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Hello everyone, (Yes I know I already posted this but I'm new and didn't ask in the right forum! please forgive me)
This is a question regarding a male INFP that won't let me move forward with my life. I'm wondering how I should live my life if he won't stop with this emotional torment.

Back-story: He and I connected instantly when we met, he pursued me and I played hard to get. It seemed like the infatuation wore off soon after we lost our virginity's to one another and it became a purely physical relationship. Right off the bat he told me he wasn't going to be emotionally available to me and I respected this because I, being the INTJ I am, didn't really need it, or so I thought. I allowed him to end things there and was thankful because I hadn't developed too many feelings for him.

HOWEVER, he continued to initiate contact and make phone calls to me at times of the night many INFP's are up, the wee small hours of the morning. I was initially quite flattered and thought I'd be getting another chance. Turns out I was used on many occasions for sex - I thought there was potential for an intellectual relationship or friendship but neither of those ever came. 8 months later I'm trying to put the pieces of me back together, he opened emotional floodgates in my that I didn't know I was capable of possessing.

I've been firm with him, letting him know that I've been hurt deeply by him and I'd like very much if he'd give me the space I desire to move forward with my life. He is very smart and caring, he treats me with respect but doesn't listen to anything I say. He has his own set of rules.

PRESENTLY: I have made numerous attempts to reason with the boy and ask for space to live my life. My thoughts are tied to him and whenever he pops in to be annoying or say hello - whatever it is - I have to make an umpteen amount of efforts to get back on track. It's two steps forward, one step back with him.

MY QUESTIONS ARE
1) Why won't he just let me go, is he just an immature INFP?
2) Is he still emotionally tied to me in some way but just won't say it?
3) Is he confused?
4) It seems out of character for an INFP to emotionally manipulative - what is this about?

Thank you all in advance. I'm very confused and have trouble reading him because he's so inconsistent.
 

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Sorry, I can't really answer most of your questions, because I'm not 100% sure, but I can try to answer the 4th one. I've been called manipulative and I had to accept myself of being a manipulative person. BUUUT, and that's the important part, it wasn't intentional! I just had very strong feelings and just didn't know how to cope with them in an "healthy" way. So my inner noticed, that with manipulating those feelings have a chance to go away. And that's why I did it. Not having feelings under control can be very bad, haha! :tongue:

Of course that behaviour created many problems in my life. It was nothing more than stupid and destructive. So after some time of crying around and being like "I just have strong feelings, no one understands me, people just suck" and stuff like that, I've realised what's really up and became more self aware.
So if you are REALLY sure he is not intentionally manipulating you, maybe that's why he is acting that way, too? You could ask him.
Oh, and if he just won't give you sapce... take your space! Don't answer calls, don't meet him, ignore him, try to ignore his manipulating the best you can. Feelings for people tend to go away, if you want them to. Of course much easier with a good reason, but you sure got one, since it seems very painful for you.
 

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Copied from my response in the Advice Thread.


1) Why won't he just let me go, is he just an immature INFP?

An immature INFP especially an INFP male is not likely to follow his own set of rules. I've had to deal with a similar person in life, and he was quite the sociopath. Definitely not INFP. We as INFP treasure our emotional and intellectual connections and would never go for just the physical in most cases.

My advice would be to get out. If he doesn't listen and he starts manipulating you again get a third party involved.


2) Is he still emotionally tied to me in some way but just won't say it?


If he said he is not interested in an emotional connection yet still contacts you and manipulates you for a physical connection then there is clearly something wrong somewhere.


3) Is he confused?

Clearly he is quite confused, its possible that maybe he was damaged in the past and now he is acting it out in the opposite way. But a confused INFP is likely to just withdraw completely and not try and maintain contact or hurt people intentionally.


4) It seems out of character for an INFP to emotionally manipulative - what is this about?


I still don't understand how you seem to think hes an INFP. But every single person has the capacity to be emotionally manipulative regardless of type.

