Personality Cafe banner

1 - 6 of 6 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hey everyone,

Basically to keep the story as short as possible.
I'm the ENFJ and he is an ENTP.

I'm not guessing the types we have both tested ourselves :)

Our relationship began suddenly and out of the blue he chased me wanted me complimented me and we fell in love. I guess seeming out of character for that type I don't know.
Basically we were together for nearing 2 years before we broke up 2 weeks back.
A few weeks before I noticed there was some stress on our relationship, he's at a cross roads in his life about where to head and unsure of his future. (We're both studying for our degree's)

Throughout the relationship he's always been worried he never made me happy or couldn't make me happy and that I was sad all the time. This was frequently the basis of any talk we'd need to have. (We always agreed to talk situations out rather than just break up)
I'm currently undergoing CBT and had moderate depression and moderate anxiety however 5 days before we broke up my depression had been classified as mild. I'm also super sensitive to my emotions, I can cry but not be sad but instead just be overwhelmed by the situation if that makes any sense at all.
He said he needed space also which I respected, I could have done better than I did however I left him to his devices with his friends and did stuff I needed to do like go to the library go out with friends etc.
I went to his to stay for the weekend and we had a lovely weekend ( I didn't get upset at all, my work stress was over I'd finished uni for christmas).
I went out with friends night before he broke up with me and stopped by inbetween to say hi before I went out for some drinks, he kissed me etc I didn't think anything of this.
Then the the next morning he messaged me that he would meet me at mine later, I found this worrying but thought he wanted some quality time.

He broke up with me. I've been distraught ever since. I couldn't eat. Sleep. He said he loved me and he wanted to be friends but he couldn't give me what I needed and he had been trying to get back to how we were before. He said a break wouldn't work for us and we needed to break up as he needed space. He said he couldn't see a future with me.
He dropped my stuff off soon after and said he had nothing to say, he just repeated he was sorry and that he wanted to talk in the new year after christmas and we'll see what happens and that maybe in the future and then went home.
The big point is he cried when he was breaking up with me which is so out of character really.

I'm struggling to understand why. I may sound desperate but I'm not I'm just confused. I'm so in love with this man and fully want to stand by his side through anything and everything. But he's up and disappeared which I believe is a common trait when entp's get stressed out. We never spent any quality time together the past few months any time we spent together was with his friends. I think he just got bored :/ and to be honest he possibly noticed I was upset he didn't want to spend that quality time with me, we had talked about it previously and his lack of effort lately (his mind was tied up in other commitments) I understood this and just gave him time to do those things and when I was round bring him a cup of coffee how he liked it :)

I've given him his space since he left however and only text merry christmas by including him in my group text.
I don't know what to do. I have no insight into how he's feeling and whether he does love me and want me.
I mean he said he loved me.

I'm just confused and would like some insight into what he might be thinking or what he thought.
He said he made the decision to break up on the morning he did it which to me seems really fast for quite a long relationship.

I've been hanging out with my friends a lot more over the christmas period and I have plans for new year keeping myself busy but I miss everything about him. He was my best friend and my lover and now he only wants one. I want to know if he does care and that by leaving him be I'm not pushing him away :/

Thank you for listening guys.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
935 Posts
I am going through something similar, except I'm the ENFJ and I ended the relationship with my ex, who is an ISTJ.

I don't think you should try to understand the break up based on type theory. Your ex is an individual and his reasons for leaving will be as well.

Type theory will help you understand the way ENTPs process thoughts and feelings, not what your ex is thinking or feeling. He's the only person who really knows his emotions.

Based on how the break up was described here, I would say your ex was honest about his feelings and his reasons for leaving.

It sounds like he ended the relationship tactfully. I am an expert at running from commitment, and I can say I've ended a couple of my serious relationships horribly. Relationships end badly when you don't care enough about the other person to be honest or tactful about your feelings.

I am still in love with my ex, and the last four weeks have been miserable without him, but I can't see myself being happy with him in the long run or him happy with me. I told him that and ended it. It's an awful realization, but I believe you just know when a relationship is right, or when it isn't. Ours wasn't, and I didn't see any reason to string it along.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
Thank you for your reply.

