[Aislee]

Hello ENFJs!

I'll try to make this as short as possible without missing any good details rather than posting our exact long history. I have a good friend that is a confirmed ENFJ. I've known this ENFJ for about seven or eight years now (since Middle School). During our Sophomore year in high school, we had a period of closeness and "got together". Unfortunately, this only lasted a few weeks or so and I think this has to do with the fact that he was still in love with his ex. Since then, we've had a roller-coaster type of relationship. At the time, I was an immature INTP, and I tried to cut him off from my life, but I absolutely love this guy. I found it too difficult. Even when he found a girlfriend, I couldn't find myself to let him go. During those times, I wouldn't dare to flirt with him and eventually I went on to date other people.

While I dated other people, he expressed a form of sadness but he was, indeed, in love with his girlfriend too. When I finally became single again, we got closer. This was about two years ago. This recent October, his girlfriend of a year and half left him and I was there for him. He suggested that we had this close bond and I started to sleep over at his house in which we'd cuddle. Prior to his breakup, we've never had this sense of physical closeness. Eventually, we tried dating.

But nothing really escalated. Due to emotional strains we both have (family issues), I was apparently not attentive enough and he eventually had a mental breakdown and called it all off several weeks later. Despite everything, I apologized to him and we kept in touch. Since the beginning of this year, we've still maintained physical closeness and for some time earlier this year, he would say he was confused and maybe he was crazy for not dating me. We'd hold hands, cuddle, and would be extremely affectionate to each other. He wasn't this way to any other girls.

Things have changed for the past month though. :[ I've went through a lot of mental strains and breakdowns, and I guess I depended on him a lot. I always showed him appreciation though, but slowly I saw our closeness wear off. He started to treat me more like a friend, and though we'd still cuddle each other to sleep, aside from sleeping he wouldn't initiate any sort of contact. I notice small mannerisms of his have changed too. He'd no longer show any sort of preference and is indifferent to the things we do. When I tell him I want to spend more time in the evening with him since I don't see him too often, he'd give the response, "It's whatever. You can if you want."

We're still good friends, but I feel as if we've taken steps backward. When I questioned him, "Am I just a friend?" he nodded yes. Afterward, I asked him, "...And nothing more?". He silently and kindly nodded yes saying, "Yes for now. Things may change in the future though."

So ENFJs, am I forever friendzoned? He's been telling me since Sophomore year that "maybe someday I'll deserve you" or "who knows what will happen in the future?"

Honestly, and I need the brutal truth. Would any of you ever say these things just to not hurt someone's feelings? Or would you only say that if you really do think there's potential?

I know ENFJs really do care about people and wouldn't want to intentionally hurt anyone they care for. But I just don't know if he seriously means we might have something or perhaps I should just give up. Maybe he was just being nice and trying to not hurt my feelings. When we hung out today, all was good and though we cuddle each other to sleep, we were only friendly to each other afterward.

This guy is like the love of my life. And through the years of spending time with him, I've become more expressive. I give him plenty of (genuine) compliments and signs of affection, so I'm not so stoic as INTPs are generally viewed as. And perhaps that's not enough, but I'm willing to give everything to this guy. It's not INTP(ish), I know, but it just shows how much I care. I've told him before that I love him, but maybe it's meaningless because I'm just forever a friend.

Thank you so much in advance. <3

(I apologize for the length.)

 

[Maeve]

I realize I'm not an ENFJ...but I thought I'd ask--are you ok not being the love of his life? Because if you were his dream girl, none of this would've happened. It sounds like he's fond of you and is attracted to you. But the deeper feelings aren't there.

Being in that kind of relationship where someone settles to be with you is disappointing and heartbreaking. I think you should find someone who possesses the qualities in him that you like and who loves you back. He's out there.

 

[dulcinea]

There are so many things that this could mean that it's hard for anyone to really say for sure. I know it can really be hard to get a straight answer out of an ENFJ if they feel that that answer would potentially hurt the other person's feelings or put their own feelings at risk for being hurt, so it can go both ways. I'm just throwing out possibility, but maybe since you rely on him so much, he wants to keep it in the friendzone because he might be afraid that going beyond that may potentially one day hurt the relationship, especially since a relationship ended so recently. From what I've read/heard ENFJs take a very long time to get over rejection, I imagine that pain from a prior break-up can easily spill over to the next relationship, so maybe he's scared of putting the relationship in a position where things could potentially get more volatile and it would be more difficult to get back that friend phase, and would be more difficult for him to be there for you, like you sound like you would need him too. I'm just guessing. It's really hard to say. What I know about ENFJs in general; they all express it in different ways, but they do often tend to put the emotional needs of the other person ahead of their own personal feelings (the healthy mature ones do at least). I do get the feeling there's a lot that he's not saying, but, like I said, it's really hard to tell what that is.