Going back to my first point, just get out, cut all connection to him. When you retain a small level of connection it is very likely he will manipulate you again.

Just to reiterate its your life. But going by what you said clearly he is of no benefit to it and is causing more harm than good.


-EDIT-

Overall your argument is very one sided and until the other perspective it acknowledged the whole situation can't be properly looked at. With that being said any relationship that is manipulative is bad, you might be feeling a need to try and find what may or may not be there, and that is entirely up to you but this is about you and your health.
 

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You sound like a wannabe victim, to be blunt. Though TBH you haven't really said much about what he's actually done wrong, other than he keeps coming back, and you keep giving into him when you're not really into it, instead of firmly saying no...?

"Turns out I was used on many occasions for sex"
Unless you were sexually assaulted; that's an insane thing to say. You're an adult. Say "no" if you don't feel like sex. It's a simple as that. It's consensual, unless he physically forced you. If he did I apologize, and you should have mentioned he raped you. But to say you were "used" means you get no joy from sex, because how could you be used, if you were consenting to an act that gave you joy? You can't be. And if you got NO joy from having sex with a person, maybe don't have sex with him "on many occasions"...?

If though, you gave him sex when you didn't really feel like it, because you wanted to extract something else from him (like a different type of relationship than that which you had), that doesn't make him evil, unless you said "No". It makes YOU weak, and now regretful, but your regret on a consensual act does not = he's guilty of something. *How could it be his fault, in a case like that? And if he'd told you he was feeling one way, and then changed his mind as the relationship progressed, that doesn't make him evil either... He's a free human being, he's not to be FORCED into a relationship, he's to come and go in his chosen companions as he wishes, to go with his feelings as they evolve, as are you. Stop playing the victim.

"he treats me with respect but doesn't listen to anything I say"
Sigh. What does that even mean? If someone doesn't listen to you, it MEANS they're not treating you with respect. What I get from that is: "I can't pinpoint anything he's doing wrong because he's actually very nice in his communication, but he isn't changing his actions to be according to what I want him to do."

I could be reading into it but again, you were very vague. Sorry if any of that seems harsh, but I don't just side with the 1st person of a disagreement to say they're the victim.

Basically; I hear "my ex was manipulative" all the time, and mostly it's actually "I never asserted / demanded my own needs be met like an adult should; and I don't want to face that I was weak and didn't leave sooner".

If you think he's actually manipulative - why would you even want to be friends...? BREAK OFF ALL CONTACT, tell him firmly you don't want to be friends and to not to ever call you, and that you'll call the police if he's contacting you after that. And follow up on it if he ignores you, because then he's STALKING you.
 

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Easy way to get rid of an INFP: Tell him you're seeing someone else and cut off -- absolutely -- all contact. Do not answer the phone, do not respond to a text, don't answer your door, if you see him in person, ignore him. It might take a few weeks, but if you are strong and don't initiate or respond to any contact, he will move on. He can't manipulate you if you're a brick wall. I think the trick for him to stay away for good is if he believes you're seeing other people. And you SHOULD start seeing other people!

For a year I dated an INFP male who acted similarly to your ex BF; I felt he was extremely manipulative. I was very excited to date an INFP, thinking he would be like me, but he was not at all. He was very emotionally remote, sporadic in his communications, basically like hot & cold water and I never knew what was going to come out of the faucet from day to day. I basically also felt like I was being used for sex. I put up with it way longer than I should have, and it was quite a relief when I finally started dating other guys who treated me way better. The last time I spoke to him was when he called me & I said I was dating someone else; he seemed nonplussed. He called me one other time and I never returned his call, and that was that.

You can & should move on; there are lots of other guys out there who will treat you right. This guy sounds like a mess and he is not worth your time.
 

