Personality Cafe banner

1 - 18 of 18 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
316 Posts
Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I'm wondering, are any of you guys emotionally handicapped? What I seek is thoughts on being more well balanced, and actually either developing ways to be able to deal with situations where emotions are involved i.e. dating and the like or your experiences with situations like this.

I am awkward from what I've heard, and am a bit robotic to the point that these situations aren't great for me to be in with the average person practicing typical amorous behavior because I automatically feel as though I want them to stop/or feel sickly smothered. I also don't experience much variation in emotion too often, and am too apathetic for my own good most of the time, so i'm sure you see how this would be a hindrance with dating and shit.

If this sounds anything like you, how do you deal with dating and the like. I've recently been wondering if maybe I should learn to "feel" and "care" more, or find away to adapt to these customary acts of affection if I am ever going to get into relationship-like things. I don't know. I think this seems a bit redundant but, meh, it was just a thought so I thought i'd ask other INTPs what their experiences/ thoughts would be. I've met other INTPs that do not have this issue from what I hear so… maybe this is just exclusive to me.

I don't want the emotional intimacy at the moment, but I guess I worry that one day I may want it and will regret being apathetic to it at this age. It seems like something I don't wish to deal with at the moment, yet I know I should begin to soften up to it or something. I would like to not feel uncomfortable and smothered when things of these nature occur to me as well. The idea of friends with benefits is the most appealing to me, but this isn't the sort of relationship i'd want to one day be okay with having. It's more of the, dating sorta of thing.

So how do you all deal with it if it's an issue? Are you still uncomfortable with it at first? What's the process like for you? All thoughts welcome, etc, yadah.

Thanks.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
279 Posts
Emotionally Unstable Situations: If you are like me, you have a hard time empathizing. You can only feign it. Your best bet is to just stay quiet and listen. I've been told I'm a good listener and don't judge. If you do decide to speak, only summarize what they say to show that you're listening. You'll be inclined to just give the most logical, efficient course of action as a solution, but that's not what they want. Which is confusing right? They just want you to listen. After a few of their sentences, change the subject if you want. Those few sentences allow them to relieve some internal stress.

Dating: This goes with dating also. She might be in an emotional fluster, but don't try to be her emotional hero. Leaver her alone. It passes and she comes back to you. Don't keep asking, "what's wrong?". If she says she doesn't want to talk about it or there's nothing wrong, leave it alone. The things that make her flustered will be unfathomable because you can't empathize, your girlfriend knows this about you already. Just let it roll over. This was my experience with my first girl friend.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
316 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
I can read people emotionally but I can't express it as well as some people would like. Strangely enough I find myself attracted to F types.
Same here pretty much, except my issue also incorporates the discomfort and dislike of the situation. I do think I myself have a certain admiration for F types as well, to the point that some time ago when I was in a very unhealthy state, I went about attempting to be one. That was some years ago.


Emotionally Unstable Situations: If you are like me, you have a hard time empathizing. You can only feign it. Your best bet is to just stay quiet and listen. I've been told I'm a good listener and don't judge. If you do decide to speak, only summarize what they say to show that you're listening. You'll be inclined to just give the most logical, efficient course of action as a solution, but that's not what they want. Which is confusing right? They just want you to listen. After a few of their sentences, change the subject if you want. Those few sentences allow them to relieve some internal stress.

Dating: This goes with dating also. She might be in an emotional fluster, but don't try to be her emotional hero. Leaver her alone. It passes and she comes back to you. Don't keep asking, "what's wrong?". If she says she doesn't want to talk about it or there's nothing wrong, leave it alone. The things that make her flustered will be unfathomable because you can't empathize, your girlfriend knows this about you already. Just let it roll over. This was my experience with my first girl friend.

Hmmm, I actually already behave in this manner. I do have a difficult time with it, but this isn't really my issue as I have learned over time how to work and handle these situations. It is somewhat similar to you as well. I've learned that people prefer me to just listen.(I used to sort of assume they wanted advice and it was difficult to differentiate when to listen vs. when to say something.) After people speak to me, if I know them well enough I follow with a a phrase that "demonstrates" empathy, and they tend to already know I've learned to not give an opinion about the situation as I know some don't like it. That usually makes it easier, because people will tell me something along the lines of "Okay, I want your advice" and I proceed via an /opinion/solution/advice.

