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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Yeah, my apologies for the painfully clever title :rolleyes:

So, I suppose I am just mostly curious if this has anything to do with personality type...or just a me thing. Due to recent conflicts I have had, I have come to realize that whenever a situation provokes an emotional reaction within me, I need a TON of time processing it.

For example, when my husband does something that upsets me, I will recognize I'm upset immediately, but when he instantly expects me to explain it, or even simply identify it (why it upsets me, and exactly what emotion I'm experiencing -- i.e. sadness, anger, etc.) I freeze up and need to think about it, almost usually for DAYS before I can really identify it and understand it enough to explain it to him.

Unfortunately, most people (including my husband) almost always want some sort of explanation and discussion to happen on the spot, and are consistently frustrated with my inability to do this. I don't really care that they're frustrated, honestly, but I do care that their frustration tends to result in pushing me to give them some sort of response that I don't yet have...which is annoying for me. If they persist too much, it will end up making me so angry that then, I can't even concentrate on getting to the bottom of the original issue.

Is this common for INTJs, or just a personal type of thing?
 

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I freeze up from emotional pressure too. I've learned to tell people around me that I'm bottling it up and just need time. They have learned to understand and respect that. Because too often they haven't and they end up coming to all sorts of assumptions about me and afterwards when the situation has passed and we can talk about it casually I say something like "well I was really just confused and not being selfish" or something like that. So they've learned to respect that and refrain from jumping to conclusions when I can't talk about an issue I'm going through.
 

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I think I understand this. After I get upset I always spend a very long time breaking it down to understand exactly why: Was it the actions of the other person or was it a oversight on my part? Is this the first time this person has done this or am I angry because they always do this? etc.

I know that this is frustrating both for yourself and the other person. My ex was always extremely aggravated with me because I would spend so long considering what I am supposed to say. He'd say, "NO! STOP THINKING! DON'T think about your responses, I want you to tell me EXACTLY WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND without FILTERING IT OUT! I just want your THOUGHTS!"

... Um, no. You don't quite understand. There are no thoughts. There is nothing concrete in my head that I can actually say to you to explain why I'm upset. If I talk to you now I'll only be spewing a load of unintelligible babble, incomplete sentences that contradict one another.

I take the time to consider these thoughts because it's important. If I explain why I'm upset and I'm wrong about the reason, we're spending all this time trying to fix one problem when really the problem is something else.
 

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Usually I don't need days to process but certainly it takes some time. We clash a bit with my partner on the "reply NOW" thing (not always related to emotions) as well. I just tell him to chill, that I need some time to process and I will tell him what's on my mind whenever I'm ready.
 

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Same here, hang in there.


I lived the same thing, and I didn't say “I need time to answer you, or to clear this up by myself“ first . It became that the next step after freezing up repeatedly, it was pretty much explosive. With an ENTJ. One day, the stress goes out, the longer the pressure, the worse.
 

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i've gotten better at speaking me-feelz over the years, but i still need the time to find out what those feelz are. which cannot be done while someone is yapping at me. and i refuse to talk about symptoms, which is what people usually want.

i need to figure out the actual story of however i feel. not just 'i feel x' but 'i feel x, something set that off, what was that something exactly, okay, now that i've got that in context what was that something thing really about and would you ever just leave me alone about it while i'm trying to figure this out.' because if you talk at me while i'm trying to do that, i'll lose the whole house of cards and have to start on it over again.

partners of mine have found out the hard way that nagging at me will not get them whatever they're looking for. and it will not resolve their anxiety, and i can't do anything more about that than they can. in fairness to them, i try to at least give them the confidence that when i am ready i'll talk to them, by telling them that . . . and then following through.
 

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I freeze up if I'm put on the spot. Depending on the nature of the emotion, it might take a couple hours to figure it out, but thats an extreme case, especially if I'm afforded the quiet solitude I need. Generally I need the time because I want to givethe best possible answer and have it be specific as well as accurate. I don't like expressing things and changing my mind the next day or exaggerating a truth.

