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Discussion Starter #1
This is a question I've always wondered about - do you, as INFP's, find that you're drawn to people that seem to have some kind of "scar" or "damage" or seem to be "outcasts" in some fashion?

In romantic relationships or day-to-day friendships?

I tend to find that when I'm sitting and just watching people, the kind that my eyes tend to be drawn to are the awkward ones or the ones with that downcast look in their eyes, or the ones that seem to have that undercurrent of "I've been hurt but I really don't want my heart to shut down. I want you to talk to me but I don't."

I found that in college particularly I'd end up associating mostly with the quiet people (I had a few extroverted friends - who doesn't?), but especially those that I developed crushes or "interest" in at the time all seemed to have some kind of hurt.

I always had to do a gut-check, because you never want to get involved with someone out of compassion or pity, but it seemed like for me, there was a lot of "oh, I feel like I could be a positive influence in that person's life, or just give them someone to associate with because they seem lonely."

I know sometimes certain personality types just seem to band together - but is this more than that?

Do we have that "compassion" instinct that makes us just want to be "healers," whether that's to another INFP or any other personality type?
 

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Yes, yes, and yes.

I think part of it is because I have the urge to "heal" them, as you say. There's nothing more fulfilling to me than getting close to them, being allowed in that inner circle, and making them happy. I love seeing someone trust again, allow themselves to embrace the positive side of life, and get better in the process. It makes me downright ecstatic.

Another reason is maybe because I see part of myself in them, in the awkwardness and the damage. I can relate so much better than to people who are more simple and carefree. As a Four, I also have this fantasy"of being "found", of someone seeing in me what others cannot see. I always hoped for someone to sort of swoop in and save me from myself. I love being able to give that very thing back to them.
 

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YES! I am. I've found that when I'm in a new groups setting, I'll talk to the least talked-to. Hang out with the ones that others don't hang out with. My selfish side thinks, "I could be having fun with this larger group who now considers me an outcast as well" because sometimes these 'outcasts' will talk about things that I'm not even interested in. But my compassion is bigger than that; I try to be interested in what they're saying even though I don't understand any of it. So strange.

When I first read the title of this thread I perceived "hurting" as a verb, and unfortunately I can relate to that as well. Sometimes in the process of getting narrowly-focused people to "walk in my shoes" I dig them too deep and want them to reveal too much of themselves to the point where they feel vulnerable. I want to be too damn certain about what they feel--possibly because of some of my own insecurities.

Just like I want to 'heal' the hurt, sometimes I want to bring the high-horse people down to reality level. It's a crusade for balance, I guess.

As a Four, I also have this fantasy"of being "found", of someone seeing in me what others cannot see. I always hoped for someone to sort of swoop in and save me from myself. I love being able to give that very thing back to them.

I relate to this too (4w5), but damn, it's hard because I'm a man. More social awkwardness.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
@dog8food @kaleidoscope

Add another four to the list of those who have the "being found" fantasy.

And yes, as a guy, it's EXTREMELY awkward-feeling.

Like ... I appreciate the idea of the guy being the "pursuer," and yes, even with my personality, I've got some pursuit in me ;)

But really I just want somebody to look in my eyes and make an effort to take the time to get to know me and to see what's inside of me under my sometimes-awkward, not-terribly-exciting exterior.

Like in a Tim McGraw song - "Put some faith in me and someday you'll see there's a diamond under all this dust."

I just want somebody who'll make a concerted effort to find what's underneath. Kind of like "do to others what you would have them do to you."

Could it be that I do this for others, seek out the quiet and the hurt and the awkward because I want someone to do that for me?

I dunno ... but it makes sense, kinda, doesn't it?
 

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@icicle84

Makes PERFECT sense. I don't know about the awkwardness for a guy, but it's pretty awkward for me as well. I'm not one of those girls who just sit there and wait for Prince Charming, I like to meet the guy halfway. I guess it's more metaphorical for me. I just want someone to see beyond what I show everyone, and actually find who I really am.

I already wrote about this here, perhaps it'll make more sense: http://personalitycafe.com/type-4-f...ss-waiting-other-people-understand-you-5.html
 

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This is a question I've always wondered about - do you, as INFP's, find that you're drawn to people that seem to have some kind of "scar" or "damage" or seem to be "outcasts" in some fashion?
YES. I don't go looking for them, it just happens that we get along incredibly well.
 