I don't even date man. Lulz. That's where my issue lies. I don't have the want to try when these situations arise, and feel uncomfortable with how they commence. I usually end up feeling smothered or apathetic to their actions of flirtation. What I want to lessen is that discomfort with these sort of situations, so that I can somehow actually be open to dating and shit.
I dunno.

Thanks!
 

·
Over 300 Confirmed Kills
Joined
·
10,577 Posts
l think there's a balance to strike to avoid these issues with people(and not just feeling types).

However, this is your call in dating and you don't have to date anyone you genuinely don't like.

lf you find you have the emotional handicap when dealing with anyone at all, it's probably more of a social skills related issue. Most thinking types and rational feelers don't think l'm an asshole.

Now, l do think that if you project an image of completely lacking sensitivity, it draws out a reaction in some feeling types that makes them want to challenge this and/or ''fix'' you.

So, in a way Fe is like a preemptive measure, and IME when you do show just enough to show people that you aren't an asshole, they're less likely to react to things you say like you may be one.

The initial seed just isn't planted, l do know that when l showed a lot less emotion in the past, very reactive types would take me for being someone uber logical who was going to have a problem with them and it only lead to conflict.
l don't really analyze my own emotions that way so it can be weird, but people are reading you much more than you realize sometimes, why not be the one who directs the way you're received instead of them?

l don't think making huge sacrifices in dating is necessary though, and l wouldn't date anyone l had to consistently edit myself for.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
431 Posts
I suppose I'm one of those INTPs that doesn't have a problem with acting as though I care. I'm rather empathetic, really. It's when you want sympathy or any form of a response to an emotional situation I'm rather stuck. I can come off somewhat cold as a result (at least you guys can get away with it - being a girl means you're expected to do well in emotional situations and give emotional responses). I do have interests and beliefs I am at least somewhat passionate about. I might not show it as greatly as a F-dom (I have/had an ENFJ friend that got super excited about everything. I mean EVERYTHING. I found it draining because he expected the same reactions from me, since the stuff he fangirled over was stuff I liked. And more often than not, I just couldn't be bothered doing the squealy child reaction he always gave). But I do express it in the form of what often turns into lively conversation.

I feel awkward on dates. It's one of the reasons I haven't really dated. I've had two experiences (one I'd rather forget, because the guy I went out with managed to turn my awkwardness into awkwardness-tenfold. It turns out I am not as awkward as some other people out there). Both were the result of meeting people online. I'm just rather terrible when it comes to 'playing the game', meaning I have no fucking clue how to play it. I hate the fact there is a 'game', really. I resent how much is expected of both parties during the dating game. Why can't we just sit down, talk about our likes and dislikes and beliefs, and if they don't match we get up and walk away and leave it at that (in this respect I am a fan of Barney Stinson's 'lemon law')? Why do we have to wait for the other person to text or call first? Why do we have to wait a certain amount of days to hear or talk to said other person? There are too many rules and too many technicalities. Rules and technicalities that, worst of all, waste time - after all, you might not actually know the person you're dating well enough to make an informed decision about them until it's been many days, weeks, months even. That time could've been better spent finding someone more ideal for you.
I also don't do well not knowing what I'm going into, which is essentially what is supposed to make a first date "exciting". I don't understand what's so exciting about not knowing what to expect of the guy/girl you're going out with, or what you're going to do. Like I've already said, I like knowing what I'm getting into. I think the best explanation as to why was covered by comedian Louis CK when he talked about dating (found on youtube, if you don't know what I'm referring to).

