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Discussion Starter #1
So, I went on a date with an INTJ and it went great.
We went to dinner, went to a concert, had a drink and the night went well.
We talked, felt a connection so deep I can't describe it.
Didn't kiss, nothing more than holding hands and I kissed her cheek/forehead.
We left on a great note and she even held my hand as we departed company.

But as a couple days passed, I texted her a couple times saying things most women like to hear.
Such as "I can't wait to see you again" and "You texting me perked me up" after she texted me out of the blue.
Apparently I'm too emotionally needy?
Idk, as an INFJ I understand I can be emotional compared to a thinker, but I'm confused.
Also, there was an incident involving her most recent ex that I had been witness to, while they were dating.
It turned into a "He said, he said/she said/they lied" situation.
I told the truth and they lied to cover their own a$$es and in doing so made me look like a d-bag liar.
Needless to say I don't talk to those people any more. Doorslam and all that jazz.

Anyway, she won't talk to me any more and I look like a total a-hole, emotional wreck.
Mind you this connection we had has touched me so deeply that the loss of it has got me completely discombobulated and just effed up in general.

Anything I can do?
I'm dying here...

Twitch
 

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Well INTJs stereo-typically are uncomfortable with emotional reliance. You're comment about the deep connection suggests you might be displaying behaviour that would look that way to an INTJ.

I'd say your best bet is to call her on her crap, be direct, but you have to figure out how to do it artfully. You probably lost her respect with the displays of reliance, the only way to get her back is to get it back.
 

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But as a couple days passed, I texted her a couple times saying things most women like to hear.
Such as "I can't wait to see you again" and "You texting me perked me up" after she texted me out of the blue.
Apparently I'm too emotionally needy?
Possibly. But her reaction matters more to me. Did she respond? What happened in the text exchange? How many times did you text her? etc?

However, there is another issue:

Also, there was an incident involving her most recent ex that I had been witness to, while they were dating.
It turned into a "He said, he said/she said/they lied" situation.
I told the truth and they lied to cover their own a$$es and in doing so made me look like a d-bag liar.
Needless to say I don't talk to those people any more. Doorslam and all that jazz.

Anyway, she won't talk to me any more and I look like a total a-hole, emotional wreck.
Mind you this connection we had has touched me so deeply that the loss of it has got me completely discombobulated and just effed up in general.

Anything I can do?
I'm dying here...

Twitch
My guess is the second paragraph did more damage than the first one. I am a little confused about this though. What sort of incident are you referring to? Did you catch him cheating and no other witness backed him up?

But my guess is that being seen as dishonest would be worse than emotionally needy. But without details, I'm just guessing.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
I thought I should have gone back to her, but it seems she has cut off contact with me completely :(

Her reaction to my texts was that she doesn't like emotionally needy guys, she needs to feel passion in her relationship and that she never pursues that deep connection we both felt.
It really hurts thinking about the whole incident.

As for the incident she felt that I was saying the truth, but the overwhelming evidence against me has it kinda overruled anything I said.
The incident was I told her of an incident I thought she already knew about. The other 3 parties that were witness to it denied, but not as definitively as I confirmed it. And she said she believed me! But still goes with the logical choice rather than her intuition. Gah!!!

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Discussion Starter #6
I don't want to even think of them. I don't want to be dominant over them, I just want them to be honest. Sensers suck. They don't realize the implications of their actions and statements.
If you understand the INFJ doorslam, I never wish to even feel their presence in the furthest reach of my mind, let alone converse with them. Any interaction with them is limited and hostile.

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But as a couple days passed, I texted her a couple times saying things most women like to hear.
Such as "I can't wait to see you again" and "You texting me perked me up" after she texted me out of the blue.
I think that she knew you said things that most women like to hear, and took it as such, and it probably did not start it well.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
I think that she knew you said things that most women like to hear, and took it as such, and it probably did not start it well.
But they weren't lies or manipulative words. I honestly meant what I said. I just didn't keep it to myself, I told her how I felt at that point. I was a little too outright with my emotions with her apparently. I need to contact her in person I guess.

