[CooCooCaCha]

I'm ENFJ and I became friends with an INFJ recently. We had a class together and some mutual friends, and for a long time she was pretty aloof. But then we were talking one day, and kind of out of nowhere she apologized for something vaguely rude she'd done the week before, which I hadn't even thought about since (something I've heard INFJ's are known for) and after that we started talking a lot more and got very close very fast. It really felt like we'd known each other forever and could talk about anything. She would invite me over to her place before parties and at parties/dances we would basically spend the whole time together. If she had been a guy, based on the way she was acting, I wouldn't even have questioned that she had a thing for me. But I knew she wasn't openly gay/bi (I'm bi, but not really openly anything, I don't date too often in general), so I didn't think too much about it. She was also hooking up with a guy at the time who she was very attracted to.

Then one night at a bar she asked me if I'd ever kissed a girl before, and I said I hadn't (she had already told me that she'd made out with a girl once, I guess just to see). Then for the rest of the night (she was pretty drunk) she kept kissing me. I mentioned it to her a few days later, and she said she didn't remember and kind of awkwardly apologized. I just acted like I was hurt that she'd forgotten, and joked about it, but then a few nights later we were at an end of year event and we kissed several times again. She kept saying that "all the guys really wanted us to." And I mean, yes we were in public, but it was not that kind of kiss, and we definitely did not have any invested "audience."

We moved to different states, but when I finally visited her a few months later, I (a bit drunk) basically propositioned her, and she (sober) told me that she is "totally" straight.

So, my question, *finally!* is do you think she really just sees me as a friend who she just feels comfortable being physically intimate with (if so I've probably discouraged her), or do you think she does have feelings for me, or at least some level of attraction, that she isn't willing to admit?

I know this is kind of long, so thanks for reading this far.

 

[CooCooCaCha]

Just to add some details...

It seemed like we went from being acquaintances to "bffs" overnight. I've had that happen before when I was younger (not in a way that could be confused for romantic though) but it was always very superficial and a month later we'd realized we didn't even like each other. But this felt very real and very sudden. Suddenly I was invited everywhere, basically as her guest.

Do INFJs just get that excited about new friends in general? Because, like I said, had she been a guy or someone who is openly gay or bi, I wouldn't even questioned her interest.

Every time I would see her when she was out, and she had been drinking, she would get *very* excited to see me. And she always jokes that she's a completely different person when she drinks. Normally, she's reserved and sarcastic and dry. But when she's drunk she's excitable and very affectionate, verbally as well as physically. I'd assumed that her drunk persona was her letting her repressed side out, and that she was acting on things she really wanted to do sober, but now I'm starting to seriously think that we she drinks she does stupid things just for the hell of it, not because of any deep down desires.

Or hell, maybe she actually has two personalities. Cuz that's a thing...

 

[strafen]

Quite stumped by this scenario.
#1 INFJs aren't particularly known for indulging in alcohol and when they do (i don't drink sadly) I think they act like practically any other human being.

Plus as if being a homosexual/bisexual INFJ wasn't rare enough, it is really hard to get one to openly explain their thought processes due to the stereotypes that are often implanted on them as they open up.

About having two personalities, INFJs are known to method act a lot so that could explain it.

I think a lot of us really wish they could help but we have never seen such a scenario before If I were a gay INFJ I would gladly give you my opinion but I don't want to make any irresponsible assumptions.

Sorry.

 

[GoodOldDreamer]

Alcohol changes people. Can't really say what a common reaction might be under its influence. I don't bother with the stuff. *shrug*

That said, anytime I make a new friends with someone, I warm up to them quickly, yes. If you've made it into my circle, you've made a friend for life, heh. We can't really help it though. We're big-picture people. Friendships are meaningful to us. We don't just randomly befriend anyone and drop them on a whim the next day or something. )

But again, with alcohol involved, my comparison might not be valid. If mistakes are gonna happen, it's then. I'm very selective with who my friends are, but I've always been sober too.

 

[bengalcat]

Er

1. It might just be the alcohol. I can't relate to her behaviour and the effect it has on her but I know a lot of people who claim that so *shrugs* I suppose it's possible.

2. I definitely do get that excited about new friends. I would go from 0-60 in a few seconds if things were really vibing well between me and a new friend and they seemed just as enthused. If I was super excited and happy about the new friendship but they were being moderate about things, then I wouldn't be as obviously immoderate. But I have been known to get super attached to people I feel I click with and who feed back that energy. Usually ENFx.

3. This is just my totally speculative, uneducated guess, but I would say there was some genuine attraction there. If she really is INFJ... I don't think we're known to get that easily physically affectionate with people, particularly if we haven't known them long. I mean, again, the alcohol could be messing with this, but it could also be that she uses the alcohol as an excuse or as a way to be able to be free as she wants to be. I'm often pretty controlled and alcohol gives me that nice sense that I could go with my whims and what I really want to do more. (I'm still pretty controlled with alcohol too though.) But yeah... For me physical affection is like a huge badge of affection/attraction/happiness.

