Personality Cafe banner
1 - 4 of 4 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
489 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
When I lost my virginity it was drunk and not consensual

I was scared of sex and waited until I had a new boyfriend for over a month which took a few years.

He was not a good boyfriend. He was dishonest about big things. Also selfish lover who didn't care about my satisfaction even when I expressed my concerns he would talk down to me.

I felt nothing emotionally from sex with him. I thought it would be special. Even without any alcohol in my system I felt nothing emotionally. I felt like an empty box. And I am an emotional person. I feel like if I wanted to I could have sex with anyone casually and it wouldn't mean anything. Like sex is an act that I am numb to. Yet I crave it but I have not had another partner since this sex was bad. I cried once because it was hurting and he didn't care. But it didn't make me feel much emotionally. So empty and hollow.

Why is this happening. Is it because my first experience was abuse?
 

·
exploring space
Joined
·
10,433 Posts
So sorry you're going through this. Have you talked to someone about it? It could be that your first experience was abusive, but as you say your last boyfriend was not a good one too. Perhaps it'd be better to wait until you find someone who cares about you and connects with you emotionally first and then have sex with him.
Sex is an act but you are not supposed to be numb about it, you are supposed to like it, whether it's casual or in a serious relationship. If you don't feel you want to do it then don't. Don't let anyone push you and don't let yourself be pushed to do it.
And better talk to someone because rape is serious, even if you were drunk.
 

·
Registered
INFJ 3w2 Sx/So
Joined
·
3,373 Posts
I don't know what your personality is, so this may not be relevant advice. I had a similar experience, so hopefully I can be helpful to you.

When I was 16, I was struggling with depression. The depression was in a codependent relationship with this whole self-loathing and isolation thing I had going, and so it led me to make some really, really bad decisions.

I got into a "friends with benefits" (that phrase makes me cringe whenever I hear it now) relationship with a guy that I worked with. He was awful -- an unhealthy variant of ISTP; a psychopath -- and I knew that right from the start. I didn't care, though, because I felt like I deserved to be punished by him for some reason. Sex still meant something to me, though, so I didn't go that far with him for six months. One night I just... snapped. I had gotten so depressed at that point that I stopped caring entirely. He had also given me some alcohol, which may have been a contributing factor. I just figured "why not?" and told him that I wanted to have sex. I regretted it as soon as we got going. It was painful, shameful, and meaningless. I actually cried during it, and he freaked out as soon as he realized it and stopped. That was the only time he was ever really a decent person towards me.

My point is, the reason I was in that situation at all was because I didn't value myself. At that time, I felt as though I was little more than a body to be smacked around. There were times when he would actually hit me for whatever reason, and I enjoyed it in some twisted way because I felt like I deserved to be degraded. I hardly ever wanted him to be tender with me, because I thought that I needed to be beaten up. I hated myself. This may not be true (again, I don't know much about you), but this could be your problem as well. The emptiness could be that a guy mistreating you during sex, using you, is just fulfillment of this awful idea that you deserve abuse. Even if you get the abuse, in spite of you "wanting" it, you're not satisfied by it. If you're in the boat I was, it will never feel like it's enough. I broke it off with that guy and got help because I began to seriously contemplate suicide (death; the ultimate end of abuse), and fortunately I got too scared to go through with it.

I'm very glad to report that my life changed for the better after that, and now I'm with a wonderful ENFP who is the polar opposite of all of the awful things that the ISTP was. Back when I was with the ISTP, I had no hope that anything would change (Ni is a jerk sometimes, and it can do that to you), which was part of why I decided to have sex with him ("nothing better is going to come along, so just have sex with him and get it over with"). I say this because I want you to know that things *can* change, and they almost always do if you put some effort in.

If devaluing yourself is something you struggle with, work on it. If you have no earthly idea how you could do that, I would advise seeing a counselor/therapist (worked wonders for me). Failing that, find someone who you feel could give you some good advice, someone who is actually a decent person and at least cares for your well being. Don't allow people who make you feel devalued into your life. *Definitely* do not let them into your bedroom.

I'm sorry if my advice completely misses the point or isn't relevant. I wasn't entirely certain as to what I should say, based on the information you gave. I hope that I was at least a tad helpful.

Best wishes to you dear. And remember, you *are* valuable.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,437 Posts
What's happening is that you have low self esteem and you're allowing abusive men to violate your body. I'm not trying to blame you; what those men did to you was horrible and wrong, and you shouldn't feel ashamed about it. That's entirely on them. But the thing you need to change is your own self value. Sex should NEVER feel empty or wrong. I don't care if it's a one night stand or a marriage. That means that both the men you were with were bad people. And you know this.

You have to make the decision for yourself, that you will never let a man treat you badly again. Never let him talk down to you, never let him push you around, never let him do ANYTHING that makes you uncomfortable. If a man does any of those things (and they will, many of them will do these things) you never talk to him again. It might take some time and patience, but you have to learn how to respect yourself enough to only date good men. Just because a man says he loves you doesn't mean he's right; look at his actions. I would never allow a man to touch my body if he talked down to me. But I have in the past, and I know where you're coming from. You can be stronger.
 
1 - 4 of 4 Posts
Top