[Enfpleasantly]

I think my middle child is an ENFJ...I don't let him know this, of course. I don't want to slap labels on my kids; I'm just wanting to parent each of my kids according to their individual needs, so I've been observing them in an attempt to identify their dominant functions. I'm fairly certain my middle child uses Fe based on many of his actions and the way he seems to think. Also, he exhibits many of the traits listed in the ENFJ child article posted on this forum; lastly, he is very, very much like my Sister when she was a kid, and she's an ENFJ.

Anyway, I was wondering if any of you had a delayed emotional reaction to certain things as a child? For instance, my son will come to me crying saying "you said we would go to the park, but we didn't"...this could be several days later, so I remind him "honey, we couldn't go because it was raining, remember?" and he continues "but you said we would go to the park, and you didn't take us". This is so frustrating sometimes, but of course, I am patient and loving with him. I remember how difficult a time my sister had growing up with my Parents...they didn't understand her at all. I hope to avoid that as much as possible. I do ask my Sister for tips as well, but I just wondered what other ENFJ's had to say.

When he has this delayed emotional response, is it just that he wasn't thinking about it before and he remembered out of nowhere? Why is it he seems to fixate on me "breaking" what I told him rather than recognizing my reason (raining)? He also gets easily upset when he perceives something isn't fair, ie: "why is he wearing his new shirt to school and I'm not?" (while starting to cry). I explain, "because you wanted to wear yours yesterday, remember? So, yours is dirty today". Any tips on how I can ease his mind and explain to him that he is not being treated unfairly? Does this sound like something you might've done as a kid?

 

[Happy about Nothing.]

I think my middle child is an ENFJ...I don't let him know this, of course. I don't want to slap labels on my kids; I'm just wanting to parent each of my kids according to their individual needs, so I've been observing them in an attempt to identify their dominant functions. I'm fairly certain my middle child uses Fe based on many of his actions and the way he seems to think. Also, he exhibits many of the traits listed in the ENFJ child article posted on this forum; lastly, he is very, very much like my Sister when she was a kid, and she's an ENFJ.

Anyway, I was wondering if any of you had a delayed emotional reaction to certain things as a child? For instance, my son will come to me crying saying "you said we would go to the park, but we didn't"...this could be several days later, so I remind him "honey, we couldn't go because it was raining, remember?" and he continues "but you said we would go to the park, and you didn't take us". This is so frustrating sometimes, but of course, I am patient and loving with him. I remember how difficult a time my sister had growing up with my Parents...they didn't understand her at all. I hope to avoid that as much as possible. I do ask my Sister for tips as well, but I just wondered what other ENFJ's had to say.

When he has this delayed emotional response, is it just that he wasn't thinking about it before and he remembered out of nowhere? Why is it he seems to fixate on me "breaking" what I told him rather than recognizing my reason (raining)? He also gets easily upset when he perceives something isn't fair, ie: "why is he wearing his new shirt to school and I'm not?" (while starting to cry). I explain, "because you wanted to wear yours yesterday, remember? So, yours is dirty today". Any tips on how I can ease his mind and explain to him that he is not being treated unfairly? Does this sound like something you might've done as a kid?

Someone recently posted a video on neuroscience and personality types. I believe one of the things that was common for ENFJs was the inability to remember small details correctly, because an ENFJ tends to remember things based on how those particular things made them feel.

Your son didn't get to go to the park and he may not remember specifically why, but he remembers the feelings he attached to the experience. Maybe upon his bringing up those negative memories you can made plans to reschedule or choose a different activity that he will enjoy, to show him that you still want to allow him the experience as well as validating the importance of his feelings.

Really, validation is key, especially emotional validation. I know I wasn't the easiest kid, but I really needed people to believe in me, positively reinforce me, and tell me it was okay to feel sometimes.....good and bad.

By the way, I just wanted to say that I think it's really great that you really want to understand how your children operate individually....I really think that's a wonderful thing. :]

 

[Dancingintruth]

I think my middle child is an ENFJ...I don't let him know this, of course. I don't want to slap labels on my kids; I'm just wanting to parent each of my kids according to their individual needs, so I've been observing them in an attempt to identify their dominant functions. I'm fairly certain my middle child uses Fe based on many of his actions and the way he seems to think. Also, he exhibits many of the traits listed in the ENFJ child article posted on this forum; lastly, he is very, very much like my Sister when she was a kid, and she's an ENFJ.

Anyway, I was wondering if any of you had a delayed emotional reaction to certain things as a child? For instance, my son will come to me crying saying "you said we would go to the park, but we didn't"...this could be several days later, so I remind him "honey, we couldn't go because it was raining, remember?" and he continues "but you said we would go to the park, and you didn't take us". This is so frustrating sometimes, but of course, I am patient and loving with him. I remember how difficult a time my sister had growing up with my Parents...they didn't understand her at all. I hope to avoid that as much as possible. I do ask my Sister for tips as well, but I just wondered what other ENFJ's had to say.

