[Greenbee123]

Hey I'm new to the site.... I joined mostly because I wanted to ask you ENFJs a question. I'm not sure if there's a similar thread so I apologize in advance if this is repetitive or if it's in the wrong place. =(

So I'm an INFP female in a relationship with an ENFJ male. I'm sure he wouldn't like me posting on a forum about this (please forgive me ;_... but I just thought you could help.

So the main problem is we have great conversations together, but it's hard for him to say things about himself. I feel like he knows my entire life story without me even telling him half of it. He's just so darn perceptive and it drives me crazy (in a good way).

I know he likes me and he encourages my asking more questions because I'm curious, even if he may be somewhat reluctant in answering them.... but no matter what, he just won't talk to me about himself of his own accord. I feel like he's doing talking about himself FOR me, not TO me (although that sounds a bit romantic now that I step back and think about it). But is it always like pulling teeth to get an ENFJ to talk about themselves? I would feel bad if I was making him disclose information that makes him uncomfortable. Does it just take time? Should I stop asking questions? He makes me feel like I'm being selfish when I ask.

....Help? ;_;

 

[Oleas]

It does take time. I always feel like I know more about people than they do about me... but I need to feel secure enough, to know the other person isn't going to abandon me, and is gonna accept me for who I am. You shouldn't pressure him into telling, but do show him that you really care and that you wanna know more, I'm sure he'd love it!

I spend my time learning about others because I love it and I really don't mind. Sometimes it does feel nice to know someone cares and asks about- my hobbies and things I like (even random stuff like my favorite color or music). I ain't very hard to satisfy really, the smallest things make me happy : )

 

[Jojo]

Hey I'm new to the site.... I joined mostly because I wanted to ask you ENFJs a question. I'm not sure if there's a similar thread so I apologize in advance if this is repetitive or if it's in the wrong place. =(

So I'm an INFP female in a relationship with an ENFJ male. I'm sure he wouldn't like me posting on a forum about this (please forgive me ;_... but I just thought you could help.

So the main problem is we have great conversations together, but it's hard for him to say things about himself. I feel like he knows my entire life story without me even telling him half of it. He's just so darn perceptive and it drives me crazy (in a good way).

I know he likes me and he encourages my asking more questions because I'm curious, even if he may be somewhat reluctant in answering them.... but no matter what, he just won't talk to me about himself of his own accord. I feel like he's doing talking about himself FOR me, not TO me (although that sounds a bit romantic now that I step back and think about it). But is it always like pulling teeth to get an ENFJ to talk about themselves? I would feel bad if I was making him disclose information that makes him uncomfortable. Does it just take time? Should I stop asking questions? He makes me feel like I'm being selfish when I ask.

....Help? ;_;

First... This isn't my girlfriend right? Just kidding!

I can tell you I sometimes feel like that used car salesman who doesn't want you to see the CARFAX. I personally like knowing about others and always ask questions. I have recently done better to let people close to me see more vulnerability, but not my Achilles heel. We also don't talk about ourselves because we would be called selfish. For me.. games work.. an Intimate version of Never Have I ever can work. Maybe you can do a scrapbook together of your favorite memories. I personally talk alot and sometimes feels like no one listens. It could be he feels you are interrogating him and distrust him. I can only speak for me but I don't like being questioned.

 

[Greenbee123]

First... This isn't my girlfriend right? Just kidding!

I can tell you I sometimes feel like that used car salesman who doesn't want you to see the CARFAX. I personally like knowing about others and always ask questions. I have recently done better to let people close to me see more vulnerability, but not my Achilles heel. We also don't talk about ourselves because we would be called selfish. For me.. games work.. an Intimate version of Never Have I ever can work. Maybe you can do a scrapbook together of your favorite memories. I personally talk alot and sometimes feels like no one listens. It could be he feels you are interrogating him and distrust him. I can only speak for me but I don't like being questioned.