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Okay so...I have an extraordinary story to tell. It may be an opportunity for me to change my career goal if I'm good at it.

I am currently working in a foundation as a volunteer. A superior of mine who is teaching me some bookkeeping and stuff had a major burnout from his previous job. He was the CEO of the Dutch Basketball Association. Now since I'm an INFP I should have healing skills I thought. But then again, I guess INFP's are divided between healing and hurting. And I am afraid I'm with the hurting type. However IF I could help this guy back to his level way faster I would be a huge added value. And I'd just do what I could do naturally. The question for me is: am I capable of healing naturally if I focus on it or not? I used to be with a few people with problems and was doing well sometimes in listening carefully and asking the right questions. I kind of make a complete story from someone's situation and once that's mapped out I make my conclusion.

Hmm. Sorry that my writing is a mess :laughing:
 

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Definitely, but I wouldn't have it any other way. There's a lot that I can relate to and usually we end up helping each other out. Not to mention they're some of the most interesting people you can meet. I'm young, so if I find someone my age who's hurting like that you can pretty much know they don't think like the rest of the world. It's nice finding outsiders who can help shape your worldview and it's nice when you can bring a little joy and understanding to theirs.
 
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Discussion Starter #9
(quoting from that thread)

I suppose you could say I'm "searching" instead of "waiting" for someone who intuitively understands me. Someone who immediately has a feel of who I am, who after a while really knows me to the core and is actually able to express back to me how they perceive me. I so desperately wish for someone to just swoop in, actively try to get to know me, fight back my defenses, and actually comprehend my inner workings, and come to love them. It's so much to ask, I know. It's the ultimate fantasy of mine, to meet someone who looks beyond the things almost anyone can notice, and actually gets to the core of me.

I go through life meeting people who indeed find me worth getting to know, but I feel like.. (analogy time) I'm this pond, and they just sit on the the edge, dip a few toes in, and it's enough for them. The best I'll get is "Oh, that feels nice, I think I'll stay like that for a while". It's not enough. I want someone who doesn't even bother testing the waters and literally dives in, because they need to immerse themselves in me, because it's just way too fucking hot outside and only throwing themselves in there will be satisfying enough.

I know the pond looks kind of murky and deep. I know you don't really know what you're going to find in there, but I think you won't regret it. At least.. I hope so.

The problem is, the few times this has happened, after a while, the water gets too cold for them, and they just have to get out of there.
Oh my word!!!

That's perfect! You put exactly what I've wanted for the longest time into words ... I may have to write a song with that inspiration.

'"Oh, that feels nice, I think I'll stay like that for a while". It's not enough. I want someone who doesn't even bother testing the waters and literally dives in, because they need to immerse themselves in me ...'

Yeah. Exactly. I'm not going to go the "poor me" route and dwell on the bad feelings, but if you knew how many times someone has said something directly to me that could be summed up just like that ... Sometimes I just wanna give an exasperated sigh and be like "Excuse me! I actually AM worth getting to know, if you can believe it!"

But maybe it's wishing too much, and maybe other people need to be slower in forming their friendships/relationships, and the deep, murky water intimidates them a little bit ... I'm not blaming my interpersonal "issues" on anyone else. I realize my hopes may be unrealistic, and their aversion may be unjustified ...

Still, it's good to hear it put into words that I'm like ... yeah. Exactly.

Thanks for that :)
 
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@icicle84 add me to the list too!
I actually met a girl once who actively showed interest in me and who I am, mostly because of my hobby.
I really liked her and all but she was already living with another guy and meh, I kinda gave up hope shortly after.
Alot happened that one day I met her, one I won't forget easily.
 

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In the friendship realm, my answer to this question would have to be no. I don't seek out friends; they find me. And the ones who seem drawn to me are generally the most emotionally "healthy" (what a loaded term, but I don't know how else to describe it).

But in romantic relationships -- yes, yes, YES. Out of the guys I've ever dated or had strong feelings for, the three I fell for the hardest were all emotionally damaged in one way or another (also all ESTPs, a third variable to add to the mix). Self-destructive, bitter, and past the point of giving any fucks about how messed up they were. And I think it was this that made them so damn attractive to me. Maybe there was some sort of underlying, subconscious fantasy about rescuing or healing them....that by accepting them as they were, damaged goods and all, they would feel safe. All I know is that I failed.