In terms of me deciding that I want to express something and planning in advance, I have significantly less issues with this.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
i've gotten better at speaking me-feelz over the years, but i still need the time to find out what those feelz are. which cannot be done while someone is yapping at me. and i refuse to talk about symptoms, which is what people usually want.

i need to figure out the actual story of however i feel. not just 'i feel x' but 'i feel x, something set that off, what was that something exactly, okay, now that i've got that in context what was that something thing really about and would you ever just leave me alone about it while i'm trying to figure this out.' because if you talk at me while i'm trying to do that, i'll lose the whole house of cards and have to start on it over again.

partners of mine have found out the hard way that nagging at me will not get them whatever they're looking for. and it will not resolve their anxiety, and i can't do anything more about that than they can. in fairness to them, i try to at least give them the confidence that when i am ready i'll talk to them, by telling them that . . . and then following through.
And, I do promise people that I will talk to them when ready to...but for some people, that seems too much to ask. They want answers, and they want them now.

What makes me angry about that, too, isn't just that they want answers that I don't have... they only nag for selfish reasons. They don't like how it feels to not know, right away. But, they never stop to consider how that might make me -- the person experiencing the feelings -- feel. I mean, believe me, I'd love to know and understand my feelings the moment I experience them. It would make life so much easier.

I also wish not to discuss my feelings and thoughts with people if they are not actually ready to attempt to understand/respect them. In one of my most recent conflicts (which prompted this thread) the other party decided that the moment I tried to start expressing how I felt (briefly, since I still didn't have it all figured out yet) that it was a brilliant idea to tell me in so many words that they really didn't care. Yet, they persisted to ask me to continue discussing it with them afterwards. WHY -- if you don't care-- do you feel that I should waste my time/energy/words to express something to you if it's not going to be used for anything productive?
 

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Nope (edit: I mean I don't have that issue), i thought that was a Fi thing. Thats the main thing I use to determine INFJ vs INTJ. :crying: back to the drawing board.
 

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WHY -- if you don't care-- do you feel that I should waste my time/energy/words to express something to you if it's not going to be used for anything productive?
well, that's emo-management based on the your-feels-are-spiders principle. 'i know they're in there somewhere, so bring them out here where i can spray RAID on them.' it's productive for the person who's doing it, imo. but that's based on my own observations about what really motivates and drives different people when it's a question of someone else's feelings.
 

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I thought the reasons come first, then the feels. I've never come across that kind of situation, first I go through the reasons and thoughts, "should I feel this or that concerning this thing?" and then decide that should I have that feel. But in the end, why even have that certain feel, if you don't even know the reason to it? It really depends on the situation.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
I thought the reasons come first, then the feels. I've never come across that kind of situation, first I go through the reasons and thoughts, "should I feel this or that concerning this thing?" and then decide that should I have that feel. But in the end, why even have that certain feel, if you don't even know the reason to it? It really depends on the situation.
Well, that is usually the case for me.

I am talking more specifically about especially overwhelming situations, in which the overwhelm tends to interfere with my ability to make words. I just freeze. And, in all fairness, it only takes days to process things sometimes when the other person resists giving me the appropriate space and quiet to gather my thoughts entirely.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
well, that's emo-management based on the your-feels-are-spiders principle. 'i know they're in there somewhere, so bring them out here where i can spray RAID on them.' it's productive for the person who's doing it, imo. but that's based on my own observations about what really motivates and drives different people when it's a question of someone else's feelings.

Please explain how that's productive for the other person. I mean, I understand that sometimes people like to sh*t on others' feelings to make themselves feel better... but that's not necessarily productive.
 

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Please explain how that's productive for the other person. I mean, I understand that sometimes people like to sh*t on others' feelings to make themselves feel better... but that's not necessarily productive.
there's short-term productive and long-term. when people do it what they're looking for is peace of mind for themselves. it's a short-term 'benefit', but it takes most people a really long time to realise that in the long term that approach comes with a high cost. and not everyone does put the two sides of the math together.

20 years ago i was talking to this young jug-eared twit about his own plans for what his own kids would be like. i listened to his initial road-map and said (from experience) 'could be though that you'll get a kid whose temperament doesn't really blend with your plans.' what he said boggled me. it could only have come from someone who didn't have kids but he was entirely sincere. he didn't even pause to re-think it or anything. just 'well, then i'll tell them how they should feel about things.'

i had a 5-yo of my own at that time and i laughed in his face. but he believed it. other people's feelings were just so many more practical lego blocks that could be moved around and configured to construct the view of the world he wanted. the thing is though, you cannot force people like that to learn what experience could teach them if they were willing to learn. some people eventually catch on that that just isn't the way that it works. other people don't. the ones who don't learn do notice that their controlling behaviour doesn't have the result that they want, but they keep trying to apply the same 'solution' that caused the problem to it. 'you feel alienated from me because yada yada. well, you shouldn't feel alienated. you should like me. you should feel yap blargle blah about how i act'.
 

