[comeasyouare]

So I just saw this thread "Your "f*ck it" list." that is basically things you'd never do in your life. And a lot of INFPs answered "Have children".
Sometimes I feel like i've made my mind and I don't want to have children cause I think I wouldn't be able to raise a child properly, but other times I get a feeling I'd want to have a baby... well it's really confusing for me ...
My question is do you want to have children or not? And why?

 

[VertigoH]

I can't say it's on the agenda for me. But it's really hard for me to say right now. I'm still in university, with no potential boyfriends to speak of. I wouldn't say "no, no children ever." I'm not fantastic with children (in terms of when I have to be in charge of them), but I do like them. I think I'd be ok raising a child under the right circumstances. But if I ever were to want a child, I feel I might look into adoption. But having children is not an item on my bucket list at the moment.

 

[FlowerChild]

I'm only 17, so my perception may not be very accurate right now, but I think I would like to have children. Giving birth seems like such a beautiful thing, and the bond you share with your child is so selfless and unconditional. You have this whole other being your responsible for, who you get to share the world with. There's a part of me that feels like I would be a wonderful parent, just because I would teach my child all of the things I value; love, acceptance, respect, ect. But then there's another part of me that feels I could potentially mess someones life up. I forget everything, i'm bad with money, i'm irresponsible, i'm lazy, I can be way too indulgent and just shut the world off if i'm in a bad mood. I sometimes feel like having kids is selfish too. The world is a pretty harsh place, and even at my age I have experienced a lot I would never want my kid to potentially go through. And then there's the idea that having kids is narcisistic. Some parents see their kids as an extension of themselves, not completely different individuals with their own thoughts and feelings. My parents have raised me that way, and I really do resent them for it. I also feel like once you have children your own life comes to a halt(not that it wouldn't be worth it, though). So unless I had done everything I wanted to do, I wouldn't want to regret having children and wishing I could be travelling or doing other things. I guess I would only have children if I met the right person, and I was at a point in my life where I accomplished all I wanted to, which I honestly don't think is going to happen.

 

[comeasyouare]

I can't say it's on the agenda for me. But it's really hard for me to say right now. I'm still in university, with no potential boyfriends to speak of. I wouldn't say "no, no children ever." I'm not fantastic with children (in terms of when I have to be in charge of them), but I do like them. I think I'd be ok raising a child under the right circumstances. But if I ever were to want a child, I feel I might look into adoption. But having children is not an item on my bucket list at the moment.

I'm in college right now as well, but I like to think about the future ... I also thought about adoption, the idea of childbirth gives me nightmares

 

[IAmOrangeToday]

I want children for sure. My dream is to have a wife and children that I love immensely, I feel it's the most positive thing I can give to the world (if I do a good job! the thought of messing up terrifies me)

 

[comeasyouare]

I'm only 17, so my perception may not be very accurate right now, but I think I would like to have children. Giving birth seems like such a beautiful thing, and the bond you share with your child is so selfless and unconditional. You have this whole other being your responsible for, who you get to share the world with. There's a part of me that feels like I would be a wonderful parent, just because I would teach my child all of the things I value; love, acceptance, respect, ect. But then there's another part of me that feels I could potentially mess someones life up. I forget everything, i'm bad with money, i'm irresponsible, i'm lazy, I can be way too indulgent and just shut the world off if i'm in a bad mood. I sometimes feel like having kids is selfish too. The world is a pretty harsh place, and even at my age I have experienced a lot I would never want my kid to potentially go through. And then there's the idea that having kids is narcisistic. Some parents see their kids as an extension of themselves, not completely different individuals with their own thoughts and feelings. My parents have raised me that way, and I really do resent them for it. I also feel like once you have children your own life comes to a halt(not that it wouldn't be worth it, though). So unless I had done everything I wanted to do, I wouldn't want to regret having children and wishing I could be travelling or doing other things. I guess I would only have children if I met the right person, and I was at a point in my life where I accomplished all I wanted to, which I honestly don't think is going to happen.

Yeah, I guess i'd love to share my world with my children and read for them and pass my values. But at the same time I think I'd be an overprotective parent... I'd have no idea how to let them go alone in the streets to do basic things. And I agree with you about regreting having children and the possibilities to be doing other stuff, so I just have in my mind that I won't be a mother before I'm 30.
But then again I'm only 18 right now so my ideas may be totally different tomorrow...

 

[snowbell]

At this point, no. no way. I'd even venture as far as to say no way in hell, but then again I could change my mind.

Thing is, babies scare me. not even scare, but terrify.

Like, maybe part of it is that i'm a male and so I tend to approach babies as one of the biggest consequences of unplanned sex, but still.