In a much more literal, casual way, I've also noticed that I have an unusual attraction to people with physical injuries. Guys on crutches, with casts, slings, etc....guys I would never/had never noticed without their injury, suddenly hold my attention. Maybe it's because I want to take care of them....who knows. My friends think it's absolutely bizarre; for me, it's second nature.
 

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Oh my word!!!

That's perfect! You put exactly what I've wanted for the longest time into words ... I may have to write a song with that inspiration.

'"Oh, that feels nice, I think I'll stay like that for a while". It's not enough. I want someone who doesn't even bother testing the waters and literally dives in, because they need to immerse themselves in me ...'

Yeah. Exactly. I'm not going to go the "poor me" route and dwell on the bad feelings, but if you knew how many times someone has said something directly to me that could be summed up just like that ... Sometimes I just wanna give an exasperated sigh and be like "Excuse me! I actually AM worth getting to know, if you can believe it!"

But maybe it's wishing too much, and maybe other people need to be slower in forming their friendships/relationships, and the deep, murky water intimidates them a little bit ... I'm not blaming my interpersonal "issues" on anyone else. I realize my hopes may be unrealistic, and their aversion may be unjustified ...

Still, it's good to hear it put into words that I'm like ... yeah. Exactly.

Thanks for that :)
Haha, no problem at all. I knew you'd be able to relate. Yeah, it's exasperating when people are just satisfied with a superficial understanding of you. "Oh, kaleidoscope is always smiling, she's so nice." I mean, I really crave for someone to look beyond that exterior. I myself cannot be satisfied just knowing someone close in such terms. I need to know them, figure out every single thing about them, their little quirks, what makes them tick. I want to see their ugliest and most beautiful sides. Anything less than that is so unfulfilling.

It's such a rare thing to find. I don't like playing martyr either, and my internal turmoil is my own, I don't ever expect to burden anyone else with it, but yeah. There's still that irrational fantasy of someone knowing me in depth, understanding and accepting me, and loving every second of it.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Haha, no problem at all. I knew you'd be able to relate. Yeah, it's exasperating when people are just satisfied with a superficial understanding of you. "Oh, kaleidoscope is always smiling, she's so nice." I mean, I really crave for someone to look beyond that exterior. I myself cannot be satisfied just knowing someone close in such terms. I need to know them, figure out every single thing about them, their little quirks, what makes them tick. I want to see their ugliest and most beautiful sides. Anything less than that is so unfulfilling.

It's such a rare thing to find. I don't like playing martyr either, and my internal turmoil is my own, I don't ever expect to burden anyone else with it, but yeah. There's still that irrational fantasy of someone knowing me in depth, understanding and accepting me, and loving every second of it.
I wish I could thank that 45 times.

I'm the same way - I want to be known deeply, but I also want to know deeply. And I think that intensity can be something that scares people off.

I think it may come off as "creepy" to some people, if they feel like we're taking an unnaturally intense interest in them.

I think it's more like - we have such a capacity to know and care deeply - it's not that we're being weird and "trying to hard" or something like that. It's that you gave us an opportunity by coming into our lives.

It's supposed to be appreciated. Not supposed to be something that turns you away. Ugh!

But I don't think "someone knowing me in depth, understanding and accepting me, and loving every second of it" is an "irrational fantasy." I'd probably call it a perfectly logical fantasy ;)

But seriously - it can happen.

I have one friend like that. He's my closest friend ever - if he were a woman I'd probably marry him! An INFJ he is, and a jolly good chap!

I thought I had that with my girlfriend I was with until recently. Not quite sure of her type, but I think she was an INTJ. In the end, I think she thought I tried to get too deep emotionally too fast, and she was never absolutely sure. Just another "I'm gonna sit around and dip my toes in for a while."
 
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@icicle84

Don't want to jinx it, but I believe it can happen as well :blushed: I'm kind of starting to, to be honest.