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(Oh, snap copypasta time! My copied reply from the other thread)
While I am not even sure if the male in question is even an INFP or not, immature behavior and mentality is still immature no matter what type a person is. You did right to leave him alone and move on from him. That being said, here are my answers to your questions.

1) Why won't he just let me go, is he just an immature INFP?
He won't let go because he still sees that you keeping up any sort of contact with him, no matter how small, is a sliver of hope for getting you back as his 'option' or fallback girl for when things don't pan out for whoever he's with now. He wants to have his cake and eat it too.


2) Is he still emotionally tied to me in some way but just won't say it?
He is only giving you the illusion that he is, again, because he wants to keep you on standby. People have a way of making clear what they do and don't want through their actions(or lack of them). It's just a matter of their intent and if we notice those signs.


3) Is he confused?
No, he's playing around with your emotions and being manipulative.


4) It seems out of character for an INFP to emotionally manipulative - what is this about?
Again, not sure if he is even INFP, but this is classic immature behavior from an emotionally unavailable and unhealthy person. Frankly, it's time to go no contact with him, no replying to any contact he attempts to make with you, block him any way needed. Cut him off for good and let him figure out it's time for him to keep it moving away from you.
 

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"Turns out I was used on many occasions for sex"
Unless you were sexually assaulted; that's an insane thing to say. You're an adult. Say "no" if you don't feel like sex. It's a simple as that. It's consensual, unless he physically forced you. If he did I apologize, and you should have mentioned he raped you. But to say you were "used" means you get no joy from sex, because how could you be used, if you were consenting to an act that gave you joy? You can't be. And if you got NO joy from having sex with a person, maybe don't have sex with him "on many occasions"...?

If though, you gave him sex when you didn't really feel like it, because you wanted to extract something else from him (like a different type of relationship than that which you had), that doesn't make him evil, unless you said "No". It makes YOU weak, and now regretful, but your regret on a consensual act does not = he's guilty of something. *How could it be his fault, in a case like that? And if he'd told you he was feeling one way, and then changed his mind as the relationship progressed, that doesn't make him evil either... He's a free human being, he's not to be FORCED into a relationship, he's to come and go in his chosen companions as he wishes, to go with his feelings as they evolve, as are you. Stop playing the victim.
Okay, perhaps we have different definitions of what constitutes "being used". In my book, being used for sex means that both parties are aware that one party has feelings. Thus the other party thinks they can easily manipulate those feelings into getting physical pleasure for themselves. I've had that happen with my ex boyfriend. It's not a fun time and, to me, it sounded like something similar was happening to the OP. Don't judge her if you don't understand what she's going through.
 

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I don't know both sides of the story and thus can only comment to what you have presented here, but it sounds to me that it is not necessarily him that is confused. It seems that deep down you really want there to be a deep connection between the two of you that may or may not ever exist. This is the only reason I could think of that would explain why you still stay in touch with him.

An outsider will not be able to offer you any meaningful advice until you can objectively answer the following question:

What is it you yourself want?

The answer to that will naturally lead you to whatever path you must take. You need to be honest with both yourself and him. No beating around the bush. Be more direct with your desires and don't allow games to be played on the part of either side.
 

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Okay, perhaps we have different definitions of what constitutes "being used".
Maybe, lets have a look...

In my book, being used for sex means that both parties are aware that one party has feelings.
How can you make the judgement that one party ONLY in this case had strong feelings at all stages of this relationship? I'm genuinely curious. Even if he was just enjoying casual sex, and thus kept approaching her for consensual sex, which she gave him... Does he have to feel the same? Does wanting casual sex make him bad? Does wanting casual sex make the act less than consensual when the other party forms regrets?

