Great advice... thanks. One more question... she keeps saying that she is gonna scare me off when I really know her, something which has failed to be true every time. How can I help her trust that I am not going to run off at the slightest flaw? She judges herself so harshly, when she is really an amazing person.
Also, how important is physical interaction to an INFJ? I can tell that even holding hands means a lot to her, so I am wary of witholding something which could really speak to her. She has fallen asleep on my arm several times as we sat on her couch and just talked late into the night,and when she wakes up she doesn't want me to leave. I want to give her what she needs, and help her realize her real worth. I know this sounds cliche, but any ENFJ could tell you what that need feels like.
Actually, sounds like her love languages are physical touch and quality time.
As an INFJ whose love languages are physical touch and quality time, I feel like I have a duty to put some input here.
As far as helping her trust, the best thing you can do for her is to, really, just
be trustworthy. Stick around when she opens up. Don't leave her when you see a side of her that's less than attractive (everyone has one!). Don't cheat, emotionally or physically. When she's honest with you about herself, listen and accept her. Love her in spite of the "scary" or intense qualities she may have. I think those things are pretty self-explanatory, but the truth is, the things that make me trust someone is a
lack of signs that they should not be trusted. The thing is, you're not going to see her deepest parts overnight...it's going to take a long time of peeling her back, layer by layer, and being a constant and stable figure throughout the process. Remind her, when she hates the side of herself that she's shown you, that you still love her. That whatever it is that she hates doesn't make you want to leave. That you love her more because you are more deeply connected. That vulnerability in her is something you want, not something you fear. That you're not afraid of her intensity, her anxiety, her anger or her deep wounds--you want to stick around long enough to see them all. But most of all, just be there. Don't leave her. And the longer you stick around, emotionally, spiritually and physically, the more she will trust you and the deeper she will let you see into her life.
As far as the physical part, it sounds like you need to set some very clear boundaries as to what you are and are not okay with. If holding hands is important to her, and you are able to give her that, by all means, give it to her! But tell her what it is that you are not okay doing. If you draw the line at kissing, tell her. If it's making out, tell her that. If it's sex, tell her that. Whatever it is, you're going to have to be clear about where your boundaries are, and why. I may be making a misjudged assumption here, but I'm guessing your reasoning for not wanting to go too far physically are for good reasons- to protect the two of you and make you closer in the long run.
Even if she's not on the same page with you, she should respect it. If she can't, you have an entirely new issue on your hands. But hopefully she'll be able to understand the intentions.
There are other ways, though, to reach that physical touch love language that aren't explicitly sexual. For instance, wrapping your hand around her when you're standing next to her. Or resting your hand on her knee while you're sitting at dinner. Or lightly brushing her shoulder as you walk by. Implicit physical touch can be just as, if not more, powerful than explicit. It's a good way to let her know that you're still around, you still love her, and that you remember that she's there. That, coupled with quality time and conversation, will help her feel loved even in the absence of sexuality.
The boundaries you set will be incredibly important here, though, because she needs to know that you are not intending to go further than a certain point. That you holding her hand doesn't mean you're expecting more physicality that night. If she knows where you stop, you can both be comfortable within your limits without worrying about where the other person intends to go.
