[katfoods]

I have an ENTP friend I am interested in who goes to the same college as me and works with me as well. We've been hanging out a lot, and I am curious to know whether or not he sees me as a friend or if he is interested in me. The problem is that when we began to hang out with each other, he knew I was seeing someone, but does not know that I am not seeing that person anymore. I have no good enough reason to tell him I am not seeing anyone anymore unless he asks, or if I want him to know I am single-- which in my mind is a dead give away. We keep hanging out but I can't help but wonder if maybe he just made up his mind about thinking of me as a friend-- shutting out the possibility of seeing me as an interest because I was seeing someone at the time-- or if he really isn't interested in me in that way and just wants to be around someone who gets him. I am only curious to know so I can stop wondering about this and get on with my day!


A little about this ENTP-- He is incredibly intelligent, and has been able to talk to me and teach me about numerous things including politics, economics, and design. He talks a lot, and loudly, and is so passionate about the things the he says that it comes off as aggressive, impatient, and intimidating to me sometimes. Haha. He's the funky snowboarder/wakeboarder/biker type of cali guy who wears ray bans and flip-flops in a palm tree button up with a cigarette in his mouth. He's got a presence.


About my INFJ self-- I'm quite an extraverted introvert, who is engaged and fully enthused and interested with the things this ENTP brings to the table. He basically brings the talkative side out of me, and I love hearing his train of thought in reason and logic especially since I feel like my Ti has blossomed like crazy over the past couple years. I have an artistic background and I'm boyish, but I make sure to compensate for my lack of girliness by doing my make up super nice, for example. Haha. I don't give a fuck about anything but I do at the same time.


I met this ENTP officially at work, where he slowly became more friendly with me over time. He gradually went from not looking at me in the eye when saying hi back to me at work, to eventually being much more open and fully engaged in talking about all sorts of relevant, interesting and incredibly important topics e.g. world views, global political problems, *philosophy, and all that great stuff. After getting used to working with each other, he became more friendly towards me, joking with me at work and eventually reaching out to kick it with me at least once a week. I'd go over to his place, smoke some weed with him and just philosophize the shit out of the books we've been reading in our classes and talk about the popular debates that each of us were learning about. It was SO rejuvenating, and I wish everyone could hold intelligible conversations as such. I wonder if there is a possibility that he is holding back because he still thinks I am seeing someone, or because he just sees me as a friend?


Few things that confuse me:
Sometimes I notice him staring at me in the corner of my eye, but maybe he is just zoning out? He woke me at 2 in the morning (after having hung out with him earlier that day) asking if he could borrow my computer charger for a project he was working on, called back, said he found one, but then wanted to swing by to smoke a cigarette with me. Does that mean anything or am I just being an INFJ? We don't text each other often and he isn't very good at it either. Apparently he kept asking why I wasn't at work the other day to my co-worker, "crying like a kindergartner"-- which is an exaggeration I'm sure, but still. Haha. I am very good at hiding my emotions, and have learned to copy his mannerisms so he doesn't know I am interested in him. (Do ENTPs hide their emotions ever?) I'll even act like a guy so I don't get nervous, or that he doesn't know. Sometimes I get this "tug-in-my-chest-feeling" from him when we conclude a debate or conversation and our eyes meet, or I see him stare off smiling just subtly. I am afraid to take off my "intellectual hat" because its seems like he appreciates that about me, and because I don't want to be the dumbass if I find out he really just sees me as a friend. Lastly he butt-dialed me and when I called back he said "sorry to get your hopes up"! He probably knows doesn't he! Ftw.


He treats me like a friend, not an interest, butI'm just confused since we hang out often and connect so well to eachother. I wonder if his perception of my relationship stat (thinking I'm not single) has anything to do with that, and if he knew I was single, if anything would change. I wish I could just tell him I'm single, but it's awkward to talk about. I wish I had known him before seeing the other dude I was seeing!

I am very sorry this was so, so long and I commend those of you who have read thus far.


Thoughts anybody? I'm new to personality cafe and it's the shit.

