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Discussion Starter #1
I suppose I could have made this thread or merged it with my other one on here (is that possible?)

Anywho, I was wondering, does efforts to be friendly at work or in class happen since you feel the 'need' to?

And being friendly to others doesn't equate to wanting to become the person's friend, correct? If so, how do you make efforts / strides to show that, and what do you do with those you'd like to make someone a friend?
 

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I am a friendly guy, I can be quickly annoyed, but I am not a misantrope. I don't feel the need to be friendly, but in the work environment it also doesn't help to be a total outcast, so I put some energy in asking co workers about things that matter in their lives. It is not my nature, but it doesn't kill you either. And the benefits far outweigh the cost.

I have no idea how I make friends, but most of the time after some conversations it goes like, we should have lunch man or we should go out with a couple of people in the gym for example.

Sometimes initial clicks lead to longer term contacts and sometimes they water down.
 

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Hmm what is foreign about making friends? If presented with the opportunity to make a friend/offered to spend time together, do you always take it?
 

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Hmm what is foreign about making friends? If presented with the opportunity to make a friend/offered to spend time together, do you always take it?
No, I already have enough of them. It would mean either cut time with them to put in someone else or cutting back on my me time and the last thing certainly ain´t going to happen.

But once in a while I cycle thru people I deal with. I ditch some of them, who don´t bring me anything because we grew apart and I have room for new people that fit me better at that moment.
 

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Foreign is actually going somewhere and saying "now I will make friends". Friends happen, I don't make them. Which also means that I invest nothing -- or, at least, nothing of meaning. Presumably, you're friends because you like to spend time doing stuff together. That's hardly a calculated investment. People I invest time and energy in are people with whom I don't want to be friends, but with whom I decided I need to have a decent relationship with regardless. It's an inverse relation.

Also, yes it takes effort to socialise, but that's a different question (socialise == making polite talk at parties or whatever with no other aim than to not be an abrasive fuck. Sometimes, I have shits to give. Sometimes, I don't.)
 

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Discussion Starter #6
No, I already have enough of them. It would mean either cut time with them to put in someone else or cutting back on my me time and the last thing certainly ain´t going to happen.

But once in a while I cycle thru people I deal with. I ditch some of them, who don´t bring me anything because we grew apart and I have room for new people that fit me better at that moment.
Does that mean each friend brings/gives you something different?

Foreign is actually going somewhere and saying "now I will make friends". Friends happen, I don't make them. Which also means that I invest nothing -- or, at least, nothing of meaning. Presumably, you're friends because you like to spend time doing stuff together. That's hardly a calculated investment. People I invest time and energy in are people with whom I don't want to be friends, but with whom I decided I need to have a decent relationship with regardless. It's an inverse relation.

Also, yes it takes effort to socialise, but that's a different question (socialise == making polite talk at parties or whatever with no other aim than to not be an abrasive fuck. Sometimes, I have shits to give. Sometimes, I don't.)


Hmm, is the need due to stuff like networking/a transactional investment?
 

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For me probably relatively little compared to the general population (it comes naturally). Most of the time I don't even initiate it, basically people see me my minding my own damn business and think to themselves "hey, I bet that girl would really love if I disturbed her with useless chatter" and then proceed to do just that, sometimes its a nice conversation, more often than not its weird, but as long as I feel safe I don't see any reason to end the convo, so I just respond.

There are times when I do initiate conversation, its usually with people I already know though, or for a purpose.
 

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Does that mean each friend brings/gives you something different?
Not really. I don´t need anything from people and I seek people with the same mindset. It makes things more pure and people tend to be more honest and direct because of that.

However I bind over mutual interests and activities so yes, in that way, the people in my life share an interest.

People with the same mindset but no shared interest doesn´t work and rarely becomes anything. People with a shared activity but not the same mindset sometimes does. But these are the ones I cycle thru because I have a very low tolerance for bullshit and superficial yapping. And the definition of that changes with time and awareness.
 

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SLI ~ 4w3/6w5 ~ sp/sx ~ FUCK YOU 2020
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Anywho, I was wondering, does efforts to be friendly at work or in class happen since you feel the 'need' to?

And being friendly to others doesn't equate to wanting to become the person's friend, correct? If so, how do you make efforts / strides to show that, and what do you do with those you'd like to make someone a friend?
Even if I feel the need to be friendly at work or in class, I don't really go above the bare minimum of smiling at people and saying "hi," and maybe participating in small talk that they've initiated. I don't make large strides to show that I would like to be someone's friend.
 

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At work I kinda switch automatically (more extroverted) so I function better normally it doesn't feel too taxing, and yes it has nothing to do with friendship.
 

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It doesn't help when you're an aspie like me and have to work much harder to socialize. I've always struggled at that, which often gets me depressed because other humans seem to take it for granted. After being rejected so much by people over the years, mainly due to my awkward behavior, socializing is not even worth it to me.
 

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Depends, most the time it's effortless though if I dislike someone then it's uncomfortable for me to spend time with the person, unless I mock the person or whatever
 

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It doesn't help when you're an aspie like me snip
Hey aspie buddy :wink:

I'm an aspie too although you would never tell unless you knew what to look for. I don't have too many real friends. The way it works with me is, either, I don't like you and I have to put up with talking to you (usually as little as possible), I don't mind talking to you and will engage in conversation (like customers at work, assuming former does not apply) but it's kind of weird with my real friends as I normally keep myself to myself but always willing to help out whenever possible and sometimes end up going home quite late just doing nothing productive like maybe drinking or passenger rides as company if they have to go somewhere.
 

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Anywho, I was wondering, does efforts to be friendly at work or in class happen since you feel the 'need' to?

And being friendly to others doesn't equate to wanting to become the person's friend, correct? If so, how do you make efforts / strides to show that, and what do you do with those you'd like to make someone a friend?
Most often it takes no effort to be 'not not nice'. There's a clear distinction in me between 'nice' and 'not nice'. Acting or behaving 'not not nice' is my go-to normal everyday me. Being nice means, for me, putting effort in presenting yourself as above decent when engaging with people. The later doesn't take extra effort.

I have a job where I provide service. All kinds of service. I tend to give a lot more service than niceness. Something highly appreciated, it's a lot more appreciated than having someone being super nice and does tad crap at providing service. A job well-fucking-done while being 'not not nice' is from what I've seen a awesome sweet-spot to get along with everyone.
 

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The BIG problem with those with Asbergers is social situations and obvious social cues that others take for granted, we don't see these unless 'trained' to do so, this is where we really struggle
A bigger problem is idiots belittling those who ask questions or are clueless about all, certain or specific 'social cues'.
 

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It takes effort for me to socialize if I don't know the person well or am forced to initiate most of the conversation.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
It takes effort for me to socialize if I don't know the person well or am forced to initiate most of the conversation.
if you don't know the person well, does that mean they started the convo?

if you're initiating the conversation, is that out of curiosity or wanting to get to know them (this is under the assumption that you've talked before and still have to kick things off)
 
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