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Out of curiosity, what MBTI type is your husband?

I do freeze up when put on the spot or when a comeback line is expected of me. If the emotion is anger I can usually explain that instantly & can even anticipate things that will upset me. However when it's something like hurt feelings, falling in love, grief, jealousy, or even intimacy these emotions can take a while to sink in for me. I process these things at a slower pace & when they surface they can be a bit confusing, scary, & even surprising for me. These are some examples of what happened & my delayed reactions:

1) A friend (ESFJ) came up to me out of the blue & asked me if I was happy? He left me speechless because I had never even considered that question before. I thought happiness was irrelevant until he brought it to my attention & pointed out why he said what he did. Following the explanation, the emotions he stirred up inside of me were confusing, scary, & not to mention how vulnerable I felt after he saw something in me I was oblivious to. I'm still a bit dumbfounded.

2) Another family friend was diagnosed with cancer & died 3 weeks later. I was obviously sad but I didn't cry when I found out. However when I left his memorial service I was crying so much that I could not even see. I had never cried like that for any person including when my grandparents passed away. It was a shock to me & I came to realize how much this man actually meant to me. He was more like family than my blood relatives.

3) When I was falling in love with an ENFJ I was not really sure what was happening to me. I felt nervous, happy, scared, all at the same time but could not figure out why I blushed every time this man entered the room. It took awhile for me to realize what was going on. I'm sure he figured it out before I did. Anyway he did not reciprocate my feelings so when he deliberately ignored me at a later point it took some time before I realized he had hurt me. Situations like these make me feel retarded when it comes to understanding my feelings & in dealing with relationships in general.
 

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I do freeze up when put on the spot or when a comeback line is expected of me. If the emotion is anger I can usually explain that instantly & can even anticipate things that will upset me. However when it's something like hurt feelings, falling in love, grief, jealousy, or even intimacy these emotions can take a while to sink in for me. I process these things at a slower pace & when they surface they can be a bit confusing, scary, & even surprising for me.
Bingo. Anger? I can usually explain it right away and process it to get it out of the way. If I don't get through it right away, then I withdraw and detach from feelings even more than I already do.

On the other hand, love, hurt feelings, and the like are a lot more difficult. I'll often realize that something is off but it's hard to figure out what it is. Something may hurt my feelings or cause me confusion hours or days after the fact. Whereas my husband who has a fairly well-developed emotional side to him, often figures these things out before I do. Luckily he doesn't (usually) ask questions until after I've processed things for myself. Heck, he knew I was into him as more than my hot friend before I realized it. So did our mutual friends, who spent almost six months engineering scenarios in which he and I were alone together.

As socially/emotionally slow as I am, I've come to rely on certain friends' emotional intelligence to an extent, just as they rely on me at times to give an objective explanation to a problem.
 
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...On the other hand, love, hurt feelings, and the like are a lot more difficult. I'll often realize that something is off but it's hard to figure out what it is. Something may hurt my feelings or cause me confusion hours or days after the fact. ...As socially/emotionally slow as I am, I've come to rely on certain friends' emotional intelligence to an extent
I've been feeling like this for almost a week now. I have no idea what's wrong but I'm feeling a heaviness on my heart, an unexplainable sadness, nervous anxiety, almost like I'm in a state of shock but I couldn't tell you why. I even checked the local news to see if something had happened to someone I know, because it almost feels like mourning. I have a friend (ESFJ) that usually helps me understand my emotions but he has a lot on his plate right now, so I don't want to bother him. Besides I wouldn't even know where to start because I don't know what brought this on. I don't even know what this feeling is, I just know something is wrong.
:frustrating::dry::rolleyes:
 

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I think the freezing up is inherent in most INTJs due to an INTJs need to completely understand themselves (or anything for that matter) before they feel they can make a proper judgement on it.
When I'm under a lot of emotional strain I always want some time to myself to think things though, let myself calm down and work it out.
 
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