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So, I went on a date with an INTJ and it went great.
We went to dinner, went to a concert, had a drink and the night went well.
We talked, felt a connection so deep I can't describe it.
Didn't kiss, nothing more than holding hands and I kissed her cheek/forehead.
We left on a great note and she even held my hand as we departed company.

But as a couple days passed, I texted her a couple times saying things most women like to hear.
Such as "I can't wait to see you again" and "You texting me perked me up" after she texted me out of the blue.
Apparently I'm too emotionally needy?
Idk, as an INFJ I understand I can be emotional compared to a thinker, but I'm confused.
Also, there was an incident involving her most recent ex that I had been witness to, while they were dating.
It turned into a "He said, he said/she said/they lied" situation.
I told the truth and they lied to cover their own a$$es and in doing so made me look like a d-bag liar.
Needless to say I don't talk to those people any more. Doorslam and all that jazz.

Anyway, she won't talk to me any more and I look like a total a-hole, emotional wreck.
Mind you this connection we had has touched me so deeply that the loss of it has got me completely discombobulated and just effed up in general.

Anything I can do?
I'm dying here...

Twitch
You seem female.
If you were a female I would stop talking to you because you're too emotional.
Seeing as you're male this means you are more emotional than most women that I can stand speaking to.

If you need someone to text you to perk you up, this tells me that you would need outside attention to stop you from dwelling in sadness.
You will probably object to this statement because it's "not true".
Well yes, that's because you're not being yourself, are you?
Stop telling people "What they want/like to hear" (ie. being dishonest) and be yourself.

You're welcome.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
And now the stereotypical INTJ ass-ness comes out.
Her texting out of the blue is somewhat outside of her character, so it was nice to be the recipient of something that she doesn't normally do.

And see the above rebuttal about my prior statement. I wasn't being dishonest with her, I was just telling her how I felt rather than hiding it and waiting to converse with her at a later time.
I phrased that wrong, I should have said, "I told her I missed her and couldn't wait to see her again. I got a response I wasn't expecting."
Sound better?
And I was being myself at that point. I have been nothing but open and honest with this girl and all I have gotten was a slowly closed door and multiple locks on said door.

As for your "You seem female" statement, congratulations, you've joined the league of extraordinary perceivers. I'm not female, but I do get turned down like a girl asking another girl on a date.

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And now the stereotypical INTJ ass-ness comes out.
Her texting out of the blue is somewhat outside of her character, so it was nice to be the recipient of something that she doesn't normally do.

And see the above rebuttal about my prior statement. I wasn't being dishonest with her, I was just telling her how I felt rather than hiding it and waiting to converse with her at a later time.
I phrased that wrong, I should have said, "I told her I missed her and couldn't wait to see her again. I got a response I wasn't expecting."
Sound better?
And I was being myself at that point. I have been nothing but open and honest with this girl and all I have gotten was a slowly closed door and multiple locks on said door.

As for your "You seem female" statement, congratulations, you've joined the league of extraordinary perceivers. I'm not female, but I do get turned down like a girl asking another girl on a date.

Twitch
You seem to either change your stories often or just say things that you don't mean in the first place. That could apply to the things that you tell females such as "I can't wait to see you again". You don't mean that, nobody could ever mean that, waiting is almost always possible. Statements like that will only bury you. It induces a rolling of the eyes.
If I watch a movie and someone says "Baby, I need you like oxygen <3" my instant reaction is to scoff at how ridiculous such a statement is. Clearly he doesn't need his partner like oxygen. He can't inhale her and if we were to experiment or time how long the man can survive without her presence we would likely discover that he could last a very, very long time without her. Just like how you could actually wait forever or not at all and give up with this current female.
Hence you lack integrity; Your words do not match your actions and vice versa. In layman's terms: you talk bullshit.

Tell me that you never say a lie.
 

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OP:

So lets just get things straight here.

1. You had a great date with an INTJ woman.

2. You think you lost her by being what she called "too emotionally needy."

3. There was some sort of argument and blame-game that occured that alienated you two.

So, you want to set things straight because of the great connection you felt, but she's completely shut you out, and you don't know what to do.