But i believe in respecting women and their wishes, and I find the idea of one night stands to be something i wouldn't want to partake in: the way I see it is, what if they end up having a baby? That baby would be there just... growing, and growing, and it eventually will need to come out, and when it comes out there will likely be immense pain for the mother (in pregnancy) and then after that what happens? You have to prepare for the baby by buying things and setting up a nursery, and making sure that it is going to be cared for. Then comes the sleepless nights, the crying, the constant care and attention and love and affection...

It's like sentencing her to something cruel. And that is the thing because it's not just her - in my mind if you have a baby with someone you don't walk out on them: you stay with them for the good of the child. It's equally immoral to have sex and walk away leaving her to fend for the child by herself, in my mind.

That's just the bases, though: what if it has a medical condition? What if it's stillborn?

And later on, what if it's a daughter and she ends up dating someone who doesn't care for her and uses her? What if it's a son and he ends up doing drugs or something else? What if they aren't more than just average - are you supposed to tell them that they'll go far if they study hard and go to college, even though that's not necessarily true? That's the other thing: you tell them all sorts of things and a good portion of them end up being lies and things that most likely won't happen (you'll end up being a millionaire, you'll find eternal love and happiness, you're going to change the world) and it is just setting them up for heartbreak, in my mind. I couldn't do that to someone - that's just cruel.

Are you supposed to protect them from the ills of the world or let them know bluntly so they don't face culture shock when coming out of teenagehood?

What if you're not ready to be a parent? What if she isn't? What if you end up not being together partway through the child's life - now it'll have to deal with divorce and maybe emotional scarring. What if you die partway through? What if you have a bad relationship with them? How are you supposed to deal with losing your job and putting food on the table?

There are already enough people in the world, and enough hatred and cruelty. It's already hard enough to live life, understand things, and be able to get by, let alone to burden someone else with bringing a life up in a world like this.

 

[comeasyouare]

I want children for sure. My dream is to have a wife and children that I love immensely, I feel it's the most positive thing I can give to the world (if I do a good job! the thought of messing up terrifies me)

That's really nice, good for you to be so decisive

 

[ethylester]

I have always wanted children. I'm pregnant right now with my first, so times are exciting over here. I am nervous and excited about it. I know it's going to change my life and will be a lot of work, but I think it will be worth it. I know I will have some rough spots in my parenting skills and I am trying to identify what those will be early on so that I can work on them. For example, I have read that INFPs are generally more lax on the discipline. So I will try to keep this in mind when my kid misbehaves. Also, I know an INFP mother who, though she adores her two daughters, she was suffering from lack of time to herself and being able to express her creativity and soul seek. This was getting so bad that she cheated on her husband. The two of them are working things out, but it hasn't been easy.

I am scared about these kinds of things, but I feel like if I know ahead of time what my challenges might be, that I will be more prepared to deal with them and prevent them from getting out of hand.

Also, I am worried because I have never been around babies. I'm an only child and I never babysat or took care of an infant. I don't think I've ever even been with an infant for 24 hours straight. I kind of freeze up around children and don't know what to do. But I'm taking a leap of faith in being able to learn as I go. I think kids are awesome. I love just watching them and seeing how they do their thing. I'm anxious to get in there and learn and watch them grow.

Also, I have fond memories of my childhood. I want to be able to give my kid as fun of a childhood as I had. I only wish I didn't have to work a job at the same time. I'm not one of these career-minded women at all. I don't have big dreams of making tons of money and being influential and powerful in a career. i would much rather stay home, lay low and be with my child, make dinner, do laundry, etc. I'm worried that my husband and I won't have enough money to support a child. But we're going ahead with it anyway... we'll make it work.

 

[comeasyouare]

At this point, no. no way. I'd even venture as far as to say no way in hell, but then again I could change my mind.

Thing is, babies scare me. not even scare, but terrify.

Like, maybe part of it is that i'm a male and so I tend to approach babies as one of the biggest consequences of unplanned sex, but still.

But i believe in respecting women and their wishes, and I find the idea of one night stands to be something i wouldn't want to partake in: the way I see it is, what if they end up having a baby? That baby would be there just... growing, and growing, and it eventually will need to come out, and when it comes out there will likely be immense pain for the mother (in pregnancy) and then after that what happens? You have to prepare for the baby by buying things and setting up a nursery, and making sure thhat ist is

That's just the bases, though: what if it has a medical condition? what if it's stillborn?

