[Kalifornia310]

okay, I like this INFP dude, he is pretty awesome, BUT he has the tendency to not respond for periods at a time, which is different from my Attentive personality. I just cant deal with a lack of communication.
I am usually hesitant about deciding how somebody internally feels about me if I am not receiving expression from the person. If contact dwindles between myself and another, I frequently doubt that our relation is positive; if the person matters enough to me, then Ill become overly consumed in trying to "solve the problem", and as a result tend to be quite overbearing.
and this particular guy matters to me.
we hang out in person, and its great! but we live so far from eachother that its difficult to hang out, so most of our interaction is done online, through facebook or email, and also through texting and calling,

now I dont know why he sends me mixed signals, he is very peculiar, some days he will be interested in all I do, wanting to talk all the time (which I dont mind) and wanting to hang out all the time, AND other times he wont respond to me at all. ill send him a text, which he wont address and a day later, ill get a text from him asking how my day was.
or He will write me a long message about why he is having such a bad day, and ill write an even longer message giving encouragement.. and its been a weeek and he hasnt responded to that, but during the week we have discussed other things.

so its like he is being selective with what he wants to discuss or express with me. which annoys me greatly, because when I ask a question, I expect it to be answered, or if we have a conversation, I expect the conversation to have closure,

I was wondering if this issue flows through all INFPs or is this a specific tendency of this individual.

if more information is needed, let me know...

 

[Acey]

Our moods generally dictate how we communicate with others. If I'm in one of my depressed moods, i'll probably make no effort in trying to talk to anyone because i would only spew complaints and dark topics. I'm also terrible at acting happy so i'd more than likely just bring down the person that im talking with or come off as very sad and weird.

When I'm in a funk my first priority is getting out of it so i can start being able to be around people again, but meh, maybe thats just me

 

[Kalifornia310]

Our moods generally dictate how we communicate with others. If I'm in one of my depressed moods, i'll probably make no effort in trying to talk to anyone because i would only spew complaints and dark topics. I'm also terrible at acting happy so i'd more than likely just bring down the person that im talking with or come off as very sad and weird.

When I'm in a funk my first priority is getting out of it so i can start being able to be around people again, but meh, maybe thats just me

awesome! thats enough validation for me to continue the relationship with this one then! haha..

but how do I get him to share with me his bad days as well? being who i am, I CANT not have periods of not talking. most of my relationships have been Intense all the way through, Intense meaning we talk to eachother pretty much 24/7. I mean I guess I shouldnt dwell on this too much, its not really bothering him I pressume, but still, I cant get rid of that doubt I have because of this.

everytime he does it, it makes me doubt the relationship and that puts me in a funk, maybe I should post a thread in the ENFJ section and see if they have coping methods for this. lol

 

[smileyfacepenguin]

constant 24/7 talking? that sounds like WAY too much for an introvert. this guy ive recently become closer friends with has been texting me every morning and expects the conversation to last all day, every day. TOO MUCH FOR ME!! my gosh man! sorry haha a little venting of my own. i enjoy taking with people i like, but i dont want to talk all the time because introverts need time to be unsocial and recharge. even is its just text socializing. thats how it is for me. also i tend to not mind having a conversation be open ended with no clear finish. because if i dont want to talk to someone anymore but its not their fault, i dont want to tell them "i dont want to talk to you anymore" because that hurts their feelings, and i dont want that. i dont want to make up lies as to why i have to end the conversatin either. so a lot of times ill just not respond to a text for a couple hours or a day to give me time to be alone. it sounds to me like he likes you but is definitely an introvert. by the way, i have an ENFJ best friend so i know how you guys are except she also seems to like the open-ended conversations and doesnt need a reply asap, so that might just be a you thing. maybe youre more J. but you dont care about that....haha well hope i helped a little bit

 

[ponyjoyride]

That sort of communication is totally normal to an INFP. He's an introvert after all, please give him some space also and he'll probably love you even more. A lot of the problems between me and my ENFJ and INFJ friends is that they want me to share also my bad moods with them. The worst thing to do to an INFPs having a depressing moment is to force them to talk about their feelings. I like more the way my INFP and ENFP friends treat when I'm being down. They're just like "if you want to talk about it it's okay, but if you don't then that's okay too". That gives me time to gather my thoughts and feelings and after that it's easier to talk about them. Too much asking makes me feel uncomfortable.

I think you should definitely keep being his friend. Remember that INFPs usually have long lasting friendships and even though you wouldn't hear from him for a long time that doesn't mean he has stopped being your friend.

 

[Kalifornia310]

constant 24/7 talking? that sounds like WAY too much for an introvert. this guy ive recently become closer friends with has been texting me every morning and expects the conversation to last all day, every day. TOO MUCH FOR ME!! my gosh man! sorry haha a little venting of my own. i enjoy taking with people i like, but i dont want to talk all the time because introverts need time to be unsocial and recharge. even is its just text socializing. thats how it is for me. also i tend to not mind having a conversation be open ended with no clear finish. because if i dont want to talk to someone anymore but its not their fault, i dont want to tell them "i dont want to talk to you anymore" because that hurts their feelings, and i dont want that. i dont want to make up lies as to why i have to end the conversatin either. so a lot of times ill just not respond to a text for a couple hours or a day to give me time to be alone. it sounds to me like he likes you but is definitely an introvert. by the way, i have an ENFJ best friend so i know how you guys are except she also seems to like the open-ended conversations and doesnt need a reply asap, so that might just be a you thing. maybe youre more J. but you dont care about that....haha well hope i helped a little bit

okay got it.. dont over text him.. its just soooo hard to handle not talking to him, I think im in love.. and It saddens me when he goes into his introverted stages.. and I do know that he does need time to recharge his energies. haha. I always joke with him alot, and Ive learned to cend the conversation myself even though I would rather talk to him til I fall asleep. which seems to work. So I will stay with my methods.

and I do care about that! lol.. I care about everything which is my problem. but anywho.. thanks for your input. it put me at ease.