I totally agree I know typing can't help really but I was also wondering if any entp's or enfj's could relate in some way.
I know I will only know if he tells me, but at the moment we can't talk with the space thing. I just wish I could in some way gather an idea.

He's had big issues with commitment in the past also so I believe he is running :( but I do believe he cared enough to at least not break up with me badly, he's the only man who has ever broken up with me in person for a change haha. It's just I believed this was it. He was my one. I've never wanted for anyone else and to think he feels it's just not right is so crushing.

I'm sorry to hear about your current situation also :( I hope everything works out well for you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
935 Posts
Zizzle, you sound so strong. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Break ups suck and trying to understand what went wrong is the worst. It's healthy to try to recognize any problems and learn from them, but it is poisonous to dwell and feel guilt. If you find yourself thinking too much, realize that sometimes hearts just change. Work through the phases of grief, save your unanswered questions and hold them for when the two of you meet again.

Every relationship has it's share of ups and downs. When you guys meet, put your emotions aside and rationally discuss if this is something you will be able to work through. Don't hold onto the fact that you guys may get back together. When it's over, it's over, and if it doesn't feel right walk away. It's hard and it hurts, but you will be a bigger person for it. If you try to reconcile something that isn't right it will only end worse later. Save your grace and move on if that is how it has to be.

The best sense of consolance I can offer is if it is over right now, the two of you will find each other again if it is really meant to be.

I wish you the best of luck through this and hope you stick around PerC. Message me later and give me an update on how things are going if you want to talk more.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,775 Posts
Zizzle, I am so sorry. I hear a little of one of our classic traits in a relationship ending--self-blame. I know I blame myself when a relationship ends. You have mentioned how you think he may have known you were upset and how you gave him space. I don't see you doing anything "wrong" here. You were being yourself and at the same time trying to give to the relationship. You loved him, and you are heartbroken. I know how much it hurts. For me, it has felt life threatening before. I have been unable to imagine a future without a couple of exes.

You say that you love him. Do you love the way that you feel right now? If he needs space, maybe he needs the kind of space that an ENFJ is inherently incapable of providing? I know that my ex said that my simple presence was one that "took up too much space." I disagree with the "too much" characterization. But he and I seemed like a match made in heaven in some ways. But ultimately, he won't even speak to me now, and I do not want to speak to him either. I can't say that your ex fits this picture. But if this space-needing thing of his is a permanent state, then maybe he's only someone who shares some of the characteristics of your soul-mate. Maybe there's someone else out there who is like him but not like him--someone who won't hurt you like this. I know that at this juncture it's probably impossible to wrap your mind around that idea. And I apologize if my jumping ahead feels hurtful right now.

On the whole, just be good to yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Let yourself grieve. Keep up that CBT. Surround yourself with loving friends who appreciate the things about you that make you special. Surround yourself with people who like the things about you that are the very things that he complained about.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,449 Posts
Zizzle, you sound so strong. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Break ups suck and trying to understand what went wrong is the worst. It's healthy to try to recognize any problems and learn from them, but it is poisonous to dwell and feel guilt. If you find yourself thinking too much, realize that sometimes hearts just change. Work through the phases of grief, save your unanswered questions and hold them for when the two of you meet again.

Every relationship has it's share of ups and downs. When you guys meet, put your emotions aside and rationally discuss if this is something you will be able to work through. Don't hold onto the fact that you guys may get back together. When it's over, it's over, and if it doesn't feel right walk away. It's hard and it hurts, but you will be a bigger person for it. If you try to reconcile something that isn't right it will only end worse later. Save your grace and move on if that is how it has to be.

The best sense of consolance I can offer is if it is over right now, the two of you will find each other again if it is really meant to be.

I wish you the best of luck through this and hope you stick around PerC. Message me later and give me an update on how things are going if you want to talk more.
This needs stickying to every break up thread here as a post. Magnificently well put. Brava.
 
1 - 6 of 6 Posts
Top