More often than not, when it comes to emotional situations (that usually require emotional responses to some degree), I push for the other person to talk. Make a few noises that indicate I'm listening if need be. But basically, have them talk. And if they expect something from you, if presented properly, the 'it'll be okay' and other such cliches can work wonders. If they don't take the bait, just change the topic and move on (don't do it abruptly; the trick is to make the conversation flow). There's no point in beating a dead fish. Or whatever the saying is. I've become rather masterful at this mostly due to the experience I've had in a college-level communications course. Do it often enough and it becomes second nature.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
316 Posts
Discussion Starter #7 (Edited)
l think there's a balance to strike to avoid these issues with people(and not just feeling types).

However, this is your call in dating and you don't have to date anyone you genuinely don't like.

lf you find you have the emotional handicap when dealing with anyone at all, it's probably more of a social skills related issue. Most thinking types and rational feelers don't think l'm an asshole.

Now, l do think that if you project an image of completely lacking sensitivity, it draws out a reaction in some feeling types that makes them want to challenge this and/or ''fix'' you.

So, in a way Fe is like a preemptive measure, and IME when you do show just enough to show people that you aren't an asshole, they're less likely to react to things you say like you may be one.

The initial seed just isn't planted, l do know that when l showed a lot less emotion in the past, very reactive types would take me for being someone uber logical who was going to have a problem with them and it only lead to conflict.
l don't really analyze my own emotions that way so it can be weird, but people are reading you much more than you realize sometimes, why not be the one who directs the way you're received instead of them?

l don't think making huge sacrifices in dating is necessary though, and l wouldn't date anyone l had to consistently edit myself for.
Interesting.
Personally, From what I know friends don't perceive as an asshole at all. I have few friends, and the ones I do have understand my demeanor I guess. I have a somewhat well developed Fe I've been working on for sometime. The main area in which I lack expertise is in those of the romantic nature.

Now that you mention it, I do think that my "lack of sensitivity" demeanor has attracted others to me before, but i'm not too sure it was to try to fix me as most people don't hand me help/advice. This does make sense for others though. I think people know i'm nice, they just think i'm "dry".

That's true, I agree. I like to mold their perception of me, so I make sure they know that I am able to empathize if I try too, and I am able to feel things.

I don't think making huge sacrifices is necessary either, but I thought I'd ask what other INTPs experiences' with this sort of situation were to maybe get some insight from their personal experiences on the matter. I realize that the easiest thing for me may be to "find an equal" as they may be less likely to need me to behave in typical amorous ways which I am not comfortable with. I wouldn't want to edit myself either, I just don't understand why I get so easily smothered and dislike lot's of average gestures of affection.


I suppose I'm one of those INTPs that doesn't have a problem with acting as though I care. I'm rather empathetic, really. It's when you want sympathy or any form of a response to an emotional situation I'm rather stuck. I can come off somewhat cold as a result (at least you guys can get away with it - being a girl means you're expected to do well in emotional situations and give emotional responses). I do have interests and beliefs I am at least somewhat passionate about. I might not show it as greatly as a F-dom (I have/had an ENFJ friend that got super excited about everything. I mean EVERYTHING. I found it draining because he expected the same reactions from me, since the stuff he fangirled over was stuff I liked. And more often than not, I just couldn't be bothered doing the squealy child reaction he always gave). But I do express it in the form of what often turns into lively conversation.

I feel awkward on dates. It's one of the reasons I haven't really dated. I've had two experiences (one I'd rather forget, because the guy I went out with managed to turn my awkwardness into awkwardness-tenfold. It turns out I am not as awkward as some other people out there). Both were the result of meeting people online. I'm just rather terrible when it comes to 'playing the game', meaning I have no fucking clue how to play it. I hate the fact there is a 'game', really. I resent how much is expected of both parties during the dating game. Why can't we just sit down, talk about our likes and dislikes and beliefs, and if they don't match we get up and walk away and leave it at that (in this respect I am a fan of Barney Stinson's 'lemon law')? Why do we have to wait for the other person to text or call first? Why do we have to wait a certain amount of days to hear or talk to said other person? There are too many rules and too many technicalities. Rules and technicalities that, worst of all, waste time - after all, you might not actually know the person you're dating well enough to make an informed decision about them until it's been many days, weeks, months even. That time could've been better spent finding someone more ideal for you.
I also don't do well not knowing what I'm going into, which is essentially what is supposed to make a first date "exciting". I don't understand what's so exciting about not knowing what to expect of the guy/girl you're going out with, or what you're going to do. Like I've already said, I like knowing what I'm getting into. I think the best explanation as to why was covered by comedian Louis CK when he talked about dating (found on youtube, if you don't know what I'm referring to).