That sort of communication is totally normal to an INFP. He's an introvert after all, please give him some space also and he'll probably love you even more. A lot of the problems between me and my ENFJ and INFJ friends is that they want me to share also my bad moods with them. The worst thing to do to an INFPs having a depressing moment is to force them to talk about their feelings. I like more the way my INFP and ENFP friends treat when I'm being down. They're just like "if you want to talk about it it's okay, but if you don't then that's okay too". That gives me time to gather my thoughts and feelings and after that it's easier to talk about them. Too much asking makes me feel uncomfortable.

I think you should definitely keep being his friend. Remember that INFPs usually have long lasting friendships and even though you wouldn't hear from him for a long time that doesn't mean he has stopped being your friend.

okay, thats what I need to work on then, i would usually subtly try to get him to open himself up more to me.. as I would usually do with everyone, but it never seemed to work on him. and now I know to steer clear of doing that again. ill just let him tell me what he wants and feed off that.

and Ive learned (from having an Introverted younger brother) to always tell them your there for them IF they need someone to talk to, but dont expect them to.

so ill minimize my asking and digging, lol.. I tend to become TOO attentive to someone Im interested in..

Thanks! yay! i dont feel sad anymore!

 

[virtualvortexrider]

You sound a lot like me but I'm sure I'm not an ENFJ. I think it's just wrong expectations. It was hard for me too to accept that others might not have the same attitude towards answering questions. Sometimes one has to ask again. But I only do that if its really important. That means I don't text much anymore since I usually write long explanations and all I get back is one liners.

The dynamic is the more you give the less you receive. So you have to balance it somehow.

 

[Kalifornia310]

I would try to ask again.. but I dont repeat myself. I ask once.. if its not answered.. then I move on.. since apparently it was not important..

and that seems to be my problem.. I feel like because certain questions or statements are not being addressed, its like im not important enough..

but we are different types, and I do understand Introverts need time to process info and recharge. so I try to not mind when he doesnt respond. but regardless. I am an Extrovert and a feeler, and it stings like a bitch to not get attention...

 

[Calvaire]

thats a pretty typical INFP reaction sometimes i'll go days without responding to something either because I feel shitty or I don't really know what to say and I want it to be meaningful,if i'm in a depressed mood i'm more likely to respond shortly and coldly than really give meaning and thought to it and then i'll feel horrible if I respond in a way I didn't want to if that makes any sense....

Its hard to really share the bad moods,for me I get scared someone will not want to be close to me anymore or will shut me out and see me as too sad for them you know? Plus I wouldnt like someone constantly trying to make me tell them things i'd rather have it flow naturally.

 

[Kalifornia310]

yes! im so glad i figured this dilemma out.. I was seriously losing my mind wondering what I did wrong or what I said, I was confused for a while since he was selective I didnt know what he wanted.

my mind is at ease now. but thats only if he is an INFP, I wonder if thats an Introverted trait or an INFP trait. regardless thank you all for your wonderful advice, You guys just saved a relationship.:happy::happy::happy:

 

[BlackPixy13]

He could be thinking that the not communicating is better than dragging you down into his mood, which is very common with INFP's. Especially if he really likes you. And since people keep proving that this seems to be the correct way of thinking, it makes it harder for us to pull out. It's always best to get him face to face and ask him about each and every thing you might think is wrong. I personally tend to think that it means that the person is thinking through every possibility instead of just jumping to conclusions, which is one of my biggest turn-offs. Also, you need to know exactly what's not bothering him before you can find out what is. If he seems annoyed, tell him this, and then give him time to reflect, a couple days to a week, and then ask to speak to him again. Also, if the problems aren't dealt with, they won't go away. Ever.

It's usually safe to assume that he's not ready to dump you or anything unless he starts to just flat out ignore you for more than two weeks. Even then it might just mean he's going through an extremely tough time. You might want to confront him just in case he's trying to go through this alone. Take the time you've been dating into consideration. If it's been less than a year, he's probably still opening up. We open up very slow. Have you made any slight comments about his moods? We take the small, almost thinking out loud comments as the biggest blows. My mom told me once six years ago while she was babysitting that all you had to say to someone when they show you something is "cool". She said that to me a month later. I haven't shown her anything since.

As for the talking 24/7, 24/5 is about our limit. If you are unable to compromise those two days, then we are likely to retreat. I used to spend every day I wasn't in class at my ex's house, which was from Thursday night to Monday night. But once when I had a week long vacation and I spent the entire week with him, by the end of the eighth night everything he did made me want to smack him. Hour long showers were a daily thing instead of my usually ten minute ones. Finding someone else to hang out with would be a good plan for those couple days. But make sure that he's aware of how much time you want to spend with him, it'll make the compromise easier.

Also, are you making sure he is aware that you want to spend time with him? Once my ex (I have to use him as my only example, I've only had two) stopped calling me to hang out because he thought we'd gotten into a patter I started thinking that he didn't want to hang out with me and even asking him to go to the mall was awkward. He seemed stunned when I brought it up, but the fear never went away.

As for the not replying. I often check a mail and then try to think of a response, get distracted, and then forget or even think I did respond. It's a result of living in my head. I answer in my head, but forget to really do it. Send a second text, but no more than that, asking if he received your first one. If he didn't, it should jog his memory.

A very important thing: never say anything bad about his pull backs except that it makes you feel left out or something of the equivalent. When I wasn't responding to my ex because everything that came out of my mouth was almost like a pity party, he told me it felt like he was talking to a brick wall. It stung deeply and sent me into hysterics once I was alone.