[stubbles]

I'm new to this forum but I'm glad to have found it! A few weeks ago I took the MBTI for work and discovered that it's actually not the pile of un-validated crap I thought it was! I've been cruising all over past threads on the ENFJ forum for help and insight on a few topics. I'm noticing a theme that's making me oddly uncomfortable and I'd like to throw it out here to see what y'all think.

Almost all my life people have told me how awesome I am, how "refreshing" it is that "you are so YOU," and how I make other people happy. I've noticed other non-ENFJs start threads to compliment us in these same ways, and it seems that other ENFJs accept those compliments without a problem, and seem to believe them. I mean, I accept compliments with a "thank you" as well, don't get me wrong. My mother raised me right! But I feel extremely uncomfortable when people say that so I shut down for a while and hope that no one else thinks that I was trying to beg for compliments just by doing/saying something that comes naturally.

I don't see how what I do or say makes me particularly awesome, compared to anyone else. For that matter, I don't see how "you are so YOU" is supposed to make any sense whatsoever, unless the person saying it surrounds themself in a community of posers, and if that's the case, that says more about them than it does about me, wouldn't you say? The worst part is that I have an uncanny ability to make large groups of people laugh until they cry, and this tends to make me feel like shit since I often wasn't trying to be funny, which means that people apparently think my natural presence is something of a joke.

Fortunately, I've had a lot of therapy so I don't really dwell on these things very often. I can put them in the proper emotional context and not worry about it as much as I used to. Since learning about ENFJ traits, I'm even starting to appreciate why people say these things and recognize them as strengths. That said, I don't understand how I could score so high on all of the letters, and yet feel like I have so little in common with the rest of you! Any thoughts? Experiences? Stories?

Edited to add that along the same lines of not having much in common with ENFJs, I hate being hugged by people. I think it stems from my same belief that compliments aren't particularly sincere. As genuinely and heartfelt as my affection for people is, I don't want them hugging me unless we know each other well enough to appreciate holding each other. Not to sound all pro-abstinence here, but if you're going around hugging people left and right, why should I bother? Am I alone on this one?

 

[hasenj]

really? From what you say, you seem to fit the ENFJ description pretty well, including the part about "But I feel extremely uncomfortable when people say that so I shut down for a while".

Although that bit sounds a bit weird to me; I wasn't expecting ENFJs to have this trait; it seems very INFP-ish. But from what I've read around here, many ENFJs have confirmed this kind of thing.

 

[Oleas]

Yep, confirming this too. Having a hard time accepting compliments, though I'm grateful I don't understand how they can really mean it.

 

[Jill]

i can't say that i have an answer for you as I just found out I'm an ENFJ myself and i used to score enfp! so as these tests can be extremely accurate, i feel that it also depends on the test your taking, and when your taking it (meaning, the mood your in etc.) because if you're anything like me, then some days you're more inclined to chose an answer you may not have before.

Just something to think about. I plan on taking the test again, multiple times, just to see which comes up most frequently. That's how i'll determine what my personality type truly is.:blushed:

 

[stubbles]

Heh. Jill, I did just that. Definitely an ENFJ.

Another thread below talks about the importance of words. I spend a lot of time thinking about how I feel, how others make me feel, how I make others feel, etc, but I don't find it necessary to put that into words. For instance, when I love someone, then I act like I love the person and I don't need to say it. If someone tells me they love me (which happens way too often for my comfort) it usually, again, makes me clam up and wonder what I'm expected to do with that information, besides say "thank you." It's a genuine "thank you," don't get me wrong. If the worst thing that happens in my day is that someone tells me they love me then I have no right to bitch about my day!

Hasenj, I think it comes from the impetus to enjoy making people happy. When people offer me information about their feelings or experiences, I try to related it to a larger picture or pattern of some kind, or I wonder why they told me, how I can improve the situation, what I can do about it, etc. So when someone says "you're so awesome," I think "what pattern of behavior did I engage in that was worthy of awe? I didn't notice anything out of the ordinary about myself lately. Are they being sarcastic because they expected me to do better? I also expected myself to do better so they aren't saying anything I didn't already know. I'm going to try to stay out of the limelight so other people don't point out my flaws that apparently can't fix."

I really don't have as bad of self-esteem as it sounds like I do. I have a pretty good control on this negative self-talk so I don't let it get me down very often. But it's still a really strange pattern of thinking for a group of people who seem to be genuinely well-liked.