More often than not, when it comes to emotional situations (that usually require emotional responses to some degree), I push for the other person to talk. Make a few noises that indicate I'm listening if need be. But basically, have them talk. And if they expect something from you, if presented properly, the 'it'll be okay' and other such cliches can work wonders. If they don't take the bait, just change the topic and move on (don't do it abruptly; the trick is to make the conversation flow). There's no point in beating a dead fish. Or whatever the saying is. I've become rather masterful at this mostly due to the experience I've had in a college-level communications course. Do it often enough and it becomes second nature.
Awesome, this is more along the lines of what I was looking to hear.
The issues for me is that I know how to "act" and what I "should" do, I just feel uncomfortable with it so don't. I'd rather high give in public, hug me in an overly affectionate way and I don't know what to do, it isn't preferred. I'm sympathetic if I see the situation to be relevant. I turn on my "sympathy rods" and am able to.

Lulz at him "fangirling". I'm similar. I find psychics fascinating but my form of showing excitement comes of in me actually taking the time to converse with you. I'll talk more than usual if it's a subject that really intrigues me, but this subject I've never had the pleasure of being able to discuss with someone in person. I live in an area where most people seem to be into "fist pumping" over science, no biggie.

I don't like the "game" aspect of it all as well. It's draining. I don't "date" either, but I have had people try to "get with this", and it never ends well for them. Most people don't know how to "flirt" with me anyway, as I do kill moments like that on purpose since I dislike the "game" as you put it. I can't seem to not feel sickly smothered, and somewhat dehumanize the purpose of all of the actions because of my discomfort and lethargy. I rather if someone is interested in me to just come out and say something along the lines of "Hey, I like you, just letting you know." That seems much easier and quicker, and straight forward than touching hands, sniffing each other and playing footsie (I don't even know if people actually do this, but you catch my drift.)

Personally, emotional situations aren't really a major issue for me to handle as I have learned to deal with them over the years. It sounds like we all have here so far. My issue lies more specifically in being able be approached in a romantic manner/ have affection showed to me physically without regurgitating a little.(sarcasm)

I also find myself overly apathetic to romance, and anything leading up to it. I can see the appeal when watched in a film, but not for myself personally. This is obviously a major hindrance for me as well. Most romantic gestures seems lame to me from the start given that it's obvious what they're doing, implying and one can easily assume what they'd like for me to respond with from the start - besides the whole dislike of it thing. Part of me sort of would like to somehow stop being so impervious, and find/develop the want to be more responsive. That'd be a start.

Thanks for sharing.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
431 Posts
@DatAssInDaGrass I completely understand wanting to kill a fliratious 'mood'. I find such situations uncomfortable. It doesn't help that guys (at least, the ones I've come across) think the most effective method of flirting is purely focusing on what they see. I understand why this occurs, but it's very frustrating to be told how great you look when 1. You find compliments discomforting, and 2. it just feels scripted and otherwise shallow. But even if flirting deviates into playful banter I just don't see the joy in it. I honestly have to guess it's just due to the fact that, in the midst of it (or even hearing it start), you know it'll force you to deal with that place us INTPs don't like dealing with; personal feelings. You have to make split-second decisions in flirting, too. Not enough time to think and process and decide how to reply. It's easier to shut down what discomforts you than face it head on. Which is why you probably should try facing it head on. Like, start small. A simple flirtatious comment. Work your way up to a conversation. And then let that conversation take you to the impending possibility of asking for a date. I don't know. That's the only thing I think might help if you're honestly concerned about trying to break free of the habit you described having. And it would probably be best if you engaged, if possible, since that would give you more control of the situation (and therefore result in more comfort over it). Films make romance and flirtation and other such aspects of the human experience seem easy and enthralling. Why must they set such high standards?