In general, the best choice is to sit down with her and talk to her. It seems like the only way for the relationship to be fixed is to clear everything up somehow or other.

As to point number 2, obviously Fe (INFJ) works differently than Fi (INTJ's tertiary). Fi is very personal and isn't easily expressed, whereas Fe is more eager to express values openly and to expect everyone to have the same, standard, values. Fi users want something special and unique, something to have very deep personal meaning.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
You seem to either change your stories often or just say things that you don't mean in the first place. That could apply to the things that you tell females such as "I can't wait to see you again". You don't mean that, nobody could ever mean that, waiting is almost always possible. Statements like that will only bury you. It induces a rolling of the eyes.
If I watch a movie and someone says "Baby, I need you like oxygen <3" my instant reaction is to scoff at how ridiculous such a statement is. Clearly he doesn't need his partner like oxygen. He can't inhale her and if we were to experiment or time how long the man can survive without her presence we would likely discover that he could last a very, very long time without her. Just like how you could actually wait forever or not at all and give up with this current female.
Hence you lack integrity; Your words do not match your actions and vice versa. In layman's terms: you talk bullshit.

Tell me that you never say a lie.
I can't say that as I am imperfect and have lied before.
But, the meaning of those statements wasn't literal, it was abstract.
Yes, I physically could wait to see her, but saying, "I can wait to see you, but I don't want to," doesn't carry the same feeling or effect as, "I can't wait to see you."
There is a drastic difference between slinging BS and using symbolic and meta-physical terms/phrases.

OP:

So lets just get things straight here.

1. You had a great date with an INTJ woman.

2. You think you lost her by being what she called "too emotionally needy."

3. There was some sort of argument and blame-game that occured that alienated you two.

So, you want to set things straight because of the great connection you felt, but she's completely shut you out, and you don't know what to do.

In general, the best choice is to sit down with her and talk to her. It seems like the only way for the relationship to be fixed is to clear everything up somehow or other.

As to point number 2, obviously Fe (INFJ) works differently than Fi (INTJ's tertiary). Fi is very personal and isn't easily expressed, whereas Fe is more eager to express values openly and to expect everyone to have the same, standard, values. Fi users want something special and unique, something to have very deep personal meaning.
I understand.
Thank you for your further explanation of Fi.

As for the connection, she said she felt it as well, and even acknowledged its rarity.
And the was no argument, just a series of conversations and statements between her and the other parties involved, me included.
It was just a slow degeneration of our relationship into no contact.

I guess I'll just have to go back and talk to her in person. Thank you all for your advice.

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Discussion Starter #14
I talked to her, not in person, but via telephone, as a 4 hour drive one way hasn't been an option as of late.
And since I'm a reminder of said incident (even my voice is a reminder ;_; ) she can't date me.
So my 2 options are to wait her out, or give up.
I would say date other girls while I'm waiting her out, but that wouldn't be fair to them, and would only cause me more pain.

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And now the stereotypical INTJ ass-ness comes out.
Her texting out of the blue is somewhat outside of her character, so it was nice to be the recipient of something that she doesn't normally do.

And see the above rebuttal about my prior statement. I wasn't being dishonest with her, I was just telling her how I felt rather than hiding it and waiting to converse with her at a later time.
I phrased that wrong, I should have said, "I told her I missed her and couldn't wait to see her again. I got a response I wasn't expecting."
Sound better?
And I was being myself at that point. I have been nothing but open and honest with this girl and all I have gotten was a slowly closed door and multiple locks on said door.

As for your "You seem female" statement, congratulations, you've joined the league of extraordinary perceivers. I'm not female, but I do get turned down like a girl asking another girl on a date.

Twitch
There's your answer right there.... Deal with it. Move on. Someone else will be ready to love you in the way you need... They will be a better fit.

Don't expect INTJs to be anything other than what they are, people... You asked for assessment, you got it. If you didn't want it, don't ask.

I wish you well, I hope you find someone who ticks all your boxes :)
 
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