Personality Cafe banner

1 - 20 of 24 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hi, I'm and ENFP and I had just broke up with my boyfriend (he's and ENFJ). the two guys I have really loved in my whole life are both ENFJs... they act at a point to even lie cowardly to you just to 'protect who I love'. but I'm starting to think if they are protecting who they love or just protecting themselves from feeling ashamed from themselves and from the hurt of telling the truth

the lie: he said he was breaking up because of family issues but two days later he was dating with his ex. but when we broke up, he was full of love (he DID TELL ME he loved me and KISSED ME after), so why did he do that?

And I know that ENFJs aren't all like my two boyfriends (my mom is an ENFJ, she's gangsta lol), but I know it's a part of your personality type protect too much...

thoughts?
 

·
Registered
ESTJ 3w2 sp
Joined
·
3,087 Posts
Thought #1: Why didn't you describe the other relationship you had? Seems to be contributing to your opinion of ENFJs.

Thought #2: Why did you choose the title you did if you don't think all ENFJs are like your exes?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
1,257 Posts
I highly doubt any ENFJ is going to answer this "honestly." lol.

Perhaps, it would be a good idea to check out quasi-identical relations. Or possibly relations of benefit to find the answer to the question you're seeking.

Quasi-Identical relations between psychological ("personality") types
Relations of Benefit between psychological ("personality") types

I seriously doubt anyone of any type is going to give a straight answer.

Honestly, it's just easier to let someone off as nicely as possible and unfortunately break ups suck. There is no easy way to end something like this. Sadly even the "love love" stuff is just an easy way to mask the insecurity and the eventual break up.

The answer is, he still likes his ex, and there is nothing that will change that. Beating the dead horse will not change that fact nor what he did.


Side story: I had a messy break up where I was 100% honest with the girl. I straight up did not like her anymore. The barrage of "Whhhyy" doesn't change the fact.

Go no contact. Do not call him, talk to him, etc. take this opportunity to do other things and better yourself. Trust me it will be hard, but you will survive and be a better person in the end :)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter #5
Thought #1: Why didn't you describe the other relationship you had? Seems to be contributing to your opinion of ENFJs.

Thought #2: Why did you choose the title you did if you don't think all ENFJs are like your exes?
1# the other relationship I mentioned randomly

2# my title is a question, not an affirmation. you, ENFJs, will answer
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
Maybe I just didn't make myself understood well, my question is: why protect too much when everyone knows telling the thruth is the best thing to do?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,683 Posts
Well, I'm going to give a completely unscientific answer and that is....no. My sister, her Husband, and her best friend are all ENFJ's and they are not liars at all. My ESFJ friend on the other hand is a compulsive liar...I'm not saying its type related.
 

·
Registered
ESTJ 3w2 sp
Joined
·
3,087 Posts
Maybe I just didn't make myself understood well, my question is: why protect too much when everyone knows telling the thruth is the best thing to do?
No, telling the truth isn't always the best thing to do. In some situations, it's the worst thing to do. I won't defend someone not being honest about why they broke up with someone, but given that I don't know the full story from both sides, I can't say for your situation what I think is best.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
63 Posts
I'm an ENFJ and I only remember 2 times I have deliberately lied in my life. One was to a security guard, and the other I don't even remember exactly what it was. Actually my ENFJness that cares about other people is why I don't lie. I value my relationships way to much to put lies into them, it means big trouble. And anyways there are soooo many other ways to get what you want without lying ;p. who still does that lying stuff? thought that was so the 90's.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,695 Posts
For me personally, lying is one of the things I despise most; however, nothing is black and white, there may be an appropriate time for a white lie I suppose....but even that is extremely difficult for me to say.
 
  • Like
Reactions: emerald sea

·
Registered
Joined
·
136 Posts
We're still figuring out my personality type, but I seem to be an ENFJ. I'm actually painfully honest, but very prone to exaggeration and "truth by emotion". So sometimes I'll say something that seems true because it matches my emotions and, in that sense, it's factual. But the concrete, gritty, facts may be revealed as something a bit different.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,106 Posts
I don't lie.

I don't give a shit about protecting your feelings if you need to hear the truth.
"Do I look fat?" Hell yes you do, bitch!

However, I do sugarcoat things if I know the truth won't be handled well.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,522 Posts
I think this has more to do with the people you attract, than ENFJ's. A lot of people lie, and for many reasons, it just seems like your very unlucky and don't seem to date the people that are trustworthy.

If i used my life experience on ex's that lied then i could write the same post about almost every type. But also every type has its truth sayers aswell.

It's not personality type that would make u more prone to lie, But the person. every type has its good and bad. u just seem to have been real unlucky
 

·
MOTM July 2012
Joined
·
8,033 Posts
is it lying if you are being true to how you really feel about someone? sometimes you have to phrase things in a way that they will communicate what you really mean. sometimes you have to answer the question they are really asking rather than the question they are posing. take this for an example: if a girl asks her boyfriend if she looks fat, what she is really asking is if he still finds her attractive - that's the question her heart is asking...some men will, even if that outfit makes her look fat, say it doesn't, simply because they don't want to communicate to her what would be false, that is, that they don't still find her attractive, since that would be what she would understand by his words if he said she did look fat. if you are trying to convey the truth - that you care about someone - and saying something factually accurate would be either misunderstood or felt as a lie (the lie is that you don't care), then some people would say what it would take to communicate the reality rather than be misunderstood and hurt someone in the process.

ok, i'm playing the devil's advocate here....this isn't my personal perspective, but i'm just trying to introduce you to a different perspective which may possibly be behind these guys' behavior. not everyone thinks the same way about truth. there are people who approach life from this perspective ~ 'it's a lie if what is understood by what i say is false, that is, if i give an untrue impression, even if my words are factually accurate; so i have to say whatever it will take to be understood accurately, to be interpreted as saying what i really mean.' people in general (whether they are Fe users or not) vary in how they define truth.

