Personality Cafe banner

1 - 7 of 7 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hey guys,
especially towards my fellow INFP's I need to get some feelings and thoughts off my chest that I really don't know how to cope with at the moment.

So I have recently started dating a guy (ENFP) that I quickly and deeply fell in love with. Probably too quickly. He was the one who told me first that he had feelings for me, so after that I wasn't afraid of reciprocating those emotions and completely opening up. I felt deeply understood in his presence, because we share a lot of same interests and thought patterns. Both of us have mental health problems and we made ourselves very vulnerable by sharing our stories.
The relationship started very good, with lots of trust for each other.

Then suddenly he said, that he is not ready for a relationship because his feelings are not strong enough for me after all.
In addition he is still struggling with his depression at the moment and does not have enough energy to put into another person besides himself.

This realization was very painful for me, because I felt like we were soulmates.
I know and he knows it too, that my presence always made his depression go away for a while.
And I still feel so helpless and frustrated that I can't help him because of his rejection towards me.
Since the breakup (and in general) I have not been clingy at all. All the feelings he has shared with me, he voiced out of his own motivation, I never pushed him towards anything.
But nonetheless we wanted to stay in contact for the start. He messaged me from time to time and wanted to know how I was doing etc. so he clearly still needed my presence in his life.

Then recently, out of the blue he asked if I wanted to come over to his place because he was feeling very sad that day.
After I successfully tried to get my mind off him for 1-2 weeks this was a relapse of all the feelings that I still had for him (which I tried to reserve during that time). So I visited him and it all felt like it used to and against expectation we became intimate again.
When I asked him later, if this ment something to him, he said that he was very thankful for this support I gave him, but his feelings towards me have not changed. But I can't blame him for anything really.
But this left me just as heartbroken and sad again as I was after the initial breakup.
I just don't know what to do.
Should I try to furthermore emotionally distance myself from him, but still keep in contact?
Or should I cut the contact off completely?
I am so confused....


Sorry for this long and tiring post Haha.

I would be very thankful for some advice or stories of similiar situations you all went through.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,734 Posts
I just don't know what to do.
Should I try to furthermore emotionally distance myself from him, but still keep in contact?
Or should I cut the contact off completely?
How can you not know?
I think you do know, but you don't want to do what you know you should do.

He's told you twice where he stands.
Also, entering a brand new relationship with someone who is already depressed... not a good idea. He is right in that he has to take care of himself.
And he shouldn't play with you. You are vulnerable and raw right now, and his action, this one:

Then recently, out of the blue he asked if I wanted to come over to his place because he was feeling very sad that day.
shows that he is only looking out for what he wants (ego stroke, because he feels lonely), and your emotional health doesn't matter to him.

He doesn't love you, he's just lonely and you are there so he will call you for as long as you let him have you. Sorry to be this blunt, but I figured I wouldn't beat around the bush.

I think that having this occasional contact thing is not doing you any good and it's interfering with your health. Imo it's best if you cut it off with him, and not just for a few months, because you probably won't heal completely in just a few months, since INFPs are frikking sensitive and we carry our stuff for years and years.
Put yourself first, focus on yourself, take care of yourself. I don't think I can use clearer words than these.

He is not a bad person, he's just like any other regular person who feels lonely and they will reach out to any living walking thing who will pay attention to them. A bandaid. Don't be the bandaid, it will fuck you up. You are your priority.

Sorry for this long and tiring post Haha.
No, it's not long and it's not tiring. It was well written and well condensed :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
347 Posts
Is the depression chronic or situational?

This one ENFP came on to me way too fast about a year ago, and announced immediately he had bipolar disorder. I was okay with it but it turned out he was lying about taking his medication and was smoking weed via vape - turned out when he did start taking his medication (it was an ultimatum for me), he didn't stop weed and it really messed with his medication. He became kind of psycho from it.

But he was basically "in love" with me way too fast. I saw the red flags fast. He was too overwhelming to even spend time around. Then suddenly didn't love me or accused me of being a bad person too many times when he openly told me all he needed was positive affirmation (which I gave him).

When I cut contact he became a stalker, it became a very bad situation.

Try to make sure he's not using the depression as an excuse to "keep you around", because people can say various mixed signals as a way to make you feel sorry for them. Try to make sure he doesn't have any ulterior motives.

Good luck with everything and take care of #1!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter #4
How can you not know?
I think you do know, but you don't want to do what you know you should do.

