[Craigster]

I've recently discovered my type as INFP. I'm extremely lonely and thinking back, have been for as long as I can remember. I struggle to relate to people on a relationship/love level and always seem to get used and rejected.

Is this a normal thing to happen to INFPs? Just wondering......

 

[Nasmoe]

I have always been lonely when came to relating to people and never really had a like minded friend. But at the same time I never allowed myself to get very close enough to anyone to be used at least. I've been rejected and that hurt along with other things that happened when I was younger and I just kind of shut down socially. I'm trying to get over it though.

 

[Musician6120]

It's been the way for me. What makes it worse is getting older and the closest thing you have to friends do the normal thing; getting married, starting a family and thus you become more secluded socially and maybe even letting people treat you poorly just to have some sort of social life.

 

[Craigster]

Well, I'm gay, so I guess I'm worse off then? Getting married and having kids isn;t going to happen LOL

So how do I change this?

 

[Musician6120]

Aaaawwwww Craigster, ya might have friends who do the marry/family thing!! lol

How old are you? Your best chance at changing this is trying to make friends when you're younger, ie in school. I didn't and I truly regret it. I have now and had then a serious anxiety problem. The irony of that of course is when you're too anxious to see a doctor about it. Sorry got off topic there...as best you can, put yourself out there and make friends. It may seem uncomfortable now but as time passes it should become more natural. And if you befriend social butterflies you can still keep your downtime because they will always have tons of friends that they 'rotate.' :tongue: I have found that over the years when I was being social or my own version of social it did become easier, BUT when I got out of it, I went right back to my old lonely ways. Okay I'm not saying that I found deep emotional connections but I know I did feel better about life when I was socializing.

 

[A Better Tomorrow]

Musician6120, isn't it funny being a musician and having anxiety? I am also a musician and have anxiety issues...ironic. And Craigster, I think it is a normal INFP, I have felt lonely for as long as I could remember. We just have to hope one day it will go away.

 

[incessantmisery]

Loneliness is the human condition. We're all lonely one way or another. Even people who act happy and have thousands of friends are deep down lonely and isolated even if they don't admit it. I've grown increasing lonely in the past few years because I just developed differently from my former friends. I wanted more out of life than just senselessly having a "good time" everyday and talking about the same old things. I found it incredibly shallow so I just stop hanging out with them. So yeah... I guess I'm lonely. Especially since no one seems to share my vision or views about what life should be about. All around me seems to be empty faces and meaningless endings. :sad:

 

[Musician6120]

Duder142 yes it is funny and sad. I just can't play in front of people anymore. It was always a challenge-don't ask why my music major concentration was in Performance. I haven't been in a band for almost a year and just a few days ago I started to miss is and I HATED what that band played. I don't tell students about this in fear that it might rub off. I think I have told 2 adult students and they were both confused. They couldn't understand it; they equated anxiety with lack of ability. Of course I think there IS a lack of ability.

Maybe the loneliness is where the "hoping for a savior" comes into play. I dream of having friends, getting a phone call from someone who didn't want something from me other than to just get together or talk.

 

[Acey]

i'm lonely and i have been my whole life. What keeps me going is that hope that one day ill find someone that i can share myself with. No luck so far, but tomorrow is a brand new day.

 

[CrusaderOfTheHeart]

guys - I think the important thing is to know the difference from being alone and loneliness. I LIKE being alone a lot...to think things through and just do stuff *I* WANT to do rather than feel obliged to do. Loneliness is just a signal that you need to connect with people in some way - even as simple as saying hello to strangers

 

[starflower]

All my life, I've been told I am lonely, because I enjoy being alone. But there are definitely times I am lonely.

Craigster, what do you enjoy? Are you a religious person? Maybe finding a church that's right for you? Are you into sports? Maybe joining a community sports team? Do you like to sing? There are never enough male voices in our community choir. Maybe you'd like to volunteer at the library or fire department? When you get into a group of people, look for one or two that you can relate to on some level.

That said, I am most lonely in a crowd. I do have a special friend, but I am not special to her. My family is my refuge. If you are gay, I don't know how a family of your own would work for you. Wish I had advice. You have lots of friends here. I know it's not the same as close friends irl, but sometimes, it's the closest thing we have.

 

[starflower]

As to making friends as children - I have moved so many times in my life, I never had a consistent friend. When I was old enough to write letters, I would, but I'm not really in touch with any of my childhood acquaintances. I never really had friends. Even as an adult, I move every couple years with my husband's job. Others make friends so easily. It takes me quite a bit longer to trust others enough to even talk to them more than just a hello. I think that may be an INFP trait.

But we have so much to give! Craigster, don't give up on yourself!

