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I feel like I have a problem with wanting to become friends with people who are emotionally unavailable (focus more on "rationality" and reject feelings in thinking.)

I was once friends with an ENTP who did not understand others' feelings and thought they were dumb. She would often do small things that hurt me, like forgetting my birthday, or forgetting small details I had told her many times when I never forgot the things she's told me just once, telling me she didn't consider me a "friend" yet, etc. She didn't know it hurt me so I couldn't blame her. When we first started talking all the time, I felt happy to be getting close to her, only to later realize that there was no way we could be close because she'd never care about me as much as I cared about her.

Now I've become friends with an INTP who seems to have little regard for my feelings. I've stayed up an extra hour some nights listening to her problems and talking to her, always careful to protect her feelings (which she keeps very hidden and buried so it's hard to know what affects her and what doesn't), and done my best to be there for her when she needs me. In return, I am slightly hurt when she simply replies "night" after a long conversation of me listening to her, or when she doesn't care about my problems in return, or when she doesn't care to be blunt when she knows it's a hit to my self-esteem.

I've always had some sort of giving/receiving dilemma where sometimes I feel like I give a lot to others but don't receive from them. I've learned to not expect to receive anything, but perhaps it is the type of friends I have that is the problem. Despite the fact that they hurt me just by being them, I am somehow attracted to the "rational" and analytical conversations we have where emotion doesn't get in the way. Do I have some type of problem by being attracted to having these kinds of friends?
 

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I feel like I have a problem with wanting to become friends with people who are emotionally unavailable (focus more on "rationality" and reject feelings in thinking.)

I was once friends with an ENTP who did not understand others' feelings and thought they were dumb. She would often do small things that hurt me, like forgetting my birthday, or forgetting small details I had told her many times when I never forgot the things she's told me just once, telling me she didn't consider me a "friend" yet, etc. She didn't know it hurt me so I couldn't blame her. When we first started talking all the time, I felt happy to be getting close to her, only to later realize that there was no way we could be close because she'd never care about me as much as I cared about her.

Now I've become friends with an INTP who seems to have little regard for my feelings. I've stayed up an extra hour some nights listening to her problems and talking to her, always careful to protect her feelings (which she keeps very hidden and buried so it's hard to know what affects her and what doesn't), and done my best to be there for her when she needs me. In return, I am slightly hurt when she simply replies "night" after a long conversation of me listening to her, or when she doesn't care about my problems in return, or when she doesn't care to be blunt when she knows it's a hit to my self-esteem.

I've always had some sort of giving/receiving dilemma where sometimes I feel like I give a lot to others but don't receive from them. I've learned to not expect to receive anything, but perhaps it is the type of friends I have that is the problem. Despite the fact that they hurt me just by being them, I am somehow attracted to the "rational" and analytical conversations we have where emotion doesn't get in the way. Do I have some type of problem by being attracted to having these kinds of friends?
Our bluntness can be one of our strengths.
 

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Plague Doctor
INTJ, 5w4, Ni-T type
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I'll have to reply to this better after I've gotten sleep, but have you considered that maybe you're not seeking out emotionally unavailable people, but that you are naturally attracted to people who care in a different way than you do? I mean, I have an ISFP friend who wasn't ever really into birthdays. I was born near Christmas and my parents sort of compensated by making my birthday a really big deal. He's had a conversation with me about how some people just don't value birthdays the way I do and, to be fair, as I've gotten older I not only don't value them, but I sort of don't appreciate them lol - they could stop, please? : )

But the one-sided relationship thing is another issue, too. Perhaps issues with boundary setting? Maybe you're naturally attracted to people with Axis II disorders?
 
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NTP solution for Bangkok cat piss flooding

drinkingthesky said:
I was once friends with an ENTP who did not understand others' feelings and thought they were dumb. She would often do small things that hurt me, like forgetting my birthday, or forgetting small details I had told her many times
We ENTPs are not interested in details, we focus on the big picture. If there is a friendship or a relationship there is a friendship or a relationship until it is over, and there is no need for constantly scanning the behaviour of a person to confirm the relationship status. Those little quirks that are used on dating sites for showcasing individuality just indicate that a person lacks the boot camp experience.

telling me she didn't consider me a "friend" yet
That makes sense. And obnoxious people who demand my telephone number or an email address just get some useless data. I had 10 ISDN telephone numbers with individual profiles, 1 to 4 for lovers, 5 for family and friends, 6 for business and 7 for undesirables – to each his own.

