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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
A big part of it may be environment, and a big part may be just how I'm wired, but sort of wondering if I might be demi.

Now, I'm a girl, so the sexual spectrum quizzes may not be written very well for me. For example, women are not usually visually aroused, so those types of questions are going to skew differently, etc.

Here are a few reasons why I wonder if I'm demi:

* I don't enjoy em masturbation. Not to be tmi. It feels like rubbing my nose.
* I was shocked by the idea of having actual sex or doing sexual stuff in my adolescence. At around 14-15, making-out started to appeal to me, but the idea of sex freaked me out.
* I think one of my brothers may be asexual.
* I like the idea of romance, and any expression thereof, but have A.D.D. about it.
* I think about sex a lot and like to look at lingerie and buy panties and crap like that. I want a good sex life with the right person (and a lot of this is my monogamous and religious stripe of morality). I can't relate to the idea of being in a room of people and going with one of the options presented, the way most people can. I don't see relationships pragmatically, although I respect pragmatism as a reason for another person's marriage, etc. There needs to be a reason for me to be with someone. Not specifically "must be a best friend" or "must have amazing chemistry," etc., but any of those reasons can be a good reason.

So I don't know. One thing I thought about is that I had a lot more crushes in my adolescence. In my early adulthood, I had a really intense crush that took a good six years of effort to get over. The first three felt like the death of a spouse, and the second three felt like right after a breakup. The strange thing about this is that the intensity was, at least consciously, 100% romantic. Not sexual. I know that consciousness is sort of the tip of the iceberg of all that, and I have little doubt that I would have had sex with the guy, if given the opportunity, but I never thought about having sex with him once the whole time. Ever since that whole experience, I don't experience infatuation. I get crushes, but they're over with after about one month.

Something may be a little off. Not sure. I was pretty normal as a teenager, just not interested in the act of sex or anything beyond first base. I really, really liked boys and could form crushes easily. I did and still do think about sex very often, but not in way where I can picture it, if that makes sense. If I think about the actual act, it seems weird and I don't know if I'll like it. Who knows, I may, I may not. In theory, it's something that I really, really want. However, it's my own version of sex. If it's not the soft-focus, vague idea that I have, it's probably something totally different.

Another thing that I think about is that out of every 100,000 or so men I encounter, there will be one that I almost immediately have a histo-compatibility thing with. That's someone I get interested in. I would prefer to be with someone like that over a friendship that becomes something more. However, I don't crush hard or all that often in any direction. I've been crushing more frequently lately, but "crush" is not really even the right word. I'm over things really quickly. It's easy for me to lose focus. If there is that pheromonal histo-crush, I'll be able to maintain focus, but those things are so incredibly rare. I dunno...
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
It's just like this: I don't know if I actually want it sometimes. I'm surprised when a guy has good game and I get attracted. I easily get distracted from the feeling of attraction, but have thoughts interrupted by *thoughts* of romantic love or sex. I get over things really easily and don't emotionally fall hard, even though I want to. The biggest thing for me is the emotional A.D.D., but I have a pattern of "forgetting" or being distracted from some of my emotions, so this may be part of that. It's difficult for the emotional part of me to remain focused, or to remember a state of mind, kind of like poor muscle memory.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Oh god.

Here comes the wolf pack.

I sincerely wish you luck, OP.
On a scale of one to ten, wolf packs sound like barking to me. This site is all about people using people to fix their lives. As long as I'm doing a good job at that, no one can tell me otherwise.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Oh, and I should prolly add this: he really has to initiate. The idea of myself initiating is sexy in my head and fits my personality, but I don't think it could work irl. It's like that whole emotional A.D.D. thing where I doubt I'd have the focus, but if the other person had the focus, I'd prolly be okay.
 

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Going by what you've described, I'd say you are.
Sexuality is a personal matter and only you can decide how to define it.

Imposing rules and socially acceptable definitions of one's orientation is frankly ridiculous anyway.
You are who you are and seeking more self-understanding is always a good thing.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Going by what you've described, I'd say you are.
Sexuality is a personal matter and only you can decide how to define it.

Imposing rules and socially acceptable definitions of one's orientation is frankly ridiculous anyway.
You are who you are and seeking more self-understanding is always a good thing.
Thanks, that's helpful. I think demisexuality kind of sums things up the best any label can, but I understand that it only really scratches the surface. The way I see that category is that it's a form of asexuality, but less intensely expressed. Kind of like how Aspergers and Autism are the same thing, but expressed at different points on the spectrum, making them quite different. It's sort of the phenomenon of being horny in the way that someone with a moderate to high sex drive would be, but being turned-on by less. Well, that's me. :)
 

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I don't think you're demi. Being demisexual simply means you only experience secondary sexual attraction. Has nothing to do with any of the things you mentioned. I used to think I was demisexual, but later on I found out I'm just very picky, which sucks because I tend to be attracted to people who would never even look at me :p


EDIT: Also, demisexuality is NOT a form of asexuality. Asexuals experience NO sexual attraction. Demi is a subcategory of sexuals. Sexuals do experience sexual attraction, primary and secondary, and demi's only experience secondary sexual attractions, but it's still sexual attraction.
 
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I don't believe in demisexuality and I find it to be a label that confuses the situation rather than helping in any real way.

Any of the loves, compassion, friendship, or passion; can lead to the others. This transition can be fast or slow. It can be confusing when and if you compare your experience with other people. The mainstream (and many people) will persecute you for your differences in pace and timing and method. You have to bear up under this storm of criticism and unasked for advice and try to stay in touch with your own authentic voice.

It seems to me that you are young and that is fine of course. We all are at one point. With any age there is often inexperience and some degree of learning yourself still ahead. The younger the more likely this is a LOT of learning and experience.

When I was young and by that I mean in my teens and early 20s, sexual acts seemed devoid of passion. I had not yet learned to attach the passion in the moment. I was ungraceful. Bumped teeth and all that. Thrilling! And mortifying! I was so damn embarrassed. And masterbation felt forced and raw and could be wounding until I learned how to include the right mental imagery and use lubrication and such ... Oh boy! Getting in touch with what sends your lustiness to peaks is not as easy as it sounds at first and like any journey there are wondrous things and disastrous things to experience along the way. Just do not stop the journey!

Anyway, hopefully some of that helps. Your passion will grow and it will align with your compassion and your friendship ideal. When all of them fire together ... come back then and tell me with a straight face that you are demisexual. I might demicry if you do.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Yeah, the more I think about it, the more it seems like there are a variety of reasons for the way I'm attracted. I struggle with some anxiety, and so the way I handle most situations is to take action after I feel completely safe. Another element is that it's difficult to meet a smart and moral person who's in the range of average-looking. It seems like it would be easy, but oh man...
 

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Oh god.

Here comes the wolf pack.

I sincerely wish you luck, OP.
If there's any word that I've witnessed on this forum to be a lightening rod, it would have to be demi or demisexual.

:ninja:

 

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Another thing that I think about is that out of every 100,000 or so men I encounter, there will be one that I almost immediately have a histo-compatibility thing with.
Hahaha... If you been sniffing around a 100,000 guys, I can understand why you might have lost a sexual interest. Just hold your nose and dive in.

Maybe your are just nervous and fear rejection? Like so many American men? I get that impression about people who prefer to befriend the people they want to date. I say get your date and take a whiff. That's why gentlemen hold the door for ladies, he's doing his "hist-compatibility check" as she breezes on by.

Lastly, I'm not sure you've tried hard enough at being... sexual. I would explore the lace/lingerie thing. That might be your sexual starter.
 
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