When he has this delayed emotional response, is it just that he wasn't thinking about it before and he remembered out of nowhere? Why is it he seems to fixate on me "breaking" what I told him rather than recognizing my reason (raining)? He also gets easily upset when he perceives something isn't fair, ie: "why is he wearing his new shirt to school and I'm not?" (while starting to cry). I explain, "because you wanted to wear yours yesterday, remember? So, yours is dirty today". Any tips on how I can ease his mind and explain to him that he is not being treated unfairly? Does this sound like something you might've done as a kid?

When I was really young and even sometimes now I get very upset when I am in an unfair situation, I don't know if it is like this for all ENFJ's but I sure get my feathers ruffled. Not quite sure why, even if the situation is fair and I just didn't get what I thought would happen I have to stop and remind myself," Life isn't fair, No use over stressing about it if I have no control over it." I would tell myself that in more of the situation where jealousy is in to play, if that makes sense? So I guess my quote is for advice on what to say when he starts getting older. But for now I would maybe try to calmly explain on how he is being treating fairly and get his mind off of whatever was upsetting him. I frequently did that as a child. I was also a little bit of a devil xD Hope he's easier to cope with than me! Best of luck!

 

[Enfpleasantly]

Someone recently posted a video on neuroscience and personality types. I believe one of the things that was common for ENFJs was the inability to remember small details correctly, because an ENFJ tends to remember things based on how those particular things made them feel.

Your son didn't get to go to the park and he may not remember specifically why, but he remembers the feelings he attached to the experience. Maybe upon his bringing up those negative memories you can made plans to reschedule or choose a different activity that he will enjoy, to show him that you still want to allow him the experience as well as validating the importance of his feelings.

Really, validation is key, especially emotional validation. I know I wasn't the easiest kid, but I really needed people to believe in me, positively reinforce me, and tell me it was okay to feel sometimes.....good and bad.

By the way, I just wanted to say that I think it's really great that you really want to understand how your children operate individually....I really think that's a wonderful thing. :]

Thank you, this was really a huge help! I can understand now that he relates to experiences based on how he felt, not based on the small details. This explains many things about him. I really appreciate the response

When I was really young and even sometimes now I get very upset when I am in an unfair situation, I don't know if it is like this for all ENFJ's but I sure get my feathers ruffled. Not quite sure why, even if the situation is fair and I just didn't get what I thought would happen I have to stop and remind myself," Life isn't fair, No use over stressing about it if I have no control over it." I would tell myself that in more of the situation where jealousy is in to play, if that makes sense? So I guess my quote is for advice on what to say when he starts getting older. But for now I would maybe try to calmly explain on how he is being treating fairly and get his mind off of whatever was upsetting him. I frequently did that as a child. I was also a little bit of a devil xD Hope he's easier to cope with than me! Best of luck!

Thank you for the repsonse, this was helpful as well I suspect many of his emotional responses are reactions to jealousy...particularly over his older brother. I will continue to reassure him he is being treated fairly and perhaps distract him from there?



**I have another question, when he gets frustrated or really angry, he sometimes throws things, or says nasty things. Of course, the natural reaction is I want to make him sit in time out, but I don't want to discipline him for his emotions. Any suggestions on how I can handle outbursts like this without letting him get away with negative actions, but at the same time, not disciplining his emotions?

Again, thanks do much! I really appreciate being able to look into the way he thinks like this

 

[Summersault]

**I have another question, when he gets frustrated or really angry, he sometimes throws things, or says nasty things. Of course, the natural reaction is I want to make him sit in time out, but I don't want to discipline him for his emotions. Any suggestions on how I can handle outbursts like this without letting him get away with negative actions, but at the same time, not disciplining his emotions?

Again, thanks do much! I really appreciate being able to look into the way he thinks like this

I used to get frustrated sometimes as a kid and would want to just take whatever I was holding and chuck it. Or would think up something that I thought was clever and mean and want to say it. It's like an emotional flare up that would almost overpower me. My parents were really strict though, and I knew that I'd be in really big trouble if I said something rude or chucked a toy, so I didn't do it often. But that's not what helped me get over it. The best salve for those moments was when someone would gently take me aside after I'd done something and explain to me that acting like that could hurt someone or someone's feelings. I would always feel so bad knowing that what I said or did might have made someone else unhappy. It hadn't occurred to me in the moment that what I did would have an impact on others. I just figured it would make me feel better.

I remember one time my cousin said something to me that hurt my feelings and I retaliated with something that was pretty mean. I don't remember what I said, but he cried. My aunt took me aside a little after that and asked me how it felt when he'd hurt my feelings and if I knew that that's how I made him feel too.

I think that it's in our nature to want to understand people, and that when we figure things out it sticks with us. I never wanted to hurt anyone else. I never acted that way to be mean. But sometimes my emotions veil all my rationality and I don't think about the consequences. But I've definitely learned to give myself a minute to work stuff out before I react. Think before I speak and whatnot. Time lets me calm down some and then my intuition pipes up with a whole list of possible solutions and their consequences and it helps to know that I have choices, I don't just have to react because I'm upset and can't think straight.