He's told you twice where he stands.
Also, entering a brand new relationship with someone who is already depressed... not a good idea. He is right in that he has to take care of himself.
And he shouldn't play with you. You are vulnerable and raw right now, and his action, this one:



shows that he is only looking out for what he wants (ego stroke, because he feels lonely), and your emotional health doesn't matter to him.

He doesn't love you, he's just lonely and you are there so he will call you for as long as you let him have you. Sorry to be this blunt, but I figured I wouldn't beat around the bush.

I think that having this occasional contact thing is not doing you any good and it's interfering with your health. Imo it's best if you cut it off with him, and not just for a few months, because you probably won't heal completely in just a few months, since INFPs are frikking sensitive and we carry our stuff for years and years.
Put yourself first, focus on yourself, take care of yourself. I don't think I can use clearer words than these.

He is not a bad person, he's just like any other regular person who feels lonely and they will reach out to any living walking thing who will pay attention to them. A bandaid. Don't be the bandaid, it will fuck you up. You are your priority.



No, it's not long and it's not tiring. It was well written and well condensed :)

I guess I needed to read those clear words and I know in the bottom of my heart that they are true.
So Thank You! :smile-new:

I assume the reason why I still don't know whether we should keep the contact is because I unrealistically still hoped that I could help him. But through overthinking all that's happened (last time we saw each other was 1 week ago - what the post was based on. No contact since then except for me asking what it meant to him etc.) and your post has strongly confirmed this, I realised that I'm not responsible for helping him. That's what he goes to therapy for.

But now I know, I should cut it off 100%. Otherwise I'll be stuck in the past and become emotionally unstable again.


You are completely right with everything you said! :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter #5 (Edited)
Is the depression chronic or situational?

This one ENFP came on to me way too fast about a year ago, and announced immediately he had bipolar disorder. I was okay with it but it turned out he was lying about taking his medication and was smoking weed via vape - turned out when he did start taking his medication (it was an ultimatum for me), he didn't stop weed and it really messed with his medication. He became kind of psycho from it.

But he was basically "in love" with me way too fast. I saw the red flags fast. He was too overwhelming to even spend time around. Then suddenly didn't love me or accused me of being a bad person too many times when he openly told me all he needed was positive affirmation (which I gave him).

When I cut contact he became a stalker, it became a very bad situation.

Try to make sure he's not using the depression as an excuse to "keep you around", because people can say various mixed signals as a way to make you feel sorry for them. Try to make sure he doesn't have any ulterior motives.

Good luck with everything and take care of #1!
Thank You! :)

He has chronic/ clinical depression (runs in the family). But of course his depression depends a lot on outlying influences (in his case alcoholic father, unsatisfying job, abusive ex girlfriend,...)
In general he is a very confident person (except when his depression shows) and because he was the one who ended it, I think that it won't become such a stalker situation as the one you went through.
He also never accused me of being a bad person. Sorry that you had to go through this. It must have hurt to hear those words by someone close to you, when all you're trying to do is help. :(

Hope you were able to move on from that successfully!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
347 Posts
Thank You! :)

He has chronic/ clinical depression (runs in the family). But of course his depression depends a lot on outlying influences (in his case alcoholic father, unsatisfying job, abusive ex girlfriend,...)
In general he is a very confident person (except when his depression shows) and because he was the one who ended it, I think that it won't become such a stalker situation as the one you went through.
He also never accused me of being a bad person. Sorry that you had to go through this. It must have hurt to hear those words by someone close to you, when all you're trying to do is help. :(

Hope you were able to move on from that successfully!
Hmm I read the above post and it sounds like you've got a good grip on everything. Cut him out and find an ENFP who treats you like the beautiful human being that you are <3

I was able to move on, but the only thing that really fixed the situation was he got put inpatient at a psychiatric hospital. This guy was off the charts!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
18 Posts
I also thought your post was not too long, and was well written.
At one time I thought the 'cut off all contact' approach was very harsh, but you need to protect yourself. You know in your heart how to best protect yourself.

Years ago, as an INFP in my early thirties, I was extremely desperate for a relationship. I met and quickly married an ENFP with severe clinical depression. There are certain people who are like kamikazes, they just crash in your life and destroy it. That was definitely the case with my ex.

The initial attraction that I sometimes have with extroverts diminishes pretty rapidly as I get to know them, and we never seem to share an emotional bedrock. Just my experience.
 
1 - 7 of 7 Posts
Top