 

[Gonzo Life]

I think the important thing is to know the difference from being alone and loneliness. I LIKE being alone a lot...to think things through and just do stuff *I* WANT to do rather than feel obliged to do.

Well spoken! I also enjoy aloneness, I just look forward to the days when I've found someone to share it with. The chances of that seem slimmer all the time. Ah well, ever onwards.

 

[amanda32]

It's been the way for me. What makes it worse is getting older and the closest thing you have to friends do the normal thing; getting married, starting a family and thus you become more secluded socially and maybe even letting people treat you poorly just to have some sort of social life.

Definitely, this makes things worse. Everyone around me getting married and having babies. Aiya! However, neither have I been divorced....and I've seen at least half of my friends get divorces -- never pretty.

All my life, I've been told I am lonely, because I enjoy being alone. But there are definitely times I am lonely.

Craigster, what do you enjoy? Are you a religious person? Maybe finding a church that's right for you? Are you into sports? Maybe joining a community sports team? Do you like to sing? There are never enough male voices in our community choir. Maybe you'd like to volunteer at the library or fire department? When you get into a group of people, look for one or two that you can relate to on some level.

That said, I am most lonely in a crowd. I do have a special friend, but I am not special to her. My family is my refuge. If you are gay, I don't know how a family of your own would work for you. Wish I had advice. You have lots of friends here. I know it's not the same as close friends irl, but sometimes, it's the closest thing we have.

Starflower: I think you and I are really similar! I've been noticing it in the posts I've read of yours for quite a while. I also enjoy being alone, until I begin to get lonely! lol. And I also feel incredibly lonely in a crowd.
But the reason I'm quoting what you said specifically is because you said: "I do have a special friend, but I am not special to her." That really hits home for me. I have a friend or two like this, though I think I am 'special to them' not nearly as special as they are to me and that really does hurt, doesn't it. How do you deal with it? What is your relationship with your friend like and why don't you think you're special to her?

 

[Ethiope]

Well, I'm gay, so I guess I'm worse off then? Getting married and having kids isn;t going to happen LOL

So how do I change this?

My brother's gay and I ENVY his social life. Unlike straight people, the community of gay people, at least until recently when some states allow gay marriage, don't become permanently (supposedly) coupled. So, there is usually a larger pool of available people to socialize with.

I, on the other hand, live in the suburbs with a bunch of families with children, and finding other single people with no kids is very difficult. They're here, but then finding people within that subgroup that you relate to becomes even more difficult.

So, as a gay person, you might actually be better off.

 

[Raichan]

Don't worry, at times I feel entirely disconnected from the world and everything too

 

[starflower]

Starflower: I think you and I are really similar! I've been noticing it in the posts I've read of yours for quite a while. I also enjoy being alone, until I begin to get lonely! lol. And I also feel incredibly lonely in a crowd.
But the reason I'm quoting what you said specifically is because you said: "I do have a special friend, but I am not special to her." That really hits home for me. I have a friend or two like this, though I think I am 'special to them' not nearly as special as they are to me and that really does hurt, doesn't it. How do you deal with it? What is your relationship with your friend like and why don't you think you're special to her?

I PMed you about this.

 

[MilkyWay132]

As to making friends as children - I have moved so many times in my life, I never had a consistent friend. When I was old enough to write letters, I would, but I'm not really in touch with any of my childhood acquaintances. I never really had friends. Even as an adult, I move every couple years with my husband's job. Others make friends so easily. It takes me quite a bit longer to trust others enough to even talk to them more than just a hello. I think that may be an INFP trait.

But we have so much to give! Craigster, don't give up on yourself!

That's what it was like for me to. To tell the truth, I never had any true friends, I just had aquaintances who I played with. I remember playing games like "House" and "Vampire tag." Basically, I liked anything that had to with imaginary things or the supernatural, and I still do. At school, I only talk occasionally but don't have any friends yet---It takes me a long time to trust people, especially because I had friends who talked behind my back and called me "weird" when I was younger. I forgave them, but I still haven't forgot it. And you're probably right---I'm sure it might have to do with being an INFP.

 

[Hiki]

Craig- do whatever you need to do that will make you feel less lonely. It's only a distraction, yes but if you don't want to feel this as much as you do then make your life as comfortable as possible, if you choose to. It's completely up to you. What is your Enneagram?

 

[KiloBravo]

Hmm I have no problems being alone really, however I do wish that I could find people that can relate to me and vice versa. I kinda have given up on the whole idea of marriage. Not because I haven't been able to find anyone, but because I don't buy into the whole status symbol of it. You know you have to get married and have 2 and 1/2 kids to be accepted......

If i hook up with someone permanently I hope thats its because I just simply could not do without having the other person in my life.