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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I've just discovered that my dominant instinctual variant is Sexual. And, it helps explains a lot to me about some of my tendencies. I tend to be all or nothing. I seek intensity and depth. I am a very passionate person and can be rather obsessive in my romantic relationships. Not obsessive in the stalker sense where I follow people around and/or harass them.

But, in the sense I can't get them off of my mind and they dominate my thoughts sense. When I was younger, I ran many of intimates away because I came on too strong in relationships. When I stop to think about it though, it is not just limited to relationships. I can be the same way about ideas, interests, goals, etc.

The other thing with romantic relationships is that I want to know everything about them when I drawn to them (doesn't happen with everybody). I want to know their mind, soul, spirit. I want to connect with them on deep level however, many times I'm afraid at the same time. I yearn to find someone that I can merge with so to speak.

Not to become one like in the fairy tale sense. But to connect with them and know them so deeply that they feel like an extension of myself. At least that is the best way that I can describe it. If I'm not in a relationship or in one where I'm not drawn to the other person, then I will find substitutes for this energy like goals, ideas, interests, hobbies, etc.

For instance, if I set a goal, it's like I become one with the goal, I eat and sleep it. It's as if I pour my whole self into it and all my energy is channeled into reaching my goal and I will stop at nothing until I have achieved the goals. Same things with ideas, I research it, think about it excessively, discuss it, eat and sleep it until I have mastered or completely exhausted all avenues of exploring the ideas.

I find this energy hell to deal with at times because I feel like a smoldering volcano about to erupt. It feels like an insatiable, unbridled fire in my belly that is constantly lamenting "feed me Seymour". Everything feels intensified and in the excess. I get accused of being too angry, too intense, too deep, too complicated, too involved, too whatever.

But the common denominator is "too". I'm sure part of this is due to my core Enneagram type. However, I would like to know how other Dominant Sexual Instinct Subtypes relate to Sx.

Can you relate?

Edit: I know Sexual instinct doesn't necessarily correlate to sexual activities. But, for me it shows up in the sexual arena too in excess as nymphomaniac tendencies. When I was younger, I was very, very promiscuous in my quest to experience excitement and intensity.
 

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on the flipside, i don't relate to SX at ALL.

in fact, i avoid most intimacy. i love people and being around people, but actual intimacy, closeness, friendships, getting to know people beyond surface? no thanks. i also hate to be known. i like knowing others, but i don't really want to be understood deeply or "known" in the sense that i can be predicted and someone might know what i'm thinking. it's hard for me not to keep everyone at arms length. i'm uncomfortable with the attachments that come with friendships. even with PerC, i've found myself lately feeling like people are getting to know me too well, and it's been hard not to just totally flee. i have almost zero difficulty with cutting people out of my life, even people who have done nothing to me.

i've sometimes wondered if i have some sort of detachment disorder, or if i seriously lack empathy in some kind of clinical way.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
on the flipside, i don't relate to SX at ALL.

in fact, i avoid most intimacy. i love people and being around people, but actual intimacy, closeness, friendships, getting to know people beyond surface? no thanks. i also hate to be known. i like knowing others, but i don't really want to be understood deeply or "known" in the sense that i can be predicted and someone might know what i'm thinking. it's hard for me not to keep everyone at arms length. i'm uncomfortable with the attachments that come with friendships. even with PerC, i've found myself lately feeling like people are getting to know me too well, and it's been hard not to just totally flee. i have almost zero difficulty with cutting people out of my life, even people who have done nothing to me.

i've sometimes wondered if i have some sort of detachment disorder, or if i seriously lack empathy in some kind of clinical way.
Do you know your Instinctual Variant Stacking? Sounds like it's either So/Sp as So variant plays out differently and quite the opposite in type 5 from my understanding or Sp/So.

And, how in the world did you ever think you were a type 9? Type 9s basic fear is of loss and separation. Hmmmmmm...that's very interesting.
 

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Do you know your Instinctual Variant Stacking? Sounds like it's either So/Sp as So variant plays out differently and quite the opposite in type 5 from my understanding or Sp/So.

And, how in the world did you ever think you were a type 9? Type 9s basic fear is of loss and separation. Hmmmmmm...that's very interesting.
PerCers told me I was 9, and since i hadn't researched, it seemed plausible.
Edit: ^that's the problem with Enneagram...if your knowledge is only surface level you will inevitably mistype
my variant is SO/SP
 

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Yeah .. I think I'm an sx/sp So I can relate to a lot of this but not all of it.

My experience is an extremely hard one to describe with intimacy.