 

[Tyche]

I would never tell someone that there's hope of a relationship in the future if I didn't think there was. It would hurt them more in the long run to string them along. However, a younger and/or more immature ENFJ might not see it that way, particularly if they have a lot going on emotionally. It sounds to me like your ENFJ needs some time to heal from his breakup. It's usually a bad idea to get into a relationship before all of your emotional problems are fixed from a previous relationship. I have no way to know, but please consider that he doesn't feel as deeply about you as you do about him.

Personally, I've been in a situation where I cared very much for someone, but having been through a recent breakup, felt that I wasn't ready for a relationship. However, if it had been the person I'm in love with now that I was considering, I probably would've done anything to make it work. Just my option though.

 

[Einstein]

No, you are not forever friend zoned. If you love him than be patient and be there for him. ENFJ's are truly amazing.

 

[Iselia]

This guy is not into you as much as you are into him. Move on. You won't be able to find the right person for you until you get rid of this unhealthy/unequal dynamic.

You deserve someone who feels the same way about you as you do him.

 

[SilentScream]

I told @Etherea that I'm open to a relationship even when I wasn't in love with her at that point. But, I was open to a relationship with her and I wasn't looking for someone better. When I did fall in love with her, I fell hard because I gave love a chance.

Who knows what his motive is for telling you to wait. It's anyone's guess.

 

[Aislee]

Thank you so much for your responses! I'm aware that I'm being stubborn; it's just difficult to move on when the slightest bit of hope still exists. I've decided for the past week that I will move on for now, but I haven't completely. I suppose now is the time for me to decide if I am going to permanently move on or not. I tend to relapse and fall for him time after time and I couldn't decide if I was just wasting my time or building our relationship. Perhaps I'll never know.

Of course, I'll be open to dating other people too. I've just never retained this level of closeness to him and undoubtedly, it gave me too much hope. Maybe it made me too clingy.

 

[Iselia]

How did this all turn out @Aislee?

 

[gurlcorporate]

Oh my, I want to give YOU a hug cos I feel your pain.

Well, you have to first realize that men aren't as transparent as women in showing affection. Do you really believe his actions have changed around you recently? Maybe he's going through a tough time emotionally and doesn't want to mess up what he has with you?

From my experience, I wouldn't leave a guy hanging like that for so long cos it really hurt when guys do that to me. It sucks. Also, we're not affectionate to just anyone physically. We don't go around handing them out to total strangers or assholes unless for a good reason. So I'm guessing he's going through a tough time emotionally maybe.

 

[Aislee]

How did this all turn out @Aislee?

Thanks for the concern, Iselia. ♥

A lot of things have changed since then. I'm not as bogged down with work, and I'm not as mentally stressed. I don't talk to the ENFJ anymore, and I suppose that really helps. Due to certain circumstances in which I pointed out his hypocrisy (after he insulted me), I suppose he didn't took it well and stopped talking to me. He's done this to a few of his friends before, and they all go back to him, so I decided that it's a good time to just cut him off since he was not good for my mental health. He's a bit stubborn -- when he decided to cut his best friend off before, he would often talk about how he wished he could talk to his best friend but couldn't ruin his pride and admit defeat. In the end, he never contacted his best friend again until half a year later when his best friend came to him. It made me think... if given the situation in which his best friend never went back to him, I would assume he would have never taken any action to do so either.

Using this as an example, I had a feeling he'd never contact me again. That was true. It's a bit immature, but at the same time, I was growing impatient with the repetitive "will we or will we not?" conflict. In the end, he's gone off on his path and I have with my own. I have a new wonderful boyfriend of two months (an ESTJ with basically a 50/50 judging and perceiving). I wished things could have turned out for the better, and while I do think my ENFJ (ex)friend is an amazing person, he victimizes himself far too much and constantly expected more out of me and made me feel very down.

I just couldn't take it anymore.

Thank you all, and I apologize for not initially heeding your tips about moving on. It was quite possibly one of the better decisions.

 

[Nyfiken]

I'm glad it turned out well for you, even if it meant your friendship ending. He will hopefully learn something from you not contacting him. He sounds a bit immature and unhealthy, hopefully you gave him an opportunity to grow. Wish you all the best of luck with your ESTJ!

 

[JakeDK]

You say he is the love of your life. Good.

If what you're saying is true, he seems pretty much into you.

The holding back thing (saying you're friends), is like tests girls normaly do. But we're NFs and sensitive, so we do it too. "It's whatever you can, if you want" ... That sounds pretty much like him just waiting for you to make a move. Prove that he really is the one for you.

I could spend lots of time explaining what he says or does, and it all stacks up to your favour. So just go all-in on him. But when he "tests" you, you must not take it as rejection. He wants to know if you're serious. Time+consistency is the only real way to show.


edited
Having read the comments, I am very sorry to hear what has happend. He will not learn from you not contacting him. It will only further proof that you were not really serious in what you said. <- his point of view.
I know your point of view is different, and you felt that he did not appreciate you enough.

Good luck with your new boyfriend. ESTJ's are real arseholes