Haha, thanks Jojo. I doubt I'm your girlfriend. ;D Although I enjoy thinking about how ironic that would be.

It's funny, he also likes games like that, so that's a good idea. I'll try to make a game out of it. I see where you're coming from, and I really hope he doesn't feel like I distrust him. If it's a game it should be more lighthearted.

Also, I hope you don't feel like others are selfish when they talk about themselves. I would feel awful. D:

 

[INFPPP]

I've used astrology, tarot card reading and personality stuff like MBTI to lure ENFJs out of their self consciousness. Works very well.

 

[lastofsix]

I hate it when people ask me questions about myself..but that is because I hate the looks on peoples faces when I do. My history is not for the weak of heart. I, personally, feel very proud of everything I have been through and learned, but my stories inevitably lead me to having to explain things or getting the all so annoying "I am sorry" *shakes head* This then triggers my empathy and I feel guilty for making someone else feel bad...LOL!

I also get a little boggled because what I experience is not as simple as an a->b->c situation...A series of events, if you will. The ~real~ story is what led up to the event, the weather, where I was as a person in that moment and why, who was involved and who they were as people at that time..ect..So, instead of an episiode (like they asked), it is told like a mini series. Peoples eyes glaze over and I feel...silly. Silly because they just wanted a short story and I gave them an Epic.

I get boggled when people ask me about what I THINK..and it's about me. Eeeep!

As I have gotten older I just find that it is safer and easier to ask questions. *wink*

 

[sharrkmaster]

Also, I hope you don't feel like others are selfish when they talk about themselves. I would feel awful. D:

Not at all! I actually much prefer having people tell me stories about themselves than have to tell them stuff about myself.. I find it easier to talk and ask questions when it's about them and not me. XD

Well, of course, there's always that fine line of telling interesting things about yourself and just being arrogant and full of yourself. No one likes to listen to someone just continuously rant about how amazing they are.

But I'm sure that's not what you do! :happy:

 

[sanjaywa]

For me, I can seem really open and as if I wear my heart on my sleeve, but this isn't the case. ENFJs will tell you all kinds of things about themselves, but not about stuff that really matters. That kind of opening up takes time and trust. We are actually quite scared about being vulnerable. For me, I need to feel that the person is really interested in finding out my innermost thoughts and feelings.

My advice is to share your own, especially if there's something on your mind that is a bit quirky or that you want some reassurance about. We love affirming others and it might help your ENFJ to open up and share something similar. Keep on asking yor questions though, it will help him to know that you are wanting to know the real him, just be patient.

 

[Cloud_Nine]

Hey I'm new to the site.... I joined mostly because I wanted to ask you ENFJs a question. I'm not sure if there's a similar thread so I apologize in advance if this is repetitive or if it's in the wrong place. =(

So I'm an INFP female in a relationship with an ENFJ male. I'm sure he wouldn't like me posting on a forum about this (please forgive me ;_... but I just thought you could help.

So the main problem is we have great conversations together, but it's hard for him to say things about himself. I feel like he knows my entire life story without me even telling him half of it. He's just so darn perceptive and it drives me crazy (in a good way).

I know he likes me and he encourages my asking more questions because I'm curious, even if he may be somewhat reluctant in answering them.... but no matter what, he just won't talk to me about himself of his own accord. I feel like he's doing talking about himself FOR me, not TO me (although that sounds a bit romantic now that I step back and think about it). But is it always like pulling teeth to get an ENFJ to talk about themselves? I would feel bad if I was making him disclose information that makes him uncomfortable. Does it just take time? Should I stop asking questions? He makes me feel like I'm being selfish when I ask.

....Help? ;_;

Yes, it takes time.

It took my honey 2 years to get me to disclose much of myself to him. While most people think I am easy to talk to because I care, to talk about things that make me me, I don't just share with anyone.

 

[Silas the Idealist]

First off, welcome to the forum!