 

[fullofbull58]

I'm only speaking from a limited perspective on the situation, but my best guess is that he doesn't know if you are the best fit for him. That's been a HUGE problem with me when it comes to relationships (and all aspects of life, actually). Like, I'll be really into a girl, but at the same time I will see that there might be a better fit out there or that you are really compatible in one aspect but lacking in another. I will typically jump into any opportunity to experiment with what works, but relationships are one area that I tend to tiptoe around. I don't want to lead people on and let them down when I decide that they aren't what I'm looking for.

 

[TruthDismantled]

butt dialed. hmm im unfamiliar with this term, i must remember it then proceed to tell my uk friends and laugh at their ignorance MWAHAHAHA,, anyway. unless its popular in the uk in which case :ninja:

i think you should formulate a crafty way of slipping it to him that you're single and going from there really, it'll annoy you to keep considering every possibility and breaking down the intricacies of all the different scenarios you guys have been in. something as simple as "i can see you a little bit later just gotta go give (insert ex's name) back his clothes and shit"

entps arent always the best when it comes to handling their feelings and can worry about showing too much of themselves when these feelings come into play so dont get disheartened at all just yet. you corner of the eye peripheri thing is more of a tester if anything, checking to see how often you look his way without him making it obvious he's aware. hes hoping you'll think, "woo he's not looking better take some time to admire"

slip it in (haha innuendo.. :/) that you are single and give it a while see if anything changes in him and you could even start being a little flirty. if you like the guy you dont wanna be thinking 1, 2 months down the line "maybe he just thought i wasnt interested and backed off", "what if" and all that

 

[nujabes]

butt dialed. hmm im unfamiliar with this term, i must remember it then proceed to tell my uk friends and laugh at their ignorance MWAHAHAHA,, anyway. unless its popular in the uk in which case :ninja:

i think you should formulate a crafty way of slipping it to him that you're single and going from there really, it'll annoy you to keep considering every possibility and breaking down the intricacies of all the different scenarios you guys have been in. something as simple as "i can see you a little bit later just gotta go give (insert ex's name) back his clothes and shit"

entps arent always the best when it comes to handling their feelings and can worry about showing too much of themselves when these feelings come into play so dont get disheartened at all just yet. you corner of the eye peripheri thing is more of a tester if anything, checking to see how often you look his way without him making it obvious he's aware. hes hoping you'll think, "woo he's not looking better take some time to admire"

slip it in (haha innuendo.. :/) that you are single and give it a while see if anything changes in him and you could even start being a little flirty. if you like the guy you dont wanna be thinking 1, 2 months down the line "maybe he just thought i wasnt interested and backed off", "what if" and all that

yes, be crafty! drop subtle hints that don't seem like hints under scrutiny (if he IS interested and wondering if you're single, he could be trying to analyze everything that could possibly be a hint).

He woke me at 2 in the morning (after having hung out with him earlier that day) asking if he could borrow my computer charger for a project he was working on, called back, said he found one, but then wanted to swing by to smoke a cigarette with me.

ding ding ding!

 

[DeathRipper]

If you wanna know if he likes you just out of curiosity and are ready to take your chances, ask away. I know this is the stupidest piece of advice to give to an INFJ, but he won't really mind much being friends with you, even if he doesn't like you back.

Now, what I have to say from my experience with INFJs, it's quite hard to get to know you guys. You somehow tend to like to make others figure themselves out and talk about themselves, but when somebody tries to listen to your story you just shorten it out making all those "don't worry, it's just my problem, not like you should have any particular unpleasant emotion or troubles because of it" hints that drive me crazy. If that's the case with you too, try to open up more, just force yourself to speak about yourself once or twice and see if you could like it that way. Not that he'll mind later on, but now that he doesn't know you so well it can seem like a problem to him. This may be way slower path, but he might end up asking you out.