 

[thehigher]

I'm new to this forum but I'm glad to have found it! A few weeks ago I took the MBTI for work and discovered that it's actually not the pile of un-validated crap I thought it was! I've been cruising all over past threads on the ENFJ forum for help and insight on a few topics. I'm noticing a theme that's making me oddly uncomfortable and I'd like to throw it out here to see what y'all think.

Almost all my life people have told me how awesome I am, how "refreshing" it is that "you are so YOU," and how I make other people happy. I've noticed other non-ENFJs start threads to compliment us in these same ways, and it seems that other ENFJs accept those compliments without a problem, and seem to believe them. I mean, I accept compliments with a "thank you" as well, don't get me wrong. My mother raised me right! But I feel extremely uncomfortable when people say that so I shut down for a while and hope that no one else thinks that I was trying to beg for compliments just by doing/saying something that comes naturally.

I don't see how what I do or say makes me particularly awesome, compared to anyone else. For that matter, I don't see how "you are so YOU" is supposed to make any sense whatsoever, unless the person saying it surrounds themself in a community of posers, and if that's the case, that says more about them than it does about me, wouldn't you say? The worst part is that I have an uncanny ability to make large groups of people laugh until they cry, and this tends to make me feel like shit since I often wasn't trying to be funny, which means that people apparently think my natural presence is something of a joke.

Fortunately, I've had a lot of therapy so I don't really dwell on these things very often. I can put them in the proper emotional context and not worry about it as much as I used to. Since learning about ENFJ traits, I'm even starting to appreciate why people say these things and recognize them as strengths. That said, I don't understand how I could score so high on all of the letters, and yet feel like I have so little in common with the rest of you! Any thoughts? Experiences? Stories?

Edited to add that along the same lines of not having much in common with ENFJs, I hate being hugged by people. I think it stems from my same belief that compliments aren't particularly sincere. As genuinely and heartfelt as my affection for people is, I don't want them hugging me unless we know each other well enough to appreciate holding each other. Not to sound all pro-abstinence here, but if you're going around hugging people left and right, why should I bother? Am I alone on this one?

I'd say if you are making people laugh when you didn't mean to be...... I.... I laugh at people when I find something identifiable in them. It's like a "OH YEA I do that too".... and the fact you..... I would assume.... I don't know many ENFJs.... but I would assume that you are pretty good at identifying with people. So.... if you are ..... and you are doing so expressively..... then I suppose people may laugh .... cause it's kind of ...... emotions that they don't express..... you know how some comedians say things..... and it's stuff you would never say cause you are too.... uptight I suppose or...... social expectations... and they say it and everyone identifies with it? Maybe it's like that. Could be wrong.

my infj friend..... NFJ's in general seem to feel weird..... when they get Fe from other people. My INFJ friend sam has an INFJ mother with lot's of Fe.... and when she showers him with love.... he feels uncomfortable. It's for a reason ... I'm not exactly sure why. I think he questions if people that do that want something out of him.

Another thing..... I think in our society it's pretty standard for the golden rule to be..... what's up. If you shower people with love.... they may feel the need to mirror you.... even if they are not really being themselves.... but they are being polite. I think this is the key to that thing about where you said something like.... "are they hanging out with fake people" .... yea .... that's def possible..... I think it may be that they are being polite also.... which is a form of ....fake in a sense. I think this may make you uncomfortable since ....uhhhh sinceeeee..... lost my train of thought. They are jumping on your territory. It's like..... they are acting like you in order to affirm you. But that's..... you don't need someone to act like you to affirm you. If they feel like you are ____ insert positive remark.... then they should express it naturally and how they would..... but I guess some people don't know if that is enough.... and they worry if they are expressing things to their full potential.... since you are so good at it. It may be somewhat intimidating being around an ENFJ with such charisma etc. and maybe feeling like..... gosh I dunno if I can let her know I care as much as she seems to care. So they jump out of their comfort zone to act like you. Maybe.

 

[Jojo]

The hugging thing was an issue. I hated it! I never wanted anyone close. Then one day. I met a friend who helped me see comfortability living life. I high and hug all the time now. I think it's natural.

 

[EternalBlackDragon]

I don't see how what I do or say makes me particularly awesome, compared to anyone else. For that matter, I don't see how "you are so YOU" is supposed to make any sense whatsoever, unless the person saying it surrounds themself in a community of posers, and if that's the case, that says more about them than it does about me, wouldn't you say? The worst part is that I have an uncanny ability to make large groups of people laugh until they cry, and this tends to make me feel like shit since I often wasn't trying to be funny, which means that people apparently think my natural presence is something of a joke.