take another example: say a girl invited you to go to a party with her, but she had been really getting on your nerves and you just really didn't want to go there with her. but you also didn't want to hurt her feelings. and that night you also had other plans already. when you tell her you aren't coming to the party, you have two options: you can tell her you don't want to go there with her because you find her annoying, or you can tell her you can't go because you already had other plans. both are true. if you care about not hurting her feelings, you would probably opt to just say that you can't come because you already have other plans. sometimes people have multiple reasons for their choices, and they may just tell you the one that wouldn't hurt your feelings. what they said is true...they are just trying not to be hurtful. just because something is true, doesn't mean it needs to be said. a lot of people follow the ethic that if you don't have anything nice to say, just don't say anything. there are people who do this same thing when they break up with others - they say the reason that will be the least hurtful, because they know a breakup is already painful and don't wish to make the other person's pain worse, or hurt them any further. they are trying to be sensitive. it's a true reason, it's just not the only reason.

when you are approaching life from an Fe perspective, the ethic that matters most to you is how something affects others' feelings, relationships, or harmony. you care about how what you say affects people, how they understand it because that affects their feelings and whether they feel loved and cared about. since you do love and care about them, you want your words to communicate that.

i don't know if these ENFJ guys were being honest or not ~ really, unless i could see inside their heads, i couldn't know. sometimes we can be confused about our feelings, and our feelings can change rapidly from day to day, and this may look like we aren't being honest in what we are telling others, when in reality we are telling them the truth of what we are feeling at that particular moment in time.

it's factually inaccurate to say that ENFJs are liars, and making such a generalization is hurtful to ENFJs. lying is not a personality trait. anyone of any personality type can lie. and anyone of any personality type can mistreat others. people of any personality type can prioritize protecting themselves (more so than others) when they anticipate something painful or difficult. this isn't a reflection on their personality type as a whole. just because there are bad apples in the world, doesn't mean that all apples are therefore bad.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,059 Posts
1# the other relationship I mentioned randomly

2# my title is a question, not an affirmation. you, ENFJs, will answer

Maybe I just didn't make myself understood well, my question is: why protect too much when everyone knows telling the thruth is the best thing to do?
I would like to know why you believe truth is "best" as you call it. What is "good"?
What is good to one person might be evil to another. It's a matter of preference.
What is definitively good or evil depends on the subjective audience which is subjectively affected by the object in question.

If the judgment is subjective (which "good" and "evil" happen to be), then it is not an objective truth statement.

Ah Ha!

We have determined the heart of the issue. Your statement is subjective and, therefore, "not truth". And therefore, according to your own subjective criteria for what is "best" you have made a statement that is "not best."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
34 Posts
I would like to know why you believe truth is "best" as you call it. What is "good"?
What is good to one person might be evil to another. It's a matter of preference.
What is definitively good or evil depends on the subjective audience which is subjectively affected by the object in question.

If the judgment is subjective (which "good" and "evil" happen to be), then it is not an objective truth statement.

Ah Ha!

We have determined the heart of the issue. Your statement is subjective and, therefore, "not truth". And therefore, according to your own subjective criteria for what is "best" you have made a statement that is "not best."
If you truly believe what is good or evil depends on the subjective audience, you are going into this with a completely different set of beliefs than rock dancer. Who says good and evil are subjective? You're the one making claims with these truths that "good" and "evil" are subjective. I dont think its a matter of preference. you're the one trying to push your own value system of "preferences"
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,059 Posts
If you truly believe what is good or evil depends on the subjective audience, you are going into this with a completely different set of beliefs than rock dancer. Who says good and evil are subjective? You're the one making claims with these truths that "good" and "evil" are subjective. I dont think its a matter of preference. you're the one trying to push your own value system of "preferences"
If you can't prove why it is inherently good or evil, it is not a truth statement. If it were objectively true, it would be able to be proven with logic, deduction, inference, empirical data, etc. Of course, values would still have to be assumed.

For example, assume that health is an important value. Then, for the maximization of health benefits, I can prove that it is best not to smoke cigarettes. If your health is important, smoking increases the rate of infection, lowers your immune system, weakens your circulatory system, and has been implicated in the development of emphysema, heart attack, and lung cancer. However, if health is not as important of a value as getting your fix or rebelling from your parents, or whatever it may be, then, smoking is not necessarily "evil" and my argument which assumes that health is an important issue will have no weight.

And no, I did not make this up, I deduced it, inferred it, and I'm not the only one who has come to this conclusion because it is reasonable, logical, and true.
 
Joined
·
1,636 Posts
Hi, I'm and ENFP and I had just broke up with my boyfriend (he's and ENFJ). the two guys I have really loved in my whole life are both ENFJs... they act at a point to even lie cowardly to you just to 'protect who I love'. but I'm starting to think if they are protecting who they love or just protecting themselves from feeling ashamed from themselves and from the hurt of telling the truth

the lie: he said he was breaking up because of family issues but two days later he was dating with his ex. but when we broke up, he was full of love (he DID TELL ME he loved me and KISSED ME after), so why did he do that?

And I know that ENFJs aren't all like my two boyfriends (my mom is an ENFJ, she's gangsta lol), but I know it's a part of your personality type protect too much...

thoughts?
I don't know what he is playing but two days after dating someone else usually means he is having her on a side for awhile...or was the two days later aka soon and not literally two days later?

to be honest this seems odd...but ENFJs always play full of love as much as i noticed - even when doing smth bad...i like that about them but it's confusing and i often stay with the same question myself "why did you do that then?"
 
1 - 20 of 24 Posts
Top