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I have a problem. I tend to create very intense relationships with people whom i find 'intense', they dont come around all that often but when they do i snatch onto them. My problem is that when i dont have any 'intense' relationships i feel so empty and depressed and well...bored. These relationships arent always so healthy cause they usually tend to lead to obsession which is torture! So what do i do? feel depressed or feel tortured? i tried to fill the intensity with music and art and creativity but nothing beats the actual human connection. help!!!
 

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It seems to me that one of the most important lessons a typical INFP needs to learn is to enjoy being alone.

Sounds like you need some sort of rush in your life and 'intense' relationships fill that need. Try something new that is different from your other hobbies. Martial arts, sports, dancing, aerobics, and maybe some sort of weapon-related class (firearms, fencing, archery, etc.).

Fill your life with things like that and you won't feel the need to be obsessed in any future relationships. The best relationship (and really the only type of relationship that should happen) is the one where it involves fulfilled lives on both ends.
 

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Cafe Legend and MOTM Jan 2011
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Intense connections are good. Obsession gets a bad reputation without any good reason. Feel everything. Feel it as much as you possibly can, and if tangling your feelings in someone else's intensity is dangerous, learn to love danger. It is something beautiful.
 

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I can sort of relate. I like having intense emotional connections with people too. When I don't get 'my fill', i start feeling empty and bored, like you said. One thing that helps me out tremendously is volunteering at a crisis line. So when my life is boring and not intense, at least I can go in there once a week and talk to some people who are feeling intense emotions. It levels me out, i think. Have you considered being a counselor?
 

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I can relate! JigglyJello is right - I find a lot of consolation in doing other things to fill myself up.

From my experience, I agree with you that obsessing over an intense relationship is unhealthy. You said you tried to fill yourself up with pursuing the arts and other ventures; I did that too, and the hunger for intensity can work in your favour! Use your desire to fill up your emptiness in a good way - do new things, meet new people, find meaning in your life.

As Ernest Hemingway said, "everything good and bad leaves an emptiness when it stops. If it was bad the emptiness fills up by itself. If it was good, you can fill it up by finding something better."

Then when the time is right, and you feel fulfilled the right person will come to you because what you don't have now comes back again.
 

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MOTM Dec 2012
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We are so used to having intense emotions, and feeling them intensely.

But, it's also very draining at the end, when things start to settle down.

And, then it's on to the next intense experience....

It's not laziness, it's lack of intensity.

I can't handle the routine.

I need freedom to think and be.
 

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I always have that kind of experience which is just painiful. I now lower my expectation for people because I know that they won't be as 'intensive' as I am. However, I still treat every relationship seriously, but only cool it down when they are 'unresponsive'. I can't stop myself from in attempt to form good relationships with others because this is who I am - I love people. But the only thing in mind is that be realisitc sometimes.
 

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Become an activist of some kind, though it can be hard to figure out what. I feel empty without fighting for something.

As for relationships, I go for intensity there, too. Maybe the problem is not connecting with people who want the same (who enjoy mutual obession). I understand the Enneagram instinctual variants can be helpful in that regard. I think having multiple life passions can keep relationship intensity from becoming explosive.
 

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I understand your pain. I literally CANNOT hold a normal conversation with someone anymore.. it's so dull I feel like shooting myself.. or ignoring them.. but that then hurts them which I cannot do either..

Sadly, intense relationship are the only way to heal the hole. I guess controlled obsession can be a good thing - it shows you care at least?

The only way out is to have an intense relationship with yourself. (I think that has already been said actually..) I create almost a 'Me 2' in my head, who can be weirdly fulfilling.. we have some great conversations and she makes me laugh a lot

^ Ok that just proves the crazy created from all these intense relationships.. We're so unhealthy XD
 
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MOTM June 2012
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I have the same problem. I crave intensity not only in relationships and friendships, but in life as a whole. You have to really watch yourself though, because it's like sticking your finger in a lightsocket. You can burn out very quickly. You have to watch that it dosen't lead to depression, addictions, obsessions, and /or escapism. That being said, I'd much rather live with as much intensity and passion as I possibly can. We're not here for very long, so might as well make the most of it. Goodluck with yoru situation.
 

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Living without intensity is like not living at all. I like time alone to 'chill out' from the intense relationships i have and then straight back into the fray - finishing each others sentences, playing with words and building mad metephors, pulling at treads to see where there they lead, diving in deep emotionally and coming up for air - i love it.
 
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