It most definitely does take time for an ENFJ to open up in an intimate setting. As natural extraverts, we're pretty used to socializing and forming what I like to call "sudo-friendships" or simply known as acquaintances. We aren't bad people, we love everyone (I am sorry for generalizing here)... However, when we finally make it to getting intimate with someone, we tend to move fast, but focusing on you. We slowly lag behind due to us not only being sensitive about how much of ourselves we release to you, but also because we're so intrigued and invested in you for the whole first part of the relationship.

I have had relationships with INFPs, relationships that were simply amazing. It did in fact always end up being this way, me not being able to open up quite yet.. not because I didn't want to, or because I didn't trust the individual, but because I was distracted and more preoccupied with getting to know my significant other first. I was also terrified of losing the interest of my partner. Our relationship was very perceptual as well, I could really read the thought process of my INFP counterpart.

It's a fun relationship. Take it one step at a time, and I suggest that you have these conversations in a light-hearted yet serious way as well. Simply let him know that you'd like to know more about him, that you'd like to know more of who he is.

Best wishes.

 

[Jojo]

Silas good post! It's posts like that make me feel normal.

 

[Silas the Idealist]

Silas good post! It's posts like that make me feel normal.

Haha, thanks!

 

[Greenbee123]

First off, welcome to the forum!

It most definitely does take time for an ENFJ to open up in an intimate setting. As natural extraverts, we're pretty used to socializing and forming what I like to call "sudo-friendships" or simply known as acquaintances. We aren't bad people, we love everyone (I am sorry for generalizing here)... However, when we finally make it to getting intimate with someone, we tend to move fast, but focusing on you. We slowly lag behind due to us not only being sensitive about how much of ourselves we release to you, but also because we're so intrigued and invested in you for the whole first part of the relationship.

I have had relationships with INFPs, relationships that were simply amazing. It did in fact always end up being this way, me not being able to open up quite yet.. not because I didn't want to, or because I didn't trust the individual, but because I was distracted and more preoccupied with getting to know my significant other first. I was also terrified of losing the interest of my partner. Our relationship was very perceptual as well, I could really read the thought process of my INFP counterpart.

It's a fun relationship. Take it one step at a time, and I suggest that you have these conversations in a light-hearted yet serious way as well. Simply let him know that you'd like to know more about him, that you'd like to know more of who he is.

Best wishes.

Thank you so much. =) It makes a lot more sense to me, now. It was an attempt to restore balance in the relationship, but so long as he's happy and it's not for lack of trust or anything, I don't mind at all. I see now it will just take time. I tried some games and indulging more of his interest in talking about me, and it's helping. Whenever he talks about himself, it's still vague, but at least he does open up a little. I see now that he definitely treats me differently from others in this way.

I'm also glad to hear that you've had some amazing relationships with INFPs. It's my first time being with an ENFJ and it is magical. :blushed: I guess I just want everything to be perfect.

 

[paddington bear]

What a great thread! this exact thing happened with me and I felt like the ENFJ in question was being something of a car salesman and it was pretty off-putting. Good to know it's not them being fake, but rather, hesitant to open up until trust is established. there's a big difference! and, btw, I loved hearing that ENFJs truly are focused on you at the beginning of the relationship, so that interest is genuine.

 

[Darius]

Aha, I'm definitely that way. I'll share tidbits here and there, but I'm far, FAR more interested in hearing about someone else than talking about myself. Part of it might be vulnerability. Another part is also not wanting to come across as self-centered. I would just wait and see for now. He'll open up, but probably with pieces at a time. Aside from that, you could also set him up for a chance to tell an anecdote or two, that way he doesn't even realize he's being asked

 

[kiwigrl]

I don't relate to him because I don't have a problem with openess. In fact I purposely try to shut up and ask people questions to prove that I'm not all about me and that I'm interested in them. Hmm, maybe that's what he's doing. But gees, my close friends and family know too much about me! lol.