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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I was dating an INFJ fella for a couple of months, we connected immediately and bonded though we only saw each other a couple of months. It wasn't even supposed to be serious (as I had said initially, i don;t want a relationship, ive not been out of one long and .....i didnt say this....i basically needed to be on my own to work out my head from the bad relationship before) and it was only dating and nights in, though I think we both kind of ended up caring much more for one another than anticipated (im guessing on his part from verbal comms and body language anyway...).

He's going travelling over the winter, so I called an end to things in August. I miss him a lot as when you bond with someone, and you don't see them anymore...well its like a piece of you is missing...so in the meantime, I have tried to suggest meeting up but he always says "he doesnt know..."...so i have taken the assumption that for whatever reason, it doesnt sit well with him or it doesn't 'feel right'....i completely respect that, i respect him ...i think its possibly more likely to be this than he actually doesn't like me anymore - I hope anyway! I think that because of silly little things like him confiding in me about a dark secret hes ashamed about and body language, like hiding his mouth behind a cushion, falling asleep in my lap (aww!), just wanting to cuddle etc....Yer i know, i miss it too :)

Anyway, i have gotten him a sentimental gift for his travels and have had it engraved but i want to include a letter with the gift but im not sure whether to keep it simple or actually say how i feel about him, because im not sure he knows after i called it a day with him....Not as a kind of, i like you...go back out with me kinda thing....just more of a youre an amazing person and i really care about you, no matter how far away you are or how much we talk, ill always be there for you should you need me...kinda thing...

But im not sure how it will go down :dry:
 
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If I were in his place I would want distance too. You wrote him off but now you regret it. To want to go back to the sentimental stuff would play havoc with his emotions. I doubt he's written you off but I sure bet he's terrified of having his heart broken again. You'll need to approach this very delicately. Be absolutely honest and up front about what kind of relationship you wish to have with him.
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By all means tell him you think he's a wonderful person and you're going to miss him but please don't go overboard with the senitmental stuff - he obviously still has unresolved feelings for you and it's not fair to him when he's off travelling and won't see you to give him something to make his thoughts dwell on you constantly. Give him his space to enjoy his time away, and save the sentimental letter for when he gets back.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thanks that has definately given me a few more things to think about as I wasn't completwly certain about sending to him what Ive got (which is basicaly a travellers type charm thing i had imported from his home land - israel)

I doubt he's written you off but I sure bet he's terrified of having his heart broken again.
Thanks Sage, can I ask why you would think he hasn't written me off, because I feel like he has. sometimes replying to to texts, sometimes not and then receiving no reply when I wished him all the best on travels a few days ago...it just doesn't make sense too me, that if you like someone you wouldn't reply when they wish you well...Ive always been honest fromt he very start and coming out of a difficult relationship and into dating with someone who ive pretty much fallen for in a big way, I knew I was out of my depth and I told him that him leaving to travel would break me and that's why I couldn't see him anymore, even though clearly we had feelings for each other still.

We've always both believed that 'what will be will be' and Im completely open to fate hav ing its way with us. But I worry he is not aware of how I feel and how after he gets back I will be such much stronger and in a better place for a relationship. I just want him to know the door is still open so he doesn't close it at his ends thinking there is no chance....does that even make sense? lol

he obviously still has unresolved feelings for you and it's not fair to him when he's off travelling and won't see you to give him something to make his thoughts dwell on you constantly. Give him his space to enjoy his time away, and save the sentimental letter for when he gets back.
Thanks Kate, again, is it that obvious about the unresolved feelings? The more I think about it, I think it would be pretty selfish to send it and have this charm with him, even though its for travelling as it would be from me and therefore, he wouldn't really be getting the breathing space required and I want him to have that....I hope he's never thought I would stop him going because it was never on the agenda, Im not the sort to constrict or put pressure on.

I don't want to mess his head up even more by giving it to him now but another thought of mine is that if i save it til he's back, then he might be all sorted out and then I fuck his head up again....Which makes me want to send it now, then he has the option to take it with him or not and with it, put a note to stress that i want him to have it because he's an amazing person and deserves it....