Life would be so much easier if people just let others know exactly how they felt. The mind games are such a waste of time. And oftentimes and lead to unnecessary hurt, depending on how invested you are in said games. Humans are a confusing bunch. Riddled with far too many social rules.

And on the 'interest in psychics' note, people that actually have an honest interest in that stuff are hard to find anywhere that aren't in the artsy side of town. It's so frustrating! Science still has many questions to answer, so why can't people more scientifically minded open up to the possibility of all things related to the psyche? Such a double standard. "Listen to me rant about my hypothesis but IF YOU SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THAT ESP CRAP ONE MORE TIME..." gah. Ridiculous. A lot of people just seemed so attuned to themselves and how they react to things that they don't consider others might react differently despite feeling the same way. It doesn't make that reaction any less valid. It's just the ultimate proof no one person is like another.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
747 Posts
I've felt as if I'm borderline sociopathic at times and I would be lying out of my ass if I said it didn't negatively affect my ability to maintain a relationship. I'm also 95% sure I have some form of bipolar disorder or cyclothymia and I have times of absolute indifference to any sort of emotional intimacy, but wait a month or two and suddenly I'm longing for even just a hug. So maybe I'm not the most reliable source of experience on this topic. But I do know that given my state, I've learned that my feelings at any particular moment are not necessarily reflective of what the other party expects, or even what a more reasonable version of myself would think to be appropriate. In other words, if you're looking for a certain reaction out of someone (or otherwise trying to put on a face), even if you don't feel the way you think you should, it often helps to, as they say, fake it 'til you make it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
874 Posts
I'm wondering, are any of you guys emotionally handicapped? What I seek is thoughts on being more well balanced, and actually either developing ways to be able to deal with situations where emotions are involved i.e. dating and the like or your experiences with situations like this.

I am awkward from what I've heard, and am a bit robotic to the point that these situations aren't great for me to be in with the average person practicing typical amorous behavior because I automatically feel as though I want them to stop/or feel sickly smothered. I also don't experience much variation in emotion too often, and am too apathetic for my own good most of the time, so i'm sure you see how this would be a hindrance with dating and shit.

If this sounds anything like you, how do you deal with dating and the like. I've recently been wondering if maybe I should learn to "feel" and "care" more, or find away to adapt to these customary acts of affection if I am ever going to get into relationship-like things. I don't know. I think this seems a bit redundant but, meh, it was just a thought so I thought i'd ask other INTPs what their experiences/ thoughts would be. I've met other INTPs that do not have this issue from what I hear so… maybe this is just exclusive to me.

I don't want the emotional intimacy at the moment, but I guess I worry that one day I may want it and will regret being apathetic to it at this age. It seems like something I don't wish to deal with at the moment, yet I know I should begin to soften up to it or something. I would like to not feel uncomfortable and smothered when things of these nature occur to me as well. The idea of friends with benefits is the most appealing to me, but this isn't the sort of relationship i'd want to one day be okay with having. It's more of the, dating sorta of thing.

So how do you all deal with it if it's an issue? Are you still uncomfortable with it at first? What's the process like for you? All thoughts welcome, etc, yadah.

