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Discussion Starter #1
I've been dating an INTJ male for over three years. We've been living together for one. Over the past year, I've noticed things becoming stale and unexciting. I put in effort for a long time and expressed my feelings about things that bothered me in attempt to keep things alive, with little success. That period of time caused my romantic interest to wain significantly.

A little over a month ago, an event transpired that caused him to think he might lose me. Since then, he has put in effort. It's extremely painful but I can't help feeling it's too little, too late-- I've begun to move on.

Last night, after pushing to know what's been bothering me, I told him that I wanted to move out. It hurt him deeply, it's the first time I've seen him cry, and he cried long and hard. We both cried. He told me that he thought I was the one, and that his future was falling apart. I know these things happen, but here's the tough part that I need help with, he said (and I'd considered this already) that if this ends, he really hates meeting new people and he could see himself not even trying.

I do not dislike him, I care for him deeply, and it's nauseating to think of him being alone and lonely. He doesn't need much, but he does need something in the way of interpersonal relationships. The fact is, I am the only socialization he gets.

What can I do? I feel that I need space and to be on my own, but hurting him this way is the hardest thing I've ever done. Being with him out of a sense of guilt isn't healthy for either of us, but I don't know how else to save him from the misery I'm inflicting.

Are there any INTJs or people who have dated INTJs who have any advice on how to handle this? I'd be glad to supply more details if needed.
 

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His future is not your responsibility. His happiness being dependent on you is not your responsibility. His security being dependent on you is not your responsibility.

Do your own thing. Live life with love and let those who need to get consequences, easy or harsh, deal with them. We don't become better people by being shielded from life. You have no way of knowing what the future may hold for him, and if he does in fact choose to let his future suck, well, that is his own choice. Live your life and be happy.
 

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On paper, I know that. Several people have said the same thing, and reinforcement is probably what I'm looking for. Thank you. I've never felt pain like this before.
 

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On paper, I know that. Several people have said the same thing, and reinforcement is probably what I'm looking for. Thank you. I've never felt pain like this before.
Well, hey, perhaps you've put some of your own security into him. People feel what they feel. If they are so broken up, perhaps it means there's something they need to learn. Nothing to say that it's your fault. Everyone has their own things to learn. You're not responsible for making anyone avoid emotional pain.
 

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I'd like to add that you should be honest with him breaking up, even consider telling him the reasons if it's not apparent. It won't mean anything to him now, but in the future when he reflects on why things failed, you don't want him to think "Things failed because I suck at relationships and people and I'll never be good", but rather "Things failed because ____, _____, and ____." The latter is actually productive and hopefully it'll help him be more successful in future relationships.

I agree with WolfStar, you don't need to feel responsible for his emotions or how he'll live the rest of his life. Break up with him in the "best way possible", whatever that may be, and move on.
 

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Be honest, but not unkind, with him and communicate clearly.

I agree, you shouldn't be with someone out of guilt. You have needs and a right to be in a relationship where you feel loved and secure.

As for him, the one thing he is going to want above all else is total honesty and answers. It's a lot easier for an INTJ to move on from a relationship when one can see that it is broken, or that it would hurt the other person to stay. The worst thing you can do to an INTJ during a break up is to leave them wondering what went wrong. INTJs have a massive respect for honesty.

Also we can be kind of blind. What is obvious to other types, or what others assume that we know instinctively, isn't always obvious or know. That's not your fault, it's just something you might need to consider during future conversations when you need to get your point across. Communicate clearly where the relationship went wrong and why you think its time that both of you should move on.

Finally, some emotional pain is going to be unavoidable. That's normal at the end of a relationship and you cannot prevent that.
 

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whenever anything with a serious emotional impact happens my first reaction can be just a measure of the extent of the injury. there's a phase of me speaking in absolutes. 'nothing will ever', 'i'll never', etc. without being callous about it, even i try not to take it too seriously. it's not the usual intj statement of absolute fact, it's just me expressing the way that it feels. you could say that since emo isn't exactly our strongest point, and yet at the same time many of us are very emotional, we're a little, um . . . crude in our tools for expressing this stuff. sometimes. some of us.

a more useful thing for you might be to look past that, and think about the longer-term knowledge you have of him. whatever that is, it's probably the baseline you can count on him progressing back to eventually, once the pain's been processed. and yeah, even if he doesn't go for too much non-you social contact, it's perfectly possible that getting galvanized into actually expressing his need for at least some contact will cause him to go out later and start addressing that problem himself.

don't stay just to keep his own personality propped up for him. if you're not happy, that's not going to change over time. and if it doesn't change then there's this whole selfishness-on-his-part dynamic that's not going to help.
 

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yea love makes you blind to the incompatibilities.
then after 3-5 years, the "love" wares off and if you didn't randomly happen to fall for someone who was compatible, things go downhilll and then end (with an enormous amount of pain and suffering).
biology is amzing and interesting, but also sick and fucked up.


Anyway, regarding your problem, he will just have to put in some effort to meet new people. It is not fair on you to feel like you have to stay in an unhappy relationship to stop his unhappiness. The net effect is no better that way for starters, and why should you swap out his misery to youreslf.


If you want to help, you can help write down a strategy of ways for him to meet new people.
Then it is TOTALLY up to him to follow through with those steps. If you DO any of hte steps of him, then that just reinforces his helplessness. Of course, he could ask you to help adjust the strategy or plan, but he has to be the one going through the steps.

Eg.
Joining a gym helps alot. People are often really friendly there. Many go there more for socialising than even exercising.
Any other group sport is also great
meeting initially online might be possibly in some situations

By the way, if you live in a big city this could be incredibly difficult and possibly not even possible, as people are often cliquey in big cities, often not at all open to meeting new people.
 

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I agree with what everyone else has said. You are not responsible for him, only for yourself. Tell him why you're breaking up with him so that he doesn't make something up/isn't overly hard on himself. Be direct and honest. When he stops hurting he'll genuinely appreciate the feedback and use it for future relationships.
 

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That does not sound good. You should be genuine with how you feel. Don't stay in a relationship because you think it is of service to your partner. Be there for him but at the same time, take time you need to focus on yourself and what you want out of a relationship.
 

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“The good is one thing, the gratifying is quite another”


That is from the Upanishad. Take the meaning as you will. I'd personally ease my way out if possible.
 
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