This is getting pretty long, so I'll wrap it up. One other thing my parents did when my brother and I were a bit older and arguing constantly was to implicate the "I need a minute or two" rule. If one of us got too angry, we were supposed to tell the other that we needed a minute or two and then walk out of the room and cool off so we didn't say something we didn't mean or couldn't take back. Like I said above, that time really helps.

 

[SilentScream]

Actually, I'm glad your son feels comfortable enough to talk to you about his feelings. I remember that when I was a child, when faced with perceived injustices, I would internalize them or try to change myself completely.

I grew up with a lot of pent up frustrations that I released on doors, walls refrigerators. I used to internalize and when the feelings would overwhelm, I would punch things at times making myself bleed. My parents had no idea this was going on because I was constantly avoiding expressing myself in any way. There was a time when they bought me a punching bag and that's where a lot of my frustrations went. But expressing displeasure with them ... or with anyone is my greatest weakness to this day.

Let him talk his feelings out and just listen. He'll eventually love you for it. Don't always challenge his memory ... he might end up perceiving that as a weakness or a flaw. These are all things I've done in the past.

Being emotional and being male are very hard.

 

[Dancingintruth]

@Enfpleasantly

Well it's funny how similar your son is to me when I was that age. My mom disciplined me by saying to "use nice words" etc. I got put in time-out like any other child would, and sometimes my mom would even make the guest I was disrespecting go home because I was misbehaving. I turned out well. *But I did go through a rebel stage later because I felt like my family would lie to me.* After his punishment is over try to review with him why he acts so violently. My mom would talk me through it and make me promise to behave better. I recall being punished often but I knew I had done wrong, I just got so frustrated with my emotions I would lash out because it felt like no one understood. Whatever way you discipline your child is your choice, But it seems the more assertive my parents were the more I listened. It's okay for him to feel his emotions but he needs to learn to control them without hurting others physically and emotionally as well.

 

[Enfpleasantly]

Thank you all so much! I've already gotten a couple chances to try out your suggestions, and it's worked! Oh that makes me feel so much relief! I have been worrying about how I will parent him so that I can build confidence rather than make him have a lack of confidence. I remember my Sister and how misunderstood she was, so I've been really trying to get him. Thanks again!

 

[Ryosuke93]

Someone recently posted a video on neuroscience and personality types. I believe one of the things that was common for ENFJs was the inability to remember small details correctly, because an ENFJ tends to remember things based on how those particular things made them feel.

Your son didn't get to go to the park and he may not remember specifically why, but he remembers the feelings he attached to the experience. Maybe upon his bringing up those negative memories you can made plans to reschedule or choose a different activity that he will enjoy, to show him that you still want to allow him the experience as well as validating the importance of his feelings.

Really, validation is key, especially emotional validation. I know I wasn't the easiest kid, but I really needed people to believe in me, positively reinforce me, and tell me it was okay to feel sometimes.....good and bad.

I agree with all of this completely. Also with what @Summersault said...I can relate to a lot.

I still have moments where I can be so upset that I "forget" the tiny details which are good to remember. But having people remind me of these details as their only response to my emotions seems to make me feel worse at times. Like I am not being cared about or understood, and like my feelings don't matter...

My parents probably would think I had a delayed emotional response too, even now. If something upsets me, sometimes right at that moment...I don't really understand that I am upset...only later do I tend to feel worse, even days later...because more negative thoughts started to slowly accumulate, so that I just kind of somewhat burst. I tend to control negative emotions as much as possible because the last thing I want to do is cause trouble for others, but I sometimes have to really work hard to control the emotion because it can be a super overwhelming feeling.

Anyways, I am glad that things are working out with your child and that people on the forum have helped you out. I also admire you for wanting to nurture your son's personality and spirit.

I found a website with other advice on how to care for an ENFJ (or ESFJ) child. You might have seen it before, but I found it very insightful and accurate for how I was as a kid.

Portrait of an EFJ Child

 

[Enfpleasantly]

I agree with all of this completely. Also with what @Summersault said...I can relate to a lot.

I still have moments where I can be so upset that I "forget" the tiny details which are good to remember. But having people remind me of these details as their only response to my emotions seems to make me feel worse at times. Like I am not being cared about or understood, and like my feelings don't matter...

My parents probably would think I had a delayed emotional response too, even now. If something upsets me, sometimes right at that moment...I don't really understand that I am upset...only later do I tend to feel worse, even days later...because more negative thoughts started to slowly accumulate, so that I just kind of somewhat burst. I tend to control negative emotions as much as possible because the last thing I want to do is cause trouble for others, but I sometimes have to really work hard to control the emotion because it can be a super overwhelming feeling.

Anyways, I am glad that things are working out with your child and that people on the forum have helped you out. I also admire you for wanting to nurture your son's personality and spirit.

I found a website with other advice on how to care for an ENFJ (or ESFJ) child. You might have seen it before, but I found it very insightful and accurate for how I was as a kid.

Portrait of an EFJ Child

Thank you very much for your response and the link. I really appreciate all the insight. It certainly helps me to better understand him, which I think will definitely build confidence and also help him to know how wonderful and loved he is