understanding which makes the behavior not hurtful (or some combination thereof), or even ending the relationship. You don't get to do whatever the hell you want just because you didn't "make" them feel that way, and they don't get to emotionally manipulate you just because they are overly sensitive. It's a two way street.

I respect anyone telling me if I've slighted them. It's my job to evaluate the situation and understand where exactly the slighting actually occurred, if at all. If I have done something wrong, I won't admit it - that's how I am - I don't see the need to outwardly apologize for most things. I'm content with my awareness - if I feel bad, if I feel remorse, I am sorry. My awareness is enough. And than we can move on. It's not always a two-way-street. I don't agree with that statement. Let's be honest here, most of the time hurt feelings have no real connection to the subject. It almost always is a remnant memory of their past, left unresolved which they project onto the subject and attempt to make it all their fault. At least this is my experience with these types of people.

If I did something wrong. I will know it. If you keep bringing it up again, you're not worth my time or energy.

Finally, if you think you need to look at the idea that you are attracting a certain type of person you also need to look at the fact that you are agreeing to engage in relationships with that certain type of person. Your post screams of responsibility dodging and overall avoidance. Of course not playing along with truly manipulative people is legit, but if you're finding that all of your partners fall into the manipulative category then you need to take a good look at yourself to figure out why you keep getting into these relationships or if you are mislabeling these people.

Sounds like common sense to me. I don't feel it is really necessary to continue babbling.

Overall, my purpose in creating this thread was for people to share their own experiences, thoughts about the matter. Their interpretations of emotionally involved relationships and so forth. I wasn't entirely asking for a semi-thorough psychological dissection of my op. You're insights are appreciated however.

 

[Isis]

Or you might want to stick with the whole sex-buddy model of relationships

 

[Green Girl]

Most people need to talk about feelings at some point. Even if you don't feel that need, your romantic partner will. If you want to be close to someone, conversations about feelings are part of the package. The advantage to you is that their example might help you get in touch with your own feelings.

 

[Einstein]

Occasionally, but not usually. There are many ways to address feelings without 'discussing' them. Actions are usually stronger than words.

 

[Ástartöfrar‎]

I think that's what you do when you're in a romantic relationship...

 

[AmberJorr]

It is very necessary to talk about feelings in a romantic relationship. It is very difficult to have a long term, functioning relationship if you don't. They don't necessarily need to be long drawn out discussions, but they need to be there. If you think you can be in a relationship without changing your behavior at all to accommodate your partner and without them changing theirs at least in some small ways, then you've probably never had a real relationship.

Personally, I have found discussing my emotions in a relationship to be one of the most difficult, but also one of the most important parts of having a romantic relationship. It doesn't need to happen all the time, but knowing when to discuss it, how to do that and how to make sure the issue is resolved is vital. With the right person, it really is worth the effort.

 

[White River]

If you want to have a healthy relationship then yes.

....Or learn to read minds.

This. I'm all for not going over the top lovey-dovey all the time, but if you're not talking about feelings, can you even call it a romantic relationship? I personally don't think so.

BTW, I really like your avatar @Miss Scarlet

 

[Enfpleasantly]

They are very important to discuss when there is a miscommunication. For instance, certainly you are human and at some point you could get insulted or irritated by something your SO is doing or has said. If you want the relationship to continue and remain healthy, then the worst thing you could do is simply suppress that. Of course, you pick your battles; some things can be simply let go without discussion. However, say she upsets you because she made a comment you perceived as implying she would be unfaithful to you. It would be wise for you to discuss this with her for clarification so that it doesn't manifest into assumptions and resentment.

Of course, I think it is important to discuss feelings beyond this example, but I think this is one of the most important areas they need discussed.

 

[Miss Scarlet]

This. I'm all for not going over the top lovey-dovey all the time, but if you're not talking about feelings, can you even call it a romantic relationship? I personally don't think so.

BTW, I really like your avatar @Miss Scarlet

If you have to talk about them all tue time then you probably have a problem.

Thanks! I love yours!

 

[Nombiez]

I personally find it extremely helpful when people I'm close to verbalize how they feel when I do certain things.

"Why did you do _____? It made me feel ____."
Is perfect. With that, I can explain to them exactly why I did 'blank'. Also, I have more information to use in the future concerning them- some more insight as to how they will react to certain things so that my actions will be more beneficial in the future.

If they become extremely upset with my honesty as to why I did something (or don't try to take that as something constructive) I know that either I'm misunderstanding them (I feel awful when this happens, and it's sometimes so hard to 'repair' after you've already done it.), or that there's a new possibility that the person I'm interacting with is simply playing victim. That's okay though- that just means they're more insecure then I may have thought originally. My interactions with them may have to be made a little more careful and deliberate and further tests will have to be gentle and risk-free.