With my friends, I primarily seek friendships with the opposite gender and can feel completely at odds with my own gender because there's almost no chance of getting intimate there. I've only had 3 very intimate male friendships, whereas almost all of my friendships with women are intimate [non romantically, but emotionally intense]. I tend to want to get extremely close to my female friends by being there for them emotionally and even helping out with their problems in life. I don't have a hero complex at all because I like independent and voracious women as well. However, if a conversation with anyone is random and about typical every day stuff, I usually couldn't give a rat's ass and allow such relationships to fade and dissipate into nothing over time.

I need to feel close to someone and the only way I know is by knowing their feelings, thoughts, dreams, passions.

As for my romantic relationships .. I'm almost obsessive to a fault, but I'm also extremely independent and value independence and autonomy at the same time. I love a balanced relationship where we're both taking healthy breaks from each other with ample warning [in order to be mentally prepared to be away from her for a certain period]. I dislike being surprised at the last minute and I need to know in advance that she's going to be away for an extended period and for how long.

My body runs with the clock. If I'm told "Ok, I'll talk to you at 5:00pm" and that 5:00pm turns 10:00pm without a single notice or emergency, I feel my romantic feelings flicker a little and I become upset and feel unvalued and under-appreciated.

My thought process is .. "Ok, if it wasn't an emergency or a valid reason, then there's no harm in at least dropping in a quick message saying that it's gonna be 5 hours more." For me it's not about control, or dominating my partner - but about a feeling of feeling valued enough to be told when or when she'll be available to talk to me.

In such a case, I need immediate conflict resolution and an expression of my displeasure usually takes care of the issue. I don't consider this a weakness [even though I have been told that it's one in the past]. I have a limit of 7-8 hours without unexpected contact with my SO.

I'm not like that with my friends at all. I can stay out of touch with friends for years even without the connection fading.

Edit: btw .. I'll admit here .. I have an insatiable appetite when I'm sexually active. But I can also go extremely long periods without being sexually active at all. I've realized recently that perhaps demisexuality may be the only explanation for my hot and cold sexual behaviour. My ex just could not live up to my expectations of a healthy sex life .. she was too "vanilla" for me .. and we ended up never having sex because we disagreed on everything we liked (period).
 

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Discussion Starter #9
As for my romantic relationships .. I'm almost obsessive to a fault, but I'm also extremely independent and value independence and autonomy at the same time. I love a balanced relationship where we're both taking healthy breaks from each other with ample warning [in order to be mentally prepared to be away from her for a certain period]. I dislike being surprised at the last minute and I need to know in advance that she's going to be away for an extended period and for how long.
So, glad you said this. The desire for connection/merging for me in no way means attachment. I hope that makes sense. I have NO desire to be under anyone 24-7. I am very independent and autonomous and demand my space free of restrictions.

However, desire of connection/merging for me means to know someone on the deepest level possible. To explore and know the depths of their psyche, soul, heart, etc.

Edit: btw .. I'll admit here .. I have an insatiable appetite when I'm sexually active. But I can also go extremely long periods without being sexually active at all. I've realized recently that perhaps demisexuality may be the only explanation for my hot and cold sexual behaviour. My ex just could not live up to my expectations of a healthy sex life .. she was too "vanilla" for me .. and we ended up never having sex because we disagreed on everything we liked (period).
Question about demisexuality...would a statement like "my sex drive is high only when I'm in a dating relationship other than that I can take it or leave it" be reflective of someone who is demisexual? Also, do you think a demisexual would be interested in and/or partake in menage' a trois? I know these are off topic questions but I was curious.
 

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I've just discovered that my dominant instinctual variant is Sexual. And, it helps explains a lot to me about some of my tendencies. I tend to be all or nothing. I seek intensity and depth. I am a very passionate person and can be rather obsessive in my romantic relationships. Not obsessive in the stalker sense where I follow people around and/or harass them.

But, in the sense I can't get them off of my mind and they dominate my thoughts sense. When I was younger, I ran many of intimates away because I came on too strong in relationships. When I stop to think about it though, it is not just limited to relationships. I can be the same way about ideas, interests, goals, etc.

The other thing with romantic relationships is that I want to know everything about them when I drawn to them (doesn't happen with everybody). I want to know their mind, soul, spirit. I want to connect with them on deep level however, many times I'm afraid at the same time. I yearn to find someone that I can merge with so to speak.

Not to become one like in the fairy tale sense. But to connect with them and know them so deeply that they feel like an extension of myself. At least that is the best way that I can describe it. If I'm not in a relationship or in one where I'm not drawn to the other person, then I will find substitutes for this energy like goals, ideas, interests, hobbies, etc.