Thus the other party thinks they can easily manipulate those feelings into getting physical pleasure for themselves. I've had that happen with my ex boyfriend.
...Where you what? Gave him sex when you didn't feel like it, instead of saying no? That IS still a choice, isn't it? Unless you do say "no", I don't understand. People aren't psychic. People can have sex; and hope things will work out, yes... That there's a level of shame and anger that you were with someone it doesn't work out with, AFTER it doesn't work out, doesn't negate your 50% of the share in saying "yes" or "no" - except in the case that you're a child with an adult, severely mentally handicapped, or drugged against your will.

It's not a fun time and, to me, it sounded like something similar was happening to the OP.
I agree on both accounts, having sex with someone you don't want to have sex with, and not saying anything about it at the time, sounds AWFUL; and it does sound like what both you and she did. It still remains a choice you / she made; and unless you're enjoying sex, you should never continue having it.
 

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If you tell him that you are hurt, then he won't know why... cos he will try and heal you. Cos you are now his friend, but not a GF. He would still care and have feelings for you, but not necessarily the right kind for a SO.

If I understand the INTx personality well, then be direct, blunt if you must, because you have to self protect right now. As you need time away from him, and no contact, as to stop the continuous thinking, thoughts coming into your mind.

PRESENTLY: I have made numerous attempts to reason with the boy and ask for space to live my life. My thoughts are tied to him and whenever he pops in to be annoying or say hello - whatever it is - I have to make an umpteen amount of efforts to get back on track. It's two steps forward, one step back with him.

MY QUESTIONS ARE
1) Why won't he just let me go, is he just an immature INFP?
2) Is he still emotionally tied to me in some way but just won't say it?
3) Is he confused?
4) It seems out of character for an INFP to emotionally manipulative - what is this about?

Thank you all in advance. I'm very confused and have trouble reading him because he's so inconsistent.
1 - I do not think that he knows and understands the effect or the situation with the relationship. INFP's T is very small. Te. Feelings come first. his bad feelings could be coming forward and if he is, then it may be why he still contacts you. Cos it is guilt.

2 - He is indeed emotionally tied to you, but the kind of emotional may not necessarily be romantic than it is a friendship kind. Fi is INFP's strong point, and it is large, and within that category, we have different forms of Fi. THIS is the problem. Originally when he said that he does not have Fi for you, it was not the romantic kind. (I am also beginning to understand the different emotions too. As well as when something makes us feel guilty, this also may prompt him to action something.) But because you have been physical with him, it is now a kind of friendship Fi. Does that make sense to you?? In a way, he SHOULD NOT have propositioned you, and you really should not have let him too. Just state this and that you must definitely end contact as to allow you to move forward in your life, as it is not fair.

3 - He is not confused by his standard, but maybe he cannot comprehend how you are... I think the best way is to be specific and say that you do not want any further contact at all. Tell him that if he too want you to be happy, then it is your wish to not be contacted further.

4 - I do not think that he is putting himself into your shoes, this is why you may see him as being deliberately manipulative and that he is digging up old feelings. This is the way more often than not, regardless of who left who, but if one party still have feelings for the other, then you will indeed feel so much more worst. Cos it means that the person who have indeed feel bad, has fallen in love with the other. There is always one person who loves the other more.

He is not consistent because he is P.... and you are direct and prompt, J. Just be firm and be specific and say that you mean what you say, and that even if he has feelings now, you do not wish to know or for him to contact you cos it is indeed drumming bad feelings in you and that you cannot move on. This should be okay as a closure line. Then ignore him if he decides to contact you. Ignore his contacts.


Also, try to actively not analyse and think of him? If I understand the INTJ side well, is that you guys can indeed think too much also. But think if you must, cos I feel that you have come to a conclusion yourself, that you do want someone that you can love emotionally.

Also, from what I understand, you do indeed want to be with someone who can emotionally connect with you so... Remind yourself of what you learnt here and go with it...
 

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You won't let yourself move on. Cut all contact. You don't need to take his calls or communicate with him at all. You owe him nothing & need him for nothing.