And later on, what if it's a daughter and she ends up dating someone who doesn't care for her and uses her? What if it's a son and he ends up doing drugs or something else? What if they aren't more than just average - are you supposed to tell them that they'll go far if they study hard and go to college, even though that's not necessarily true? That's the other thing: you tell them all sorts of things and a good portion of them end up being lies and things that most likely won't happen (you'll end up being a millionaire, you'll find eternal love and happiness, you're going to change the world) and it is just setting them up for heartbreak, in my mind. I couldn't do that to someone - that's just cruel.

Are you supposed to protect them from the ills of the world or let them know bluntly so they don't face culture shock when coming out of teenagehood?

What if you're not ready to be a parent? What if she isn't? What if you end up not being together partway through the child's life - now it'll have to deal with divorce and maybe emotional scarring. What if you die partway through? What if you have a bad relationship with them?

There are already enough people in the world, and enough hatred and cruelty. It's already hard enough to live life, understand things, and be able to get by, let alone to burden someone else with bringing a life up in a world like this.

I guess for us INFPs the worst thought about parenting is messing up our children. About the divorce I think it can cause much more harm to a child to have their parents fighting everyday than being separated, I can tell by myself that I'm living a much healthier life now that my parents aren't together anymore.
Well, I think you raised a really good point about having a medical condition. You have to be prepared for anything when you have a baby, so being financially independent is essencial, as well as having a lot of pacience...

 

[Hycocritical truth teller]

i can't be sure of this. Now, no. In next 5 years, no. One day? maybe.
It's kinda undecided with me. Im first guessing i would have to settle down with someone i love and then think about do i want children with him or not.
Im not very maternaty type of a person and im kinda loner so unity of family is a nice thought to me but i like to keep my individuality.
But i would love to have someone i love near me and a child goes after that but i don't wanna say i want kids since it's a bit scary to me to be honest and i don't think my life is momentarily in a period of having kids, thinking about kids. That is too far away for me.

 

[comeasyouare]

I have always wanted children. I'm pregnant right now with my first, so times are exciting over here. I am nervous and excited about it. I know it's going to change my life and will be a lot of work, but I think it will be worth it. I know I will have some rough spots in my parenting skills and I am trying to identify what those will be early on so that I can work on them. For example, I have read that INFPs are generally more lax on the discipline. So I will try to keep this in mind when my kid misbehaves. Also, I know an INFP mother who, though she adores her two daughters, she was suffering from lack of time to herself and being able to express her creativity and soul seek. This was getting so bad that she cheated on her husband. The two of them are working things out, but it hasn't been easy.

I am scared about these kinds of things, but I feel like if I know ahead of time what my challenges might be, that I will be more prepared to deal with them and prevent them from getting out of hand.

Also, I am worried because I have never been around babies. I'm an only child and I never babysat or took care of an infant. I don't think I've ever even been with an infant for 24 hours straight. I kind of freeze up around children and don't know what to do. But I'm taking a leap of faith in being able to learn as I go. I think kids are awesome. I love just watching them and seeing how they do their thing. I'm anxious to get in there and learn and watch them grow.

Also, I have fond memories of my childhood. I want to be able to give my kid as fun of a childhood as I had. I only wish I didn't have to work a job at the same time. I'm not one of these career-minded women at all. I don't have big dreams of making tons of money and being influential and powerful in a career. i would much rather stay home, lay low and be with my child, make dinner, do laundry, etc. I'm worried that my husband and I won't have enough money to support a child. But we're going ahead with it anyway... we'll make it work.

Congratulations! You seem really well-grounded I think you're very aware about the work and challenges that will come with a baby, I guess you'll do fine :}
About being an only child, well I have a cousin who is one too and like you she never had to take care of a baby, I think the first time she had one in her arms was after she gave birth. Now her baby boy is three years old, and she's a wonderful mother, she basically learned things day by day and her boy is healthy and really smart.

 

[comeasyouare]

i can't be sure of this. Now, no. In next 5 years, no. One day? maybe.
It's kinda undecided with me. Im first guessing i would have to settle down with someone i love and then think about do i want children with him or not.
Im not very maternaty type of a person and im kinda loner so unity of family is a nice thought to me but i like to keep my individuality.
But i would love to have someone i love near me and a child goes after that but i don't wanna say i want kids since it's a bit scary to me to be honest and i don't think my life is momentarily in a period of having kids, thinking about kids. That is too far away for me.

I can relate to what you said about being a loner. I appreciate my alone time a lot and having a baby is a 24 hours job.