Either way, I suggest you just ask him right away. Could spare yourself a lot of time and effort, and also since you guys tend to seem more sensitive than you actually are, he might even be afraid to hurt you. That isn't quite an ENTP thing, I know, but our Ne Fe tends to kick in with certain types of people. Mainly strong Fe users, which includes you folk.

 

[drmiller100]

if he is smart, and he talks to you, he REALLY likes you.

I don't talk to people on a regular basis I don't like. He is NOT good with his feelings. He is ENTP.

Let him know you are single. And are thinking about "dating guys." Give him 2 or 3 days, and you will know your answer. Either he will get goofy and and hang out with you even more, or he will avoid you like the plague until you find a new guy.

There will not be a middle ground.

I'd bet strongly on he will act really goofy and hang out with you.

 

[TinyTacos]

If he doesn't know about your newfound single status, he most likely won't make a move. I wouldn't, because I'd be too afraid of jeopardizing the relationship. I imagine if that piece of information somehow wiggles its way into his brain, you might see an altering in his demeanor.

If you ever decide to tell him, look at his face when he processes the information. If he likes you, chances are he might momentarily freeze up as a torrent of new opportunity floods into his brain. I remember the first time something like your situation happened to me. I was talking on the phone, and when she revealed the news to me I nearly collapsed to the ground. Of course I was younger and less emotionally mature back then, so my situation may not be applicable to yours.

yeah, my heart exploded. being friends was awesome as I understood and respected the firmly established boundary of her relationship. finding out she was now available nearly gave me a heart attack. lol someone actually rushed over to see if I was okay. I had to ask her though to find out. The information was something she wouldn't easily part with without provocation.

Does he ever ask you about how your relationship is going? Does he ever bring up any topics concerning relationships?


Also Costco closes in like 15 minutes and I need my ice coffee mocha drink. so i apologize for my gradual butchering of the written english.

 

[katfoods]

Hi TinyTacos,

No, this ENTP doesn't ask about my relationship with the other guy, and actually doesn't talk about anything relationship-related at all. Haha. In fact we don't really talk much about our personal lives to each other, just philosophical/intellectual dialogue for the most part. The absence of any romance (more like flirting) is what makes me think we are nothing more than friends.

I just don't know how to nonchalantly say I'm single without it being obvious that I am attracted to him! I feel like this ENTP is really good at masking himself. I think we are both good at acting haha. I guess I should just grow a pair and be straightforward like DeathRipper suggested? Do ENTP's prefer that?

I don't know. I'm not in a rush to make things happen since I enjoy hanging out with him so much anyway. Maybe I'll casually bring it up and ask him if he's seeing anyone or something? Banter with him a little bit.. haha. Yeah I'm beginning to think he doesn't see me that way and just enjoys hanging out and having someone to share his ideas with/understand his ideas, haha. Damnity damn! xD


And Costco's mocha drink is the shit-- you are forgiven.

 

[downsowf]

I just don't know how to nonchalantly say I'm single without it being obvious that I am attracted to him!

What's so bad about him knowing you're attracted to him.

I mean, you are attracted to him, right?

 

[katfoods]

Well yeah, haha, I am attracted to him. I guess I am afraid that he won't see me the same way and I'll end up feeling like I look really dumb to a smart person haha.

 

[downsowf]

Well yeah, haha, I am attracted to him. I guess I am afraid that he won't see me the same way and I'll end up feeling like I look really dumb to a smart person haha.

I'm sure if you start flirting with him then he'll take the flirting to another level.

If you're so worried about not telling him you broke up with your boyfriend then have a friend somehow casually tell him. Then you'll see if he approaches you differently.

And I'd rather look dumb to a smart person than look dumb to a dumb person (on second thought maybe not).

You're over-thinking this way too much.

 

[katfoods]

Yeah looking dumb to a dumb person would be pretty sad, haha. And yeah-- I know I am over-thinking as per usual. I'm just excited about him. Well, we will see how things go!

 

[TinyTacos]

Well yeah, haha, I am attracted to him. I guess I am afraid that he won't see me the same way and I'll end up feeling like I look really dumb to a smart person haha.