He's using you....sorry to say. And yes, INFPs are capable of such evil like any human being. He TOLD you he was not emotionally available & then he only contacted you for booty calls. I don't doubt he played games too, but when someone says something like that AND their actions totally align with it, then believe it.

I'm sorry you're hurting.. unfortunately that's how those FWB things tend to go.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
That was a beautiful response. Thank you so much for your insight. It's really put things into perspective for me. I don't understand how to reason with feelings, I'm very VERY T oriented, it doesn't seem logical to keep him in my life.

-thanks a million
 

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I think we have very different ways of looking at my experience. I appreciate your input but it's not exactly one that I agree with - I may have no explained myself very clearly (this is my first post on the forums). I'm looking at this logically, my feeling side is very underdeveloped. I hope that I can learn from this situation. Thanks again
 

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I think we have very different ways of looking at my experience. I appreciate your input but it's not exactly one that I agree with - I may have no explained myself very clearly (this is my first post on the forums). I'm looking at this logically, my feeling side is very underdeveloped. I hope that I can learn from this situation. Thanks again
You have expressed yourself clearly and we all do have a different perspective, but fact of the matter is you are trying to blame someone else for your own mistakes. Let it go and focus on yourself, there's no shame in that. First you must take responsibility for your actions though, good or bad, wise or stupid and understand nobody can make you do anything you do not want to (that's called a crime in Canada).
 

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I very much agree. I believe it's hard for me to move on because he's the first person to allow me to feel feelings. I've been cold for a long time. I will put it to use in someone that will reciprocate my affection.
 

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I think we have very different ways of looking at my experience. I appreciate your input but it's not exactly one that I agree with - I may have no explained myself very clearly (this is my first post on the forums). I'm looking at this logically, my feeling side is very underdeveloped. I hope that I can learn from this situation. Thanks again
It's okay.

http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m60yj23Zpr1rxmeddo1_500.png

I'm just really sorry to hear that you have had a bad experience with a relationship. I myself have too, and at that time, I realised it was a rebound situation for myself. When I realised this, this hurt myself so much more than it hurts the other person. he even then stayed friends and showed me how much he was liked and doted by this younger girl ! What an Ass !!!

But to be honest, the ME now, may be ready to accept somebody like that.. and remain mutual, cos there is a difference between doing something and not knowing why, and then there is actively knowing something and doing it, and maintaining the risk...

So next time, think more about the different guys and really realise that it will indeed hit your own emotional core too at a later date, regardless of what the other party wants. You also have a right too... remember this. As long as you are honest with your own personality and yourself, and if the other party is also honest with themselves too, you can more often than not, see the differences much more clearly.
 

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I think this was a response to me...? Sorry if it wasn't, but no quotes so:

"I think we have very different ways of looking at my experience... I may have no explained myself very clearly."
I don't see how you could ever explain consensual sex as being the other party's fault; no matter how worded. Sorry. (Those 3 exceptions aside: You're a child with an adult, severely mentally handicapped, or drugged against your will.) Again, if there was abuse, there's no mention of specifics.

"I appreciate your input but it's not exactly one that I agree with"
No-one who wants to be a victim ever does.

"I'm looking at this logically - my feeling side is very underdeveloped."
I have to disagree, it seems very emotional. Though now I'm on a computer I can see your demographic is Gen Z so you must be quite young, I understand that assertiveness of your needs mightn't come easily. I would advise you to refrain from sex IF you don't understand how you feel about it yet.

"I hope that I can learn from this situation."
I hope you can too. I hope some of what I've said has sunk in. Sex is an adult action, and you have responsibilities to yourself to protect your emotional wellbeing. That's all I want you to see here. No-one else will do it for you, and while the other posters are tip-toeing around it and vaildating your denial of your involvement; you'll keep feeling like you've been used, and it goes on to into future relationships, unless you see it's on you to go after what you want, and not partake in things that make you uncomfortable.

Best of luck with future relationships, I mean this genuinely! :happy:
 
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