 

[ethylester]

I see a few perfectionists out there on this thread. Nobody's going to be a perfect parent. To me, a bad parent is one who abuses and neglects their kid. Not one who occasionally gets in a bad mood, or one who doesn't really like changing dirty diapers. And think about how many people there are in this world who are getting along just fine. They might have had flawed parents (who doesn't?) but they managed. I know it's scary to think that you could "mess up a kid" by doing something horrible, but really, what horrible thing would you do, my INFP friends? Would you abuse your child? Would you sexually molest your child? Would you chain your child up in the basement for years? Would you laugh as it got bitten by a raging pit bull? Would you belittle your child every day and tell them they are no good pieces of trash? NO, my guess is none of you would do any of those things. THAT is bad parenting. THOSE people who do those things were not meant to be parents. But, I understand that even though you wouldn't do these things, you still don't want kids, and that is your decision. I just wanted to say that no one is perfect and your desire to be the perfect parent shouldn't be the thing that stops you from being one.

 

[da_gobbo]

in a word no i dont want the responsibility stress ect o dont think id cope well with it and i just dont seem to have any paternal desire/ instinct generally i find children irritating (fastest way ive found to get a massive headache is be shooping when someones child starts crying the noise just goes right through me ill have a headache within a couple minutes and be in a bad mood the rest of the day
so much as i respect those who do have kids for me its a definate no.

 

[WardRhiannon]

I don't want children. I would probably be a good mother if I tried, but there are so many things I'm afraid of. What if my child is bullied and I would have to go through all of that again? What if I can't support them? What if I resent them because I can't do the things I want?

I think I would hate the process of motherhood, but love my children. I believe that the overall reason I don't want kids is the lack of free time it comes with. I wouldn't have the quiet, reflective time I treasure. I wouldn't be able to lose myself in spurts of creatvity or be spontaneous. I procrastinate and have a tendency to lose myself in my daydreams and those traits aren't conducive to being an attentive mother.

The planet is overpopulated as it is and I don't need to add my genetics to it. If I do change my mind, I think I'll adopt or foster.

 

[Hycocritical truth teller]

I can relate to what you said about being a loner. I appreciate my alone time a lot and having a baby is a 24 hours job.

this is also a problem with me when it comes to having family. when someone asks me "well do you wanna be alone?" the answer in my head is - yes. Not completely but do i wanna spend my youth alone and free - yes i do.
And i kinda don't want anything typical and want to go through my life how i feel about things and not in conventional ways. Conventional ways are ok if i feel the need to settle down. But i am not ready for that now.
i think i mostly go in a group of people who don't want kids - i need space in my life. Having someone to love to share it with it's the whole world to me but children are a different thing.

 

[ethylester]

Congratulations! You seem really well-grounded I think you're very aware about the work and challenges that will come with a baby, I guess you'll do fine :}
About being an only child, well I have a cousin who is one too and like you she never had to take care of a baby, I think the first time she had one in her arms was after she gave birth. Now her baby boy is three years old, and she's a wonderful mother, she basically learned things day by day and her boy is healthy and really smart.

That is encouraging about your cousin. My friend told me that parenting is one of the few jobs that has no prerequisites. That made me feel better. Plus, I know I will be dedicated and just because I've never done it before, doesn't mean I'm going to just fool around and not try. I am out there seeking advice from everyone. I want to know how other people do it and decide if it is something I would do or not. I'm asking my mom, my dad, my grandma, my friends with kids, going online, reading books, trying to see all the different perspectives. (yeah, I'm a little obsessed). I don't want to go into this being clueless.

thanks!

 

[comeasyouare]

this is also a problem with me when it comes to having family. when someone asks me "well do you wanna be alone?" the answer in my head is - yes. Not completely but do i wanna spend my youth alone and free - yes i do.
And i kinda don't want anything typical and want to go through my life how i feel about things and not in conventional ways. Conventional ways are ok if i feel the need to settle down. But i am not ready for that now.
i think i mostly go in a group of people who don't want kids - i need space in my life. Having someone to love to share it with it's the whole world to me but children are a different thing.

I think my answer would be the opposite. I don't wanna be alone but I value my time being alone. Having to take care of someone would be the problem for me, I'm easily distracted and I think I wouldn't be able to give my whole attention to them...

 

[comeasyouare]

That is encouraging about your cousin. My friend told me that parenting is one of the few jobs that has no prerequisites. That made me feel better. Plus, I know I will be dedicated and just because I've never done it before, doesn't mean I'm going to just fool around and not try. I am out there seeking advice from everyone. I want to know how other people do it and decide if it is something I would do or not. I'm asking my mom, my dad, my grandma, my friends with kids, going online, reading books, trying to see all the different perspectives. (yeah, I'm a little obsessed). I don't want to go into this being clueless.

thanks!

It's nice that you have your family to support you, in case you have any doubts you can always rely on your parents, grandparents, etc.