Confused...
Thank you though this is all really helpful
Pie x
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Ive asked for this post to be moved ehre as I think he's more likely to be a ENFJ than a INFJ...Many thanks for the numerous posts on PerC about the differences between lol!

Pie x
 

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When an INFJ falls, they fall hard. Really hard. Those feelings linger on even after the separation, or doorslam, as some may call it. This evasiveness on his part may be 1) he needs time to let go, and 2) needs to separate you so you don't get anymore involved, and 3) so the lines can be clear between what was a blossoming romance and now a friendship. Now, obviously, all that has changed and you're hesitant to do anything because you know this situation is totally messed up. I ask you, how did he feel or did you think he felt when things were great between you? Do you think there's a chance to salvage that, whether or not he's going away for a while? If you can't be with him while he's gone then it's just a relationship of convenience and I say just let him go. But if you really want him, send him of with your token and wait for him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
1) he needs time to let go
I dont want him to let go! lol....I don't want to let go....I just feel he's getting further n further away the longer i remain out of contact...maybe a good thing, but maybe because he doesn't realise how willing I am to stick my heart on the line to get crushed for this....It something Ive always believed, for a shot at happiness you have to put your heart out there for the possibility of being scarificed because the feeling isnt mutual or whatever.....but on route, obviously, i dont want to hurt him again...But oh my days, if you want to be happy, why can't you just sod the rest of it and take a chance...maybe thats my ENFPness :tongue:

OK vent over....your question needs answering....

I ask you, how did he feel or did you think he felt when things were great between you? Do you think there's a chance to salvage that, whether or not he's going away for a while? If you can't be with him while he's gone then it's just a relationship of convenience and I say just let him go. But if you really want him, send him of with your token and wait for him.
Well im naive and probably not excellent at reading people, but I kinda think it was like me - And i thought (and think) the world of him (both good people, deeply caring, giving etc etc...we're just similar i guess). As for salvaging, I really don't know.....Ive spent some time thinking about this and I fear that next contact, that things will have changed and it will just be strained and neither of us will know what to say or do to make the situation better (maybe another reason for his avoidance?). Might be down to the feelings we have and the time we've not been in contact for.....But surely that shouldn't mean *case closed*? Maybe time will sort that out but I don't want him to forget about me (which sounds so lame, but we friggin connected and I can't just switch my feelings off like he can seem too - despite being fustrated at that, i do admire his strength). I dont want him to think I don't care as much as I do either, because maybe its an ENFP thing too, but when you let someone in your heart, that's it, there in their for life unless they seriously dis you.....Classic case of right person wrong time.....iritating

I can't see it being salvaged before he goes (2/3 weeks), because I dont think it would be right to drag it all up right beforehand - but then I worry if it isn't salvaged soon, it's going to be too far in the past to do anything about (it will be harder to do anything about anyway). Which is what leads me BACK to addressing certain things with him now.

So in essence (you can just scroll to this bit if you want...lol)
1. Give gift now, address the fact now that I have relly strong feelings for him and want to eventually 'hook' up again at some point and let him go off and have fun and come back and do whatever he pleases after that, knowing full well my intentions/desires etc.
2. Give gift now, point out I care, have him go have fun and come back and possibly never make contact again and im left thinking "what if..."


Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm



Im seriously banging on now and my laptop battery is about to give up so :cool:

Thank you
Night xx
 

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Everytime you post I go what an awesome person. I mean you to take to think about things and are very thoughtful. You know I think you have great ideas. If he is ENFJ in this case I believe you are doing the right thing. I would also add you might want to get one of those HUGELY over-sized cards to let him know how much you regret. In the case I think size matters. I really like those huge letters of course it may be because of age and I can't read small print! LOL! Just let him know how you feel!:happy:
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
LOL I cant stand those MASSIVE cards Jojo......cheesy, and i really don't want to come across like that at this particular moment....lol! But thanks for the sentiment, it made me smile while I was reading my emails from my bed first thing this mornign after my kids has finished their 'bouncing on mummys bed' wake up call :crazy: But thank you Jojo, your post about me being awesome :blushed: really made me smile, its great to be good feedback because I always have doubt there......as someone once said, its like trying to fill the grand caynon with a water pistol
er
I really am feeling the need to say what I feel and to hell with it if it fucks him up again (well i dont want to do that....) but for a shot at happiness and ive always been honest, its right to let the person know the truth isn't it?