For instance, if I set a goal, it's like I become one with the goal, I eat and sleep it. It's as if I pour my whole self into it and all my energy is channeled into reaching my goal and I will stop at nothing until I have achieved the goals. Same things with ideas, I research it, think about it excessively, discuss it, eat and sleep it until I have mastered or completely exhausted all avenues of exploring the ideas.

I find this energy hell to deal with at times because I feel like a smoldering volcano about to erupt. It feels like an insatiable, unbridled fire in my belly that is constantly lamenting "feed me Seymour". Everything feels intensified and in the excess. I get accused of being too angry, too intense, too deep, too complicated, too involved, too whatever.

But the common denominator is "too". I'm sure part of this is due to my core Enneagram type. However, I would like to know how other Dominant Sexual Instinct Subtypes relate to Sx.

Can you relate?

Edit: I know Sexual instinct doesn't necessarily correlate to sexual activities. But, for me it shows up in the sexual arena too in excess as nymphomaniac tendencies. When I was younger, I was very, very promiscuous in my quest to experience excitement and intensity.
I've been thinking about my subtype a lot lately because I went off hormonal birth control after 8 years recently and I feel like my true sexual subtype instinct has come flooding back. I'm fantasizing like crazy, I feel way more intense, and I want sex all the time.

In my intimate relationships, I never came on too strong for others, but they seemed extremely attracted to the energy. Unfortunately I was usually not attracted to them so I would start to feel smothered and then break things off. When I feel a real, legitimate connection with someone, I do want to know everything about them, but because I'm a 5, I also get drained from too much interaction easily. So it's a kind of push-pull of intense, emotional connection for a short period of time, then withdrawing for a few days.

My sexual subtype really comes out in my sexual activities. Also because I'm a 5, it can be hard for me to ask for what I want in the bedroom, but ever since stopping HBC it's like I've become the dominant one - I'm encouraging him to push his boundaries and I think that's a real turn on for him too. I really feel like the sexual energy in our relationship is at a place it's never been.

I tend to get unhealthy when we become totally enmeshed, even if it's what I was striving for. When that happens my moodiness and anxiety is usually raised so I know it's not a good place to be. I like the closeness, but give me my space to work through my thoughts and emotions (and build anticipation). I want you to be there, but also to not crowd me. This has definitely made for a bit of a complicated dynamic but with my current partner it feels like we're in a very good place. I don't know what his subtype is but I'm quite sure sx isn't his dominant, which is actually a bit disappointing for me. I want him to be more confident with his sexuality and less questioning but I also realize that we can have a lot of fun as I encourage him to have more of that confidence.

My sexual subtype also really comes out in a flirty way. I realize in the last few months that I want to be wanted because it turns me on - and I don't care who is doing the wanting. I don't want to go out and have sex with random people, but the idea that I'm turning someone else on is a big turn on for me. I'm can be a very very flirtatious person if I want to be.
 

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Careful @sleepyhead, my sexual appetite post getting off the pill led to pregnancy, just to warn you. Unless that's why you got off... (it's good to hear from a 549 sx sp, I can really identify with what you say.)

I'm unsure if I'm sp/sx or sx/sp but I relate to all of this so well. At my most unhealthy, I even exhibited stalker-ish tendencies, embarrassingly enough.

I don't know, this whole thread is making me lean toward sx/sp...
 

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What you are describing here, @n2freedom, is why I ultimately decided against sp/sx and for sp/so. I don't relate to the intensity that drives sx subtypes. On the whole, I'm generally an open person, but real intimacy makes me uncomfortable. It could be one reason why I haven't gone looking for a relationship. I think I resisted acceptance of the so-second because of my inferior Fe and how so is often equated with desiring status, which I could give a rat's ass about.
 

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Careful @sleepyhead , my sexual appetite post getting off the pill led to pregnancy, just to warn you. Unless that's why you got off... (it's good to hear from a 549 sx sp, I can really identify with what you say.)

I'm unsure if I'm sp/sx or sx/sp but I relate to all of this so well. At my most unhealthy, I even exhibited stalker-ish tendencies, embarrassingly enough.

I don't know, this whole thread is making me lean toward sx/sp...
That's definitely my one big fear. We're being very careful and I'm also getting very acquainted with Fertility Awareness Method but I just can't imagine going back on the pill now. Kids are another 3-4 years down the line - it wouldn't be a disaster but not something we're trying for.

