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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My mom is an ENFJ and we butt heads all the time. Mostly, we miscommunicate. I swear I try SO HARD to communicate clearly. It isn't laziness, it isn't manipulation, it's just that somehow, every time I do something for her, in her eyes I've f*cked it up. EVERYTHING I say is an assault to her character, EVERY mistake is a reason for her distrust, and each time she turns around the argument so that she's the victim and I feel worthless. I do everything I can to be who she needs me to be in these situations, and it is not enough. PLEASE help me with this. I'm afraid we will end up like her and my grandmother.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
Also, if this helps, she fits all of the symptoms of a codependent personality.
 

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Do you live with your mother, or are you around her a lot? I have an ESFJ mother who I butt heads with a lot in close contact. Remember though that she does love you. Try not to be angry with your mother. I know it's very easy sometimes, to feel like you're trapped behind her values. The important thing to note is that you can remain your own person while still getting along with her. She probably wants to raise a daughter who is like her, because that has gotten her this far in life and she is trying to teach you what she knows, but I suppose the best course of action is to make sure she knows you love her, even if you say things which accidentally offend her.
 

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@Starbuckskat I'm in college so I'm only around during holidays/ summer. But after I graduate in May I'm spending a year at home to save up money. I honestly don't know how I'm going to do it. I know she loves me and I love her but we can only get so close. She is very volatile and at times unpredictable.

Her relationship with her mother is similar except that she buys into it. She allows herself to be taken advantage of, and I think she expects me to be the same. I looked up codependency symptoms and I am worried because it seems to be "taught" in families. I don't want to be like my mom.
@Shimmerleaf I hadn't thought of that. She does have some traits of a narcissist, but overall she is--or at least she talks about at length--how overly empathetic she is. How she's always trying to protect and help everyone (which to her credit, she does). But I've realized nothing I'm going to say will ever be enough for her, so rather than feeding into it like she did her mother, I'm just going to keep a healthy distance.

For example, last night we got into a text argument. It was about my credit card. I called my dad (who actually takes care of the bills) and we cleared it up and it was no problem. My mom however went on a huge rant via text with me about how I'm deceitful and how she can't trust me. I texted her back with a calm tone, stating that if she is going to doubt my character then we will get nowhere/ I am trying to figure this out with her not against her/ I have to much on my plate to have my mother doubt my character/ etc. etc. And then I said I am done tonight. I never took a jab at her-- all I did was stand up for myself respectfully. I think I handled it well.

My friend said that it could be a mechanism for my mom to seem important and relevant as I grow into adulthood. She knows that I'm graduating and getting out ASAP, and when she has nothing else to think about she stirs the pot unnecessarily.
 
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