I've always had some sort of giving/receiving dilemma where sometimes I feel like I give a lot to others but don't receive from them.
NTPs expect you to come up with some exciting new information about an N topic. Emotions spilled are all over the place are like the overflowing water of a bath tub, like cat piss or even vomit for us. We try to do you a service by not reciprocating!

Now I've become friends with an INTP who seems to have little regard for my feelings.
The rather aristocratic emotional module of a cat satisfies INTPs, and we ENTPs can even easily deal with the dog module, but fortunately both animals don't expect birthday communication. And nobody complains, so far as I know. If you manage to understand cats you can also understand INTPs.
 

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We ENTPs are not interested in details, we focus on the big picture. If there is a friendship or a relationship there is a friendship or a relationship until it is over, and there is no need for constantly scanning the behaviour of a person to confirm the relationship status. Those little quirks that are used on dating sites for showcasing individuality just indicate that a person lacks the boot camp experience.



That makes sense. And obnoxious people who demand my telephone number or an email address just get some useless data. I had 10 ISDN telephone numbers with individual profiles, 1 to 4 for lovers, 5 for family and friends, 6 for business and 7 for undesirables – to each his own.



NTPs expect you to come up with some exciting new information about an N topic. Emotions spilled are all over the place are like the overflowing water of a bath tub, like cat piss or even vomit for us. We try to do you a service by not reciprocating!



The rather aristocratic emotional module of a cat satisfies INTPs, and we ENTPs can even easily deal with the dog module, but fortunately both animals don't expect birthday communication. And nobody complains, so far as I know. If you manage to understand cats you can also understand INTPs.
Can confirm.

 

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I don't mind the NT logic on it's own merit. It's basically innocent in it's expression. There is generally little callousness coming solely from the NT's thinking, it is what it is. That shift in perception can be a bit of a shock to some NF's who might be trying to extrapolate information based on feeling tones that weren't really there to begin with. With those who prioritize introverted thinking but are extroverted such as ENTP's/ESTP's who prefer stronger feeling than their introverted counterparts, there is deliberate liberty taking with logic and can be used in conjunct with twisting some people's arms. So this gives them a distinctive advantage.
 

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Don't be afraid to tell your NT friend that you need to discuss something and that you only want to discuss it in a certain way. If you don't want them just coming up with solutions, or whatever, tell them they're not allowed to do that. Truth is, sometimes discussing the dilemmas and emotional life of a friend can be stimulating in its own right.
 

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I've been in all kinds of friendships, I don't have a pattern of attracting only a specific dynamic.

My NT and ST types weren't all emotionally unavailable. At least half of them weren't. Two of them actually told me I love you, so you can imagine what our friendship meant to them.
The other half of NTs and STs were indeed emotionally unavailable, and I found myself talking to a wall all the time, which is why I simply detached myself -which is easy to do for me- and kept the friendships totally superficial, or dropped them. If it doesn't work, drop it! It's so simple.

I've also been in friendships with NFs and SFs where a few of them were unavailable, but it was almost always me who was emotionally unavailable for them, and they suffered a lot, trying desperately to get to me. I'm quite a detached person naturally, so people who are hiiiiighly emotional & I don't get along. I always have this fear that they're going to dump their entire emotional world on me, and suffocate me. And sure that's exactly what happened with my ex-friendships, which is why I ran away as fast as I could.

I need a good balance. People who aren't all over the place emotionally and people who are not robots. I haven't encountered many of the balanced dynamics in my lifetime, it would be nice to find some, but until then.... I'll enjoy my superficial acquaintances and keep my delicate energy close to me.
 
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Don't give to receive. And don't think they owe you anything or even you owe them anything. With that being said, that means if someone gives you some kind of love, they're not doing it because they owe it to you, they're doing it because they want to and they feel that way, and that's what you call friendship. It may be hard to find but they do exist.

My 2 cents: Don't settle for it if it's not fulfilling your needs. Regarding your current friendships: give them love if you feel like it, but not with the expectation that you'll receive any back. After that, if you're still unsatisfied with the relationship and don't feel like giving your love, then don't; kindly leave. There's plenty of other people out there, right for you, that will gladly give you love. It just might hard to find, you may even have to go out of your way to look, but maybe not :)
 
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