Edited to add that along the same lines of not having much in common with ENFJs, I hate being hugged by people. I think it stems from my same belief that compliments aren't particularly sincere. As genuinely and heartfelt as my affection for people is, I don't want them hugging me unless we know each other well enough to appreciate holding each other. Not to sound all pro-abstinence here, but if you're going around hugging people left and right, why should I bother? Am I alone on this one?

I can relate to this actually, I hate it when I receive a compliment that I don't feel is sincere. The same goes with the whole hugging random people thing, it just seems after a while that person does it on impulse and it takes away from the "special feel" of a hug. If I feel the actions of someone complimenting me are just for the motions of thanking me or saying it I don't like to hear it. Don't get me wrong when I say this, I do appreciate it when someone does compliment something I do to help them but only if they mean it.

The hugging thing you mentioned actually reminds me of something that happened to me with this girl I knew and still kinda know. I knew this girl for about 5 years at the time but it was an off and on thing where I'd see her randomly and we'd talk about random things and what not. Well we started to get closer during my senior year of high school and she had this habit of hugging people she knew. I didn't really like to hug or be hugged by people too much and she got offended when I refused to give her a hug because at the time i wasn't too uncomfortable/it didn't seem to have any meaning behind it from her or to her.

I think doubt of who we are kind of stems from our ability to change to whatever the situation calls for. One day we may seem one way and the other we may be another. I'm not completely sure on this but from what I have read on ENFJ's and have seen around here it seems that this is true for almost all ENFJ's.

~EBD

 

[OrangeAppled]

I don't see how what I do or say makes me particularly awesome, compared to anyone else. For that matter, I don't see how "you are so YOU" is supposed to make any sense whatsoever, unless the person saying it surrounds themself in a community of posers, and if that's the case, that says more about them than it does about me, wouldn't you say? The worst part is that I have an uncanny ability to make large groups of people laugh until they cry, and this tends to make me feel like shit since I often wasn't trying to be funny, which means that people apparently think my natural presence is something of a joke.
?

I kid you not, and I don't say this to mock you, but I laughed at the bolded - outloud. I think there's a level of emotional honestly that ENFJs can display which can register as , er, "maudlin" to people. I have several male ENFJs, and especially hearing it out a man's mouth can be funny. Ultimately, as theigher says, people identify with the feeling deep down, and that's why it hits their funny bone - it's true! It's almost uncomfortable true, and humor relieves that discomfort. I'm a big Morriseey fan, who I type as INFJ, and he's got this style down pat - over dramatic lyrics which are humorous. If they didn't have that self-aware maudlin aspect, they would just be hokey (and that is funny too though, but for different reasons).

 

[stubbles]

Thanks for the replies, everyone! I kept getting the impression that I was fitting the theory of ENFJs better than how other people practice it, but I guess that's not the case after all!

Higher, this:

They are jumping on your territory. It's like..... they are acting like you in order to affirm you. But that's..... you don't need someone to act like you to affirm you. If they feel like you are ____ insert positive remark.... then they should express it naturally and how they would..... but I guess some people don't know if that is enough.... and they worry if they are expressing things to their full potential.... since you are so good at it.

is a really astute point. I'll keep that in mind going forward. Other people express their appreciation in different ways.

OrangeAppled, overly-dramatic, self-mocking maudlin humor is a great way to put it! That explains the laughter!

 

[kiwigrl]

Yep, confirming this too. Having a hard time accepting compliments, though I'm grateful I don't understand how they can really mean it.

Yeah I had a compliment the other day from someone and I was thinking to myself "Really? what did I do to deserve that awesome compliment? Are you sure it was me you were thinking of?" It's funny we need that sense of acceptance, but we flip out when people express it in the form of a compliment. Complex individuals aren't we?

 

[Oleas]

Yeah I had a compliment the other day from someone and I was thinking to myself "Really? what did I do to deserve that awesome compliment? Are you sure it was me you were thinking of?" It's funny we need that sense of acceptance, but we flip out when people express it in the form of a compliment. Complex individuals aren't we?

Exactly. And I know it's selfish, but "you're important to me" would mean so much more than "you're the most amazing person I've ever met". I wouldn't wanna be amazing if I wasn't amazing FOR someone. Am I making any sense? : p