Thanks.
Don't convince yourself you are emotionally handicapped. Don't fit yourself in a certain criteria.
The only emotionally handicapped people are psychopaths.
It's impossible for you to not care. Your family, etc etc you care enough about yourself as well.
For instance an INTP I know is more outwardly affectionate (such as hugs) than I am.
It is possible that you are awkward. F types are also capable of being awkward when they over analyze situations.
It seems you are concinving yourself to show emotion in some certain way, when there are many possibities to how people show emotion. There is no guide for emotions. There is no need for you to copy other people's behaviors, then you wouldn't be being true.
Remember, dating is not supposed to be draining. "Emotional intimacy" has many forms.
and people who are attracted to people like you, the way you are, exist!!!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
828 Posts
I've felt as if I'm borderline sociopathic at times and I would be lying out of my ass if I said it didn't negatively affect my ability to maintain a relationship. I'm also 95% sure I have some form of bipolar disorder or cyclothymia and I have times of absolute indifference to any sort of emotional intimacy, but wait a month or two and suddenly I'm longing for even just a hug. So maybe I'm not the most reliable source of experience on this topic. But I do know that given my state, I've learned that my feelings at any particular moment are not necessarily reflective of what the other party expects, or even what a more reasonable version of myself would think to be appropriate. In other words, if you're looking for a certain reaction out of someone (or otherwise trying to put on a face), even if you don't feel the way you think you should, it often helps to, as they say, fake it 'til you make it.
bahahaha, this makes me laugh. I thought I was a sociopath too! I'm not and you aren't either otherwise you'd not be wondering if you were. The fact you're conscious about it being this . It sounds like you may have cyclothymia or dysthymia or borderline personality.
I am not moved, interested or stimulated by most people and when they effuse about the most mundane things I feel like a zombie in comparison. But I think it's just that the people I meet I find incredibly boring and I'm a good listener but don't expect the 'normal' reactions. I spend a lot of time and energy trying to fake the appropriate enthusiasm, empathy or whatever and it's exhausting. You can't maintain an intimate relationship like that. I can't be bothered to talk about most everyday things but do get excited to talk about ideas, and theories I find interesting, typical intp I guess. I reject and am afraid of intimacy I suppose because of personal history but I do crave it sometimes. Having said that it scares and worries me that I don't want it enough to avoid being alone.
I think it's possible to find a match in terms of needs and expectations around just being how you are even if it's ever changing. I think there are more people like this than we realise. It's too much work to fake it all the time. If you meet someone like yourself then you both understand and accept each other and it may not be 'conventional' but if it works for both people it doesn't matter. I think the more time you spend alone the more you become indifferent and ambivalent about having someone to hold.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
28 Posts
Being and INTP, I totally get what your saying. For myself, not being able to feel has been a major struggle in my life. It's affected my relationship with my parents and my friends profoundly. However, I have a great relationship with my sister who is an INFP. We hardly ever fight because she thinks my sincerity is funny and interesting, instead of harsh and rude. This doesn't happen just because she's INFP but because she respects me. You must build respect by showing you care about the relationship. Let them know your true character of good. Put down simple constants like, "Even though I can't change being up in the clouds often, I don't want that to affect our relationship. Show me what's important to you. What can I do to make this relationship work?". Let them know your not changing who you are, but what you are.
Hope this helps...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,118 Posts
Being old doesn't make it irrelevant. Creating a new thread on the exact same topic would just create more clutter.

Also I wasn't looking at dates.
Relevancy really depends on the thread subject and what the person bumping up the thread actually posts.

In your case it wasn't too bad since you didn't directly answer to help someone who posted 3 years ago.

Whether a thread should be recreated or not also depends on the thread subject itself.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
316 Posts
Discussion Starter #18
Don't convince yourself you are emotionally handicapped. Don't fit yourself in a certain criteria.
The only emotionally handicapped people are psychopaths.
It's impossible for you to not care. Your family, etc etc you care enough about yourself as well.
For instance an INTP I know is more outwardly affectionate (such as hugs) than I am.
It is possible that you are awkward. F types are also capable of being awkward when they over analyze situations.
It seems you are concinving yourself to show emotion in some certain way, when there are many possibities to how people show emotion. There is no guide for emotions. There is no need for you to copy other people's behaviors, then you wouldn't be being true.
Remember, dating is not supposed to be draining. "Emotional intimacy" has many forms.
and people who are attracted to people like you, the way you are, exist!!!
Not convincing self to show emotion in one particular way, just aware that I lacked in showing it any way that people could pick up on, and was aware of how this would be an impediment... had I any interest in the future. I surely did lack in this area 3 or 4 years ago. I recall briefly being curious about this long ago, not really something being pondered as of recently. I still lack in this area, but it isn't a problem because I have formed a more concrete picture of what I ultimately would be content with.

I've never met anyone interested in people like me, so I assume it isn't something appealing to the average person, but I'm quite aware they exist. I've always lacked an interest in dating anyway, but I have had bursts of questioning the matter, and this was probably one of them.
 
1 - 18 of 18 Posts
Top