Until recently I actually thought I was sp/sx but once I started reading more it become painfully obvious I'm a sx/sp. This is what Riso and Hudson say about the sexual instinct in a 4 from The Wisdom of the Enneagram:

Infatuation. In the average range, sexual fours most exemplify the romanticism, intensity, and longing for a rescuer that characterize this type. They can be sweetly vulnerable and impressionable, but also aggressive and dynamic, especially in their self expression. There is an assertive, seemingly extroverted component to sexual fours, and unlike the other two variants, they are unlikely to let their romantic fantasies remain fantasies for very long. Often turbulent and stormy, their emotional lives revolve around the person they are attracted to. Intense feelings of admiration, longing, and hatred for the object of desire can all coexist. Sensual and seductive, they can also be jealous and possessive like Two's, and they want to be the only person that matters in the other's life. Sexual fours often have severe doubts about their own desirability, so they strive for accomplishments that will make them acceptable to the other - being a great artist or star - while being resentful of those who achieve those things.
Envy is also most clearly visible in this variant. Relationship problems arise because sexual fours often become romantically involved with people who have qualities that fours admire or want in themselves, but then end up envying and resenting the loved one for having these very qualities. Idealizing the other can quickly shift to rejecting them for their slightest flaws. At the same time, sexual fours are often attracted to people who are, for one reason or another, unavailable. They may spend a great deal of time longing to have the desirable other to themselves and detesting anyone who has the other's attention.
In the unhealthy range, intense envy of others can lead to a desire to sabotage them in order to get revenge. Unhealthy sexual fours unconsciously live by the adage, "misery loves company". ("If I'm going to suffer, so are you"). Sexual fours may create competitions and rivalries and feel completely justified in undoing their opponents or in hurting those who have disappointed them...they are prone to rapid shifts in their feelings towards others, even toward their protectors and loved ones. Their emotional chaos may lead them to rash acts of violence against themselves or the people they believe have frustrated their emotional needs.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
What you are describing here, @n2freedom, is why I ultimately decided against sp/sx and for sp/so. I don't relate to the intensity that drives sx subtypes. On the whole, I'm generally an open person, but real intimacy makes me uncomfortable. It could be one reason why I haven't gone looking for a relationship. I think I resisted acceptance of the so-second because of my inferior Fe and how so is often equated with desiring status, which I could give a rat's ass about.
I understand. Remember each type brings out different dimensions of the subtype. So it does not always manifest as desiring status. Particularly in type 9, So supports the basic desires and motivations of type 9. The focus of So as a subtype of 9 would be more about bringing people together and in keeping/making peace. It also seems to me that So energy would be more directed toward family than the community at large.
 

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Yes! I can relate. I experience the obsession part as well and have even stalked people in the past when in desperation/in doubt... There is a thread on the type 4 forum about the intensity of stackings. Here. I think most of the time I am sx/sp with strong sp, but then there are times (like this past month) where I have almost no sense of sp and relate to the sx/weak sp description. I'm completely impulsive, reckless, active and flirtatious... like a flood has come over me and I've surrendered. I'm also more in touch with 8, but not in a grounded way. I shed my introspective, melancholic demeanor and am just popping with electricity in my body and mind. I don't know if it's 'neurosis' or just my nature, but any stability in my life is sure going to shit... I wish I had more sx variants in my life. I feel a deep urge to just explore without boundaries, but not alone.
 

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I decided I am SX/SP a couple of days ago. I can relate. I feel at times that I am stalking a person to their face. I ask a lot of questions because I want to get to know them, but I think they don't perceive me as intense because the information seeking is in the format of a question.
 

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Yeah it is an obsession.

I've given up on finding someone to satisfy it. Frankly, that's a lot of energy to want to immerse oneself in with another person. I remember being a teenager and it being so so awesome. Nowadays, real life just doesn't work that perfectly.

In the mean time, I've focused that energy elsewhere. I come on too strong and the worst part of it all is people tell me I try to hard. What the hell does that mean? I like people and relationships are important to me.

I still think it is a cultural thing. Either way, I took that energy and put it into self improvement. Focusing my life energies elsewhere and looking away from my relationships. They tend to hurt me the most. Better to just hands off everything and stop caring so much.
 

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now i want to know why madhatter thinks she's a 9
Me too....being the linguistic master that she is......
Oh dear, now I'm being called out! haha Why's that? Did I say something that struck a 5-chord?

When I first got into Enneagram, someone told me I probably wasn't a core-5. He said I was too aware of people and their reactions. It seemed reasonable, so I started looking into other types. I went from 3, to 8; I didn't even consider 9. Ultimately, while reading about 8 and 9, something about 9 struck a chord in me...actually, it felt more like a sucker punch. I really related to the anger that drives the Instinctive triad.

But to be honest, I do relate to a lot of behaviors and traits of 5w6 too.
 
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