What bugs me is that after reading alot on INFJ/ENFJ and how they crave that 'connection' and an understanding of their inner world, is that, I want that....we connected for sure but im not sure if he realises that I want to connect on that deeper level......and I actually feel I could, but maybe im imagining it....it gets confusing doesn't it lol...

I wonder also if he feels that I can connect with him but has reservations because doesn't want to get hurt/rejected again so is casting this feeling/thought aside on the basis that its not concrete and possibly its him idealising everything...he basically ignoring that the connection is there and chooses to carry on without conciously acknowledging. I know he can read me quite well - One example, when I was going through a turbulant few weeks after being assaulted by my ex and saying that I was a strong person despite being bruised on the outside, he briefly commented at being strong on the 'outside' meaning that inside it was probably quite different...he knew anyway, so the conversation didnt need to be taken any further because he understood me without the need for me to explain. OK its fairly obviously someone would be deeply scarred after something like that, but I just felt like he 'got it'...weird....anyway, there you go, its connection, ive yet to find an adequate explanation of it, only examples of it at work.

Anyway, I do need to let him know things just im feeling a longish letter coming on.....I write better than a talk, I deliberate for ages before doing this sort of things, mainly because Im opening myself up and being completely vunerable (probably why i find it harder to do face to face, just cant say what i mean, and when i try it comes out wrong or sounds false and cant actually look the person in the eye...which is terrible!). I don't go to that place with hardly anybody not even my ex's i don't think (combination of being afraid to 'go deep' at fear of being thought to be stupid or scare them off and being vunerable). In fact, there are three people I can recall i have written deeply to, my Mum, my Dad and my best girl friend. It could of couse all me misplaced trust and pointless because he wants to move on, but i trust him enough to say certain things to and have nothing further relationships wise with him other than the understanding that he knows the depth of me (innuendo? :tongue:...no lol) and he knows how i 'tick'...

Bleeting on again, blaaaaaaaaaaar...thoughts welcomed

Have a lovely day all
Pie (on the fly) x
 

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I think secretly you are ENFJ.......
Well Worst case scenario.. You can tell him JoJo on PerC thinks he is making the mistake of a lifetime if he does not give you a second chance.

Hmm.. new.. thought Poetry... via text
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I think secretly you are ENFJ.......
Well Worst case scenario.. You can tell him JoJo on PerC thinks he is making the mistake of a lifetime if he does not give you a second chance.

Hmm.. new.. thought Poetry... via text
Haha .....yes, then he'll come here and read all my posts (about him) and run off screaming MAD WOMAN!!! Ha, but thank you so much Jojo, you're words are everso comforting to my soul :cool:, if it isn't it be, it isn't and hope always that he finds his happiness and that i'll find mine...

Yer i think I exhibit traits from ENFJ too,at the very core of me is a deep connection longing bouncy thoughful person, there are so many levels...way to many to comprehend at my naive level of understanding of MBTI...

Ps. I update my previous post, not sure if you read that bit before posting your reply...i always think of extra bits to say....ENFP implusively hitting the post button, then thinking of more things to add LOL :crazy:

Always, Pie x
 

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Haha .....yes, then he'll come here and read all my posts (about him) and run off screaming MAD WOMAN!!! Ha, but thank you so much Jojo, you're words are everso comforting to my soul :cool:, if it isn't it be, it isn't and hope always that he finds his happiness and that i'll find mine...

Yer i think I exhibit traits from ENFJ too,at the very core of me is a deep connection longing bouncy thoughful person, there are so many levels...way to many to comprehend at my naive level of understanding of MBTI...

Ps. I update my previous post, not sure if you read that bit before posting your reply...i always think of extra bits to say....ENFP implusively hitting the post button, then thinking of more things to add LOL :crazy:

Always, Pie x
I read it now.... Now I am going to try and fill the grand canyon with a water pistol.

 
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