I'm sure it can happen to you as well. I don't think you should settle for less at all. You'll regret it so much if you do, trust me. Learn from your experience with that INTJ girl. I learned from mine with my ISTJ ex. He was exactly the "I'll dip my toes for a while"- disappointing :\
 

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I had a conversations with my roommate yesterday about how annoying it is that I put people (especially girls) on a pedestal and see them as somehow better than me because they are socially and emotionally healthy and "normal", and how I am able to quickly forgive people's flaws except for my own, and he pointed out that I keep going after girls who are particularly flawed and damaged. He was trying to convince me that just because I have a history of emotional issues doesn't mean I should only go for troubled girls, and he went as far as to tell me I totally deserve a healthy relationship with a happy, stable girl. I hadn't really thought much about it before, but I really do seek damaged girls. In fact it is a major qualifier for me, but I guess I'm a bit more selfish than some of you because I don't want to "fix" them, I just think they have a better chance of understanding my own hurt and will be less likely to drop me if I go through a period of depression.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
@icicle84

Don't want to jinx it, but I believe it can happen as well :blushed: I'm kind of starting to, to be honest.

I'm sure it can happen to you as well. I don't think you should settle for less at all. You'll regret it so much if you do, trust me. Learn from your experience with that INTJ girl. I learned from mine with my ISTJ ex. He was exactly the "I'll dip my toes for a while"- disappointing :\
Yeah. It will for both of us!

I honestly can't even hold any anger for her. She really tried at the start, and I think it was just something we should have realized early on there were too many differences. I credit her for hanging around as long as she did, but it was still heckuva disappointing (crushing, actually).

Still, I've gotten to "know myself" a lot in the month and a half since then, and I definitely learned a lot of things about other people, too. I know a lot of stuff to look for in other people, and now I know what to watch out for in myself too.

*sigh*

But yes. Faith. It will happen, and when you find that one in a million you'll be like "THANK HEAVEN I didn't end up with any of those shallow(er) people who would never have truly been comfortable with the depth I need in a relationship."
 
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YES! I am. I've found that when I'm in a new groups setting, I'll talk to the least talked-to. Hang out with the ones that others don't hang out with. My selfish side thinks, "I could be having fun with this larger group who now considers me an outcast as well" because sometimes these 'outcasts' will talk about things that I'm not even interested in. But my compassion is bigger than that; I try to be interested in what they're saying even though I don't understand any of it. So strange.

When I first read the title of this thread I perceived "hurting" as a verb, and unfortunately I can relate to that as well. Sometimes in the process of getting narrowly-focused people to "walk in my shoes" I dig them too deep and want them to reveal too much of themselves to the point where they feel vulnerable. I want to be too damn certain about what they feel--possibly because of some of my own insecurities.

Just like I want to 'heal' the hurt, sometimes I want to bring the high-horse people down to reality level. It's a crusade for balance, I guess.


I relate to this too (4w5), but damn, it's hard because I'm a man. More social awkwardness.
I can understand this need to lead by example. I am a big proponent of it. I enjoy it as a sort of bad ass rebelliousness though. I get off on it so to speak, pardon the language. I mean, if I see certain people treated like shit or that, a lot of times I will focus myself on that person, to make them feel good, and to mock those around me. The purpose is actually two fold. Sometimes I get other to follow my lead. It is subliminal, but profound. Most people want my attention. So if I withhold it from them, they want to know why they didn't qualify. They either smarten up and I let them into my little circle (circle of trust no haha but circle nonetheless) or I shun them and treat them of no value or consequence. I can be a mean bitch if I want to. I do what I have to do. Best not to go over or under on this one. This revealing too much is best to stay away from. If you just listen, watch, eye contact, even touch their hand if you can be comfortable with it, it is so comforting to them. Do not be afraid. There is so much power in a loving touch. Try it.
 

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Definitely. Almost all my friends are from broken homes, or had very difficult childhoods. I find that people who have had difficulties in their lives have this depth of character that I respond to.
 

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Partly it may be I know they will benefit from merely having a friend, and I've had "damaged" friends that I've tried, by giving them acceptance and a place to open up, empower or teach them it's ok to be themself. (This either works or makes them resentful because they are actually fine on their own). But another part of it is, these people are safe. I know they will not reject me. And being around those who are "lesser" makes you feel a little more "in control". I'm not saying these are necessarily good feelings, but they aren't necessarily bad either. Depends on how the interaction developes. For the most part we briefly connect and drift out separate ways, none the lesser for it. A potential bad thing is when I be-friend someone like this, occasionaly their more sheltered, hurting nature makes them want to "own" their friends; they rationalize it as loyalty but it has more to do with providing secuirty for themself, and they resent my other connections. A couple times these friends have broken off connections with me because I did exclusively devote myself to an us against them mentality, instead I would try to break that mentality, and they'd find someone else to bring into a more stable, private fold.
 
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