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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
i guess im a bit unhealthy, but my empathy is totally freaking scary.
its like i suck everyones emotional and mental illness problems onto my shoulders, and i simply cannot do a single thing to escape it if im in the same room as them.

and it comes from out THERE, like, like unknown! =S
i cannot predict at all where it will go, and if i establish a connection to someone, i cannot break it, and they usually use me to solve all their problems, and its very frustrating since i have my own problems too!

and when im feeling really good, these people look at me all angry because im being happy instead of solving their problems.. <.< (and their anger contaminates my happiness completely.)

i think its great to have empathy, but i just hate it often.
in my childhood, i had regular headaches because my mother would never meditate them away herself.

so, whats your stance on empathy?
 

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I think its a needed trait. Without it, we wouldnt really care about others. I don't always like mine because i do notice that even the slightest of anger or sadness from those around me gets sucked into me without me even talking to them. then i can't explain why i feel sad or angry after these situations
 

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No, I can't say I have ever felt that strongly before. Though I do consider myself a pretty empathetic person. Although, I will say that I don't think everyone's problems are worth my time. There are a lot of people in the world who enjoy using their problems to manipulate others. I try and hope most people are good, but I always have that thought in the back of my mind.

Honestly though, I don't find much joy in dealing with other people's emotions unless they are close friends. Or I am seeking out other's opinions online like here on this forum! :tongue:
 

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Oh yes!!! I feel you so much... From my point of view, it's really bad for my health. I'm putting all that negative energy on me and it can literally drown me. Even though it could be bad, it is a skill that we have. There are always disadvantages to having any type of skill. For us, it might suffocate our souls if we become empathetic all the time.
 

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Have you tried internally visualizing those connections then slowly retracting them?

For me music seems to help quite a bit as well, it usually draws focus away from those I'm empathically connected to and helps me find my center.

Honestly your entire post sounds like me about 3 years ago. What I feel is happening is the connections you're making are over powering and overriding your own emotions.

Is it possible that you have a hope that if you solve their emotional problems yours will be solved as well?
 
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I pity people who I should not pity. I pity serial killers because I think at one point they suffered from experienced that made into that and they could of been better.

I feel bad for people who wronged me personally because I feel as if they only wronged me because they need help with something and they had to result to hurting others.

I always felt bad for bullies. How low to you have to be to hurt other people to feel better. It saddens me.

I feel bad for alot of people. People who probably don't deserve second chances.
 

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It an important trait. However my empathy scares me. When I learn about serial killers, rapist, terrorists, I understand them. Their motivations and desires make sense. I can also empathizes with the victims, very confusing and strange.
 

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This sort of thing translated into co-dependency for me. As a child I had anxiety and nausea; IMO your headaches were kind of the same thing. Everything got a lot better when I was able to work through the co-dependency issues & make them go away.

It's also good to remember that it's not your job or duty or responsibility to "save" everyone you come across who seems to have an emotional problem. The very fact that we're introverts means that our focus is limited. You are not responsible for other people's happiness, no matter how much they may seem to blame you for it.

But yeah, not gonna lie, the over-empathy hasn't gone away completely. It's really hard not to get affected by other people's moods especially if they're projecting them onto you. I have to turn on a cold layer of Ti in self-defense :p Not sure if any of that helped, but it was my experience.
 

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YES! I totally understand what you are talking about! My empathy/compassion is killing me slowly... I've just realised that because of it, I can't have a healthy romantic relationship-and so the idea that a relationship in 2 is egoistical came to mind... I know I have a problem and I know the solution. However, I just won't solve it-it's like I'd feel guilty for being less compassionate and selfless, and more egoistical...
At the same time, my empathy is a good thing too. I can instantly relate to everyone. Because I'm an introvert, it's hard for me to socialise with, let's say, a group of 10 people, but if I take each person one by one, I can immediately perceive their emotions and talk to them about their feelings and problems for hours on end.
 
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Our empathy can be indeed overwhelming and we often end up in our infamous door-slam state, but it's a rather unique trait worth reserving for the people we truly care about and want to help, even help people we could perceive are good and our help would be worth the cause. As about the rest, over the years I've learned how to put whatever bothers me into a story and deal with it there through means that aren't "possible" for me in real life, but I can go over them in the story and get a happy ending. It lets me stay calm most of the time, I find it a fairly good solution, especially if sometimes you can actually write a whole chapter on the subject. There's also music, I have a few tracks I've listened to for years and don't mind listening again, there's something about it that can soothe my heartstrings, and that's great for us INFJs.
 

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YES! I totally understand what you are talking about! My empathy/compassion is killing me slowly... I've just realised that because of it, I can't have a healthy romantic relationship-and so the idea that a relationship in 2 is egoistical came to mind... I know I have a problem and I know the solution. However, I just won't solve it-it's like I'd feel guilty for being less compassionate and selfless, and more egoistical...
At the same time, my empathy is a good thing too. I can instantly relate to everyone. Because I'm an introvert, it's hard for me to socialise with, let's say, a group of 10 people, but if I take each person one by one, I can immediately perceive their emotions and talk to them about their feelings and problems for hours on end.
I wouldn't say can't have a healthy romantic relationship. In fact I would argue that it would enable a much deeper and more passion filled one at that.

Its also not really accurate to call it a problem either, and it is possible to shift between being focused externally and focused internally when it comes to emotions.

Let me put it this way, my policy is usually to ensure that my internal emotional climate is stable before I go about perceiving and helping others understand their feelings and problems. Another aspect of that policy is to hope that the person I'm helping would limit the amount of problems they share with me so that I won't get overloaded.

Its a work in progress though, I don't enjoy being egocentric(egotistical I feel is the wrong term to use for empaths) at times but its the only way to ensure I'm not completely overwhelmed and made use of and sometimes disregarded.
 
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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Have you tried internally visualizing those connections then slowly retracting them?

For me music seems to help quite a bit as well, it usually draws focus away from those I'm empathically connected to and helps me find my center.

Honestly your entire post sounds like me about 3 years ago. What I feel is happening is the connections you're making are over powering and overriding your own emotions.

Is it possible that you have a hope that if you solve their emotional problems yours will be solved as well?
they might be able to help me, but i know certain people do all of this much more efficiently, so it would be waste of time to solve problem A with person B in 10 hours, when person C could solve it in 5 minutes.

im trying to navigate so, that i would utilize my strengths for what i can do, and realize the differing strengths in people.

basically, when we have problems, we become so desperate that we dont think rationally, and people stop navigating between differing areas of expertise that people have.

and yeah, having an internal map of the people helps me alot. because then its not so unknown when i can understand it. my weak Ti has made it so, that i dont know what else to do than respond emotionally. when in fact, it might actually help them more if i have intelligible solutions/tips to their problems.
 

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It's also good to remember that it's not your job or duty or responsibility to "save" everyone you come across who seems to have an emotional problem. The very fact that we're introverts means that our focus is limited. You are not responsible for other people's happiness, no matter how much they may seem to blame you for it.
Realising this is one of the best things that I could've done in terms of my interactions with others. I think being so in tune with others emotions can be very overwhelming if you arent able to filter this in a healthy way. I would come across someone with emotional issues and not only feel the extent of them but see where the situation could head (positive and negative) and often became caught up in trying to bring about that positive outcome for person in question.

Recognising that it is impossible to 'save' people and learning how to let go, get some distance and even allowing them to contine on the possibly negative path without comment is something I'm very glad I learnt how to do.
 

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I pity people who I should not pity. I pity serial killers because I think at one point they suffered from experienced that made into that and they could of been better.

I feel bad for people who wronged me personally because I feel as if they only wronged me because they need help with something and they had to result to hurting others.

I always felt bad for bullies. How low to you have to be to hurt other people to feel better. It saddens me.

I feel bad for alot of people. People who probably don't deserve second chances.
Same problem with all of those. rofl Just can't seem to turn off even if I wanted to.
 

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Yes! When I connect with someone, it's like my soul is chained to them. Sometimes when my mind wanders I'll think of dangerous scenarios, e.g. what would happen if someone started a fight with my friend, and it gets me so worked up! Just thinking about it can push me to the edge. Empathy is a great gift, but it can also be very draining and painful as well.
 

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its like i suck everyones emotional and mental illness problems onto my shoulders, and i simply cannot do a single thing to escape it if im in the same room as them.

and it comes from out THERE, like, like unknown! =S
i cannot predict at all where it will go, and if i establish a connection to someone, i cannot break it, and they usually use me to solve all their problems, and its very frustrating since i have my own problems too!

and when im feeling really good, these people look at me all angry because im being happy instead of solving their problems.. <.< (and their anger contaminates my happiness completely.)
 

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I kind of feel bad when my INFJ cousin comes over, a lot of bad stuff has happened recently here. Most people are not picking up on the subconscious downer signals coming from around a lot of the people here. Every time she is out here though she looks so sad, and I know why. Not completely sad, but she is clearly more understanding of things in that almost psychic like way than most. Though I know its not really psychic, just a turn of phrase.
 
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