I also don't think he would be devoting so much of his time and energy with you if he thought you were dumb. You should give yourself more credit. lol I know it might sound a bit cheezy, but as Christopher Robin once said to Pooh:

"Promise me you'll always remember: you're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think."

The worst thing you can do is make yourself feel inferior to him. you are not inferior to him, you are his equal.


Also, from the information you've given it seems like the only things you two converse about are philosophy, class related material, work, and butt-dialing. If that is the case, then your desire to appear so stoically intellectual is probably the single greatest impediment inhibiting the growth of your relationship. Just be honest with yourself. I imagine there are other things that fascinate you beyond the realm of academia. Bring them up in your conversations and see where the magic flows. If he really digs you and is the ENTP that you proclaim, then he might relish the opportunity to explore them with you. It'll be like two friends holding each others hands as they prepare to embark on some incredible journey. The feeling is quite amazing. :kitteh:


Don't give him everything though, fuck that shit! Make him work for it. And if he pulls any of that push or pull crap on you like devoting a ton of time to you then intentionally cutting you off for a two weeks to fuel the intensity of your desires, then drop him like a sack of bricks.
(Our stuff him into a sack, then drop it into a river of gasoline, then drop the sack of bricks on top of him, and then set the entire river on fire! Then stand over the bridge with your hands stretch in the air while bellowing at the top of your lungs: :angry:RAARAGHHHHHHH!!!!!!)



And no worries if he turns you down. He'll most likely be interested in continuing your friendship.


P.S. maybe you can talk about the relationships of others? I think you just need seeds. once planted they should grow into novel ideas. mental gardening at its best! something the ENTP+INFJ duo are best at! roud:

 

[downsowf]

Beware what you wish for @katfoods

I also don't think he would be devoting so much of his time and energy with you if he thought you were dumb. You should give yourself more credit. As Christopher Robin once said to Pooh:

lol I know it might sound a bit cheezy... but the worst thing you can do is make yourself feel inferior to him. you are not inferior to him, you are his equal.


Also, from the information you've given it seems like the only things you two converse about are philosophy, class related material, work, and butt-dialing. If that is the case, then your desire to appear so stoically intellectual is probably the single greatest impediment inhibiting the growth of your relationship. Just be honest with yourself. I imagine there are other things that fascinate you beyond the realm of academia. Bring them up in your conversations and see where the magic flows. If he really digs you and is the ENTP that you proclaim, then he might relish the opportunity to explore them with you. It'll be like two friends holding each others hands as they prepare to embark on some incredible journey. The feeling is quite amazing. :kitteh:

Yeah, I was going to say something too about that. The last thing I would want was for someone to think they were not my equal. That would be more off-putting than anything else. At the end of the day, I gravitate towards people who challenge me. I don't want a protege.

Also, wouldn't it be normal, if he was your friend, to tell him that you broke up with your boyfriend because that's something you would expect you could tell a friend?

Also, I love talking about philosophy and psychology and other intellectual shit, but I also love making dick jokes too, and I would imagine he has a goofy side to him as well.

 

[katfoods]

Also, from the information you've given it seems like the only things you two converse about are philosophy, class related material, work, and butt-dialing. If that is the case, then your desire to appear so stoically intellectual is probably the single greatest impediment inhibiting the growth of your relationship.

We talk about those things and more and I know that he and I have the capacity to talk about a wide range of things to a depth-- we just haven't gotten there yet I'm not necessarily concerned about keeping some intellectual persona going with him, I'm just saying that I'd hate to be vulnerable if my feelings are not reciprocated is all. I don't care about how smart I am making myself look to him since we already seem to be on the same page intellectually, but I do care if I feel rejected, or not wanted— which makes me feel stupid to the guy I dig in that sense. But yeah, I could definitely branch out and talk about other stuff too

Thanks for your input, TinyTacos!

Seeds... seeds....

 

[TinyTacos]

Thanks for your input, TinyTacos!

Seeds... seeds....

Anytime! Just let us know how it turned out! roud: