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I was in high school when I realized I didn't want to go further on that road: college degree, master degree, one of the respectable careers, PhD... It all looked like a big scam. I haven't changed my opinion ever since, but now I'm late on my twenties, and still haven't found something I want to do. There's lots of possibilities nowadays, but I feel stuck between them without nothing actually attracting me away from the void.

Living in a shithole, working when I run out of money, reading all the time, and frying my brain with porn and, occasionally, drugs when I can't stand this anymore. And every alternative presents a bleak future: learning things I don't care about to get certificates? Working meaningless menial jobs for people I despise, since I lack the former?

As for trying something new, I feel dry. There are lots of books about "doing your own thing," becoming an entrepreneur, but I feel out of touch with myself, with my feelings, with my very soul—how could I come up with something innovative, useful, worthy? I feel myself unable to be creative right now.

Sure, in a way there's something I crave: to be left alone, away from most people I know, but "misanthrope" is not a profession, is it? I despair.
 

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I'm in a similar situation. The problem is depression, it puts you into survival mode where you're unable to be creative or productive, life becomes intolerable, and the only desire is to get away from everything. Quite honestly, as long as you have depression there probably isn't any good job for you, because depression takes the good out of everything. If that's the case, getting a higher degree or certificate won't help. My suggestion would be to make recovery your top priority in life. This means doing whatever it takes, seeing a therapist, going on antidepressants, even if you don't believe they will work.
 

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Do you have an unemployment office or municipality center or something like that where you can ask if they can help you to supply a little loan for like ...40 000 pounds and then could you ask your bank if they would loan you cash to buy your self a desent flat? I recommand living alone rather then with someone else but I know it's like hell for you right now. Try to beg them! See if someone who loves and knows you can write a letter to them and explain the situation and ask gently for a loan. By all means; let them see your face and get used to it!! Let them remember your name when they see it in their post. If that doesn't work, can you see a lawyer or ask the meyer for help? Could you write letters to the paper and explain your situation? What is it mostly you are unhappy with in the place you live at the moment and how do you wish it would be? Help might be closer then you expect right now if you just hang on and try hard every day, you might find some individual who actually care enough to help you...Have you thought about taking to jobs at the time...for exsample if you have 2 jobs that are interesting but not so well paid, maybe you could combine them/ do both of them to get a descent income? What kind of job is it that you would do if you HAD to choose one? I know you are not motivated to do stuff right now, but things might change later on for you! Promice.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
@Recede: You got it. But soon I'll have two decades worth of experience with depression under my belt, and most of the time I can manage it quite well, except when it gets mixed with other stuff—addiction, living in some terrible places, or both. I can't afford therapy or antidepressants right now, but I've tried those in the past, and, you know what, living in a place where I don't have to be tense all the time, specially when I'm all by myself, where I can go out for a run without worrying whether that guy is carrying a gun, well, that beats every other treatment.

@Electra2: That's some good thinking, Electra2, but this isn't that kind of place. Best loan I could get right now would be around 230 pounds, 400 if I'm really "lucky"—my country's currency is really weak. As for the mayor, if I could somehow prove that I had voted for him, I guess he could finance a trip for a different city if our hospitals didn't have something I needed (such as an ICU), which is really common, or help my buy a goat or something, but other than that... no cigar. My city doesn't have a paper I could write to, by the way; I could send something to the major ones, on the great metropolis, but my story is basically anybody else's story + introversion + depression. Everything is decaying here. But never mind! I've found a goal, which is what I was missing. I will leave this nightmarish place behind and flourish elsewhere.
 

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@Recede: You got it. But soon I'll have two decades worth of experience with depression under my belt, and most of the time I can manage it quite well, except when it gets mixed with other stuff—addiction, living in some terrible places, or both. I can't afford therapy or antidepressants right now, but I've tried those in the past, and, you know what, living in a place where I don't have to be tense all the time, specially when I'm all by myself, where I can go out for a run without worrying whether that guy is carrying a gun, well, that beats every other treatment.

@Electra2: That's some good thinking, Electra2, but this isn't that kind of place. Best loan I could get right now would be around 230 pounds, 400 if I'm really "lucky"—my country's currency is really weak. As for the mayor, if I could somehow prove that I had voted for him, I guess he could finance a trip for a different city if our hospitals didn't have something I needed (such as an ICU), which is really common, or help my buy a goat or something, but other than that... no cigar. My city doesn't have a paper I could write to, by the way; I could send something to the major ones, on the great metropolis, but my story is basically anybody else's story + introversion + depression. Everything is decaying here. But never mind! I've found a goal, which is what I was missing. I will leave this nightmarish place behind and flourish elsewhere.
I will try to think of things that could help :hug:
 

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May I ask what part of the world you live in (europe/america/asia/oceania/afrika?)
When you move to another place have you made a plan
a. how to find a flat
b.where to find a flat
c.how to provide for the flat
d.how to get a job
e.how to get food and water
f.does the flat have a toilet
g.do you have a finished education
h. do u have job experience
j. do you have family and friends in this current town
k.do you have family and friends somewhere else
(don't write the name of the town in case you do)
l. can you find a job through the internet
m. have you asked anyone for help
n. did it help?
o. is there anyone else you can ask for help?
p.will you have enough food,water and cloths when you travel to you new city?
q.do you believe your chances are good there?
r. Will you be safe there? Or are you more "safe" where you are now?
s.how will you protect your self?
t. do you have dept?
u. have you set a list of goals, plan a and plan b?
v.How will you keep in touch with friends and family?
w.what job would you try to get and do you think you will manage it?
x. can you take an online course in something for example computer programming?
z.how will you wash your cloths

Sorry if this list seem very weird
 

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I can relate.

Well let me break it to you, no job is interesting or meaningful by itself. A special few people will do jobs they like, but still there's going to be bits you dislike/hate or times when you don't feel like getting out of bed. That's little to do with the job itself usually. It's to do with your boss, colleagues, working conditions etc. Even a menial job can be fun if you were to work with friendly people and a boss that respects and appreciates you.

What's the solution? Try to improve your day to day life step by step. Is moving to a better place going to help? Take steps to make this happen, even if it means you're working two minimum pay jobs (trust me I've been there).

Think long and hard about if a certain employment would be enjoyable or at least tolerable to you. If you need to go back to school/uni by all means look into it. Worse case scenario you'll do something different for a couple of years, amass a lot of debt and get back to square one, but with more qualifications and life experience to balance it off.
 

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Discussion Starter #8 (Edited)
@Electra2, you're lovely, you know that? Wish I could give you a flower or something.

About your list, I'll send you a personal message.

@Aridela: I've worked different jobs, in different places, so I'm beyond looking for something I'd like consider fulfilling—no, I'm glad enough with that which can be tolerated. Sometimes there are nice workplaces, friendly co-workers and all that, but I can only afford to eat four of five times every week; sometimes I have to work with some nasty people, but then there's enough money to eat—and to buy books! Whatever it is, I keep going. I get sick, but I keep going. On occasion, I just can't bear the thought of getting up and going back there, but I get up and go. I grind on. I survive. However, surviving isn't enough, and that's why I posted here.

But it's like I wrote above, I have a goal now. I guess it's acceptable to want a minimum for stability, the bare conditions to just be at ease while being myself. I don't mind poverty of this place, and as for the danger, what really messes with me is not being allowed to do anything about it. The entire world seems to be going nuts, but it's impossible that everywhere will look like this place, so I must look for something else.

It's hard enough to maintain balance by default, so if I have to go back to college (which, whatever it means elsewhere, is torture here), I want it to be the real thing, not a massive ponzi scheme—the picture for the educational system. I'll look for other options. I'll find a way. I must. Like you said, step by step.
 

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I was in high school when I realized I didn't want to go further on that road: college degree, master degree, one of the respectable careers, PhD... It all looked like a big scam. I haven't changed my opinion ever since, but now I'm late on my twenties, and still haven't found something I want to do. There's lots of possibilities nowadays, but I feel stuck between them without nothing actually attracting me away from the void.

Living in a shithole, working when I run out of money, reading all the time, and frying my brain with porn and, occasionally, drugs when I can't stand this anymore. And every alternative presents a bleak future: learning things I don't care about to get certificates? Working meaningless menial jobs for people I despise, since I lack the former?

As for trying something new, I feel dry. There are lots of books about "doing your own thing," becoming an entrepreneur, but I feel out of touch with myself, with my feelings, with my very soul—how could I come up with something innovative, useful, worthy? I feel myself unable to be creative right now.

Sure, in a way there's something I crave: to be left alone, away from most people I know, but "misanthrope" is not a profession, is it? I despair.
I think it helps to have solid goals to light a fire under your ass. Like for example, you say you live in a shithole and want to be away from everyone. Maybe a goal could be to save enough money to move to the country for while or something, like live in a nice mountain retreat/apartment/house rental for a year or something. In order to do that you would need the means to support yourself. You probably won't be able to do that (save enough money) on a menial job wage so you would have incentive to fast track to a better paying job. Then it wouldn't be learning about something you don't care about, but applying yourself to the means to afford the getaway. That's just an example of a goal, don't know how appealing it seems to you. Are you getting what I'm saying? I guess my advice to you otherwise would be to start actively daydreaming. Allow your imagination to guide you to finding what you really want out of this life, or else it will be over before you get to do anything with it and it will just be a string of menial jobs and the struggle to survive. I mean, not saying you couldn't be happy with just that or anything. I think happiness is more of an internal state of mind rather than an outcome of our situations. (Not saying situations can't cause happiness.) BUt if you are feeling discontent and out of touch with yourself , maybe that will help.
 

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@Elektra2, you're lovely, you know that? Wish I could give you a flower or something.

About your list, I'll send you a personal message.

@Aridela: I've worked different jobs, in different places, so I'm beyond looking for something I'd like consider fulfilling—no, I'm glad enough with that which can be tolerated. Sometimes there are nice workplaces, friendly co-workers and all that, but I can only afford to eat four of five times every week; sometimes I have to work with some nasty people, but then there's enough money to eat—and to buy books! Whatever it is, I keep going. I get sick, but I keep going. On occasion, I just can't bear the thought of getting up and going back there, but I get up and go. I grind on. I survive. However, surviving isn't enough, and that's why I posted here.

But it's like I wrote above, I have a goal now. I guess it's acceptable to want a minimum for stability, the bare conditions to just be at ease while being myself. I don't mind poverty of this place, and as for the danger, what really messes with me is not being allowed to do anything about it. The entire world seems to be going nuts, but it's impossible that everywhere will look like this place, so I must look for something else.
It's hard enough to maintain balance by default, so if I have to go back to college (which, whatever it means elsewhere, is torture here), I want it to be the real thing, not a massive ponzi scheme—the picture for the educational system. I'll look for other options. I'll find a way. I must. Like you said, step by step.
That answer was more then enough, you made me really happy and I will live on it for a long time now! :sun-smiley: :hug:

I just got an idea. If you can do this you can help not only your self but potentionally a lot of other people in your situation-because it can make it easier for people to know how to help on a more concrete and accurate level.
I would like you to list 100 of the most important items that is of primal need right now. If you feel like doing more or less then this I really understand. I know you need a lot more this is just items to get your head above the water. I am also very interested in knowing if there are general... situations or things that put sticks in your wheels and stop your progression! Anything that can help
 

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Discussion Starter #11 (Edited)
@starrykitty, yes, I get what you mean, and that's what I decided to do, though I'm working on the details. Learning itself is never a problem for me, and where I'm lacking in practical interests, so to speak, my intellectual curiosity abounds, but I do have a problem with formal education, at least the way we have it. Costly make believe. But I'm working on alternatives.

@Electra2: No kidding, you're my favourite member of this forum. Now then, when it comes to primal needs, I don't really need many things, and certainly not 100 of them. Let's see: a place I can call home, contact with people I care about and who stimulate me (emotionally, intellectually), silence (or at least not constant noise), relative safety, water, enough to eat, enough clothing, shoes... I think these are the basics.

The kind of thing that put sticks into my wheels... it comes out of some of what is missing from the list above. Like safety. This is a country international tourists get warned about in the agencies—and when people watch the news about something happening here, they don't get surprised. It's easy to get shot, or to start a fight. Sometimes it takes a slight offense—actual or imagined—but there are times when just being different, sticking out in any way, is enough to cause a problem down the way. It makes interaction taxing.

Or take contact with stimulating people. Sometimes I read something, or I watch something, and it fills me with awe, it makes my heart beat harder, and I want to share that experience with someone, but there's no one I can share with. If it comes from books, people don't read, period. If it's something watchable, and it's about feelings, they simply don't get it. Depending of the kind of film, they can get even angry about it. Or they will make fun of it.

I can't, of course, talk about ideas. Most rarely care. Some do, but in a political way, so they will just think what had been previously thought for them, and so there won't be a conversation, but a discourse—or a flamed discussion. Or they care somewhat, and are somewhat interested, but they struggle to understand, maybe they don't know the terminology—not technical terms, but some simple words of their own language ("what does 'procrastinate' even mean?")—or they just aren't used to this kind of stuff, but the dialogue never reaches a productive level—they get something for it, but not me.

Or I just want to read a book, but it's too loud: people watching TV, and outside people having the daily party, and there's no civilized way to get them to take it easy, because this isn't civilization, and the ensuing interaction can be dangerous: someone is always hot-headed, at least someone is armed with something... well, some situations change quickly.

The thing is, I want to experience civilization, before there's nothing left of it outside. That pretty much sums it up, when it comes to mundane needs.
 

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"I feel stuck in life, I don't want anything."

I felt like this for the past seven years. And I really didn't do anything either.

Now that the urge to do something with my life has hit me again, I feel like I have to do everything real fast to catch up for those seven years that now feel wasted.
 

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@Shroud Shifter, I think that's a trap, trying to catch up. I've wasted a lot of time, but it won't come back, and I think it would feel like trying to use my fingers to grab spilled water. I'll be good enough if I manage to make the best of what I have from now one.
 
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