My thoughts are that she is attracted to you but not really sure she wants to be bi, just isn't really ready for it or has decided against it.

 

[CooCooCaCha]

Thanks

Thanks, everyone. I really appreciate the feedback, even if it's something you say haven't really encountered before. She's definitely an INFJ but, she is a weak N, and close to S on the scale. That might explain the love of dancing, etc. I do want to clarify, she is not a hardcore party girl. I've always steered clear of people who have to go out to the bars every couple of days in order to be happy (and there were a whole lot of people like that at our school). It's more like, now I have an embarrassingly low tolerance, but she will literally have one drink and be completely gone. And the reason we were at so many parties was because they were our end of senior year parties. I'm not trying to defend all the wanton debauchery (haha I use that term very conservatively), just trying to paint a clearer picture for you.

She is extremely involved in her religious community, and is certainly very liberal for her hometown, but pretty moderate for the city where we went to school. So I could see how she just wouldn't entertain it at all. But at the same time, her older brother is openly gay, and she's the only one in her family who doesn't think there's anything wrong with him.

We had initially bonded while talking about all the terrible dates we'd been on in our lives, and all the creepy experiences we'd had. (We both think there's something about us that attracts more than our share of nuts) and we also bonded over our lack of sexual experiences compared to our friends. And she did say more than once how she had no female friends in college who she was actually close with, so I could see her just genuinely being excited to have a bond with me at all. But after a while, it seemed like we were telling each other every time a guy spoke to one of us, and describing every single guy one of us marginally had a crush on. It made sense, on the context of how we initially got close, but it also felt to me like we were playing a game of "No ****."

And to be honest, I was excited to have such a strong bond with someone, too. It really is like we're on the same wavelength. I did always kind of admire her, but it did not start out this way at all. I think I'm one of those people who only becomes attracted to someone after I feel intimate with them. (It's way I hate identifying as bi. I really have little more than a passing interest in superficial sexy-time, or even dating. I just, oh, once and a while fall in love with one of my friends. Such is life.) So, our friendship is way more important to me anyway, and if she and I experience our love in different ways, that's okay. I'm just having trouble giving up on the idea, when this whole thing got past not one, not two, but basically all of screening processes. I'm ENFJ, if there's one thing I trust myself on, it's reading other people. I've been wrong plenty of times, but c'mon, never THIS wrong.

Again I really appreciate you guys taking the time to think about it. You aren't psychics (though you're the closest to it!) and I'm not looking for real answers. I mostly just wanted to get your opinions. I also just love INFJs. Let's be friends

 

[bengalcat]

She is extremely involved in her religious community, and is certainly very liberal for her hometown, but pretty moderate for the city where we went to school. So I could see how she just wouldn't entertain it at all. But at the same time, her older brother is openly gay, and she's the only one in her family who doesn't think there's anything wrong with him.

It's easier to come to terms with certain things in other people than it is in yourself. Anything that makes you have to reevaluate your identity is huge. I'm much better at being open-minded, compassionate and understanding with other people (especially close friends and relatives) than I am with myself. Accepting or acknowledging you're bi or gay isn't just about accepting the concept of it, but also about accepting a kind of new reality for yourself. I definitely think it can be easier for people who are bi since it is easier to defer the thinking and it's easier to question yourself while still blending in. But... I don't know, I wondered if I could be, theoretically, in high school, and then I found out a few years later that it was a real thing that I could be romantically and sexually attracted to a girl. (Though I too don't really see it as being bi in the sense that it's not about a binary gender system, it's about the person.) But even after that it took me some time in my head to come to terms with what that meant. Was I really prepared to openly date a woman? To tell my family? To raise a family with a woman? How do I identify when it comes to public sharing, should it be anyone else's business or do I do a disservice by not being vocal about not being straight? Being attracted to a person is the easy part.

Also, I'm not sure how much N/S has to do with dancing. I love dancing and I know Ss who hate it. Or if it does it might have to do with the functions but even then I doubt it.

 

[Coil]

I'm going to propose a different theory than those above me (keep in mind that it's just a theory though). Could it be that she is using you as a substitute for a guy? If there is one thing I know about INFJ's it's that we often have very high standards for our love interests. We're looking for that deep connection, that one person who truly understands us. We're not willing to jump into a relationship with some random person, but at the same time we long for intimacy. It can get lonely after a while. Basically, your friend has found exactly what she's looking for in you. The only problem, if she's speaking the truth, you are the wrong gender. So she takes what she can get (I apologize if that sounds harsh). She loves the intimacy she gets from you and the connection you two have, but for a relationship she's probably looking for a male version of you.

As I said, it's just a theory. Your situation just reminded me very much of something that happened to a friend of mine (who is coincidentally a gay ENFJ). At least it's worth considering.